Panda to your Every Desire (18 page)

Sir Alex, who does not take kindly to losing, barked: “How the hell did you know that?”

Nicky merely replied: “I have two in my house.”

SPORTS journalist Robert Philip, in his book
Scottish Sporting Legends
, tells the tale of legendary Liverpool manager Bill Shankley berating forward Tony Hateley for his lack of talent. Defending himself, Tony replied: “You have to admit I’m great in the air.”

But Shankley barked back: “I’ll grant you that son, but so was Douglas Bader and he had two better legs than you’ll ever have.”

INCIDENTALLY, when writing about the great games of golf that have been played at St Andrews, Robert recalls the barman at the Jigger Inn overlooking the Old Course who, according to legend, spent the 1960s selling off the pub’s entire collection of stools and tables at the rate of one a week to visiting Americans, all nicely engraved: “Tom Morris Drank Here. 26 June 1859.”

OUR STORY of former Liverpool manager Bill Shankley decrying a player’s ability reminds Derek McCann in Aberdeen: “The story goes that when Martin O’Neill was Celtic manager he told an underperforming Rafael Scheidt, ‘You know, you remind me of me as a player – and I’m forty-five.”’

DREADFUL result for Scotland at Hampden against the Czech Republic. Murray Robertson had taken his partner’s nine-year-old son, whose father is Norwegian, to the game. As they walked away from the park, an auld fella ruffled the youngster’s hair and told him not to worry about it.

“It’s OK,” replied the young Norwegian. “I was told that if I’m going to support Scotland I’ll have to be prepared for disappointment.”

THE DIVING Czech player Jan Rezek, who conned the referee for the crucial last-minute penalty, was much discussed on the Tartan Army online messageboard.

Fan Jamesie Cottar – not his real name we suspect – commented: “To blame Rezek for diving is like blaming a puppy for taking a dump on the carpet. It’s what professional footballers do (I mean dive and cheat, not take a dump on the carpet).”

BLAME Diary correspondent John Dyer for this one.

“What is lldddlddwlddlllldldldl?” he asks. “Is it a) a market town in South Wales, b) a chorus from a Rolf Harris song, or c) the results of Rangers’ last twenty-two games in Europe?”

THE NEWSPAPERS were full of the story of Brazilian starlet Neymar claiming he was racially abused and had a banana thrown at him at the friendly match against Scotland.

But as Tartan Army footsoldier John Daly tells us: “Neymar should have done a bit more research before accusing Scotland fans of racism. A Scotsman with fruit? Aye, right.”

MATT VALLANCE, visiting the new St Mirren park, noticed that the nearby Buddies Snack Bar offered a full breakfast for £3, but you could get a larger “Mark Yardley Breakfast” for £3.70 with almost double the contents.

Mark of course was a St Mirren legend in the late eighties who scored over seventy goals for the club, but was, it has to be said, a bit on the bulky side towards the end of his career.

Says Matt: “Only in Scotland is fame so fleeting. All those goals for St Mirren and how is big Yards remembered? As a fatty.”

MONEY is tight in Scottish football with attendances dropping, corporate hospitality falling away and television money being cut. A Lanarkshire reader tells us he was talking to his pal, a professional footballer, who told him: “I asked my agent if he could get me a new contract.

“He said in the current climate the only contract he could get me would be £30 a month with 200 minutes free airtime and 500 free texts.”

RACEHORSES in Britain have to be registered with names only up to eighteen characters long, and any names that are considered rude or insulting are rejected.

Some cheeky owners try to get round the ban however, and horse-racing website lovetheraces.com tells us that among the attempted names which were thrown out by the authorities were Hugh Gass Kisser, Ima Goodlay and Anna Reksik.

Racing officials can’t spot everything, though, and among the names which have been accepted are the old school-boy one Hoof Hearted, the rather clever Peony’s Envy, and the one many racegoers look for but never find, Geespot.

“BEER company Carling,” our English football contact tells us, “must be gutted that after sponsoring the Carling Cup, Birmingham’s best player in the final was their goalkeeper Foster.”

