Outing of the Heart (59 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
Tenille continued to look at the closed doors. âThere's a flight early Friday evening. We're booked for a midnight show at the âCoconut Grove'.'
Sidonie wanted to respond, but the doors opened and two people stepped in, lively in their conversation. She held her tongue 'til they were out in the car park, the darkness of the night and freshness of the breeze giving her license to expand.
âYou know I'll miss you,' she took Tenille's hand, but then they moved into a circle of light from the lamp and she dropped it.
âI'll miss you too,' Tenille added hastily. âAfter all that has happened in the last little while, I wish, in one way, that I wasn't going.'
They reached the car and Tenille stopped. âYou've become very important to me. You do believe that, don't you?' She tried to discern Sidonie's expression, but now in the gloom between the pools of light, she was not able to see clearly. Sidonie took her hand again and she felt the pressure.
âI have hoped for it,' she replied huskily. Her heart pounding within her chest, was seemingly beating at twice its rate. The breath caught in her throat; hearing words at last, she had yearned for and so many times despaired of.
âBut on the other hand,' Tenille continued, âit is true, what I said in there. This is a wonderful opportunity for me â¦' she let her voice trail away. She had wanted to add: “
Not one she could pass up,”
but it sounded like she was being selfish. âYou do understand, don't you Sid?' She looked up and it was clear to see the appeal for some sort of reassurance. Sidonie took both her hands in hers.
âOf course I do, Babe. When you come back, we'll be together again. Like the words of the song.' She sighed. âIt will be a wonderful reunion,' she remarked, not quite able to hide the tremor in her voice. This time she couldn't help herself. She gathered Ten into her arms and released the desire which had lain, pent up inside, all evening. Her lips sought her love's, in a long, tender kiss of infinite promise, as she set her mouth over hers with open hunger.
Ten felt her own response quick and intense; more demanding, as a dense cloud of pleasure expanded inside her. She was less controlled than Sid, but Sid had to keep one foot on the brake, else they would both drown in their emotions. The time was not now. At last she set her gently down, relinquishing her hold on that sweet, red mouth.
âDarling, you're not a good influence on me or my self-control,' she whispered. âI've got to drive you home remember and for that I need a steady hand.'
She understood, had felt, through Sid's kiss, how she was inside; the raw, hard shakes through her trembling body and the knowledge had warmed her. Once seated in the car, she stayed Sid's hand on the ignition. As if in slow notion, Sid watched her take her hand off the key and draw it across towards her. The turn was awkward, but when their bodies came together, the melting was sublime. This time there was no breaking away and the heat of their kiss spread to the centre of their passions. Ten accepted Sid's invitation and sucked hungrily on her tongue moaning softly as Sid caressed her taut nipples, sending lightning bolts of pleasure to pierce deep inside. Sid let her hand stray to rest on the soft roundness of her belly. It excited her beyond belief, to feel the power of her touch on this woman. Girls had responded to her before, but Ten was the ultimate. Her passion fuelled her own desire in a way no other woman ever had. She longed now to feel her touch on her, as intimate as possible; to let go of her self-control ⦠and yes, give herself totally, as she had never done before; not holding anything back against that day of possible betrayal and hurt. She was prepared to give all to this beautiful woman. Her wonderful Tenille. At last her dreams had been fulfilled and the Great Goddess had answered her most fervent prayer.
As she drew up outside #226, Tenille asked if she would like to come in for a coffee or cold drink.
âMuch as I want to be with you, I can't stay. If I go in,' she explained, âyou know it will make it that much harder on us.'
âYes, you're right, but I don't want us to part here,' she complained. âI won't be seeing you for two weeks, possibly three.' Sid wanted to point out that that was not her fault, but curbed her sudden rise of impatience. âI know Ten. But there's nothing we can do about this now.'
