Outside In (4 page)

She was shocked, really, when she saw Jordan smiling her half-smile.

Jordan and Jack were co-owners of this conversation. They were an exclusive club of two, and three was definitely a crowd.

Lee had been so worried about Jordan. How she didn't talk, how she didn't seem to want to do anything.

Obviously, Jordan
had
been talking and doing.

With Jack.

Lee took a sip of her apple juice, trying not to care. The straw dropped from her mouth too quickly, and there was a splash on her school dress. She felt her face redden as she brushed the juice stain quickly with her fingers. But it wasn't like anyone noticed.

It was a relief when Meredith shoved her hand into Lee's packet of Twisties, laughing at her own greed, her mouth full to bursting. Lee took the cue. She offered around the Twisties, trying to burst the bubble that Jack and Jordan floated in together. Cecilia took a couple and moved away.

Finally Jordan looked away from Jack. She inspected the contents of Lee's Twistie packet and took the biggest one.

Stupidly, Lee held the packet out to Jack. And if she had ripped out her own heart and held it in her hands instead of a Twistie packet, it would have happened the same way. He would have shaken his head,
no, thanks
, and his eyes would have returned to Jordan, or onto some other beautiful girl that Lee wasn't.

It would never be her. Could never be her. It was never her with anyone, let alone a Jack. What had she let herself think?

Suddenly, other parts of the basketball game came back to Lee. The way Jack ran over to Jordan, checking to see if she was OK after the ball had hit her in the face. The ball was tucked securely under his arm like he was cross with it, was putting it in time out. Jordan denied that it hurt, though it would have. But Jordan could always get people to believe what she wanted them to believe.

Lee thought about the way Jordan just
was
, and how she somehow got what she wanted without seeming to try.

The way Jordan and Jack matched.

Jack had stayed near Jordan for ages. He'd hung around her until Sam shouted at him to put the ball into play.

There was no drizzle now. Just a bit of fog covering the ground like a low cloud. It was as if the day had turned into night at the wrong hour.

Lee stared as a basketball was tossed onto the court. She watched Jack follow the ball, glancing back at Jordan.

His broad shoulders, the spikes and flips of brown hair, his long legs, his blue eyes.

Ran away.

Mr Moulton walked around the tables, floating Macbeth essays in front of their owners. He was all sideburns and gelled hair and checked shirt, and he had a way of sitting on the students' tables that seemed a touch too intimate for Lee, a bit un-teacherly. His passion for the subject seemed a little untamed. But he was everybody's favourite teacher, and so he was Lee's too, she supposed.

He started at the back of the room. Lee heard him congratulating the new girl and turned around to look. The new girl always sat by herself. She was obviously smart, but she kept her head down even as Mr Moulton gave her the sign of two thumbs up. Which also wasn't very teacherly. Or maybe Lee was just uptight, maybe that was why…

Lee looked around her table as she waited for him to return her essay.

Meredith was tapping her fingers in tempo to a song Lee vaguely recognised.

‘Brilliant as usual, Mr M?' Meredith asked as he dropped her essay in front of her. She kept drumming her fingers on the pages, not missing a beat as Mr Moulton smiled his sideburns.

‘A little more effort, a little more brilliance, Moo,' he said.

Meredith flipped the page over to look at her mark. ‘B, bb, ba, ba, be ba.' She sang her result with clicking fingers and a head waggle. Funny Meredith.

Lee's eyes moved to Jordan resting her chin on her hands. She was slow to look at her mark, didn't really care. And why should she? Everything always turned out for Jordan in the end. A divorce? Well, never mind, here's a new, perfect boyfriend…

‘Jordan, you did pretty well. Imagine if you'd actually
read
the book,' Mr Moulton said.

‘Been very busy,' Jordan responded quietly, not lifting her head from her hand. He wasn't even cross with her. Lee could tell, because he just shook his head and raised his eyebrows as though he understood.

Why did Lee always feel like she was missing out on something? Everyone seemed to connect with Mr Moulton except for her.

Jordan glanced at her page. Lee could see a mass of red comments in the margin and a C in the top corner.

Lee waited. She watched Cecilia now, sitting upright with her lovely dancer's posture. Cecilia covered the red mark with her hand, like it was a bit embarrassing.

But Lee had already seen the unsurprising triangle of an A, and the crisscross of a +.

Lee followed the line of a curl with her finger, twirling and releasing, twirling and releasing.

‘Good try, Lee,' Mr Moulton said, putting Lee's essay in front of her. Looking down she saw a C+. That was what she had
tried
for.

She wanted to shrug it off, Jordan-esque. She wanted to be cool. It was so annoying that her eyelids fluttered up and down, blinking like a crazy person. It was so annoying that people would know how she felt, even when she desperately wanted to keep those feelings private. She was hopeless. She couldn't even get people to think she didn't care about an essay.

Lee felt a hand on her arm.

