Outlander (60 page)

It was a clear night, and the moonlight fell in floods through the tall casements. I could not fall asleep myself, and I thought perhaps it was the light also that kept Jamie awake; he lay quite still, but I could tell by his breathing that he was not asleep. He turned onto his back, and I heard him chuckle softly under his breath.

"What's funny?" I asked quietly.

He turned his head toward me. "Oh, did I wake ye, Sassenach? I'm sorry. I was only remembering about things."

"I wasn't asleep." I scooted closer. The bed had obviously been made for the days when a whole family slept together on one mattress; the gigantic feather-bed must have consumed the entire productivity of hundreds of geese, and navigating through the drifts was like crossing the Alps without a compass. "What were you remembering?" I asked, once I had safely reached his side.

"Oh, about my father, mostly. Things he said."

He folded his arms behind his head, staring musingly at the thick beams that crossed the low ceiling. "It's strange," he said, "when he was alive, I didna pay him much heed. But once he was dead, the things he'd told me had a good deal more influence." He chuckled briefly again. "What I was thinking about was the last time he thrashed me."

"Funny, was it?" I said. "Anyone ever told you that you have a very peculiar sense of humor, Jamie?" I fumbled through the quilts for his hand, then gave up and pushed them back. He began to stroke my back, and I snuggled next to him, making small noises of pleasure.

"Didn't your uncle beat you, then, when you needed it?" he asked curiously. I smothered a laugh at the thought.

"Lord, no! He would have been horrified at the thought. Uncle Lamb didn't believe in beating children—he thought they should be reasoned with, like adults." Jamie made a Scottish noise in his throat, indicating derision at this ludicrous idea.

"That accounts for the defects in your character, no doubt," he said, patting my bottom. "Insufficient discipline in your youth."

"What defects in my character?" I demanded. The moonlight was bright enough for me to see his grin.

"Ye want me to list them all?"

"No." I dug an elbow into his ribs. "Tell me about your father. How old were you then?" I asked.

"Oh, thirteen—fourteen maybe. Tall and skinny, with spots. I canna remember why I was being thrashed; at that point, it was more often something I'd said than something I'd done. All I remember is we were both of us boiling mad about it. That was one of the times he enjoyed beating me." He pulled me to him and settled me closer against his shoulder, his arm around me. I stroked his flat belly, toying with his navel.

"Stop that, it tickles. D'ye want to hear, or no?"

"Oh, I want to hear. What are we going to do if we ever have children—reason with them, or beat them?" My heart raced a little at the thought, though there was no sign that this would ever be more than an academic question. His hand trapped mine, holding it still over his belly.

"That's simple. You reason with them, and when you're through, I'll take them out and thrash them."

"I thought you
liked
children."

"I do. My father liked
me
, when I wasna being an idiot. And he loved me, too—enough to beat the daylights out of me when I
was
being an idiot."

I flopped onto my stomach. "All right, then. Tell me about it."

Jamie sat up and wadded the pillows more comfortably before lying back down, folded arms behind his head again.

"Well, he sent me up to the fence, as usual—he always made me go up first, so I could experience the proper mixture of terror and remorse while I waited for him, he said—but he was so angry, he was right behind me. I was bent over and taking it, then, gritting my teeth and determined I'd make no noise about it—damned if I'd let him know how much it hurt. I was digging my fingers into the wood of the fence rail as hard as I could—hard enough to leave splinters behind—and I could feel my face turnin' red from holding my breath." He drew a deep breath, as though making up for it, and let it out slowly.

"Usually I'd know when it was going to be over, but this time he didn't stop. It was all I could do to keep my mouth shut; I was grunting wi' each stroke and I could feel the tears starting, no matter how much I blinked, but I held on for dear life." He was uncovered to the waist, almost glowing in the moonlight, frosted with tiny silver hairs. I could see the pulse beat just below his breastbone, a steady throb just under my hand.

