Outing of the Heart (100 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
âIt's all very straight forward, Tenille,' Rani reassured her. They moved on, but progress was slow due to all the introductions. They were making her feel she'd already said yes, but she needed to know more about the actual news part.
The tour completed, Gudrun returned to her cubicle and Rani took her back to the newsroom. Aldo was still working on the late afternoon's news, so she didn't interrupt him, except to check that it was all right for them to be there. She showed her the press releases the station received, of forthcoming events. There was a stack of daily newspapers from all over.
âAny item already covered by a previous newscaster is always marked and dated, to avoid too much repetition and â¦'
âRani.' Ten aghast, interrupted her in mid-flow: âDo you mean I would have to write the news as well as read it?' This was definitely more than she'd bargained for.
âYes, but don't you see, Tenille, this is the wonderful part of working at CKLN. You would have so much autonomy. You get to choose what will go out over the airwaves. Think of that.' Rani concluded in wonderment. Ten was thinking of that and was horrified. Such responsibility. She wasn't up to it. Rani saw her look of discomposure and backtracked a little.
âYou don't have to decide right this minute,' she assured her. âSleep on it and come back Wednesday. Let Aldo show you the ropes.'
They headed over to the canteen, a light airy space which, at this time of day was only dotted with students.
âGood, no crush. We'll have our pick of the tables,' Rani observed. Having settled themselves, she was about to enquire what Tenille thought of the station itself, when a young man, dressed most stylishly in fine wool casual pants and sweater, came up and greeted Rani with a kiss. He asked if he could join them. She indicated a chair and proceeded to introduce Fabrice Roche. He eyed Ten appraisingly.
âYou, my dear, are ravishing,' he observed boldly, in a soft, breathy voice. Turning to Rani he asked in a conspiratorial tone: âDoes Moira know about this one?' Ten looked at him quite amazed.
âDon't pay any attention to Fabrice, Tenille. He's just trying to stir up gossip.' She turned to the very attractive and beautifully built male specimen and told him to behave himself. âFabrice is the reason I'm a volunteer here. We met at a cocktail party hosted by mutual friends and got chatting,' she explained.
âYou have such stunning eyes, it's hard not to stare,' Fabrice continued as though he'd heard nothing. Now he turned to Rani. âWait 'til Serge meets her, he'll want to paint her for sur..re. It's all right â¦' looking back to Tenille: â â¦he doesn't do nudes; loves faces.' Ten speculated that whoever Serge was, he must have painted Fabrice, probably many times. His face was classical in its beauty. His hair, worn long and tied back, was a tawny, glistening mane. Altogether too handsome she observed. Women must be falling all over themselves.
âSo where did you two meet, Tenille, at The Rose? I know Rani pops in there sometimes after her stint at the station if Moira's working late.' He was so inquisitive for a first meeting. Ten was now used to the women. They eased themselves along step by step, more reserved: less theatrical. She was saved from reply by Rani's sudden revelation.
âYou see, Tenille, it's a gay world we live in, Moira and I ⦠and of course, including this buffalo in a cafeteria.' She gave Fabrice a mock glare.
âOo..ps, sorry Rani. Have I dropped hairpins?' He tried to look contrite, but didn't do a very good job of it. In his defence he continued: âI've never seen you spending social time talking to straights ⦠you can't blame me for jumping to conclusions.' This last was on a rather petulant note.
âIt's all right Fabrice, I don't mind if Tenille doesn't.' Rani lifted an enquiring eyebrow in Ten's direction.
âNo, no, it's cool.' She really didn't know what to say. Male homosexuals were not part of her life's experience so she was rather out of her depth. She thought she must have been staring as much at him as he was at her. Well, everything was out now, so why not jump in?
âI know The Rose, but no, we didn't meet there. Rani is my landlady.' Her first admission to any stranger that she too, was gay. She hadn't expected it to come so soon. Only four days ago at the dinner she'd been so worried about telling Moira and Rani and now here it was done. No histrionics and everyone still with their shirt on.