Ten, clinging onto Sid's hand, turned it palm upward and brought it to her cheek. She kissed it and held it to her once more. In this moment, her heart so full, the words were wrenched from her in an anguished cry. âI love you.' She heard her voice, stifled, unnatural. She dropped her head to Sid's shoulder and closed her eyes. So much of their relationship seemed to take place in the car and here she was, yet again, this time declaring her love.
Sid thought her cup would surely run over. She couldn't bring words to her lips. She simply encircled Ten in her embrace and held her close. Her own feelings threatened to swamp her, but later she would relive this moment and savor it to the full. For now she was content just to be close with this woman. She represented all the world to her and she would do anything ⦠provide for her happiness; protect her from all ills.
âTenille,' she murmured, her voice rough with emotion; âYou've given me the best parting gift possible. To be separated from you now will be easier to bear.' A deep breath helped clear the huskiness from her throat as she pulled her even closer. âI was hating the prospect before and, I'll admit it, I was beginning to hate Raoul, but perhaps there is a purpose to these events.' Her heart swelled with overflowing love as she reached out to her face and gently turned it towards her. Peering deeply into those dark eyes, anxiously holding hers, the silken lashes lying like soft shadows on her delicate cheeks, she had been deeply stirred. She said sincerely, her voice a caress: âWithout this, you may not have told of your love ⦠and now I am free to say to you, I think I fell in love with you the moment I first saw you.'
Ten was totally focused on each word, dazzled by the revelation. In a ragged voice, words coming abruptly, Sid unburdened herself. âEvery encounter since, has confirmed my feelings and made the love grow stronger. Even in the beginning, I felt we were right for each other. Everything about you enslaves me.' Bright tears burned her eyes as she delivered little kisses to the vermilion lips.
âSid. Sid, my darling. I have felt your love, but I was too unsure of the meaning of a relationship with a woman. I was unable to come to terms with
my
feelings. It's taken a long time to sort them out.' She turned her head away. âYou're right. The prospect of this separation has acted as a catalyst, allowing me to focus my thoughts and feelings to a clarity I can recognize. I can see them for what they are.
âSid â¦' she turned back to look at the girl, eyes burning with a brilliance so intense they grew enormous. âI do believe what I feel for you is more than transitory infatuation. What I feel for you is sincere. When we're apart, I long to be with you ⦠and when I am with you, I know it's the right place for me.' She rested her head again, but their bodies were beginning to suffer from cramped quarters. They shifted slightly.
âI should go in; Mrs. Sandrelli, she notices everything.' The look in her eyes reached out.
She knew Ten wanted her to take responsibility for their separation. She detached her arms from her, saying gruffly: âI'll walk you to your door.' Outside she took her hand as they proceeded up the path under a star dusted sky. At the steps she stopped.
âThis is the point of no return,' she stated dramatically. âAlthough you'll be away, you'll be in my thoughts, constantly.' She dropped her hand and reached into the back pocket of her shorts, drawing out a scrap of paper, which she handed over. âHere's my address, should you have time to write.' Ten didn't look, too choked to do more than clutch the paper, once given.
âIt's got matron's phone number too,' she added, watching the stricken expression taking hold of the face before her. She tried to give reassurance. âIt'll be OK. Right now we feel it's all too much to handle, but you know, we
will
get through this. In a way, it could be good for us. Help us to back off a little; gain a more realistic perspective.'
âWhat are you saying?' she stepped away. âWhy do you feel the need to back off?' looking even more distressed, as fear slipped along her spine on feet of ice.
âNo, don't get me wrong, Babe. I'm just trying to rationalize the situation so you can go do your thing, feeling everything is OK between us, that we understand each other,' she interpreted hastily.
âOh, I see,' sustained by Sid's concerned strength.
She pulled Ten gently to her. They stood still like this, in the dark shadow of the big house, no movement between them, only the intense awareness of each other's presence and the acute realization of how soon they would be apart. She drew back. âGo in now. I'll be here on your return.'