"I don't know how long it went on," he continued. "Not that long, likely, but it seemed like a long time to me. At last he stopped a moment and shouted at me. He was beside himself wi' fury, and I was so furious myself I could barely make out what he said at first, but then I could.

"He roared 'Damn you, Jamie! Can ye no cry out? You're grown now, and I dinna mean to beat you ever again, but I want one good yelp out of ye, lad, before I quit, just so I'll think I've made some impression on ye at last!'  " Jamie laughed, disturbing the even movement of his pulsebeat.

"I was so upset at that, I straightened up and whirled round and yelled at him, 'Weel, why did ye no say so in the first place, ye auld fool! OUCH!!'

"Next thing I knew I was on the ground, wi' my ears ringing and a pain in my jaw, where he'd clouted me. He was standing over me, panting, and wi' his hair and his beard all on end. He reached down and got my hand and hauled me up.

"Then he patted my jaw, and said, still breathing hard, 'That's for calling your father a fool. It may be true, but it's disrespectful. Come on, we'll wash for supper.' And he never struck me again. He still shouted at me, but I shouted back, and it was mostly man to man, after that."

He laughed comfortably, and I smiled into the warmth of his shoulder.

"I wish I'd known your father," I said. "Or maybe it's better not," I said, struck by a thought. "He might not have liked you marrying an Englishwoman."

Jamie hugged me closer and pulled the quilts up over my bare shoulders. "He'd have thought I'd got some sense at last." He stroked my hair. "He'd have respected my choice, whoever it was, but you"—he turned his head and kissed my brow gently—"he would have liked you verra much, my Sassenach." And I recognized it for the accolade it was.

«
^
»

Whatever rift Jenny's revelations had caused between her and Ian, it seemed to have healed. We sat for a short time after dinner in the parlor next evening, Ian and Jamie talking over the farm's business in the corner, accompanied by a decanter of elderberry wine, while Jenny relaxed at last with her swollen ankles propped on a hassock. I tried to write down some of the receipts she had tossed over her shoulder at me as we whizzed through the day's work, consulting her for details as I scribbled.

To treat carbuncles
, I headed one sheet.

Three iron nails, to be soaked for one week in sour ale. Add one handful of cedarwood shavings, allow to set. When shavings have sunk to the bottom, mixture is ready. Apply three times daily, beginning on the first day of a quarter moon.

beeswax candles
began another sheet.

Drain honey from the comb. Remove dead bees, so far as possible. Melt comb with a small amount of water in a large cauldron. Skim bees, wings, and other impurities from surface of water. Drain water, replace. Stir frequently for half an hour, then allow to settle. Drain water, keep for use in sweetening. Purify with water twice more.

My hand was getting tired, and I had not even gotten to the making of candle molds, the twisting of wicks, and the hanging of candles to dry.

"Jenny," I called, "how long does it take to make candles, counting everything?"

She laid the small shirt she was stitching in her lap, considering.

"Half a day to gather the combs, two to drain the honey—one if it's hot—one day to purify the wax, unless there's a lot or it's verra dirty—then two. Half a day to make the wicks, one or two to make the molds, half a day to melt the wax, pour the molds and hang them to dry. Say a week altogether."

The dim lamplight and the sputtering quill were too much to contend with after the day's labors. I sat down next to Jenny and admired the tiny garment she was embroidering with nearly invisible stitches.

Her rounded stomach suddenly heaved, as the inhabitant shifted position. I watched, fascinated. I had never been close to someone pregnant for a prolonged period, and hadn't realized the amount of activity that went on inside.

"Would you like to feel it?" Jenny offered, seeing me staring at her middle.

"Well…" She took my hand and placed it firmly on her mound.

"Right there. Just wait a moment; he'll kick again soon. They don't like ye lying back like this, ye know. It makes them restless and they start to squirm."

Sure enough, a surprisingly vigorous push raised my hand by several inches.

"Goodness! He's strong!" I exclaimed.

