Read Outside the Dog Museum Online
Authors: Jonathan Carroll
Outside the Dog Museum (20 page)
“Then what happens to suicides?”
“It’s like the kid who’s called out of class to go to the principal’s office: You think you know the reason why he got called, but you’re wrong.”
This conversation crossed my mind as I lifted the dog’s body into the back of the car.
“Wait a minute.” I turned. Hassan and the bodyguard were a few feet behind me. “I think he should be buried here. Would that be all right? This is where the museum was going to be?”
The two men exchanged a look and the Prince nodded. “It would
be a great honor if you were to lay him here, Radcliffe. I know my father would have appreciated that very much.”
be a great honor if you were to lay him here, Radcliffe. I know my father would have appreciated that very much.”
“All right. I think it’s a good place. He has all this space to sniff around and explore.”
There was an army spade in the car. The Prince took it and walked back up the hill to the high pile of stones. The bedouin tents were still there, the only dark marks on a reddish horizon. There was no time out here. Clocks had no place any more than this castle that had once been used for hunting. Big Top’s skin and bones would fade back into this soil. For a while they’d be like the black tents out there—noticeable but then one day gone.
“Where would you like to lay him?” Hassan’s voice was sympathetic and much quieter.
“I don’t know. A place with a good view. Big Top liked to keep an eye on things, even when he was lying down.”
“May I make a suggestion? Please let me show you.”
We walked around the ruins to the other side. The world from there was one silent enormous desert flowing out in uncomplicated lines and empty space to more of the same. It made me feel sad and insignificant. “Must be cold out here at night, nothing but stars to keep you warm.”
“The place I wanted to show you is right over here.” Hassan beckoned. We climbed over stones until coming to a small cleared space out on the edge of the hill.
“This is it—”
“This is—”
We looked at each other, Hassan with eyebrows raised. “You know this place?” he asked, unsurprised.
“Yes I know this place. But how?”
His eyes went to the dog’s body in my arms. “A verz brings you where it wants to be buried.”
IT WAS NOT SURPRISING
that in whatever last testament he’d written, the Sultan of Saru requested a very simple, quick burial. According to ritual, his son and two other intimates washed his body, then wrapped it in a rough white sheet and with little more ceremony than that, put it in the earth. I was one of the few people at graveside when they lowered him and although I rarely cry, I was crying that day along with the others. I was a newcomer to this man’s goodness and intelligence, but besides the sadness of loss, it is both terribly frustrating and bitter to discover another’s true worth only after they are gone. Like a treasure you’ve held but unknowingly let slip through your fingers.
that in whatever last testament he’d written, the Sultan of Saru requested a very simple, quick burial. According to ritual, his son and two other intimates washed his body, then wrapped it in a rough white sheet and with little more ceremony than that, put it in the earth. I was one of the few people at graveside when they lowered him and although I rarely cry, I was crying that day along with the others. I was a newcomer to this man’s goodness and intelligence, but besides the sadness of loss, it is both terribly frustrating and bitter to discover another’s true worth only after they are gone. Like a treasure you’ve held but unknowingly let slip through your fingers.
However, it would be dishonest to say my tears that day were only for the dead. Lately life had been like a “Wild Mouse” ride at an amusement park; whipped from one extreme to the other, there’d barely been enough time to gulp a quick breath before the next dip, twist, or flip had me loop-de-looped or upside down, trying to figure out where I was and how to see things from these constantly new perspectives. Certainly I cried for the Sultan and Big Top, not least for the loss of their love and rightness, but also because I felt guilty, afraid, even excited. Two good and genuinely magical beings had died, one while saving my life. With little of their goodness and none of the magic, how was I to protect myself from the same world that had killed them? Throwing the first shovelful of desert earth back into Big Top’s grave, then seeing the Sultan in
his,
was so awful yet galvanizing, that I could feel my spirit’s temperature change almost by the hour.
his,
was so awful yet galvanizing, that I could feel my spirit’s temperature change almost by the hour.
AFTER HIS FATHER’S FUNERAL
, the new Sultan of Saru and I stood alone in the vast parking lot of the royal compound. It was large enough to hold a rodeo. Although many cars were parked around us,
Hassan and I were the only people there. Others were inside the residence paying respects to the family. Until now, soldiers and bodyguards had been everywhere but for the moment none were in sight.
, the new Sultan of Saru and I stood alone in the vast parking lot of the royal compound. It was large enough to hold a rodeo. Although many cars were parked around us,
Hassan and I were the only people there. Others were inside the residence paying respects to the family. Until now, soldiers and bodyguards had been everywhere but for the moment none were in sight.