Fabrice smiled broadly as he turned to Rani. âOf course, I remember now. You were telling Serge you'd finally gotten new tenants' This time his bold gaze rested on Ten. âThey were so happy when you guys turned up. They'd been hoping for a couple rather than two singles. You were answers to their prayers.' Ten looked at Rani in surprise. He went on. âNot only Lesbians; not only a couple; but so nice too.' He sat back feeling very satisfied with his contribution.
âFabrice, that's enough for one day,' Rani reproved. âWhy don't you leave us so we can talk without any more interpositions?' He rose from the table in one fluid movement.
“He really does have a magnificent body,”
Ten admired.
âTenille, it's been a pleasure to make your acquaintance,' he said gallantly, coming round to her side of the table. He took her hand in his and raised it to his lips in a farewell kiss, smiling into her eyes. âI hope we will meet again ⦠soon.' He turned to Rani and putting his hand on her shoulder leaned forward and kissed her whispering: âForgive me?' The look she returned said it all. He was not only beautiful, but also charming with it.
After his departure Rani and Ten did talk together very openly. They felt a great feeling of camaraderie and at the end of it all, when Rani asked Ten how she felt about working at the station, she impulsively said: âI'll do it.'
Sid was home when they got back. She invited Rani in for a drink, but she had to go. Ten reiterated her thanks and Rani promised to set it up with Aldo, same time next week.
âTell me, Sweetheart, how was it?' Sid wanted to know. She was sitting in the lowboy with Ten on her lap.
âBefore I get into that, Hon, let me tell you what happened at the end.' Ten had wrapped her arms about Sid's shoulders and was now playing with the short hair at the back of her neck. She described Fabrice and her encounter with him, culminating with the revelation that they were all gay.
âRani dismissed him, then we had this great talk. Sid, she really is a lovely person. I'm so glad we've met them. Next time Fabrice and Serge have a party, she's going to take us along. They live in Don Mills.'
âHey Babe, we can't just gatecrash.' Sid didn't want to deflate Ten's enthusiasm, but she wasn't so sure about getting pally with gay guys. âListen, some Gays can be a bit funny with women. You need to get to know them first,' she advised.
âWhy darling, whatever do you mean? He was really friendly with me. In fact I was quite overwhelmed.' Ten couldn't understand her reluctance, but then Sid hadn't met him.
Sid placed Ten down in the chair while she went to get them a beer. On her return she pulled up a cushion and sat at Ten's feet, resting her elbow on her knee. âI bet he was bowled over by you, my love.' She picked up her hand and turning it over kissed its soft palm.
“Twice in one day,”
Ten thought,
“what is this?”
âBut ⦠you are beautiful ⦠and feminine.' Sid returned the hand to her lap: âGuys can pay homage to that, but they don't feel the same way about dykes.'
âYou're not a dyke, darling.'
âNo? Well that's a moot point; semantics perhaps, but I'm not femme and I certainly am butch.' She said all this quite calmly, merely stating a truth. âNow I'm not saying that this Fabrice and Serge wouldn't be nice to us, in fact I'm sure they'd love you, but for the likes of me it can be a bit more difficult.'
Ten remembered back to a time when she'd wondered about how Sid felt, being out and not trying to masquerade, perhaps now she would tell her.
âHow difficult, Honey?' It was her turn to clasp Sid's hand in hers.
âIf the guys are used to being around Lesbians, they take you in their stride, like buddies together. Know what I mean?' Ten nodded. âSome of the older ones, those more part of the establishment, perhaps in socially sensitive jobs, well ⦠they can feel the need to protect their image, so they're not happy to be seen mixing with other than ultra feminine women. They'll escort a femme as their date, or whatever, but would rather die than be seen with a butch. Consequently, we number amongst our male friends mostly âout' men, the ones who are brave and don't give a damn, ready to stand up and be counted, no matter what.' Sid sighed, as though thinking back down some long corridor of memory.
âSome of them are just fantastic people. So easy to love, but so hard to lose.' She sighed again and was silent.
