Out with the In Crowd (19 page)

“Mmm, Braxton Hicks.” Mom sipped at her coffee. “I had those all the time with you.”

“What are they?”

“Braxton Hicks contractions. They’re like mini contractions getting your body ready for labor.” Mom took a seat in the wingback chair. “Hard to believe there’s going to be a baby around.”

I sat up and finger-combed my hair into the best ponytail I could. I always felt uncomfortable around Mom if I hadn’t groomed myself.

She looked at me with big, round eyes. “I so wish you’d come to Kapaa with us, Sky-baby.”

Tears blinded me. Mom hadn’t called me that for years. It reminded me of the little house, back when Mom giggled with Abbie and me and seemed to delight in us. Could it ever be like that again, or was it time to cut my losses with Mom?

“I don’t know,” I whispered.

Her face brightened ever so slightly. “Have you been thinking about it?”

I nodded. “I have these dreams . . .”

But did the dreams mean I was supposed to be in Hawaii or that it would be a disaster? Or did they mean anything at all? Were they just a result of me dwelling on Hawaii?

“I think it’d be good for you to get away from all this.” Mom fluttered her hand, as if to indicate this house, this life. As if it wasn’t something she’d helped create. “Try it just for the summer. You can always come back.”

I wound the drawstring of my pants around my finger, then unwound it. I thought of last night at the dance, Connor spinning me away and pulling me close. “I might come for a week or two, but no more than that. Connor . . .”

I couldn’t finish. I knew Mom would think me stupid for imagining myself in love at this age. Maybe I was stupid, though I couldn’t shake this feeling that ultimately Connor was who I’d be with. But marriage was a long way off. What about the in-between time?

“Connor is nobody to base your life plans on,” Mom said. “I know you care about him a great deal, but don’t let him hold you back. Don’t give up anything for him.”

Could I trust Mom, or did she speak from that angry place inside of her, the place that said she’d given up her life for my father and he’d cheated on her?

I’d spent enough time at the Ross house to see everything Amy gave up. Surely she’d rather do stuff besides cook and fold laundry, but she did it for Brian, for her kids. She saw it as a worthy sacrifice. But would she still think so if Brian up and left her?

If it weren’t for Connor, I’d have hopped at the chance to go to Hawaii. If I truly loved him, like I knew I did, was the experience an acceptable thing to give up? I didn’t know. “Let’s just say I’m still thinking about it,” I said to Mom in a crisp, end-of-discussion kind of voice.

She tuned the TV in to a political show. I went upstairs to boot Abbie out of my room and get dressed for church.

21

“I have to tell you something.” Lisa had a skittish look about her, like a puppy who’d peed on the rug.

I sighed and closed my locker door. “Did you get back together with John?”

She looked me in the eye. “No! I told you it was over with him.”

“You’ve said that before.”

Her brow wrinkled. “I’m changing. I told you.”

“Who isn’t these days?” I said, then grimaced. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Lisa to change. Or Jodi. I just didn’t want her grabbing onto my boyfriend in the process.

“That’s kinda what I need to talk to you about.” Lisa glanced around the emptying hallway. The bell could ring any second, but I had study hall and didn’t care. Whatever class Lisa had next, she didn’t seem in any hurry to get there. Or to get to her point.

I hitched my bag up on my shoulder. “Where are you headed? I’ll walk with you.”

“I think it’d be best to do this somewhere hidden,” Lisa said. “Certain people might see.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Certain people whose names begin with J and A? Why do you care what they think?”

Lisa’s jaw clenched. “You know, maybe I don’t have anything to say after all. Maybe I just imagined Jodi leaving the party Saturday night with Connor.”

“What do you mean?”

My mind ticked through Saturday night’s events. We’d stayed until the end of the dance—a first for Abbie and me. Connor and Chris took us home. Abbie fell asleep in the car. Connor kissed me good night. I lugged Abbie upstairs. I looked at the clock as I fell into bed—12:14.

Lisa gave me a wary look. “Will you stop being a snot?” I swallowed the nasty response waiting on the end of my tongue. “Yes.”

