Overheard in a Dream (38 page)

“That was a mistake. I felt inhibited with Tiffany there, afraid, I think, of what she would go home and say to my parents. I couldn’t get into the right mood to do the sorts of things I usually did, so I took a back seat that night and let Fergus take over. Nonetheless, it was still exciting because one of the other women in the group began speaking in a strange language right in the middle of the meeting. Fergus immediately identified it as a Being of Light coming through.

“When she stopped speaking, Fergus told her it was paramount that she begin cleansing her mind by practising stringent meditation techniques. He then made her lie down prone on the floor while he pressed his fingers to her temples. He said he sensed the nearness of many spirits, not all of them good, but for the most part they were Voices. The woman seemed delighted with all this attention.

“At home afterwards, Tiffany and I prepared for bed. She didn’t talk much. Indeed, she’d been virtually silent all evening, which I took to be tiredness because we’d been really on the go, trying to fit everything in.

“‘You can sleep on the plane home,’ I said, as I flopped down on my bed. ‘It’ll make the trip go faster.’

“Tiffany nodded and picked up her pajamas. Laying them on the bed, she pulled the band out of her ponytail and shook loose her hair before beginning to unbutton her shirt.

“I had found myself living for this brief moment every evening when Tiffany loosened her dark, straight hair and evoked that brief, flickering vision of Torgon. I would experience then a faint echo of the enthralling sensation I’d always got even as a child when accessing the Forest.

“When she was changed, Tiffany leaned over and gave me a toothpaste-scented kiss before settling into her sleeping bag.
Not quite ready for bed myself, I wished her good night and then got up and went into the living room.

“Lying on the coffee table was one of the notebooks Fergus had been using to transcribe what I was saying in my channelling sessions for the Tuesday night group. I leaned forward and picked it up.

“‘
Torgon says: The tapestry of your own existence operates as an impediment, highly detrimental, to the facts of inner unity, where physical being, individually, obstructs the collective realization of a multidimensional actualization
,’ I read.

“An odd, vaguely repulsed feeling came over me. There was no meaning in that sentence. I couldn’t remember now if the person I had been channelling for thought it made sense, but looking at it now, I realized it said nothing. Just words in the right grammatical order, as bereft of meaning as if the phrases had been randomly generated by a computer.

“I thought then of Torgon – the
real
Torgon – the one who shimmered into existence as Tiffany pulled the band from her hair. That Torgon was so far distant from this shambolic sentence that it was almost obscene to have ascribed it to her. How long it had been since I had gone properly into the Forest like I’d used to? Months, I realized and I had been so busy with Fergus that I hadn’t even noticed.

“Was I still able to go? It wasn’t something I could just ‘call up’, like I did with the bogus Torgon. I had never actually stopped to consider what exactly I’d done for all those years in order to ‘go to the Forest’. It had just been there when I’d wanted it. I’d done it intuitively. Now it wasn’t there. Except for that brief moment in the evenings with Tiffany’s loosened hair, there was nothing. Even that was just a resonance, the way a crystal glass will pick up a distant note.

“Leaning back into the cushions of the sofa, I closed my eyes and tried to bring the Forest to life. The last story I’d written had been of Torgon fleeing to the high holy place after killing Ansel. I thought about the events, but I was just remembering them. I wasn’t there.

“Maybe I needed to relax more, I thought. Using the meditation techniques Fergus had so carefully taught me, I worked at calming my mind. In some distant part of me I could still sense what had been happening in her world while I was caught up in mine.

“A new Seer had been called – Caslan, Ansel’s youngest sister. Torgon had met with the elders of the village council and had managed to convince them that killing Ansel had been a holy act, done at Dwr’s command. This was not sufficient, however, for Ansel’s three younger brothers – the holy brothers – who were also warriors. Being proud and high-born, they felt humiliated by the way he died: naked, asleep and killed by his own knife at the hand of a low-caste woman. Loki’s father, who was leader of the
benita
band, had come to Torgon’s defence and that had set the warriors arguing among themselves, some siding with the holy brothers, some with the
benita
band. Civil war loomed.