Ten reached for keys, the tears glistening in her eyes sparkling like jewels, caught in the shafts of moonlight escaping between the branches. At this moment, with adoration in her eyes, Sid felt she would love this woman 'til her dying day. There could be no one else for her. Never had she been so moved. Everything about her spoke to her very soul. She embodied all the qualities. Qualities she had not thought to seek, but now appreciated. Never had she dreamed she would find these attributes wrapped in the one package. Was it too good to be true? Perhaps one day there would be a stark revelation to kill her joy, but she wouldn't let herself go there.
Once more she brought Ten's body close to hers, loathe to let her go. âI'll miss you so much,' she whispered, the words sounding inadequate. Ten clung to her, incapable of separating from this girl. Remorsefully, she wondered if she should be so selfish. It had seemed such an incredible opportunity at first proposal. She looked again at this dear face, the love easily visible in the moon's pale beams.
âOh, Sid. I'll miss
you
dreadfully.' A little sob. âI know I'll have a busy time, my days filled with activity and people, but all the while, deep in my heart, I will be longing to be back with you.' She dashed away a tear. âIt will be wonderful when we're together again.' She wanted to add:
“And
w
e can make plans,”
but felt constrained, yet unsure of the nature of the restriction. Perhaps feeling Sid wasn't ready for what she had in mind, despite her protestations?
âGo now,' Sid repeated. âI'll be counting the days.' She released her and turned away, not allowing the effort it cost to show. She walked to the driver's side of the car, feeling hollow inside and turned just once, to look back. Ten stood where she had left her, staring, the expression no longer fathomable from this distance. She climbed aboard and started the motor knowing, in her heart, how deep and terrifying was the love she had for this woman.
Ten's thoughts, as she stood so still, reluctant to break the spell, were following Sid, plunging after her, deep into the shadowy places of the night.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
The women at work couldn't understand Tenille. This was her last day in Toronto. She would be leaving on her trip tomorrow. What a fantastic experience. Even being paid for. Yet she didn't look the least happy.
âAre you okay?' Alana inquired, always the most motherly.
âYes, of course. Why do you ask?' Tenille puzzled.
âWell ⦠you fly out tomorrow evening and anyone would think you were going to a funeral. I wondered if you'd had some bad news.'
âNo, it's all right. I'm just over tired I think. A bit stressed out too.' She smiled at Alana, as if to prove the truth of her words, but it lacked conviction.
She'd not been able to sleep last night. When she had finally gotten to bed, although her body had been tired, her mind would not switch off. Thoughts had continued to whirl around like pony rides at the fair. Round and round, up and down. They had given her no peace. Sid-on-ie. Sid-on-ie. She had pictured her at the gym: on the diamond: in the car: when she had taken her out that very first time: talking to Reine and Thea.
Sidonie. How was she going to manage without her? Was she cut out to be a dancer? It would mean more travelling â out of the city, possibly out of Province. Would she prefer to be settled? Give up dreams of stardom? She smiled to herself at this.
“Let's not get too carried away
,
Ten,”
she remonstrated, prosaically.
She would have to come to terms with these questions. Before, she had thought she would do just as her mother had anticipated â marry â settle down â have kids. Now this scenario looked most unlikely and, without the expected outcome, what did lie ahead for Tenille Fenech? Last night she had seen clearly she would have to make some decisions about her life. Perhaps this was a pivotal point in her maturation. All her life she had gone with the flow, not really analysing or giving critical weight to the proposals of others. Now she had reached a particular standing; what she did, what she thought, what she considered, was truly a reflection of her own consciousness. Was this one of the aspects of rejecting society's view of what was âthe norm' and stepping outside the box? In her struggle to find direction, she wondered if lesbianism had more to it, in fact, than just loving another woman? Could it mean a different way of viewing the world, with its long established ethos?
A window opened slightly. Enlightening awareness peeped out. Before, she had not made value judgements from any other perspective than that of her parents' middle class ethics. Judgements which simply endorsed those of the establishment. Well, from now on she would do her own thinking ⦠Sidonie was her secret life. At last she had lost her innocence. She had been asleep. Now she was awake.