"Aye." Jenny patted her stomach with a touch of pride. "He'll be bonny, like his brother and his da." She smiled across at Ian, whose attention had momentarily wandered from the breeding records of horses to his wife and child-to-be.

"Or even like his good-for-nothing red-heided uncle," she added, raising her voice slightly and nudging me.

"Hey?" Jamie looked up, distracted from his accounts. "Were ye speaking to me?"

"I wonder was it the 'red-heided' or the 'good-for-nothing' that caught his attention," Jenny said to me, sotto voce, with another nudge.

To Jamie she said sweetly, "Nothing at all,
mo cridh
. We were just speculating on the possibility that the new one would have the misfortune to resemble its uncle."

The uncle in question grinned and came across to sit on the hassock, Jenny amiably moving her feet, then replacing them in his lap.

"Rub them for me, Jamie," she begged. "You're better at it than Ian."

He obliged, and Jenny leaned back and closed her eyes in bliss. She dropped the tiny shirt on her central mound, which continued to heave as though in protest. Jamie stared entranced at the movements, just as I had.

"Isn't it uncomfortable?" he asked. "Havin' someone turn somersaults in your belly?"

Jenny opened her eyes and grimaced as a long swell arced across her stomach.

"Mmm. Sometimes I feel my liver's black and blue from bein' kicked. But mostly it's a good feeling, instead. It's like …" She hesitated, then grinned at her brother. "It's hard to describe to a man, you not having the proper parts. I don't suppose I could tell ye what carrying a child feels like, no more than you could tell me what it's like to be kicked in the ballocks."

"Oh, I could tell ye that." He promptly doubled up, clasping himself, and rolled his eyes back in his head with a hideous gurgling groan.

"Is that not right, Ian?" he asked, turning his head toward the stool where Ian sat laughing, wooden leg propped on the hearth.

His sister put a delicate foot on his chest and pushed him upright. "All right then, clown. In that case, I'm glad I havena got any."

Jamie straightened up and brushed the hair out of his eyes. "No, really," he said, interested, "is it just that the parts are different? Could you describe it to Claire? After all, she's a woman, though she's not borne a child yet."

Jenny eyed my midriff appraisingly, and I felt that small pang once more.

"Mmm, perhaps." She spoke slowly, thinking. "You feel as though your skin is verra thin all over. You feel everything that touches you, even the rubbing of your clothes, and not just on your belly, but over your legs and flanks and breasts." Her hands went to them unconsciously, curving the lawn under the swelling rounds. "They feel heavy and full… and they're verra sensitive just at the tips." The small, blunt thumbs slowly circled the breasts and I saw the nipples rise against the cloth.

"And of course you're big and you're clumsy," Jenny smiled ruefully, rubbing the spot on her hip where she had banged against the table earlier. "You take up more room than you're used to."

"Here, though"—her hands rose protectively to the top of her stomach—"that's where you feel things most, of course." She caressed the rounded bulge as though it were her child's skin she stroked, rather than her own. Ian's eyes followed her hands as they moved from top to bottom of the curving hillock, over and over, smoothing the fabric again and again.

"In the early days, it's a bit like belly-gas," she said, laughing. She poked a toe into her brother's midsection. "Just there—like little bubbles rippling through your belly. But then later, you feel the child move, and it's like a fish on your line and then gone—like a quick tug, but so soon past you're not sure you felt it." As though in protest at this description, her unseen companion heaved to and fro, making her stomach bulge on one side, then the other.

"I imagine you're sure, by this time," Jamie remarked, following the movement with fascination.

"Oh, aye." She placed a hand on one bulge, as though to quiet it. "They sleep, ye know, for hours at a time. Sometimes ye fear they've died, when there's no movement for a long time. Then you try to wake them"—her hand pushed in sharply at the side, and was rewarded immediately by a strong push in the opposite direction—"and you're happy when they kick again. But it's not just the babe itself. You feel swollen all over, near the end. Not painful… just so ripe you could burst. It's as though you need to be touched, verra lightly, all over." Jenny was no longer looking at me. Her eyes held her husband's, and I knew she was no longer aware of me or her brother. There was an air of intimacy between her and Ian, as though this were a story often told, but one of which they never tired.