Tentatively Ten asked: âDid you know someone special like that?' Sid looked up, her eyes glistening, small globes of tears attaching to her fair lashes like diamonds. âHis name was Randall. When we kidded about we called him Randy, of course. He was a lovely man. He would go out of his way to help you and always had time to listen ⦠or, he always made time.' She smiled in recollection.
âHe was witty too. Even at the end, with his poor body ravaged by infection, he could come up with some observation which was so humorous, it would just crack us up.' She had given Ten a glass when she brought over the drinks and kept the bottle for herself. Now she took a big swig.
âI had another friend, Wayne. I met him through Volleyball. He got me involved in the buddy system.' She looked at Ten again. âYou know about that?' She shook her head so she proceeded to elaborate.
Once the AIDS virus began taking its toll in the gay community, people rallied round to give support, especially where family lived elsewhere or didn't want to get involved. You would take on a hospital inmate and remain with him, faithful to the end. Through thick or thin, no matter what. You were buddies.
âI see,' she acknowledged out loud, thinking how wonderful of people to be so dedicated.
âNow I was never a buddy, but through Wayne, I would pop over to Huntley Street with him after Volleyball.'
âYou lost me. What's Huntley Street?'
âOh sorry. Casey House. It's a hospice where gays who are advanced, or only HIV+, go for treatment or guidance or actually reside if they can no longer cope at home. Anyway, we used to visit Randall there and I got to know him ⦠and love him. He had come to Toronto from Kapuskasing. His family still lives up there so they couldn't get down very often. They were quite poor too, I believe. You know how difficult it can be, making a living in northern Ontario. It was very hard on all of us when Randall died.' She was silent for some time. Ten just waited; when she was ready she would continue.
âThat guy had so many friends. We were all there at the end. His lover read the eulogy, but broke down and couldn't continue. Wayne took over. I tell you Ten, there wasn't a dry eye in the parlor. We all miss him. Why is it that it's the beautiful people who have to be taken from us? Had Randall lived he would have contributed so much to the community.' She looked down, just staring at her hands, now falling loosely between her knees.
âPerhaps he has contributed to your lives by his death?' Ten ventured. Sid looked up. The tears had spilled down onto her cheeks. Ten gently brushed them away with her fingertips.
âYou know, you're right,' she realized then paused before continuing. âI got to know some really wonderful guys in that time. Another friend of Randall's had parents who were deaf. Of course he could sign, so he was very active in the gay deaf community. When shows and skits were put on he would gladly interpret for them. He played Volleyball too, as a means of relaxation.' She paused then gathered herself together again.
âYou see, Ten, I've not mixed with the cocktail crowd. They could be way out of my league.' Sid knew she had rambled on a bit, but hoped Ten could see where she was coming from.
âDo you ever visit with these friends now?'
Sid shook her head. âI've kinda lost touch with them. After Randy's death, Wayne felt burned out so he didn't take on another Buddy. It really affects you when they go. You get so close; feelings get too tangled.' By now her voice had dropped so low the sound was only a thread. She rallied. âAnyway, shortly after this time I met Karen and once I was involved with her ⦠well, I let other commitments slip.'
Ten understood. Life is full of starts and stops. Her own attested to that. âIt's no problem about Serge and Fabrice, Hon. It was just something Rani mentioned in passing. Why don't you come into the kitchen while I make us supper? I can tell you about my visit to the station while you cut up the squash.' She looked quizzically at her lover.
âMe.' exclaimed Sid in mock indignation. âI thought that was your task?' The mood was lifting and they were happy together.
Ten's laughter bubbled over. âWe're an enlightened couple, right? And I know my rights.' She wagged her index authoritatively as she got up, no longer using her cane when moving about the apartment, and collected the empty bottle and glass on her way to the kitchen.
It was a cosy evening. Sid was pleased Ten had decided to give news-reading a go and, like her, somewhat taken aback when she realized composing the news broadcast would be stage one. âBut you can do it Babe. You've got the education and the smarts,' she reassured her. âAnyway, if you don't like it, you can always leave,' she proclaimed matter of factly.
