Out of The Woods (11 page)

Tell me about you,” Eden said, much later that day. It was a big, wide-open question.

Halley’s eyes played on the unfurled fronds of a tree fern. They were curled up in tight circles, bright green, and lightly fuzzed with short, spiky fur. Like Halley, they had yet to open. She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about myself,” she said. Taking her eyes from the tree fern, she turned to look at Eden’s small, unthreatening figure. “I mean…I don’t…I mean…”

Eden’s eyes were gentle, their warm blue reassuring. “It’s okay. You can tell me – I won’t laugh. Please. Tell me.” Eden knew talking would help. It always helped her, even when it was just her stuffed bear she talked to; Fluffy always listened and he never ever talked back. She looked away from Halley to the tree fern.

“I’m lost.” Halley bit her lip, and shook her head slowly, looking down at the ground. She hated saying it aloud; she didn’t mean she was lost in the woods. Her fingernails dug into the palms of her hands.

“Lost?”

Halley swallowed. “For the longest time, I haven’t known why I’m here on this planet, or where I’m meant to go, or what I’m meant to do. I’ve tried to live some sort of valiant life. That sounds so stupid – a
“valiant life”
. She watched the sunlight play along the ground, and felt her face grow warm with embarrassment. “But that’s what I’ve tried to do anyway. To be a hero, in some small way. But I haven’t…” She paused, deciding to tell the whole truth. “There’s a baby…lost here somewhere that needs me
.” The whole truth,
she reminded herself. “I still miss Fernando, still love him…and Trance reminded me of how I once tried to kill myself…and…”

The words ran out. She stared at one particular red leaf on a small bush filled with green ones, and waited as if expecting a blow, waited for Eden’s harsh judgment of her weakness.

Eden reached out and placed her small, cool hand lightly on Halley’s upper arm. She rubbed up and down, very softly. “You sound just like I did when I found out they’d sold Suntan to that awful man. Remember?”

Halley nodded.

“He had that terrible white truck with all the horses jammed in,” Eden continued. “He didn’t even take Suntan’s saddle…”

The red leaf was so vibrant, like blood. Like a fresh cut, bleeding. Things could bleed for so long.

“They never told me what they did with him, where they’d taken him. I wanted to send him carrots at Christmas, but they wouldn’t tell me where to send them,” Eden said. “I felt just like you do, then. Like I’d never want to ride a horse again. Like nothing would ever be right.”

They were quiet for some time.

“You can tell me more, if you want. I’m a good listener.”

Halley hesitated before speaking. “I don’t trust myself anymore. I can’t hear myself, and when I can, I doubt that my instincts are right.” There was an edge to her voice, as if she was walking on a thin ledge and could slip off at any moment.

“I know what you mean.” Eden picked the red leaf from the bush that Halley had been studying and handed it to her. “Here,” she said, “this is a lucky one.”

Halley started.

“Its color reminds me of blood…”

“Well, I suppose, but…Dad used to say it was good when leaves turned red, because the color red symbolizes happiness. That makes it a lucky color.” Eden waited a moment until Halley took the leaf. “I think you get to trust yourself by doing things. It’s like…like the first time I jumped a cross rail on Suntan…” Eden smiled, remembering. “I didn’t think I could do it. I was really, really scared. But then I did it, and I knew I could do it. Like that.” She looked at Halley until she nodded. “I don’t think you’re lost. You just didn’t know it would be so hard to get where you’ve got to go. Come on. Let’s walk.”

Their feet scuffled along in the leaves. Eden kicked some up in the air, and let them fall gently around them. Halley smiled a small smile, and gave the leaves a kick herself. They both stopped short at what she had uncovered. On the ground was a silver bracelet.

Halley tucked the red leaf into her trouser pocket – if red was a lucky color, she would keep it. She could use some luck.

Bending down, she picked up the silver bracelet, which was tarnished almost black around the edges. It must have lain there a long while. The metal was cool to touch, but warmed quickly where she held it. She turned it around. It was heavy, a quarter inch thick, and about two inches wide. There was a small gap in its circumference to allow it to be slipped onto the wearer’s wrist. The bracelet was carved with a pattern that rose and fell over its entire length. It resembled a long series of ocean waves. She slipped the bracelet on her right wrist, squeezing it gently to make sure it would stay in place. It made her arm appear stronger.

“It looks nice on you,” Eden said. “You should keep it.”

They walked on.

