Pancakes Taste Like Poverty: And Other Post-Divorce Revelations (18 page)

Milkshake

I just wanted to share a small view of the
amazing men reaching out to me through dating sites. Please note that
my profile specifically states that I am not looking for a hookup:

“I like my
women like I like my milkshakes, thick and chocolatey.”
I
am Jessica's utter lack of amusement.
Wolverine

Every
now and then, my ex-husband calls to talk.
He doesn't ask to talk
to the kids, unfortunately. He wants to talk to me.
He rambles
about his “clients” and about what's going on in his
life. I'm never completely sure why I answer. But last night's
conversation was amusing.
“It's kinda hilarious how
little women are interested in me. I think I reek of, like, pathetic.
Like they can tell I'm a mess.”
“I attract some gross
ones myself,” I answered. “I think I'm just gonna swear
off.”
He took a deep breath and then started.
“You
remember that scene in that one X-men movie? Jean Grey had turned
into Phoenix. She was just floating there and tearing up EVERYTHING
with her powers. She was all glowy and badass and, just, hella
powerful. That's you, chick. And I have this feeling that there is
only one dude – someone like Wolverine with a metal skeleton –
who can even, like, touch that shit. The rest of us just turn to
dust.”

“...Wolverine
killed
her,” I said, “He got close to her and he stabbed her
through her stomach, dude...with his claws.”
“Yeah,”
he interjected, “...but out of
love!
”

The List

I
feel like I have trudged through the septic sludge of my issues with
men.
I can safely say I am no longer in that weird, terrified,
I-am-too-damaged-I-will-mess-it-up phase.

I feel healed, rational, sensible – no
longer like the addict in recovery cautiously avoiding temptation at
any cost for fear of relapse. I’m okay now.

But being okay is not enough. I like growth. I
like to push.

I’m addicted to the emotional violence of
metamorphosis. It’s kinda my “thing.” So I said to
myself:

OK
, Jess. You are comfortable being alone,
sorta, but you miss companionship. You dated a little and you learned
what you
don’t
want. So what the hell do you
want?

CBL swears by a list, and
for good reason.

Years and years ago, destroyed by heartbreak, she
made a pact with herself. She made a list of ten or so “must
haves” and several “extras.” She dated each man for
six weeks. If after six weeks the man did not meet nine out of ten
requirements then the relationship was over. Completely over. If a
man met nine out of ten requirements she would marry him. And guess
what?

It worked.

She and her husband have been together for 20
years.

She admits, openly, that she was not in love with
him when she married him. But they worked hard and despite recent
major marital trials are still the happiest married-with-children
couple I know.
They love the hell out of each other. They
complement each other. They accept each other. They push each other.
They support each other. They’re the real deal.

So, under her tutelage, I wrote a list of my own.

Actually, I mostly plagiarized it from another
mama in my single mom co-op group
,
but whatev
s,
it was
good. It’s a start. And it’s a much better start than the
vapid list I wrote when I was seventeen that was all about dark hair,
smelling good
,
and being hot
while wearing glasses. Bless.

Basically, I used her starter list and then
fleshed it out by thinking of the qualities of my best friends. I’ve
had the same two best friends for 25 years. What qualities do
they
have that
,
despite fights,
deaths, marriage, divorce, babies, addictions
,
and distance
,
we still love
each other?
We still talk on the phone for two to three hours at
a time
,
and it doesn’t
matter how long it’s been since the last time – 24 hours
of 24 months.

So here is my updated list in no particular
order:

1.
Self sufficient –
living on their own, on their own dime
.

2
. Relatively
intelligent – close to proper use of grammar, does not speak in
“txt”

3.
A bit of a
minimalist - I’m a jungle woman, we all know this. I will
always choose a cottage and a garden over a McMansion and a media
room.

4.
Orphaned or
parents live in foreign country –
T
his
is not a deal breaker
,
but I
cannot imagine having even more in-laws or getting enmeshed in
another family.

5.
Likes lots of
sex

6.
Is not
allergic to cats – I have one. I’m no cat lady. I also
like dogs
,
so pups are
welcome.

7.
Good sense of
humor – I can’t tolerate people who aren’t funny.
Isn’t that sad? I feel like such a sno
b,
but I really don’t like to be around people who aren’t
funny. ‘Tis what ’tis.

8.
Likes to travel

9.
Food adventurous
– For me, willingness to accept and try
foods from different cultures indicates a humility and lack of
ethnocentricity that
I find
appealing. It means a person really
,
really
understands that we are all just humans. We are
all connected. What is good enough for someone in a small village in
Ecuador is good enough for me. There is nothing “better”
about our way of life and, by extension, us. And there is little more
intimate than accepting food into your body openly and with trust.

10.
Respects my
boundaries with my kids - They are
my
kids. I have also
written down goals and objectives for what kind of people I want them
to be. I am open to suggestio
n,
but
I am not open to someone undermining me.

11.
Positive,
upbeat, jolly - Okay, look. There are people out there who are so
proud of how sarcastic and cynical they are. I think those people are
lame. I do not like these people, typically. I don’t want any
“Debbie Downer” types. I do not want to know why this or
that is a bad idea, or about infectious diseases in the sea water
when I want to go to the beach. In my experience, people like this
can find millions of intellectual reasons
not
to do things and
not
to speak to people and
not
to go places – not
my favorite.

