Paige Rewritten (30 page)

He smiles then, looking all shy and sweet, squeezing my hands. “Will you be my girlfriend?”

A mix of relief and something else soft and sticky floods my chest and I grin at him, squeezing his hands back. “Eh, why not?” I shrug, but I'm smiling so wide my cheekbones are threatening to dislodge.

Tyler laughs. “Glad you aren't too distraught by the idea.” He lets go of one of my hands, lightly brushing my bangs off my forehead.

My stomach begins twisting.

He leans down and softly kisses my cheek, lightly running his thumbs along the sides of my face.

My chest is so tight, I can't breathe. Potential heart attack threat is reinstated. He pulls back, smiling so sweetly at me I can't help but smile back.

Tyler is about the most opposite from Luke that he can be. Blond hair and all.

And I really, really, really like that.

He takes my hand and we start walking again. I squeeze his fingers. “Hey. Thanks for asking.” I'd been wondering.

He nods. “Sorry it took me so long. I've been waiting for the perfect moment. When Mason asked Stef to be his girlfriend, they were sitting in the airport pickup line, waiting for his roommate to arrive.” He rolls a shoulder. “I just wanted it to be a little nicer than that.”

I grin. “It seemed to work for them.”

“You don't know Mason. He was going to propose at Golden Corral until I told him that Stephanie might appreciate something a little more upscale.” He rolls his eyes. “There are reasons not to let your college roommate marry your sister.” He adjusts the backpack on his shoulders.

“What's in the bag?”

There's the sweet, shy smile again. “I thought we might have a picnic for an early dinner, if that's okay.”

If that's okay. Like I am going to say no.

We find a little spot surrounded by trees and flowers overlooking the lake, and Tyler pulls a blanket from the backpack, and tosses me two corners of it to spread over the grass.

We sit on the blanket and Tyler unearths a cooler from the backpack. “Okay, so I wasn't sure exactly what kind of stuff you liked, so I just kind of brought everything I could think of.” He pulls out crackers, six different kinds of block cheese, summer sausage, grapes, strawberries, and a box of assorted chocolates. He even has a bottle of sparkling cider in there.

I just sit there. “Wow!”

“Let me pray and then we'll dig in.” He reaches for my hands. “God, thank You for this day with Paige. Please bless this food and bless our conversation. In Jesus' name, amen.”

We eat half in silence, watching the lake and soaking in the flowers around us and half talking about details around my new job and having to share an office with Rick. “I hope Gary will clean it before I officially start,” I tell Tyler, talking about the church janitor.

“I'm sure he will.”

The arboretum closes at five, and by the time we are headed back to my apartment, I'm stuffed full of cheese and crackers and feeling very sleepy. I lean my head back on the headrest in his truck and look over at Tyler. “Thanks for today.”

“You're welcome.” He smiles over at me and reaches again for my hand. “I'm glad we spent the day together. Sorry if you had a lot you needed to get done today. I kind of kidnapped you.”

I grin. “This was way better than cleaning my toilet.”

He laughs.

He walks me up to my apartment door about thirty minutes later, and I unlock it and wave him in. “If you don't have some place to go, you're welcome to stay. I can make decaf and we can watch a movie or something. If you aren't completely sick of my company by now, that is.” This is the longest we've ever been around each other.

“Eh.” He shrugs. “I've made it this far. I think I could make it a little while longer.” He goes into my kitchen. “Want some water?”

“Sure. Thanks, Tyler.” My cell phone buzzes right then and it's a text from Rick.

A
RE YOU COMING
W
EDNESDAY NIGHT?

I just stare at the text for a minute and finally write him back.
WHAT?

Y
OU NEVER GOT THAT E-MAIL, DID YOU?

N
OPE.

P
ARTY AT THE CHURCH
W
EDNESDAY NIGHT
. I
T
'
S MOST OF THE KIDS
'
LAST DAY OF SCHOOL FOR THE SUMMER
. T
HERE
'
S GOING TO BE A CHURCHWIDE POTLUCK
. C
OMING?

I look over at Tyler. “Did you know about the party on Wednesday?”

“Oh yeah. I think Rick said something about maybe even using the projector and doing a movie night too since a lot of the families in the church are coming.”

“Huh. Are you going?”

“I was planning on it.” He brings two glasses of water in from the kitchen.

I write Rick back. S
URE
. I'
LL BE THERE.

G
REAT!
S
EE YA THEN
, N
EW
H
IRELING!

Behold, my new boss.

I climb into bed that night around eleven. Tyler and I ended up watching two movies, making two batches of popcorn, and finishing off the chocolates from the picnic.

He kissed my cheek again as he left, pulling me into a gentle hug.

I pick up my Bible from my bedside table and just look at the cover. New job, new boyfriend, basically new sister.

It is a new me from all external evidence.

I turn to Galatians, my heart tensing with the one issue that still remains unsolved.

Luke.

“If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.”

My breath catches in my throat and I think I might cry.

Boastful. Challenging. Envious.

Three words that have described me these last many weeks.

I thought I was better than Luke and Preslee. Thought I was a better Christian, a better person, a better citizen. That I rarely sinned, and when I did, it wasn't nearly as bad as they had. I am proud. So very proud.

I was difficult for them to be around. I didn't give them forgiveness, I didn't listen when they wanted to talk, and I put up walls when they wanted to apologize.