“I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling of my living room. What had happened to us? What had happened to both Torgon and myself? Our futures had been so promising. How had it all gone so wrong?

“It was after midnight when I finally went in to bed. I crept as silently as possible around Tiffany in her sleeping bag, pulled back my covers and lay down.

“‘Laurie?’ came the soft, small voice in the darkness.

“‘I’m sorry. Did I wake you up? I thought I was being quiet.’

“‘No, I haven’t gone to sleep yet,’ Tiffany said.

“‘Not yet? You’ve been in here for hours. Is something wrong? Are you feeling okay?’

“‘Yeah, I’m fine.’

“‘Probably just the excitement of the big trip tomorrow then,’ I said. ‘I always find it hard to sleep before a journey.’

“‘No, it’s not that.’ A pause, ‘Can I ask you something, Laurie?’

“‘Yeah, sure. Shoot.’

“‘Promise me first you won’t get mad.’

“‘Well, try me.’

“‘Do you really love that guy? That Fergus?’

“‘Yes.’

“‘I mean,
really
love him?’

“‘I can hear what you’re thinking from your voice, Tiff, and I want to say, you haven’t seen his best side. He’s not so good with kids, but the truth is, he can be really, really loving.’

“‘That’s not what I’m thinking, Laurie. I don’t know how to say this so it doesn’t sound wrong, but the truth is, I think he’s nuts.’

“‘He’s not, Tiffany.’

“‘I can’t figure out what’s happening here,’ she said softly. ‘I can’t understand why you’re hanging around with people like him and those folks at that meeting tonight. They’re all nuts.’

“‘That’s not for you to judge, is it?’ I said defensively. ‘Who are you to know about any of this? You’re just a mouthy kid from South Dakota.’

“I heard her expel a frustrated breath.

“‘I don’t want to get in a big argument at this time of night, Tiff, so I’m not going to,’ I said. ‘It’s none of your business. You’re not old enough to understand my friends.’

“The atmosphere felt sour then. Wearily, I pulled the covers up and turned over to face the wall. Several minutes of silence followed.

“‘Laurie?’

“‘Now what?’

“‘I don’t want to argue either, but just tell me one thing first, okay?’

“‘All these questions
are
arguing.’

“‘Please? Then I promise I’ll leave you alone.’

“‘Okay,
one
thing.’

“‘Tell me that really, deep down, you don’t believe any of this rubbish.’”

“T
he following Tuesday, I had a shift in the emergency ward at the university hospital,” Laura said. “A little girl about seven had been hit by a car and was brought in with very serious head injuries. She was still alive, but unconscious, and we were absolutely frantic because no one knew who she was. Despite our efforts, we couldn’t find her family in time. She died, nameless and alone, except for me, cradling her poor broken head in my hands.

“Because of this, I was late to the Tuesday night group. Fergus was already there. Sitting next to him where I normally sat was this young woman who came only occasionally to the group. Her name was Philippa, although she was known as Pippa, and most of us just called her Pip. She looked like a Pip – small and gamin-like with dark red, cropped hair.

“A discussion was underway about increasing ‘prosperity potential’. Someone said how he was now connecting with higher energies during meditation and this was allowing him to let go of old, negative programming. He said he’d hooked into a lot of subconscious programming that wasn’t affirming
his prosperity potential, but now since he’d raised his vibrations and connected with the infinite wisdom of the Beings of Light, he was sure his new business venture would succeed.

“Pip suddenly said, well,
her
spirit guide had been in contact with Torgon last week and Torgon had given information to her guide on how to help Pip centre her life in a way that would encourage wealth.

“I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. I was sorely tempted to call Pip’s bluff because that was just not something Torgon would do, neither the real one nor even my channelled construct of her, but I hesitated. If I did challenge Pip without explaining how I knew for certain she was making it up, people would just think it was sour grapes on my part. If I admitted how I did know Pip’s claim was false, my own falsehoods would be revealed.