Her voice was lower now, and her hands rose again to her breasts, heavy and compelling under the light bodice.

"And in the last month or so, the milk begins to come in. You feel yourself filling, just a wee bit at a time, a little each time the child moves. And then suddenly, everything comes up hard and round." She cupped her stomach again. "There's no pain, then, just a breathless feeling, and then your breasts tingle as though they'll explode if they're not suckled." She closed her eyes and leaned back, stroking her massive belly, over and over, with a rhythm like the invocation of a spell. It came to me, watching her, that if ever there were such a thing as a witch, then Janet Fraser was one.

The smoky air was filled with the trance over the room; the feeling that lies at the root of lust, the terrible yearning need to join, and create. I could have counted every hair on Jamie's body without looking at him, and knew each one stood erect.

Jenny opened her eyes, dark in the shadows, and smiled at her husband, a slow, rich curve of infinite promise.

"And late in bearing, when the child moves a lot, sometimes there's a feeling like when you've your man inside ye, when he comes to ye deep and pours himself into you. Then, then when that throbbing starts deep inside ye along with him, it's like that, but it's much bigger; it ripples all through the walls of your womb and fills all of you. The child's quiet then, and it's as though it's him you've taken inside you instead."

Suddenly she turned to me, and the spell was broken. "That's what they want sometimes, ye know," she said quietly, smiling into my eyes. "They want to come back."

Some time later, Jenny rose, floating toward the door with a glance back that pulled Ian after her like iron to true north. She paused near the door for him, looking back at ha brother, who sat still by the fire hearth.

"You'll see to the fire, Jamie?" She stretched, arching her back, and the curve of her spine echoed the strangely sinuous curve of her belly. Ian's knuckles pressed hard along the length of her back, and ground into the base of her spine, making her groan. And then they were gone.

I stretched too, arms upward, feeling the pleasant pull of tired muscles. Jamie's hands ran down my sides and rested on the swell of my hips. I leaned back into him, drawing his hands forward, imagining them cupping the gentle curve of an unborn child.

As I turned my head to kiss him, I noticed the small form curled in the corner of the settle.

"Look. They've forgotten small Jamie." The little boy customarily slept on a trundle in his parents' room. Tonight he had fallen asleep by the fire while we sat talking over the wine, but no one had remembered to carry him up to his bed. My own Jamie turned me to face him, smoothing my hair away from his nose.

"Jenny never forgets anything," he said. "I expect she and Ian do not care for company just now." His hands went to the fastening at the back of my skirt. "He'll do where he is for the present."

"But what if he wakes up?"

The roving hands came up under the now-loose edge of the bodice. Jamie cocked an eyebrow at the recumbent form his small nephew.

"Aye well. He'll have to learn his job sometime, won't he! Ye don't want him to be as ignorant as his uncle was." He tossed several cushions to the floor before the fire and lowered himself, carrying me with him.

The firelight gleamed on the silvery scars on his back, as though he were in fact the iron man I had once accused him of being, the metal core showing through rents in the fragile skin. I traced the lashmarks one by one, and he shivered under my touch.

"Do you think Jenny's right?" I asked later. "Do men really want to come back inside? Is that why you make love to us?" A breath of laughter stirred the hair by my ear.

"Well, it's no usually the first thing in my mind when I take ye to bed, Sassenach. Far from it. But then…" His hands cupped my breasts softly, and his lips closed on one nipple. "I'd no just say she was completely wrong either. Sometimes… aye, sometimes it would be good, to be inside again, safe and… one. Knowing we cannot, I suppose, is what makes us want to beget. If we cannot go back ourselves, the best we can do is to give that precious gift to our sons, at least for a little while…" He shook himself suddenly, like a dog flinging water from its coat.

"Pay me no mind, Sassenach," he murmured. "I get verra maudlin, drinking elderberry wine."