And I envied them. Oh, how I've envied their ability to screw up completely and still find happiness.

I close my eyes, tears filling them.

Oh Lord, how I've failed
.

Maybe I didn't run away. Maybe I didn't turn my back on God or my parents or my friends or my morals. Maybe I didn't hurt feelings, smash relationships, decimate hearts. Maybe I was, in a lot of respects, the perfect daughter.

But oh how I have held on to this seedling in my heart. How I planted it, cared for it, and fed it.

For years and years and years. Until at some point, it became such a part of my thoughts and life that I didn't even recognize it for what it was.

A weed. A thorn. A root of bitterness.

I look into the Bible and see only a mirror reflecting back at me. How much bitterness is in my chest, in my head, on my hands?

Toward Preslee for leaving first. For forcing me to have to be the older, wiser one who cleaned up her mess.

Toward Luke for choosing the world and its lusts over me. For breaking my heart and making me doubt God's control in my life.

Toward Layla for marrying Peter, who, for all purposes, is a wonderful man who loves my friend. But she is moving into the next stage of life and I am left behind.

Stuck.

Right where I have been.

Tears are coursing down my face, tracing tiny rivers down my cheeks, dropping single file into my lap, watermarking my Bible in small circles of grief.

God, forgive me. Help me remove this bitterness from my heart.

Chapter

22

M
onday morning and we have a very conveniently timed staff meeting. I record our standard, “We're here, but we're not available” message for the voice mail and then join Candace, Peggy, and Mark in his office.

I look terrible. But I guess that is to be expected. I was up way into the small hours of the morning, praying, reading the Bible, praying more, and crying. I finally ended up just getting out of bed and making myself a pot of decaf, sitting at the kitchen table, writing my thoughts in a journal.

God has forgiven me.

I can feel the lightness from my heart all the way down to my shoes today. So despite my miniscule makeup and yanked-into-a-bun hair, I still feel wonderful. Beautiful.

Loved.

“All right, let's start.” Mark shuffles his pile of notes around on his desk. “Candace, how are things with the Bakerson family?”

Their birth mother just had their new little daughter after thirty-six hours of labor and an eventual C-section. Candace was at the hospital with the girl the entire time.

“Good,” Candace says, looking even rougher than I do. She rubs her hand through her blonde hair, and tucks it behind her ears. “Tori is still in the hospital but recovering. Baby Gianna is settling in nicely, and obviously, the Bakersons are tired but overjoyed.” There are several state-sanctioned visits that have to be done right after a child is placed in a home. Those are always Peggy and Candace's favorites.

Mark nods. “Great. They were a cute couple.”

“Still are,” Candace says.

We talk details about a few more families. I make notes about new couples coming in and new birth mother matches and new due dates. Finally Mark looks at me.

“All right. I think we can wrap this up. Am I forgetting anything, Paige?”

Now is the moment I've been dreading since I woke up from my frightfully few hours of sleep last night.

“Well, actually,” I say, slowly, clasping my hands in my lap. “I have some news.”

All of them just look at me. Peggy has a knowing look on her face, but Candace's eyes are wide with worry, and Mark is just looking at his notes with concern, like what I'm about to say is something he overlooked.

I take a deep breath, incredibly nervous. My hands are clammy.

“Y'all know I love working here. I love the clients; I love being a part of something so life changing. And I really do love working with you all.” I look particularly at Peggy and Candace as I say that.

I inhale another deep breath. “Recently, I've been offered the opportunity to work with younger girls, and it is going to be working in a setting that will allow me to do actual counseling, which you all know is something I've wanted to do here since the beginning.” I gnaw on the inside of my cheek for a couple of seconds, looking down at my lap. “So, I'm going to be turning in my two weeks' notice today.”

The room is quiet. Mark is just looking at me, shocked. Candace has tears spilling out of her eyes and down her face. Peggy has both hands clasped under her chin, a sad smile on her face.

Mark is the first one to speak. “W-Wow,” he stutters. “I honestly did not see that coming.”

I nod. “I know, sir, and I am so sorry for the surprise. It's something I've been praying about for a while now. And I don't want you to think I am in any way ungrateful for all the experience and wisdom you have taught me.”

He nods absently, and I can tell that a million thoughts are running through his head.

Candace comes over and pulls me up into a crushing hug, crying and swiping her tears and telling me she is so excited for me but so sad for herself.

Peggy just gives me a gentle squeeze on my shoulders and nods. “I knew you would,” she says quietly and chucks my chin lightly. “You'll be an amazing intern.”

“Well, uh, I guess with that …” Mark says a minute later. “Um. Meeting adjourned.”

I walk back to the front room, suddenly seeing everything with new eyes. My desk that I never bothered to decorate with pictures or plants or fun pen holders. My chair I hated that I inherited from the last secretary.

That awful, horrible, leviathan of a copy machine.

I pat it as I walk by. “I will not miss you, friend.” Nor the hours I spend every week wrestling it to get it to work.

I sit down, look around, and decide that maybe, somewhere deep in my soul, I always knew this was a temporary job.

The phone rings and I pick it up, cradling it between my shoulder and my ear, reaching for the call logbook. “Thank you for calling Lawman Adoption Agency, this is Paige, how may I help you?”

And the countdown begins.