Not looking at me, Hassan barked out a fake, offensive laugh. “I thought you
liked
my father! You were going to build this for him, you said. But now the real truth climbs out from under the Radcliffe rock, huh? I know how ‘famous’ you are, but really, do you believe anyone deserves so much money just for designing one goddamned building?”
liked
my father! You were going to build this for him, you said. But now the real truth climbs out from under the Radcliffe rock, huh? I know how ‘famous’ you are, but really, do you believe anyone deserves so much money just for designing one goddamned building?”
I licked my lips and balled both fists in my pockets. “Why don’t you get your facts straight before you sound so naive?
All
architects receive a percentage of a building’s costs, Your
High
ness. I’ve done no work yet, but’ve already said I’ll take fifty percent off my usual fee. Check around and you’ll discover that that kind of discount is never,
ever
done. Particularly by someone as famous as me. I liked your father but I don’t like you. That fifty percent reduction is for
him.
Whatever work I do on this project is for him, his memory. I don’t give a damn about you and I don’t give a damn about Saru. I think your father would’ve been offended if I did this for less. You want me to do it free? I don’t believe in that. The only things you get for free are what nobody else wants. And death. Death is free.”
All
architects receive a percentage of a building’s costs, Your
High
ness. I’ve done no work yet, but’ve already said I’ll take fifty percent off my usual fee. Check around and you’ll discover that that kind of discount is never,
ever
done. Particularly by someone as famous as me. I liked your father but I don’t like you. That fifty percent reduction is for
him.
Whatever work I do on this project is for him, his memory. I don’t give a damn about you and I don’t give a damn about Saru. I think your father would’ve been offended if I did this for less. You want me to do it free? I don’t believe in that. The only things you get for free are what nobody else wants. And death. Death is free.”
“Hah! The important things in life are free. Look at love! Do you pay for love?”
“No, but after getting it, I’ve had to ‘pay’ a hell of a lot to keep it. Wait till you’ve been around Fanny Neville a while. You’ll see exactly what I mean.”
“I think it is only fair to tell you, Radcliffe. I have asked Fanny to marry me.” New Sultan or not, he looked at me with a young man’s doubt and insecurity.
I suppose I should’ve felt shocked or provoked, but the image of the viper-tongued Ms. Neville as spouse to the head of state of a
desert kingdom was so zany that I bit back a smile instead of calling for a sword and challenging him to a duel. “What did Fanny say?”
desert kingdom was so zany that I bit back a smile instead of calling for a sword and challenging him to a duel. “What did Fanny say?”
He straightened his shoulders and stuck out his chin. “That she would think about it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she said yes.”
“How come you want to marry her? She’s got the temper of a badger. Plus isn’t it a little soon to be proposing?”
“No.
I
think life with her would be generous and peaceful. I know she is partly in love with you, but I’m willing to accept that for now. People change. And gradually she’ll see I’m better for her than you. She even said herself the only reason you want people around is to keep you busy till you get back to work on your buildings. She thinks the only thing you can love is your work.”
I
think life with her would be generous and peaceful. I know she is partly in love with you, but I’m willing to accept that for now. People change. And gradually she’ll see I’m better for her than you. She even said herself the only reason you want people around is to keep you busy till you get back to work on your buildings. She thinks the only thing you can love is your work.”
“Fanny said that?”
“More than once.” He said it simply and with the dignity of truth. He could have gloated or rubbed my nose in it, but didn’t. I appreciated that. Fanny and I had fought so much and she’d said many astute things, but coming from this man who loved and wanted her so much, the words did far more damage than she’d ever managed in our tussles.
“Listen, what if instead of money, I offered you something better, something that will amaze you?”
Still smarting from his Fanny news, I caught only a part of what he said and none of it registered. “What? What are you talking about?”
“You already have a great deal of money. What if, instead of this fee for your work, I paid you in magic?” One bird sang alone somewhere near. The sun was growing insistent above us and this man had just made a real offer—no tease or trick in his voice. There are moments in life of such importance that it feels like the day, your heart, your fate all suddenly stop and stand still, awed by what’s happening or what’s about to.
“I’m listening. Go on.”
“When I was young, they taught me certain things a Sultan of
Saru might need when he is ruling. My father and all of the previous Sultans knew them. One of these things I will show you now will prove this magic I mentioned is possible. But don’t think I do it to show off! That’s one of the first lessons you learn when they start to teach you these powers: If you ever use them in a wrong or selfish way to get something for
yourself
in life, then you are
fucked
. I, for example, would love to use what I know to win Fanny, but that is out of the question. Too bad for me. Point out what kind of car you like, Radcliffe.” He gestured around with out-flung arms, as if he were one of those lovably rabid salesmen on television in L.A. who, wearing cowboy hats or riding giant turtles, try to get you to “come on down” to their used car lots.