And he added: “Some Arsenal fans were seen taking flares into Wembley. Apparently they were the ones they were wearing the last time they won anything.”

A JOKE for football fans only. Rangers former manager Walter Smith, who was accused of being overly defensively-minded when in charge, needed his roof repaired. After a builder went up to have a look at the damage, he climbed down and told Walter it would cost £4,000 to repair, which the Rangers manager agreed was fair. However, as the builder had to buy tiles, he told Walter: “I’ll need two up front and the other two when the job’s done.”

“Two up front?” screamed Walter. “Are you off your head?”

AS ENGLAND licks its wounds over the World Cup knock-back, a fan in London phones to tell us: “After England were stitched up by FIFA in the World Cup bid, we should follow Scotland’s example and just refuse to even try to qualify in future.”

SOMEONE got a book for Christmas we reckon. Dave Martin was at the Old Firm New Year derby game when he heard an exasperated Rangers fan claim the team had lost the plot.

A fellow fan piped up: “Lafferty’s no just lost the plot – he couldnae spot one in a Dan Brown novel.”

NATURALLY we had to investigate the big Ayrshire Junior football game at the weekend, Cumnock v Auchinleck Talbot, which shamefully involved mounted police officers clearing fighting fans off the pitch.

However, one old-timer, a veteran of over fifty years of such clashes, told us: “Only one red card and only one arrest – this was a quiet Cumnock v Talbot match.”

IT SEEMS the worldwide web is even changing traditional football chants. Partick Thistle fan Foster Evans couldn’t wait to tell Facebook friends around the world that Thistle had won 6–1 at the weekend.

But as a fellow football fan replied: “Post when you’re winning! You only post when you’re winning…”

GORDON PEDEN was with the Tartan Army in Dublin for the Scotland game, and strolling around town afterwards, basking in the glory of the win, he had to shout a warning to a friend from Edinburgh who had inadvertently strolled in front of a vehicle on Dublin’s Luas, the city’s light railway system.

Gordon was just wondering afterwards, if he hadn’t shouted the warning, would anyone ever believe the heading: “Edinburgh man struck by tram”?

RANGERS legend Willie Johnston, in Glasgow for the team’s Europa League tie against Sporting Lisbon, recalls being at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas with England player Alan Ball where they got annoyed by loud pages being broadcast from reception.

Ball went across and asked reception to page: “1966 World Cup winner Alan Ball to meet him at reception”. As Ball strolled back over to Willie, reception was engulfed with English visitors hoping to meet a World Cup hero, and Ball told Willie: “That’ll keep them occupied.”

AS CELTIC fans endlessly debate refereeing decisions, Ian Duff in Inverness tells us about a disputed goal at Partick Thistle’s ground. The referee appeared to appease the opposition by going over to consult his linesman. However, fans in the front row of the stand could hear the ref say to the official: “Fine day, isn’t it?”

The linesman said, “It is that,” while nodding his head vigorously in agreement.

The ref blows for a goal and heads for the centre spot to restart the game.

MORE football nostalgia, as reader Russell Pettigrew, after the fuss over the Rangers penalty against Celtic, reminds us of the imperious Tom “Tiny” Wharton refereeing an Old Firm game when he turned down a loud Celtic claim for a penalty.

Says Russell: “Bobby Lennox pursued him, complaining bitterly that it was definitely a penalty, to which Tiny replied, ‘I think, Mr Lennox, that when you read tomorrow’s papers you’ll find that it wasn’t.”’

First published 2011

by Black & White Publishing Ltd

29 Ocean Drive, Edinburgh EH6 6JL

www.blackandwhitepublishing.com

This electronic edition published in 2014

ISBN: 978 1 84502 798 8 in EPub format

ISBN: 978 1 84502 358 4 in paperback format

Copyright © Ken Smith 2011

The right of Ken Smith to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without permission in writing from the publisher.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Ebook compilation by RefineCatch Ltd, Bungay