âYou know me, Sid. If I start something, I don't like to quit on it, unless circumstances leave me no choice. You know how it was with my dancing. I got really cut up about that.'
The tour completed, Gudrun returned to her cubicle and Rani took her back to the newsroom. Aldo was still working on the late afternoon's news, so she didn't interrupt him, except to check that it was all right for them to be there. She showed her the press releases the station received, of forthcoming events. There was a stack of daily newspapers from all over.
âAny item already covered by a previous newscaster is always marked and dated, to avoid too much repetition and â¦'
âRani.' Ten aghast, interrupted her in mid-flow: âDo you mean I would have to write the news as well as read it?' This was definitely more than she'd bargained for.
âYes, but don't you see, Tenille, this is the wonderful part of working at CKLN. You would have so much autonomy. You get to choose what will go out over the airwaves. Think of that.' Rani concluded in wonderment. Ten was thinking of that and was horrified. Such responsibility. She wasn't up to it. Rani saw her look of discomposure and backtracked a little.
âYou don't have to decide right this minute,' she assured her. âSleep on it and come back Wednesday. Let Aldo show you the ropes.'
They headed over to the canteen, a light airy space which, at this time of day was only dotted with students.
âGood, no crush. We'll have our pick of the tables,' Rani observed. Having settled themselves, she was about to enquire what Tenille thought of the station itself, when a young man, dressed most stylishly in fine wool casual pants and sweater, came up and greeted Rani with a kiss. He asked if he could join them. She indicated a chair and proceeded to introduce Fabrice Roche. He eyed Ten appraisingly.
âYou, my dear, are ravishing,' he observed boldly, in a soft, breathy voice. Turning to Rani he asked in a conspiratorial tone: âDoes Moira know about this one?' Ten looked at him quite amazed.
âDon't pay any attention to Fabrice, Tenille. He's just trying to stir up gossip.' She turned to the very attractive and beautifully built male specimen and told him to behave himself. âFabrice is the reason I'm a volunteer here. We met at a cocktail party hosted by mutual friends and got chatting,' she explained.
âYou have such stunning eyes, it's hard not to stare,' Fabrice continued as though he'd heard nothing. Now he turned to Rani. âWait 'til Serge meets her, he'll want to paint her for sur..re. It's all right â¦' looking back to Tenille: â â¦he doesn't do nudes; loves faces.' Ten speculated that whoever Serge was, he must have painted Fabrice, probably many times. His face was classical in its beauty. His hair, worn long and tied back, was a tawny, glistening mane. Altogether too handsome she observed. Women must be falling all over themselves.
âSo where did you two meet, Tenille, at The Rose? I know Rani pops in there sometimes after her stint at the station if Moira's working late.' He was so inquisitive for a first meeting. Ten was now used to the women. They eased themselves along step by step, more reserved: less theatrical. She was saved from reply by Rani's sudden revelation.
âYou see, Tenille, it's a gay world we live in, Moira and I ⦠and of course, including this buffalo in a cafeteria.' She gave Fabrice a mock glare.
âOo..ps, sorry Rani. Have I dropped hairpins?' He tried to look contrite, but didn't do a very good job of it. In his defence he continued: âI've never seen you spending social time talking to straights ⦠you can't blame me for jumping to conclusions.' This last was on a rather petulant note.
âIt's all right Fabrice, I don't mind if Tenille doesn't.' Rani lifted an enquiring eyebrow in Ten's direction.
âNo, no, it's cool.' She really didn't know what to say. Male homosexuals were not part of her life's experience so she was rather out of her depth. She thought she must have been staring as much at him as he was at her. Well, everything was out now, so why not jump in?
âI know The Rose, but no, we didn't meet there. Rani is my landlady.' Her first admission to any stranger that she too, was gay. She hadn't expected it to come so soon. Only four days ago at the dinner she'd been so worried about telling Moira and Rani and now here it was done. No histrionics and everyone still with their shirt on.