“Here’s what I know.” Lisa dropped her voice, as if the lockers might be bugged. “Jodi was wasted. I mean, toilet-hugging drunk. She made a phone call, and ten minutes later I saw Connor helping her out of the party. They sat in his car for, like, fifteen minutes, and then he drove off.”

She evaluated me, as if expecting a barrage of questions. I could barely process this information, much less think of a response.

“I don’t know who all saw,” Lisa continued. “I know Eli didn’t. He was upstairs with some trampy girl when Jodi called Connor.”

“I don’t think it means anything.” I tried to sound sure of this. To not think about yesterday at church. Or our phone conversation yesterday afternoon. Or this morning when he brought Abbie and me to school. All those opportunities to tell me.

Lisa shrugged. “Maybe not.” But I could tell she doubted.

“I’m sure he was just giving her a ride home. She probably didn’t have anyone else to call.”

“I’m sure that’s all it was.”

But those fifteen minutes that she’d seen them sitting in the car . . .

“And how much had you been drinking? Maybe it seemed like they sat out there for a long time, but they really didn’t.”

“I only had a beer or two. And I’m pretty sure I looked at the clock. But . . .” She shrugged again. “Maybe it really was just a couple minutes.”

“Or maybe it
was
longer, but it’s because Jodi threw up or something.”

“Certainly wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Certainly wouldn’t “And maybe—”

“Maybe there’s someone else you should be talking to.” Lisa gave me a pointed look. “
He
will actually have answers.”

I forced myself to think about Connor, about what his answers might be. Giving Jodi a ride home, I could rationalize. Him not telling me, I couldn’t. That meant something, didn’t it?

“You’re right,” I said to Lisa. I took a couple steps back, toward Connor’s English class. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Good luck,” she called after me.

Halfway to Connor’s class, the tears came and couldn’t be stopped. I ducked into a bathroom, grateful to find it vacant. As I bawled on the dingy bathroom floor, I tallied my losses.

Since putting my life back in God’s hands, Abbie had gotten pregnant, my parents’ marriage teetered on the edge of failure, I’d lost all my friends and my first boyfriend, and I was about to lose my second.

Maybe it wasn’t right to blame God. Maybe it would’ve happened anyway, and he was the only reason for my survival.

“Do you have answers?” I asked. “Can you fix this? Hawaii, Connor, my ready-to-pop sister?”

Like my dad, I’d never been good at praying. I had a rough time converting my thoughts into words. The same trouble I had with people. But luckily, unlike people, God was bigger than my loss for words.

I squeezed my eyes shut. “Because I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know.”

I once thought I’d had it all figured out. But now I knew I didn’t. With a certainty I’d never before felt, I knew I was clueless. Should I stay with Connor? Was this a losing battle with him and Jodi? Should my parents stay together? Should I go to Hawaii? I didn’t know any of it.

“I just want whatever’s best,” I whispered. “I just want you to take all these decisions and make them for me.”

He didn’t seem to be answering. Should I be able to hear him? Did it mean I’d prayed wrong if I didn’t feel peaceful or have clear direction?

I heard voices approaching the bathroom and scurried off the floor.

I didn’t make eye contact with either of the entering girls, couldn’t have described anything about them other than their poor taste in shoes.

But they knew me.

“Can you believe the administration’s still letting her sister come to school?” one said to the other as the door swung closed. “She’s so pregnant, it’s gross.”

“I bet her dad paid them off,” the second girl said.

Their words burned, as did the surge of fresh tears. The old me would’ve marched back into that bathroom and given those girls a piece of my mind. The old me would’ve defended Abbie, even if we weren’t that close.

For the first time, I liked the old Skylar much better. The new one just hung her head and slunk away.

Just how long did Connor plan on waiting before telling me about Jodi? Surely he knew it couldn’t be kept a secret. Even if he and Jodi swore to take it to the grave, wouldn’t he suspect someone might have seen him hauling her drunk butt out of John’s house?

And even if he knew beyond a doubt there was no way I’d find out, this was still Connor we were talking about. Connor who didn’t believe in dishonesty. Connor who prided himself on getting all the cards out on the table. On being the same in the dark as in the light.

I decided I’d like to know just how long it would take him to fess up. I wouldn’t say a word of what Lisa told me. And if someone brought up the party, I might go so far as to pretend I’d forgotten it happened in the first place. Then, when Connor finally did tell me, I’d make him feel really guilty.