Halley fingered the bracelet now and then, liking the sensation of its weight on her wrist. It gave her a sense of melting into, becoming one with, the land. The feeling was linked to the bracelet, but it was more than that. It was due to the sharing of the truth about herself with Eden. Talking so openly had brought the two of them closer, instead of leaving Halley feeling judged and alone. That amazed her. All her life, she had hidden the things about herself that she considered ugly or unattractive. She’d tried to present herself as positive, controlled, together. She’d lied. The lies had left her alone, isolated in a great empty cavern she had unwittingly carved.
I was always afraid to talk to people, afraid they wouldn’t like me if I told the truth.

But today, she had told the truth. Eden hadn’t turned away in disgust, hadn’t rolled her eyes and told her how stupid she was. She had simply listened and accepted what was. How glorious this felt, this small thing, this being heard. As if she were a tiny, premature, featherless bird shivering in the cold, and Eden had picked her up and held her in warm palms to her heart.

I was so afraid I’d bring people down if I told them how bad I felt.
She listened to Eden skipping behind her, humming a tune.
It doesn’t seem to have brought Eden down any. Maybe sharing the truth, the painful bits, is really a gift. Maybe it makes the one I share it with feel strong and wise and helpful.

“You okay?” Eden asked.

“Just fine,” Halley replied.

A tree with a large upraised scar in its center caught Halley’s eye. The thick tissue of the scar was lighter in color than the rest of the trunk. It looked like the tree had been stabbed with a knife, and the knife dragged down for several inches. Awful; but it had survived.
It’s stronger at the scar than any other place.

Thinking of her own scars, her own wounds, she wondered why she had labeled them “secrets” and “private” and “ugly”, why she had sought to erase them from her mind. They were the most instructive things in her life. They were the strong places.

Halley was becoming ready to see the truth, ready to look at the moments of her past she was uncovering. She could think of the blue butterflies and the purple wildflowers, and even the memories that Trance had re-stirred, and not try to blank them out.

A sudden chill ran threw her. She narrowed her eyes. There was more, wasn’t there? There was something else she wasn’t remembering. In her mind, she could sense its vague outline. Her awareness heightened, she became conscious of an unusual sound. She became painfully alert.

Above her, a cold wind rattled the trees, causing a thousand leaves to rub against their neighbors. The trees were too full, their leaves scraping and shoving each other in a battle for space. The air was overflowing with their whispering, and the sound for which she was listening so intently was masked by the leaf noise cramming the air. The small hairs on Halley’s forearms stood to attention. Willing the trees to
Still!
an
d Be quiet!,
she listened hard. The other noise was still there, underlying the scraping of the leaves. She couldn’t make it out. It was urgent to understand it! It was advancing relentlessly toward her.

“Can you hear that?”

“What?”

“That sound…I’m sure I hear something. Listen…”

“The leaves? Do you mean the leaves, moving in the wind?”

“No. It’s not that…”

A small ridge formed between Halley’s eyebrows. Her breathing quickened. She glanced behind her. Back the way they’d come.

“Oh no…”

Stretching back in the distance was the long, straight, open path, with its unfurling tree ferns and dinosaur leaves and banana trees. It was midday, and the clouds had gone. The sky was a brilliant, startling blue. The sun, directly overhead, erased the patterns of light and dark. All was illuminated and all was revealed and the sun was painful to behold in its brightness.

For the sun revealed the truth: the path behind them was no longer empty.

Trance! It was Trance moving towards them.

He came at them fast.

She stared at his ice-blue eyes, his fine white teeth. She couldn’t move.

He called to her. “Thank God you’re okay. I was afraid you’d drowned.”

Her pulse throbbed. It was as if he’d arisen from the grave.

“I kept searching for you,” he was saying. “Then I saw your blood on the rocks. I followed the trail of your blood…”

My blood. My life, draining away…

Trance was closer now.

Eden grabbed her cold hand, pulling at her urgently. “Come on!” she shouted.

But Halley was mesmerized. He was death, and she was drawn to him.

His sing-song voice droned on. “I see you’ve met Eden…”

“Let’s go!” Eden shouted again.

Eden! She had to protect Eden! She awoke from her reverie, and they began to run.

He pursued.

“Don’t look back!” Eden shouted as they tried to outdistance him. “Don’t listen. It’s his voice paralyzing you!”

“Don’t run,” Trance called after them. “You know I won’t hurt you. I’m the only one who can get you out of these woods. Please, stop.”

When they didn’t, he quickened his pace, his long stride lengthening into a loping run.

Halley ran, and didn’t look back. His footsteps thundered behind her. He had to take only one stride to their three.

“Quick! Down here!” Eden shouted, with a desperate burst of speed. A small, rocky trail led off the wide, smooth path.

