Out of the Shadow (21 page)

"I can pass. I just had coffee."

She took a seat catty-corner to him. "You feeling any better today?"

He stared at the ground, his expression guarded. "I’d feel a whole lot better if I knew what you were up to, bringing another guy around."

"I was telling the truth last night when I said that Drew’s a family friend. You know where I stand on commitment right now. The only type of commitment I need is to a psychiatric ward."

A shadow passed over his eyes. "I thought we had something going on. Was I wrong?"

She reached for his hand, but he pulled his out of reach. "You know how much your friendship means to me, but I’ve been totally candid about my relationship readiness. I’m still too raw from the rape and murder. I couldn’t make a good decision for myself if it jumped out and grabbed me. I need more time."

"I’ve waited for months now, but that was before you started seeing another man. It complicates everything. I trusted you and you’ve let me down."

She thrust a palm in his face. "Whoa. I never made any promises to you. I explained exactly where I was coming from before we even had a chance to get to know one another. If you have any expectations of me, it isn’t because of anything I said."

"What if you decide you like this dude more than me? I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t want to lose you. Give me a chance. I can live up to anything you ask."

His sincerity did nothing to change her mind. She rose, went over to the window with a view of the street. Fresh snow had fallen overnight and covered everything in a pristine white coat. Bare branches dangled icicles. A solitary car drove past, the snow muffling its sound. Icy silence prevailed. Across the street a man in a wool coat, hat and gloves walked a Golden Retriever. It looked breathtaking, but stark - and lonely. She wrapped her arms around herself in response to a sudden chill.

"Please don’t pressure me," she said to the partially frosted pane, her breath fogging the glass. "I’ll let you know where I stand when I know myself."

"How long will that be?"

"I can’t say..." The air stirred behind her, and she turned to see Evan at her side. He held out a gold gift bag with green ribbon. The same one as before. Surprised, she asked, "What’s this?"

"I bought it for you yesterday, but I didn’t have a chance to give it to you. I want you to have it now."

She tried to smile, but her effort was lame. "I can’t accept another gift. The rose was enough."

He forced the bag into her hand. "Take it. I bought it for you. No one else would appreciate it."

Again she tried to give it back. Again he pressed her to take it. Realizing her refusal was futile, she reluctantly acquiesced. "Even if I accept this, it won’t change anything.''

"Yes, it will," he said. "It will make me feel a whole lot better."

She ached for him. For his obvious attempt to connect with her. For his desire. For his disappointment. But she also was wary of making commitments that she couldn't fulfill. "Okay." She tore open the bag, extracted a bottle of
Raffinée, a
nd gasped. As a friend had said the other day,
deja vu
all over again. "My favorite perfume. How did you know?"

"You mentioned it to me."

She couldn’t remember doing anything of the sort, unless she told him about the broken bottle the first night he was over. The apartment did reek of it. "I don’t recall..."

"It’s one of my favorites, too. I wanted you to have it. That’s all."

"Well, thanks..." She offered him a half-hearted hug. It was an odd coincidence that he and Paulie had both figured out her favorite scent. Either she was surrounded by amazingly perceptive people, or someone had gotten the inside scoop. A swift shiver coursed through her.  

Evan must have noticed her reaction because he drew her closer. "I’ll keep you safe if you’ll only let me," he whispered into her hair. "Let me be there for you."

In what way? Normally being this near to him would have excited her. For once she was more shaken than stirred.

After a moment she relaxed into his embrace. Even though she was full of misgivings, his arms felt right around her. Was she being overly suspicious? The gift might only be a lovely gesture, nothing devious or dangerous at all.

Bewildered by her conflicted feelings, made more so by Drew, she broke away to the kitchen as soon as it seemed appropriate to refill her cup of tea. Once alone, she took a moment to reconsider. She had better watch her reaction to Evan. The minute she succumbed to his embrace, she relinquished her vigilance. She didn’t want her emotions to short circuit her common sense. No matter what her heart told her, she had to follow her head. And she would - at any cost.

Last break of the conference and I was more than ready for it to end. Two full days on my feet were enough for me. I knew a couple of my colleagues could do week long seminars, but I wasn't one of them. Since I craved quiet time, I quickly answered a couple of questions, then went outdoors for a breath of spring air.

The Holiday Inn on City Line Avenue in Bala Cynwyd has a lovely courtyard. I found a lounge chair in the sun. Flower beds of fiery red gladiolas and bright yellow irises surrounded me. I tilted my head back and luxuriated in sunlight. What a beautiful May day.

The scent of sexy cologne reached me before a voice as warm as this spring day said, "I’ve been looking all over for you, Sarah," and caused me to open my eyes.