“We were all sitting in a circle on the floor and, as I was considering this matter, I was looking from Pip around to the other members of the group. Suddenly I caught sight of my shoes. There was blood on one of them. Only two tiny drops, but I knew immediately it had to be the blood of the young girl I had been treating in the ER.

“The sight of those drops of blood hit me as if someone had thrown a hammer at a plate-glass window. My mind just shattered. Glancing around the circle at all those well-fed, well-dressed, well-educated people, so gormless and gullible, I suddenly lost it. I thought,
What the HELL am I doing here? What kind of monster have I turned into?
And as I did, a terrifying panic overwhelmed me. I couldn’t stay a moment longer. I jumped up and ran out of the room.

“Fergus jumped up after me and came running out too. ‘What’s wrong?’

“I’d already begun to cry. I yelled at him to go away. Trying to grab me, he said, ‘Shhh, relax, Laura. Breath deeply now. Take a deep breath.’

“Fighting him off, I ran to my car. I was crying so hard by that point I could hardly see the road while driving home. Once inside my apartment, I pulled off my shoe and rushed into the kitchen in an attempt to wash the blood off, but as I reached the sink nausea overcame me. I threw up all over the dirty dishes that were piled in there.

“About half an hour later there was a snick and the familiar sound of Fergus pulling his key from the door. ‘Laura?’ he called out, ‘Are you here?’

“He appeared in my bedroom doorway. ‘How are you?’ he asked, his voice concerned. Coming over, he sat on the edge of the bed. Behind him came Pip. Pip turned the overhead light on and then sat down on the bed beside Fergus.

“‘Are you feeling better?’ Fergus asked. ‘You were looking very pale. I noticed that when you came in.’

“Pip said, ‘I channelled tonight. Just like you’ve been doing. Too bad you missed it.’

“I just went berserk. I shrieked at her to get out of there and leave me alone.

“Fergus rose up and spread his arms out wide towards Pip, as if he were herding geese. He said. ‘Go on home.’ I remember hearing Pip asking, ‘But aren’t you coming?’

“‘Why the hell did you bring her here?’ I sobbed when Fergus returned. ‘This isn’t Grand Central Station. Why don’t you think of me sometimes?’

“‘Laura, all I do think about is you,’ he said gently and reached out to smooth back my hair. I’d been afraid he’d be angry at my outburst, but he was just the opposite. His
expression was so loving and his eyes as soft and deep as the darkness. ‘Without you, there is no sun, no moon, no world for me,’ he whispered. ‘The universe is empty. I am only alive, knowing you’re alive.’

“Slipping off his shoes, Fergus pulled back the covers and climbed into the bed with me. He enveloped me in an astonishingly tender embrace, pressing me so close against him I could hardly move. He covered my face with gentle kisses. Reaching my cheekbones, he touched his tongue to my tears and tasted them. He smiled. ‘The sorrows of this world are too harsh for you. You are a true sensitive.’

“‘No, I’m not’, I sobbed. ‘I’ve sold my soul. I am absolutely nothing.’

“When I woke in the morning, it was as if I were rousing from a drunken sleep, waking in the aftermath of heavy partying, when everything that had seemed so wonderful in an alcoholic haze now looked shoddy and insubstantial, when waking was not a refreshing experience, but one of pain and disappointment.

“Wearily, I got out of bed and got ready to go to the hospital, but the sensation affected everything I did. That afternoon, I just walked out. It was late in the day, 4:30 or so, and I was due at a seminar, but I just grabbed my coat and left.

“It was spring by then, cool and clear. The air was faintly scented with something floral – hyacinths, I think – that wove itself in around the traffic fumes. I walked, not thinking.

“I needed to talk to Fergus. He’d be at the health club by this time, but wouldn’t have started his sessions yet. If I went over now, I could say what had to be said to him and then leave without there being enough time for him to drag a retraction out of me.