Sidonie wanted to respond, but the doors opened and two people stepped in, lively in their conversation. She held her tongue 'til they were out in the car park, the darkness of the night and freshness of the breeze giving her license to expand.
âYou know I'll miss you,' she took Tenille's hand, but then they moved into a circle of light from the lamp and she dropped it.
âI'll miss you too,' Tenille added hastily. âAfter all that has happened in the last little while, I wish, in one way, that I wasn't going.'
They reached the car and Tenille stopped. âYou've become very important to me. You do believe that, don't you?' She tried to discern Sidonie's expression, but now in the gloom between the pools of light, she was not able to see clearly. Sidonie took her hand again and she felt the pressure.
âI have hoped for it,' she replied huskily. Her heart pounding within her chest, was seemingly beating at twice its rate. The breath caught in her throat; hearing words at last, she had yearned for and so many times despaired of.
âBut on the other hand,' Tenille continued, âit is true, what I said in there. This is a wonderful opportunity for me â¦' she let her voice trail away. She had wanted to add: “
Not one she could pass up,”
but it sounded like she was being selfish. âYou do understand, don't you Sid?' She looked up and it was clear to see the appeal for some sort of reassurance. Sidonie took both her hands in hers.
âOf course I do, Babe. When you come back, we'll be together again. Like the words of the song.' She sighed. âIt will be a wonderful reunion,' she remarked, not quite able to hide the tremor in her voice. This time she couldn't help herself. She gathered Ten into her arms and released the desire which had lain, pent up inside, all evening. Her lips sought her love's, in a long, tender kiss of infinite promise, as she set her mouth over hers with open hunger.
Ten felt her own response quick and intense; more demanding, as a dense cloud of pleasure expanded inside her. She was less controlled than Sid, but Sid had to keep one foot on the brake, else they would both drown in their emotions. The time was not now. At last she set her gently down, relinquishing her hold on that sweet, red mouth.
âDarling, you're not a good influence on me or my self-control,' she whispered. âI've got to drive you home remember and for that I need a steady hand.'
She understood, had felt, through Sid's kiss, how she was inside; the raw, hard shakes through her trembling body and the knowledge had warmed her. Once seated in the car, she stayed Sid's hand on the ignition. As if in slow notion, Sid watched her take her hand off the key and draw it across towards her. The turn was awkward, but when their bodies came together, the melting was sublime. This time there was no breaking away and the heat of their kiss spread to the centre of their passions. Ten accepted Sid's invitation and sucked hungrily on her tongue moaning softly as Sid caressed her taut nipples, sending lightning bolts of pleasure to pierce deep inside. Sid let her hand stray to rest on the soft roundness of her belly. It excited her beyond belief, to feel the power of her touch on this woman. Girls had responded to her before, but Ten was the ultimate. Her passion fuelled her own desire in a way no other woman ever had. She longed now to feel her touch on her, as intimate as possible; to let go of her self-control ⦠and yes, give herself totally, as she had never done before; not holding anything back against that day of possible betrayal and hurt. She was prepared to give all to this beautiful woman. Her wonderful Tenille. At last her dreams had been fulfilled and the Great Goddess had answered her most fervent prayer.
As she drew up outside #226, Tenille asked if she would like to come in for a coffee or cold drink.
âMuch as I want to be with you, I can't stay. If I go in,' she explained, âyou know it will make it that much harder on us.'
âYes, you're right, but I don't want us to part here,' she complained. âI won't be seeing you for two weeks, possibly three.' Sid wanted to point out that that was not her fault, but curbed her sudden rise of impatience. âI know Ten. But there's nothing we can do about this now.'
Ten, clinging onto Sid's hand, turned it palm upward and brought it to her cheek. She kissed it and held it to her once more. In this moment, her heart so full, the words were wrenched from her in an anguished cry. âI love you.' She heard her voice, stifled, unnatural. She dropped her head to Sid's shoulder and closed her eyes. So much of their relationship seemed to take place in the car and here she was, yet again, this time declaring her love.