Adrian. He looked even more attractive than usual with the sun lighting a halo in his wavy, dark chocolate-brown hair. I shaded my eyes so I could feast them on him and patted my foot rest. "Join me."

"Are you avoiding me?" On closer inspection he looked strained.

"No. Should I be?" I waited, but he didn’t answer. It’s possible I was. Perhaps I had unconsciously avoided him, not wanting to wear our budding relationship thin before we even had a chance to get together, or because I was scared. Nothing new for me with men. Or perhaps I was having second thoughts because I wasn't totally comfortable with him. I doubted his true intention.

I stopped, not wishing to second guess myself any more than I already had. "I only wanted to take advantage of a few minutes in the sun. Isn’t it glorious?"

He hesitated a moment longer, then took the seat I offer him. "I was worried you were giving me the slip. I looked all over for you to make sure we were still on for later, but couldn’t locate you anywhere. You aren’t planning to back out on me now, are you?"

I didn't know whether he was being overly anxious or just plain interested. The broad smile which crossed his chiseled face reassured me it was the latter. I certainly hoped so. I wanted this guy to turn out better than the last one.

"Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere but out with you. I’ve been fantasizing about the meal you promised me all day long."
And the dessert, too
.

His shoulders drooped. "Good. You had me worried there. I’ve been looking forward to this evening. I’d be disappointed if you backed out now."

His heart-felt true confession put an end to my earlier ruminations. I liked a man who could articulate his feelings, and it didn't hurt that he was also sophisticated, educated, and professional. This one had it all. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him—maybe enough to be in trouble. "What did you think about the earlier session?" I asked. "You haven’t regaled me with your typical commentary."

He shrugged. "It certainly whetted my appetite for the denouement and final curtain. I’m curious if one of Becca’s many admirers will turn out to be the perpetrator, or if it will be someone else."

I pinched my lips shut between thumb and forefinger. "I’m not telling. Any guesses?"

He narrowed his eyes conspiratorially. "Let’s see. Drew’s a great guy from what you’ve described, but he might be too good to be true. And Evan, well he’s acting suspicious. Of course, what I remember from reading mysteries, it’s never the obvious suspects. I’m baffled." He rubbed his brow. "You didn’t entirely rule out Paulie. Even after what he told Becca, he could be lying to throw her off his track. And then there’s Irv. I just don’t know."

"Good. I’m glad I’ve left you guessing. That will keep everyone here for the remainder of the afternoon and awake until five. I hate to address a restless crowd."

"As for me, I’ll be awake way past five." His eyes held a fire that warmed me more than the sun. He rose. "I better use the facilities before we reconvene. See you after five, Sarah." He saluted and strolled off.

I watched Adrian walk away with excitement. His broad shoulders and strong stride thrilled me. I couldn’t wait to be with him. Still, I wasn't totally convinced he was for real and I didn't want to be let down by another man again. It would be too much to take this soon after Ken. I thought of an excuse for bowing out of our dinner this late in the day, but then reconsidered. It was way beyond that, and so was I. I made a commitment. I had to take the risk, no matter the results.

Chapter Fifteen

Unable to contact Adam’s family, Becca decided instead to arrange a meeting with Paulie at a diner on Race Street the first Friday in February. She arrived early and located a booth in the rear of the fifties-style diner. Its décor was black and white checkered, plastic table tops, red vinyl booths, and a large, chrome-trimmed motorcycle in the middle of the room. The clientele ranged from harried business-types in wrinkled shirts and pleated slacks to teens in gangster wear, oversized tee-shirts and baggy pants. An old fashioned jukebox took up one corner and drew her attention. A couple of kids plied it with coins to coax it to play popular hip hop songs.

Paulie entered to the pulsating beat of
50 Cent. He wore a gray jacket over black jeans and looked like an aging backpacker with his cap pulled low over his balding head. When he spotted her, he came right over, rubbing his hands together.

"Not exactly California weather. How do you stand all this sunshine and balmy breezes?"

Becca tried to smile, without much success. "You bear it as long as you can and then you move to the sun belt."

"I seem to have gotten things backward." He took a seat on the bench across from her and ordered a hot chocolate, offering to buy her one.

With her stomach performing somersaults, she declined.

After he was served, he turned to her. "Why the big pow wow today?"

Becca froze. She didn’t know where to start, or what scared her most. Was it running smack up against his denial, or learning the truth and not liking what she heard? He might even react with rage at her inquiry. She took a deep breath and pushed herself past her panic-induced inertia.

"I wanted to apologize for putting you on the spot in front of my folks the other night. I know it was awkward for you. It’s just that I’ve been in therapy ever since David’s death, and it was brought to my attention that I was molested around the age of six or seven. I need to figure out who did it to me." The words rushed out without another breath.