They ran recklessly, leaping from rock to rock, their urgent need to escape making them take dangerous risks. When the path became suddenly flat and easy, they ran stretched out long and strong. Then tree roots suddenly strangled the way and they had to pull back quickly or fall over, they had to waste time jumping their feet carefully through the roots at a pace
not-fast-enough-to-get-away
. They fled as if they were soft-skinned animals pursued by a hungry predator; they fled as if their lives were at stake. Halley’s forehead throbbed – the wail of the baby echoed in her head. It was a terrifying sound. The baby was at the edge of death.

The path narrowed. With dismay, Halley saw that it led along the high contour line of a steep hill. On one side, the hill fell away sharply, a drop of several hundred feet. On the other was a high rock wall. There was no way off the path with Trance behind them. No way to go but forward. They ran a hundred feet more. It grew narrower.

No safety net, no railings. Nothing to stop us flying off the edge if we take a wrong step.

Her eyes were focused on the drop. She wasn’t watching her footing. Landing wrong on an unseen rock, her ankle gave way with a sharp twist. She lost her balance, and her flailing arms beat at the air. For a moment, a stretched out moment where she could feel every cell in her body, she was sure she would fall, would crash to earth hundreds of feet below. Then she threw her weight sideways towards the rock wall and crumpled down onto one knee. She was breathing fast.

It took a second for the terror of the near disaster to settle into the base of her spine. When it did she held herself completely still. A moment later, she looked back – Trance hadn’t caught up. Not yet. Cautiously, she gripped the rock wall, pulling herself to her feet while cursing at the slipping of her sweaty fingertips. She took weight onto the ankle gingerly.

“Are you okay?” Eden said.

“I think so…”

Halley let go of the security of the rock wall. “Listen, we’ve got to slow down – this path is too dangerous.” Her voice sounded thin to her ears, like a high cloud.

“No – he’s too close,” Eden said urgently. “We’ve got to move!”

Halley hesitated.

“We’ve got to run!” Eden shouted, looking behind her.

Halley looked where Eden was looking and saw Trance. His voice began echoing in her head, drowning out Eden’s words.

“You’re right, Halley…slow down…you’ll get yourself hurt. Wait for me. Let me talk to you.” He sounded as if he were soothing a headstrong child. “You’re not strong enough for this. It’s too dangerous.”

Halley watched him move, as if he were flying over the terrain; she found herself admiring his footwork and his competence. She saw his lips rise in a smile; it looked alluring. Maybe he was right. Maybe she should just wait.

“
No! You’ve run harder trails than this. Trust yourself, you can do this!”

Halley wasn’t sure whether she or Eden had said the words. She wasn’t even sure she’d heard them spoken aloud. But she began to run.

Lengthening their strides, gasping, Halley and Eden turned a sharp corner, and Halley saw with a surge of joy that there was finally a small break in the rock face, where a thin track climbed up the hill to the right. “Come on – he’ll think we’ve gone straight!”

Grabbing onto the trunk of a thin tree, she pulled herself up onto the barely visible dirt track. She extended a hand to Eden, but Eden ignored it and simply leapt up, as light on her feet as a well-toned cat.

They moved quickly up the thin, steep track, into dense woods. Tree branches caught on their clothes and snagged their hair. Low shrubs scratched their shins. They made hard, noisy progress. A few hundred meters up the trail, Halley held up her hand to signal Eden to stop. She raised a finger to her lips. Softly at first, and then more loudly, they heard Trance pounding down the high contour trail they had just left. As he got closer, she could hear him talking.

“Halley…remember that time you ran away on the beach, how you got lost? You were all alone. You were only five years old. Doesn’t this feel the same?” His footsteps were getting closer. “You need someone to find you, Halley. You need someone to help you. Let me help you. I want to help you…” The words were enticing, the tone of his voice gentle and warm.

The memory from her childhood, her lost on the beach, became vivid in Halley’s mind. She recalled being held protectively in the arms of a strong lifeguard, and how good it felt to be made safe by someone else.

Eden gripped Halley’s arm tightly. “No,” she whispered. “You don’t need him. Remember? You found your own way back that day. Believe in yourself.”

Eden’s words reminded Halley of the mantra she used to repeat to herself when she was young and scared:
believe in yourself believe in yourself believe in yourself.

She focused her mind, repeating the words in her head; they had a humming, warming quality to them, and allowed Halley to block out what Trance was saying. With a thin edge of her mind, she listened to him moving away. Although the distance between them grew, the volume of his voice remained the same.

“You’ll only get killed out here,” he said. “The animals will attack you in the night, without me to protect you.” He paused, as if relishing the thought. “Even if you do find your way out of the woods, you’ll never get by the woman on the plains.”

His words became muffled, and then died away completely.