Sid thought her cup would surely run over. She couldn't bring words to her lips. She simply encircled Ten in her embrace and held her close. Her own feelings threatened to swamp her, but later she would relive this moment and savor it to the full. For now she was content just to be close with this woman. She represented all the world to her and she would do anything ⦠provide for her happiness; protect her from all ills.
âTenille,' she murmured, her voice rough with emotion; âYou've given me the best parting gift possible. To be separated from you now will be easier to bear.' A deep breath helped clear the huskiness from her throat as she pulled her even closer. âI was hating the prospect before and, I'll admit it, I was beginning to hate Raoul, but perhaps there is a purpose to these events.' Her heart swelled with overflowing love as she reached out to her face and gently turned it towards her. Peering deeply into those dark eyes, anxiously holding hers, the silken lashes lying like soft shadows on her delicate cheeks, she had been deeply stirred. She said sincerely, her voice a caress: âWithout this, you may not have told of your love ⦠and now I am free to say to you, I think I fell in love with you the moment I first saw you.'
Ten was totally focused on each word, dazzled by the revelation. In a ragged voice, words coming abruptly, Sid unburdened herself. âEvery encounter since, has confirmed my feelings and made the love grow stronger. Even in the beginning, I felt we were right for each other. Everything about you enslaves me.' Bright tears burned her eyes as she delivered little kisses to the vermilion lips.
âSid. Sid, my darling. I have felt your love, but I was too unsure of the meaning of a relationship with a woman. I was unable to come to terms with
my
feelings. It's taken a long time to sort them out.' She turned her head away. âYou're right. The prospect of this separation has acted as a catalyst, allowing me to focus my thoughts and feelings to a clarity I can recognize. I can see them for what they are.
âSid â¦' she turned back to look at the girl, eyes burning with a brilliance so intense they grew enormous. âI do believe what I feel for you is more than transitory infatuation. What I feel for you is sincere. When we're apart, I long to be with you ⦠and when I am with you, I know it's the right place for me.' She rested her head again, but their bodies were beginning to suffer from cramped quarters. They shifted slightly.
âI should go in; Mrs. Sandrelli, she notices everything.' The look in her eyes reached out.
She knew Ten wanted her to take responsibility for their separation. She detached her arms from her, saying gruffly: âI'll walk you to your door.' Outside she took her hand as they proceeded up the path under a star dusted sky. At the steps she stopped.
âThis is the point of no return,' she stated dramatically. âAlthough you'll be away, you'll be in my thoughts, constantly.' She dropped her hand and reached into the back pocket of her shorts, drawing out a scrap of paper, which she handed over. âHere's my address, should you have time to write.' Ten didn't look, too choked to do more than clutch the paper, once given.
âIt's got matron's phone number too,' she added, watching the stricken expression taking hold of the face before her. She tried to give reassurance. âIt'll be OK. Right now we feel it's all too much to handle, but you know, we
will
get through this. In a way, it could be good for us. Help us to back off a little; gain a more realistic perspective.'
âWhat are you saying?' she stepped away. âWhy do you feel the need to back off?' looking even more distressed, as fear slipped along her spine on feet of ice.
âNo, don't get me wrong, Babe. I'm just trying to rationalize the situation so you can go do your thing, feeling everything is OK between us, that we understand each other,' she interpreted hastily.
âOh, I see,' sustained by Sid's concerned strength.
She pulled Ten gently to her. They stood still like this, in the dark shadow of the big house, no movement between them, only the intense awareness of each other's presence and the acute realization of how soon they would be apart. She drew back. âGo in now. I'll be here on your return.'