Paulie reached in his jacket pocket and pulled out a small pile of receipts that he slapped on the table. "I don’t know if this helps, but here’s proof I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t here in August. I didn’t move back to Philly until September."

She fingered the receipts, turning over several. Dates verified his claim he was in California at the time, but he could have flown out for a couple of days. Anything was possible.

"Why me?" He took the pile and placed it back in his pocket. "Why do you think I had anything to do with this?"

"It all started the night of my parents' homecoming party for you last October. The
Aramis
you wore that night triggered a weird reaction in me."

"You do realize the
Aramis
I wore that night was a homecoming gift from one of the guests."

That stopped her. "A gift? From a guest? Do you know which one?"

"To be honest, I don’t remember. I think it might have been one of your parents’ friends. I received a number of gifts that night."

"I see. Then you don’t typically wear
Aramis
?"

"No. Why?"

"Because it was the scent of
Aramis
that triggered the flashbacks and memories of being molested. To be honest with you, I’ve a distinct recollection of being with you at the time of the molestation. It’s one of the few things I do remember."

He took a sip of hot chocolate, steam rising to cloud his wire rim glasses. Behind them, his eyes looked sad. Serious. Maybe even ashamed.

He cleared his throat and said softly, "I was there."

As if hit by a stray bullet, she jerked back. How proud Julie would be to see her posture now. "Then something did happen?"

He stared down at the table. "I wish I had said something sooner, but you begged me not to tell. You said the boy you were with had threatened to burn down the house and kill your dog if you told anyone. You were so distraught, I decided to bury the thing. I guess you did, too."

She sat back, tears blurring her vision. It had happened. She wasn’t insane. All her nightmares and terrors were real. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. "What exactly do you know?"

"All I remember—you know this was over twenty years ago—is that I left work early one Saturday afternoon and swung by your house to talk your folks into going out for a bite. I knocked on the front door, but no one answered. Since the door had been left unlocked, as was typical of Irv when he left for a short errand, I let myself in. I heard loud music coming from upstairs and thought he might actually be home listening to the radio as he often did when he was alone.''

He paused, looking uncomfortable. With elbows on table top, he fiddled with a napkin, constantly twisting it between his fingers until it began to fray. "The door was open to your parents’ room and I glanced in to see you and a curly haired boy on the bed, partially undressed and ...well...fooling around." He flushed when he said the words and looked away from her. "I didn’t know what to make of it. We didn’t know much about child abuse in those days. I thought maybe you were experimenting with sex like a lot of kids do."

"What did you do next?"

"I yelled for you to stop doing what you were doing and to meet me downstairs. By the time you sauntered sheepishly into the living room with your head down, your friend had taken off out the back door. I never saw him again." He studied the pattern on the table top a long time before looking back up. "I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to Julie when it happened. You might not have suffered like this if it hadn’t been for my silence."

The tears she had restrained broke free. She tried to brush them away, but they fell fast and furiously. He had tears in his eyes also. They had both suffered in silence a long time because of what happened in that bedroom. "You don’t have to feel guilty...things are always clearer in hind-sight."

"Thanks for your understanding. I only wish I knew then what I know now. I never would have remained quiet."

Even with his obvious sadness, she couldn’t deny a slight doubt about his total veracity. He had good reason to cover up his role in her abuse. "Thank you for confirming my suspicions, but you could be of greater help if you’d tell me the boy's name."

He shook his head and the hat fell slant-wise. With long, slim fingers, he straightened it. "I'm afraid I never saw his face."

It made her less certain of his story. "Oh, that's too bad. Is there anything else you can tell me?"

He shook his head. “Sorry.”

          
Nowhere near as much as I was.
"I hope I’m not being too intrusive, but I have a couple more questions for you."

"Shoot."

"What happened between Julie and Irv.? As far back as I can remember, they’ve had this standoff. I’ve never understood the cause."

He stared past her. "I’m not sure how much I should tell you..."

She reached across the table. "Please. I need to know. You held back one truth and you’ve regretted it. Don’t keep this from me."

"I hear you." He toyed with the salt shaker. "You know your dad was drafted during Vietnam, right before your parents were supposed to get married. He served for two years and came back a different man. He’d always been reserved, but he returned sullen and withdrawn."

"But that still..."

He nodded. "I know there’s something more. A couple years after he came home, Julie caught him sending money to a woman in Saigon. Seems he fathered a child when he was there. You know Julie. She never forgave him for cheating on her—even under the circumstances. Things were never the same between them."

"Wow." She sat back stunned. "Who would have thought?"