Saru might need when he is ruling. My father and all of the previous Sultans knew them. One of these things I will show you now will prove this magic I mentioned is possible. But don’t think I do it to show off! That’s one of the first lessons you learn when they start to teach you these powers: If you ever use them in a wrong or selfish way to get something for
yourself
in life, then you are
fucked
. I, for example, would love to use what I know to win Fanny, but that is out of the question. Too bad for me. Point out what kind of car you like, Radcliffe.” He gestured around with out-flung arms, as if he were one of those lovably rabid salesmen on television in L.A. who, wearing cowboy hats or riding giant turtles, try to get you to “come on down” to their used car lots.
Mercedeses, Lincolns, the Saru-biquitous Range Rovers, all stood around in shiny splendor. I was keen to see what he was going to do, so I scanned the ranks like a real prospective buyer. Sticking out like a gaudy bum from all of that other swanky iron was a lollipop-green Lada, a Russian automobile that looks and drives like a telephone booth on wheels.
I pointed to it. “How about the Lada?”
Hassan looked at the green car with his head slightly tilted, as if listening to secret inner voices. Then he gave the smallest nod and walked to it through the other cars.
As if ashamed, or being shunned for its ugliness and cheapness by the more formidable machines, the Lada stood apart from the others at the place where the gravel bordered the lawn.
He put his hand on the roof and patted it. “This is my car, but that’s all right. It is a real car—they do not cost much, they’re well built, and when you ride you feel the whole road. I like that.”
“I would’ve thought you’d own one of these big boys—” I remembered the pictures of him in trendy magazines.
“No, no. To father’s despair, I always liked Ladas. My father …”
He said nothing else for a time, only rested his hands on the green roof and sighed.
He said nothing else for a time, only rested his hands on the green roof and sighed.
“My father loved beautiful things. He believed in them, if I can say it that way. It was very hard for him to hold himself in and not buy more.” Looking first inside the car and then at me, Hassan walked around the side. While speaking, he slowly continued to circle. One time, two, three … I thought at first he was checking for something—dents on the outside or whatever—but after the third or fourth go-round my eyes began to narrow.
“When you are raised with money in every pocket, and people are down on their knees to you from the day you are born, you have a hard time staying human. My father did a very good job of being a great ruler, but he learned a taste early for beautiful things. I am different because I was sent away to a private school from a very early age.” Round and round and round. My eyes narrowed more and watched him oh so closely. Round and round. What-was-he-doing?
“At this school I grew up with many American kids who were spoiled, but spoiled in the way they had so much money they could afford the luxury of hating the school and their parents and everything they came from. We all wore lumberjack shirts and smoked dope when we could get it and said ‘fuck the rich.’ We really didn’t mean that, but we said it and it gave us a little perspective about our lives. These kids knew where I came from and who I was, but to the son of the president of United States Steel or Ford, a prince is only amusing. It was a good experience because I was not used to being treated like an equal, but it was not what my father expected. He wanted me to learn perfect English and Western economics there, which I did, but I also learned Pink Floyd and how to wear jeans with holes in the ass.”
The Lada had begun to shrink.
I’d been listening carefully to him and thus not registering what was going on right in front of me. His tale of the poor little rich boy
away at private school suckered me into looking away while the magician started to work. But when I realized, it took only seconds to know this man wasn’t,
couldn’t be,
working an illusion or ruse: He was shrinking a full-size automobile by walking around it. No abracadabra, no zim-zams, only circles round and round a one-ton green Russian box, and every one made it smaller.
away at private school suckered me into looking away while the magician started to work. But when I realized, it took only seconds to know this man wasn’t,
couldn’t be,
working an illusion or ruse: He was shrinking a full-size automobile by walking around it. No abracadabra, no zim-zams, only circles round and round a one-ton green Russian box, and every one made it smaller.
“What are you doing, Hassan?”
He kept moving. It kept shrinking. “Giving you a choice, Mr. Famous Architect. Showing you what is possible and giving you a choice.”
It was down to the size of a VW Bug. He kept talking. I was watching but not listening. What car’s smaller than a VW? That size. Smaller. Then it was no longer … . No adult could get into something that size, even if they bent like a pocket knife. Maybe a child. Yes, a child might’ve gotten in. But another circle and too late—too small even for a child. A dog could get in this time. A small dog.
Hassan kept walking, talking quietly. The car was now down to the size of a couch. Round once more. Too small to sit on. A rug. Round and round. A radio. A loaf of bread. Where it stops nobody knows. The two of us were still alone out there. The bird still sang. The expression on Hassan’s face had turned from calm to naughty, as if he had something more up his sleeve and was about to show it.
“What do you think, Radcliffe?” He stopped when it was the size of three or four cigarettes laid side to side, a Dinkytoy, a half piece of toast. Its brilliant unnatural green spotted the white gravel like fresh paint. It wasn’t so different in color from the grass. Small enough now to be overlooked in the grass. Easily.
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