Fabrice smiled broadly as he turned to Rani. âOf course, I remember now. You were telling Serge you'd finally gotten new tenants' This time his bold gaze rested on Ten. âThey were so happy when you guys turned up. They'd been hoping for a couple rather than two singles. You were answers to their prayers.' Ten looked at Rani in surprise. He went on. âNot only Lesbians; not only a couple; but so nice too.' He sat back feeling very satisfied with his contribution.
âFabrice, that's enough for one day,' Rani reproved. âWhy don't you leave us so we can talk without any more interpositions?' He rose from the table in one fluid movement.
“He really does have a magnificent body,”
Ten admired.
âTenille, it's been a pleasure to make your acquaintance,' he said gallantly, coming round to her side of the table. He took her hand in his and raised it to his lips in a farewell kiss, smiling into her eyes. âI hope we will meet again ⦠soon.' He turned to Rani and putting his hand on her shoulder leaned forward and kissed her whispering: âForgive me?' The look she returned said it all. He was not only beautiful, but also charming with it.
After his departure Rani and Ten did talk together very openly. They felt a great feeling of camaraderie and at the end of it all, when Rani asked Ten how she felt about working at the station, she impulsively said: âI'll do it.'
Sid was home when they got back. She invited Rani in for a drink, but she had to go. Ten reiterated her thanks and Rani promised to set it up with Aldo, same time next week.
âTell me, Sweetheart, how was it?' Sid wanted to know. She was sitting in the lowboy with Ten on her lap.
âBefore I get into that, Hon, let me tell you what happened at the end.' Ten had wrapped her arms about Sid's shoulders and was now playing with the short hair at the back of her neck. She described Fabrice and her encounter with him, culminating with the revelation that they were all gay.
âRani dismissed him, then we had this great talk. Sid, she really is a lovely person. I'm so glad we've met them. Next time Fabrice and Serge have a party, she's going to take us along. They live in Don Mills.'
âHey Babe, we can't just gatecrash.' Sid didn't want to deflate Ten's enthusiasm, but she wasn't so sure about getting pally with gay guys. âListen, some Gays can be a bit funny with women. You need to get to know them first,' she advised.
âWhy darling, whatever do you mean? He was really friendly with me. In fact I was quite overwhelmed.' Ten couldn't understand her reluctance, but then Sid hadn't met him.
Sid placed Ten down in the chair while she went to get them a beer. On her return she pulled up a cushion and sat at Ten's feet, resting her elbow on her knee. âI bet he was bowled over by you, my love.' She picked up her hand and turning it over kissed its soft palm.
“Twice in one day,”
Ten thought,
“what is this?”
âBut ⦠you are beautiful ⦠and feminine.' Sid returned the hand to her lap: âGuys can pay homage to that, but they don't feel the same way about dykes.'
âYou're not a dyke, darling.'
âNo? Well that's a moot point; semantics perhaps, but I'm not femme and I certainly am butch.' She said all this quite calmly, merely stating a truth. âNow I'm not saying that this Fabrice and Serge wouldn't be nice to us, in fact I'm sure they'd love you, but for the likes of me it can be a bit more difficult.'
Ten remembered back to a time when she'd wondered about how Sid felt, being out and not trying to masquerade, perhaps now she would tell her.
âHow difficult, Honey?' It was her turn to clasp Sid's hand in hers.
âIf the guys are used to being around Lesbians, they take you in their stride, like buddies together. Know what I mean?' Ten nodded. âSome of the older ones, those more part of the establishment, perhaps in socially sensitive jobs, well ⦠they can feel the need to protect their image, so they're not happy to be seen mixing with other than ultra feminine women. They'll escort a femme as their date, or whatever, but would rather die than be seen with a butch. Consequently, we number amongst our male friends mostly âout' men, the ones who are brave and don't give a damn, ready to stand up and be counted, no matter what.' Sid sighed, as though thinking back down some long corridor of memory.
âSome of them are just fantastic people. So easy to love, but so hard to lose.' She sighed again and was silent.
Tentatively Ten asked: âDid you know someone special like that?' Sid looked up, her eyes glistening, small globes of tears attaching to her fair lashes like diamonds. âHis name was Randall. When we kidded about we called him Randy, of course. He was a lovely man. He would go out of his way to help you and always had time to listen ⦠or, he always made time.' She smiled in recollection.