"And your other question?"

"It’s about you. Why you’ve never married."

He didn’t answer right away, as though he was considering what to say. "I’m in a relationship now, but he’s in California wrapping up his affairs before moving out here."

Astonished this was the first she heard of it, she let out an involuntary gasp. "No one ever mentioned you were gay."

"I think Julie is still hoping I’ll change my mind, as if I had a choice. But you know your mother."

She chuckled. "I sure do."

"I hope this only validates my contention that I wasn’t the one who molested you. I’d never, ever, ever take advantage of a child like that, but especially a female one. I love women, but I’m not sexually attracted to them."

She believed him
. In appreciation for his openness, she skirted the table to give him a big hug, which he returned with warmth and generosity. A sense of gratitude and understanding toward her family, and utter acceptance of each of their special qualities and quirks, welled up inside her.

But that left her back where she began. If Paulie was telling the truth, who was the boy in bed with her? And did he have anything to do with the two murders and her rape? This may have closed off one possible avenue, but it didn’t open another. She’d just have to keep digging around until she discovered a crack in the case.

On a lazy Saturday in late February, Drew stopped by to take her to a nearby deli for brunch. How sweet of him. She relished her favorite morning meal of lox and bagel almost as much as she enjoyed his company.

Since snow had fallen overnight, along with the temperature, she bundled up in coat, hat, scarf, and gloves. He stood by and watched her layer clothing with a broad grin and a loving look. His good nature made him irresistible. She could just eat him up along with the bagel and cream cheese.

When she was appropriately attired for the weather, they left the apartment to a blast of what felt like arctic air that frosted her nose and cheeks with a light icy coating. She shivered and Drew wrapped an arm around her, drawing her close. She reacted by twining her arm around his waist.

Together they proceeded down Lombard to Samson Street. The lacy white flakes drifted onto porches, steps, car hoods, and a few alighted on the tip of Drew’s nose. She reached out to brush them away, but he caught her hand in his. Their eyes met in a moment of mirth and magic, then she laughed and rushed on ahead to the deli door.

By the time they finished their sandwiches and paid the bill, the snow had subsided, but a winter chill still hung in the air. They made a mad dash back to her apartment to find shelter from the cold, but on turning onto her block, she ran smack into Evan.

"Oops. Sorry."

He stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. "Whoa there. Where are you going in such a hurry?"

Drew strode up beside her. "We were in a hurry to get home. Didn’t mean any harm."

Evan’s eyes widened. "We...?"

Becca looked from one man to the other. "Evan, this is my friend Drew."

Evan looked paler than the snow. "This is the
friend
you were telling me about?"

With a wary expression, Drew squared his shoulders and took on a belligerent stance. Watching him, Evan tensed.

Worried, she placed herself between the two men. "Drew and I were at Zeke’s for a sandwich." She wanted desperately to defuse the situation.

Evan stared down his competition while addressing her. "So this is why I’ve seen so little of you the last few weeks? No wonder you’re too busy to get together with me. You do look occupied."

His agitation was unmistakable. She automatically flashed her palm in front of his face. "You’re wrong. I’ve seen Drew a couple of times since Angela’s death, but not anymore than I’ve seen you. Most of the time I’ve opted to be alone."

Evan shook his head in disbelief. "You weren’t alone when I visited you the other night, and you don’t look too alone now. Not with Drew here tagging along."

Drew took her by the arm and moved her out of the way. "Listen to me. Becca’s a big girl. She has the right to choose who she wants to be with, and right now that happens to be me. Isn’t that clear?"

Evan’s eyes flashed pure fury, and she could barely breathe wondering what he would do next. For a moment he looked as if he might draw back and punch Drew on his exposed nose. Instead, he shook his head, pivoted on his heels and strode up the street in a huff.

They watched Evan storm away, then Drew grasped her trembling hand and led her indoors. "I’m worried about you living near that guy. He’s scary. I want you to do whatever you can to protect yourself from him."

Becca chuckled. She knew Evan well enough to be confident he wouldn’t harm her, even in a jealous rage. Or...did...she? "He’s harmless. I’m not afraid of him."

"That’s not the point. Women are hurt all the time by the men they trust. I think you need to take measures to safeguard yourself."

He was right, even if she didn’t want to admit it to herself. "What do you suggest I do?"

"Report what just happened to the police."

She threw up her hands. "That’s a waste of time. They’re more likely to be on my tail, not his. Besides, I don’t believe Evan would do me harm, no matter how upset he is."

Drew kept a level gaze. "I’ll vouch for you. This guy might be trouble. They have to check him out. I know what to say that will motivate them. I didn’t go to law school for nothing."