12.
Creative -
He must write, sing, act, read, paint, cook, work with wood, dance
around his living room
,
or
appreciate any of the above. This shows me that “soul”
health is as important as physical and mental.

13.
Emotionally
available, but not clingy - I will not play Wendy to another Peter
Pan. Ever.

14.
Financially
secure

15
. Responsible.
Bills are paid on time. If said man has children, child support is
being paid.

16.
Dark hair –
Just a current preference. I also really like gingers.

17.
Upward
curving ween - CBL said to be specific.

18
. Sexually
dominant - Again, specific. But really sort of important. I call the
shots. I run the show. I manage a house. I dictate everything. I
choose what we are eating, watching, reading, doin
g,
all the time. I am tired of being the boss. I need relief. You get
where I’m going with this? I think I can stop here
...
19.
One of my sister
-f
riends
pointed out that I probably need a man with his own goals and hobbies
who “worships from afar.” This is true. I don’t
really want to be enmeshed and blended with another person. I don’t
want to lose myself in a relationship. I require a lot of
independence and freedom. I feel
more
loved when I have
freedom. I don’t want to be one of those couples
who
have no individual friends. I compartmentalize. That won’t
change.

20.
Treats me
like a lady. This is big. I don’t want to be punched in the arm
and turned into a dude
-
friend
or roommate to have sex with. The ex and I had much more of a big
sister/little brother relationship with lots of fart jokes and “dare
me to eat that” and it was gross and exhausting.

21.
Outgoing and friendly – I don’t like to
have to carry the conversation when I am out with a friend or date. I
like people who can enter the party and go with the flow. I am not
into someone needing me to constantly hold up their end of the
socializing.

22
Peace-minded
and socially liberal – Jesus is my homeboy. I am not
legalistic. I am an ENTP – I will always question the efficacy,
logi
c,
and humanism of the
rule book. What does the
most
good for the
most
people,
regardless of “principle”? That's how I roll.

23.
Treats
people in service industry with respect - This is really telling,
again, of whether or not someone truly believes they are part of the
human fabric.

24.
Values experience over trinkets. This
is one thing my ex and I had in common and I was aware of how special
it was. When people tell me how much their
jewelry, purse, or shoes cost,
I
instantly
think
,
“T
hat could have been airfare to Hawaii” or “
T
hat
would have been four tickets to a Broadway show.” I just
enthusiastically used a chunk of tax return dollars to take my kids
to see Cirque du Soleil. I would never enthusiastically drop major
dollars on an inanimate object. I
begrudgingly
do that.

25.
I need
something here because “25” is a nice number, but I can't
think of anything.

So that’s the lis
t,
but another friend of mine added an addendum. She has a list,
too, but it is more of a list of questions to ask herself. I learned
recently that no matter how “good” a man is, it doesn’t
make him necessarily good for
me
. So I need to remember to ask
myself a few things even if Mr. Awesome meets 20/25 of these
requirements:

Does he make me feel safe, physically and
emotionally?
Am I attracted to him?
How do I feel when he’s
around? Calm, peaceful, energized? Take inventory.
Does he make
me feel desirable?
Am I holding back around him? Why?

This is a start.

I don’t know if I will be as disciplined as
CBL with the rules. But I have never had standards before. Ever. I
have also never dated someone I would actually be friends with. Ever.

So this is a start…

Me time Part 2 – May
2013

Y'all know I'm always a-frettin' over how I spend
my "Me Time." Well, I finally cracked the case.

The only person who knows how I should spend my
free time is ME!!!
I'm PMSing, y'all, so get ready to hear it.
The filter is off.

The only reason I ever felt like I wasn't doing
divorce and self-discovery correctly was when I allowed friends to
make
me feel like I wasn't doing it correctly. Every few
weeks
,
well-meaning friend
s,
who I
know
love me
,
start playing the same old tape.

"Just go out and do something by yourself."

"Just go sit in a coffeehouse."

"Just go take a class by yourself."

"You
need
time to yourself.
Seriously. You
have
to have time to yourself."

Oh God
,
I must be doing something
wrong. There must be something WRONG with me. I don't feel stressed
out. I must be too far gone.

Eventually the "advice" got even more
heated. Bossy. Bitchy, even.

"You are going to turn into a crazy cat
lady."

"I guess you're just rolling over and
accepting the end of your life
,
because you never do anything."

So I took it to Chris, my best homie 4 lyfe.

No one...

...let me stress this...

NO ONE knows me better than this guy.

So I asked him.

"Chris, my friends here are concerned I'm
not taking care of myself or doing enough
‘
me
time
’
- what do you
think?"

Laughter.
That
was the answer. Surprised
laughter.

The only person who knows what I need to
"refresh" or "revive" myself is me...well, and
Chris, actually, as he proclaimed that "with three kids, laying
around and doing nothing IS you doing something for yoursel
f.
"
No
one else knows what I need to do with my time, least of all people
who have known me less than a year or two – people who have
ONLY known post-divorce Jessica.