âHe was witty too. Even at the end, with his poor body ravaged by infection, he could come up with some observation which was so humorous, it would just crack us up.' She had given Ten a glass when she brought over the drinks and kept the bottle for herself. Now she took a big swig.
âI had another friend, Wayne. I met him through Volleyball. He got me involved in the buddy system.' She looked at Ten again. âYou know about that?' She shook her head so she proceeded to elaborate.
Once the AIDS virus began taking its toll in the gay community, people rallied round to give support, especially where family lived elsewhere or didn't want to get involved. You would take on a hospital inmate and remain with him, faithful to the end. Through thick or thin, no matter what. You were buddies.
âI see,' she acknowledged out loud, thinking how wonderful of people to be so dedicated.
âNow I was never a buddy, but through Wayne, I would pop over to Huntley Street with him after Volleyball.'
âYou lost me. What's Huntley Street?'
âOh sorry. Casey House. It's a hospice where gays who are advanced, or only HIV+, go for treatment or guidance or actually reside if they can no longer cope at home. Anyway, we used to visit Randall there and I got to know him ⦠and love him. He had come to Toronto from Kapuskasing. His family still lives up there so they couldn't get down very often. They were quite poor too, I believe. You know how difficult it can be, making a living in northern Ontario. It was very hard on all of us when Randall died.' She was silent for some time. Ten just waited; when she was ready she would continue.
âThat guy had so many friends. We were all there at the end. His lover read the eulogy, but broke down and couldn't continue. Wayne took over. I tell you Ten, there wasn't a dry eye in the parlor. We all miss him. Why is it that it's the beautiful people who have to be taken from us? Had Randall lived he would have contributed so much to the community.' She looked down, just staring at her hands, now falling loosely between her knees.
âPerhaps he has contributed to your lives by his death?' Ten ventured. Sid looked up. The tears had spilled down onto her cheeks. Ten gently brushed them away with her fingertips.
âYou know, you're right,' she realized then paused before continuing. âI got to know some really wonderful guys in that time. Another friend of Randall's had parents who were deaf. Of course he could sign, so he was very active in the gay deaf community. When shows and skits were put on he would gladly interpret for them. He played Volleyball too, as a means of relaxation.' She paused then gathered herself together again.
âYou see, Ten, I've not mixed with the cocktail crowd. They could be way out of my league.' Sid knew she had rambled on a bit, but hoped Ten could see where she was coming from.
âDo you ever visit with these friends now?'
Sid shook her head. âI've kinda lost touch with them. After Randy's death, Wayne felt burned out so he didn't take on another Buddy. It really affects you when they go. You get so close; feelings get too tangled.' By now her voice had dropped so low the sound was only a thread. She rallied. âAnyway, shortly after this time I met Karen and once I was involved with her ⦠well, I let other commitments slip.'
Ten understood. Life is full of starts and stops. Her own attested to that. âIt's no problem about Serge and Fabrice, Hon. It was just something Rani mentioned in passing. Why don't you come into the kitchen while I make us supper? I can tell you about my visit to the station while you cut up the squash.' She looked quizzically at her lover.
âMe.' exclaimed Sid in mock indignation. âI thought that was your task?' The mood was lifting and they were happy together.
Ten's laughter bubbled over. âWe're an enlightened couple, right? And I know my rights.' She wagged her index authoritatively as she got up, no longer using her cane when moving about the apartment, and collected the empty bottle and glass on her way to the kitchen.
It was a cosy evening. Sid was pleased Ten had decided to give news-reading a go and, like her, somewhat taken aback when she realized composing the news broadcast would be stage one. âBut you can do it Babe. You've got the education and the smarts,' she reassured her. âAnyway, if you don't like it, you can always leave,' she proclaimed matter of factly.
âYou know me, Sid. If I start something, I don't like to quit on it, unless circumstances leave me no choice. You know how it was with my dancing. I got really cut up about that.'
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