The plan seemed genius. Until I saw him.

He smiled when he saw me coming out of study hall. “Hey, good lookin’. Going my way?”

Hey, good lookin’. Going my way?”

I cringed when he put his arm around me.

“I think we should go out tonight,” Connor said as we headed toward our horribly boring Health Sciences class. “It’s been forever since the two of us went out.”

“You mean besides Sweetheart on Saturday?” My voice had a rasp to it, like it often got if I’d cried a lot. Connor didn’t seem to notice.

“That doesn’t count. We were with Chris and Abbie.”

“Well, I can’t.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “I promised Abbie we’d hang out tonight.”

Connor frowned. “You can’t hang out some other night?”

“We need to get the baby’s room ready.”

His frown deepened. “Can’t you do that tomorrow night?”

I shook my head. “Abbie wants to get it done before this weekend.”

“What’s this weekend?”

“The winter retreat. Remember?”

“Right.” He scratched the back of his head. “Well, I guess we’ll spend time together there. Nothing says romance like the entire youth group in rural Missouri.”

“Like you care about romance.”

Connor feigned outrage. “Excuse me, but I’m always romantic. You’re the one without a romantic bone in her body.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is. Especially recently. I’m always the one remembering our anniversary, coming up with Valentine’s arrangements—”

I yanked away from him. “That’s enough. I’ve got a lot going on, okay? I’m struggling to make decent grades for the first time in my life. My sister’s about to have a baby. My mom keeps pushing me about coming to Hawaii with her. Does it sound like I have time for anything else right now?”

He glanced at the other students streaming around us, then took my hands and squeezed them. “I don’t mean to be hard on you, Skylar. It’s just . . .” He shook his head. “Recently I feel like your attention is always divided. You’re thinking about Abbie or your parents. And I know those are big things going on in your life, but I just wish you’d open up to me more about them.”

“Sure, open up more.” Despite my fury, my voice sounded eerily calm. “That’s really the problem here. Me.”

Connor blinked at this. “You’re mad.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Why?”

“Why? Tell me why you think I’d be mad.”

Connor sighed and raked his hands through his hair. “Come on, Skylar. You know I hate that kind of stuff. Let’s just get it all out on the table.”

“Yeah. Go ahead. Get it out on the table.” I took a step back and gave him an icy glare with only minimal effort. “You have plenty to share, don’t you? From Saturday night?”

Connor’s face froze in horror. “
That’s
what this is about.”

“Yeah.” I pulled my arms tight against my chest, like I could protect myself. “Lisa told me.”

“Look, I know I should’ve told you, but it wasn’t a big deal—”

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, spare me, Connor,” I said as I marched away.

He jogged to catch up. “She needed a ride home, I took her home. That was it. I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d freak out.”

“No. I’m freaking out
because
you didn’t tell me.”

“You’d have freaked out either way and you know it.”

“No.” We’d reached a quieter part of the hallway, so I pulled to the side and stopped walking. “This doesn’t get to be about what’s wrong with me, okay? It’s not about my insecurities or all the ways I might have screwed up. This is about you not telling me something you
know
you should have.”

He swallowed and nodded slowly. “You’re right. I should’ve told you.”

“I told you she was the end of us.”

“I told you she was the end of “I know you did. I’m sorry.”

“What’s the deal with her?” I forced myself to ask. I hoped I wouldn’t cry again. “Why can’t you just leave her alone?”

“Skylar, she needs someone stable in her life. That’s all I’m trying to be.”

And that’s when it dawned on me. “I get it now.” So Connor had flaws after all. “It’s not
just
about being there for her, is it?”

“Of course that’s all it is,” he said crossly. “I’ve been telling you that the whole time.”

“No. It’s about
fixing
her. Just like you fixed me.”

“It’s not like that,” Connor said, each syllable measured and heavy.

I’d seen him angry like this only once before—my eighteenth birthday when I’d suggested he wanted to be my boyfriend, but Connor hadn’t been ready to admit it to himself. It would only be a matter of time before he realized I was right about this too.

“It is. And I can’t be in a relationship like this. We have no chance of being happy and normal because you need to be swooping in and saving the day.”