‘Lee, you're blinking out again.' It was so Meredith to point out the exact thing Lee most wanted to hide. All good intentions and a sting in the tail. ‘Don't worry about it. It's an OK mark. It's average.'

Lee lifted both sides of her mouth in an imitation smile that probably wouldn't convince anyone. Meredith was right. It was average.

Like everything else about her.

‘Jack and Jordy, Jordy and Jack,
Looks like they're gonna have a … heart attack,
With a love nest here and a love nest there,
Love just follows them everywhere!'

Meredith was in the corner of the school toilets, facing the wall. She was hugging her arms around her waist, swaying and reaching down to pinch her own bum as she sang. She was pretending to make out with herself.

Lee made sure her grin was adequate. She wondered whether the girls could see the indentation of skin under her lip, where she bit down on her fake smile. She hoped that Cecilia wouldn't look too closely at her eyes. Lee could make her mouth smile, but the eyes were harder. Lee noticed Cecilia's distracted smile and thought she might get away with it.

‘Geez, Moo,' Jordan said, rolling her lovely eyes like a Disney Princess. ‘Can't a girl have a friend who's a boy these days without you making up one of your stupid songs? Jack is not my boyfriend. You, my darling, are a complete tragedy. A sad, sad girl.'

‘Yeah, well maybe you're not
officially
together yet,' said Meredith, ‘but really you should get on with it cos otherwise poor old Lee is just gonna keep wondering whether
she'll
get a shot at the Delanty. Won't you, Lee? Lee?'

Lee couldn't remember how to breathe. Couldn't recall how to talk, or how to walk.

‘Meredith, stop it,' Cecilia said, in the gentle way she had of speaking. ‘Can't you see you're hurting Lee's feelings?'

Lee could feel Jordan's eyes swing over to her. But she wasn't all there for Jordan to see. Part of her was running out of the toilets, bawling, screaming. She could almost see Lee Number Two, the Drama Queen. Letting it out, unleashing all the pain. Screaming at Meredith's carelessness, yes, but more at Jordan's dark eyes.

Why you? You don't even have to try. And that's all I do. Everything just comes to you, falls at your feet. A thousand gifts for the Disney Princess, just for being. Jack looks at you and he's blinded. He doesn't even see me.

And just the act of thinking it made her break out in a sweat. She had to call Lee Number Two back into the toilets. Of course, neither Lee would say anything.

Little Miss Average would never make such a scene.

‘Lee, Meredith didn't mean it,' Cecilia said kindly. ‘Are you OK?'

‘Yeah,' she said, her voice nearly normal. ‘It's no big deal. I'm not
that
into him. Not really.'

‘See?' Meredith said. ‘She just needed to know the truth is all. Now she can find someone else to like, right? There's plenty of other fish in the pond and all that.'

‘You mean, in the sea,' Cecilia said.

‘Yep, there's even
more
in there,' Meredith grinned.

Jordan hadn't said a word, and had just slipped out. That was another thing that Jordan just did. Lee didn't even look at her as she left. It was too dangerous.

Lee walked over to the wash basin. She pulled out some paper towels and wiped her forehead. The girl in the mirror stared back at her, mockingly. The frizzy blonde hair. The boring blue eyes. The pale skin that burned after ten minutes in the sun.

She was so, so ordinary.

Suddenly, Cecilia's head popped over her shoulders. Lee knew that Cec had to be on tippy toes to make herself that tall.

‘Are you sure you're OK?' she asked, but Lee could tell that Cec had something else on her mind.

Lee nodded.

‘So you're all still coming to my recital tonight?' Cecilia asked. ‘I got you all tickets, but if you can't make it that's OK. But if you can, you need to be there by 7.15 p.m., and if you're late they won't let you in, because they don't let you in once the performance is going …'

Lee let Cecilia's words wash over her. No wonder Cec had been so distracted lately. It was typical Cec before a performance. She would stress out completely. Then she would be the best, most perfect thing on stage. She was so lucky, Cec, to be that talented. Her stress would turn into adrenaline tonight. It would pump through her, and make her exceptional.

‘And if you get there at 7.16 p.m., the world will explode, and there will be a giant earthquake and the stars will fail to come out and we will all die a
truly
violent and horrible death.' Meredith's mirror face was contorted. Her eyes were crossed and her mouth was in a cat's-bum. Lee knew she could hold that look for ages. Nutso Meredith, who could make Lee laugh even now, even after what she'd said. Even though she knew the tears were ready and waiting.

Her friends were so … themselves. It was like they'd sorted out who they were. While she was just … nothing-ish. Just a blob of Lee.

‘Of course we're coming,' Lee's voice said clearly. ‘You'll be great, Cec. You always are.'

Lee stayed behind after the bell rang. She sat in a cubicle. Toilet paper for tears.

She saw the Adidas hightops first, and recognised them straight away. They belonged to Jordan, who got away with them while everyone else had to wear school shoes.

‘Lee, is that you? I've been waiting for you at the lockers. Are you all right?'