Ten reached for keys, the tears glistening in her eyes sparkling like jewels, caught in the shafts of moonlight escaping between the branches. At this moment, with adoration in her eyes, Sid felt she would love this woman 'til her dying day. There could be no one else for her. Never had she been so moved. Everything about her spoke to her very soul. She embodied all the qualities. Qualities she had not thought to seek, but now appreciated. Never had she dreamed she would find these attributes wrapped in the one package. Was it too good to be true? Perhaps one day there would be a stark revelation to kill her joy, but she wouldn't let herself go there.
Once more she brought Ten's body close to hers, loathe to let her go. âI'll miss you so much,' she whispered, the words sounding inadequate. Ten clung to her, incapable of separating from this girl. Remorsefully, she wondered if she should be so selfish. It had seemed such an incredible opportunity at first proposal. She looked again at this dear face, the love easily visible in the moon's pale beams.
âOh, Sid. I'll miss
you
dreadfully.' A little sob. âI know I'll have a busy time, my days filled with activity and people, but all the while, deep in my heart, I will be longing to be back with you.' She dashed away a tear. âIt will be wonderful when we're together again.' She wanted to add:
“And
w
e can make plans,”
but felt constrained, yet unsure of the nature of the restriction. Perhaps feeling Sid wasn't ready for what she had in mind, despite her protestations?
âGo now,' Sid repeated. âI'll be counting the days.' She released her and turned away, not allowing the effort it cost to show. She walked to the driver's side of the car, feeling hollow inside and turned just once, to look back. Ten stood where she had left her, staring, the expression no longer fathomable from this distance. She climbed aboard and started the motor knowing, in her heart, how deep and terrifying was the love she had for this woman.
Ten's thoughts, as she stood so still, reluctant to break the spell, were following Sid, plunging after her, deep into the shadowy places of the night.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
The women at work couldn't understand Tenille. This was her last day in Toronto. She would be leaving on her trip tomorrow. What a fantastic experience. Even being paid for. Yet she didn't look the least happy.
âAre you okay?' Alana inquired, always the most motherly.
âYes, of course. Why do you ask?' Tenille puzzled.
âWell ⦠you fly out tomorrow evening and anyone would think you were going to a funeral. I wondered if you'd had some bad news.'
âNo, it's all right. I'm just over tired I think. A bit stressed out too.' She smiled at Alana, as if to prove the truth of her words, but it lacked conviction.
She'd not been able to sleep last night. When she had finally gotten to bed, although her body had been tired, her mind would not switch off. Thoughts had continued to whirl around like pony rides at the fair. Round and round, up and down. They had given her no peace. Sid-on-ie. Sid-on-ie. She had pictured her at the gym: on the diamond: in the car: when she had taken her out that very first time: talking to Reine and Thea.
Sidonie. How was she going to manage without her? Was she cut out to be a dancer? It would mean more travelling â out of the city, possibly out of Province. Would she prefer to be settled? Give up dreams of stardom? She smiled to herself at this.
“Let's not get too carried away
,
Ten,”
she remonstrated, prosaically.
She would have to come to terms with these questions. Before, she had thought she would do just as her mother had anticipated â marry â settle down â have kids. Now this scenario looked most unlikely and, without the expected outcome, what did lie ahead for Tenille Fenech? Last night she had seen clearly she would have to make some decisions about her life. Perhaps this was a pivotal point in her maturation. All her life she had gone with the flow, not really analysing or giving critical weight to the proposals of others. Now she had reached a particular standing; what she did, what she thought, what she considered, was truly a reflection of her own consciousness. Was this one of the aspects of rejecting society's view of what was âthe norm' and stepping outside the box? In her struggle to find direction, she wondered if lesbianism had more to it, in fact, than just loving another woman? Could it mean a different way of viewing the world, with its long established ethos?
A window opened slightly. Enlightening awareness peeped out. Before, she had not made value judgements from any other perspective than that of her parents' middle class ethics. Judgements which simply endorsed those of the establishment. Well, from now on she would do her own thinking ⦠Sidonie was her secret life. At last she had lost her innocence. She had been asleep. Now she was awake.
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