Pandora Gets Angry (2 page)

CHAPTER TWO
A New Friend

“What do you mean, you haven't
seen
her yet?” said the first shade, hurrying along the palace corridor, passing enormous dark, lavishly decorated but empty rooms, dead-end porticos, courtyards full of creeping black plants and slow-dripping fountains.

“I've been on vacation with my daughter's family in the Elysian Fields' upper campground. I arranged it with the Dark Lord weeks ago. I wouldn't have gone if I'd known there was going to be such a commotion. And who knew we'd have a guest!” said the second, keeping pace. A dim, ugly light from an unseen source barely illuminated the way for the transparent figures. “Tell me about her.”

“Well, first off, she's very young. Too young to have been taken in such a horrible way.”

“How?” asked the second shade.

“Snake bite.”

“Ouch.”

“Tragic. But she's got quite a mouth on her, especially for one so young. Swears like a warrior, but she uses fruit,” the first shade continued.

“Original,” said the second.

“Perhaps, though it's not going over so well with our master. But she's very pretty. Beautiful reddish hair. At least I think it's red—hard to tell in this dim light. But, oh! The best thing about her is …”

“Yes? Yes?” asked the second shade.

“She's got a spark! She's still got some life left in her!” said the first, pausing outside the door to a small antechamber. “I didn't realize how much I missed real ‘life'—blood-pumping, heart-beating life! She's a breath of fresh air!”

“Lemon rinds! I can
hear
you, you know!” yelled a voice from inside a larger room.

The shades in the corridor quickly hushed and took up their posts, relieving two other shades that had been keeping watch over the young girl.

“And, yes, thank you, I am still pomegranate a-
live
!” they heard her cry. “At least, I think I am. Maybe. I don't know anymore. Hey! How long am I gonna have to stay here? The tapestries are cool and everything, and the lamps never seem to burn out, but can I get a window? And is there anything with color
any
where? Look, if I'm worm food already, then will somebody point me in the direction of the Elysian Fields so I can get to rompin'?”

The first shade smiled to the other.

“See what I mean?” she began whispering. “She's full of—”

But a huge figure at the entrance to the antechamber silenced her immediately.

“But if I am
not
apricot-apricoty-cot-cot-cot
dead
,” the shades heard, bowing their heads as the figure passed, followed by a second, moving toward the larger room, “then somebody's gonna have some explaining to do!”

“Alcestis!” said Hades, filling the entire entryway. “You will be quiet.”

Alcie, from the low couch on which she'd been lying for hours it seemed, whipped her head around to stare at the Dark Lord of the Underworld, paused a moment during which she thought better of staying down, got to her feet, then dropped to her knees.

“I know,” Hades began slowly, “that this has been hard for you. It has been hard for all of us. Believe me.”

“I'm sorry,” Alcie said softly.

“Yes, I'm certain that you are. I also know you can't help yourself. Stand now.”

As she got to her feet, Alcie suddenly felt like she was five.

“However,” Hades went on, “I am working very hard to find a solution to this whole mess. Now, while time means absolutely nothing to us here, I have just realized that you have been our … guest … for almost twelve of your days and have basically done nothing but sit.”

Alcie was shocked. She
couldn't
have been sitting in this oddly beautiful but dark and dreary room for twelve days. Half a day, a day at most. She hadn't slept or eaten. Time really
didn't
mean anything.

“I do apologize,” Hades was continuing, “that this is our first meeting since the day you arrived; I don't think either of us was in terribly good spirits—no pun intended—to have made a proper greeting then. You were flailing about so, you had to be enchanted into submission and I had to essentially empty my treasury to Charon so that he would ferry you across the river Styx. And I have been busy since. So … so I have now entreated my lovely queen to come and visit with you.”

Immediately, Alcie saw the smaller figure slightly behind Hades: a young woman, sumptuously dressed and bejeweled, only a little older than Alcie, who was waving her hands up and down wildly in a very enthusiastic greeting.

Hades turned to address the woman, who instantly became still, refined, and proper, clear eyes gazing at Alcie, hands at her sides.

“Even though these are the months allotted for her to spend with her mother on Mount Olympus, my wife, Persephone,” Hades said, gesturing to the woman, “has graciously consented to return here and will be happy to engage you …”

Hades turned back to Alcie, and Persephone broke into a huge grin and clapped her hands silently.

Alcie's mouth started to fall open slightly as she stared at the crazy woman.

“… in conversation. She can tell you all about her underworld kingdom. Isn't that so, my love?”

Hades turned again to Persephone and found her calm, even a little bored, nodding her head slightly in agreement.

“She will see to it …”

Hades continued, turning once again to Alcie as Persephone raised her hands and waggled them joyfully, mouthing the word “
Wahoo!
”

“… that all your needs are met. Perhaps you are hungry?”

Strangely, Alcie wasn't, and she began to say so, then noticed Persephone's head bobbing furiously, directing her how to answer.

“I'm all right … no … no, I'm
not
all right. I
am
hungry,” Alcie said slowly, gazing past Hades to Persephone, who gave her a thumbs-up and grinned madly. “I am very … very? …
very hungry
!”

“Right, then,” said Hades. “We shall see that food is prepared. And now if you will excuse me, I think I know how all of this may be concluded to everyone's satisfaction. Wife,” he said, turning around as Persephone solemnly bowed her head, “I leave her in your care.”

With that, Hades strode from the room, dismissed the shade guards, and passed through the antechamber and into the corridor. Persephone crooked her neck to watch him as long as she could, then put her finger to her lips as a sign for Alcie to be quiet, waited several seconds more, and then finally whirled around.

“Hi!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms about Alcie in a tremendous hug that nearly knocked the wind out of her. Alcie caught a faint scent of roses and lavender, and saw flickers of fuchsia and light pink in the threads of her gown.

“Oh my gods, oh my gods, oh my gods! I am so happy to see you! He says I consented to come back down here …
phah
! I begged, do you hear me, I
begged
! You know my story, right?”

“Uh,” Alcie began.

“Oh, of
course
you do! Here sit, sit!”

Persephone playfully pushed Alcie back down on the couch and plopped beside her.

“Maiden, meaning me, strolling in the fields. Big, dark, scary but handsome-in-a-pale-kinda-way god, Buster—oops, that's his nickname—I mean Hades, sees me, falls in love, and drives his chariot up through the earth from the underworld and kidnaps me, yeah, yeah. Brings me back down here, marries me—I
know,
like I had a choice—and then my mom, Demeter, Glorious Earth Mother, starts looking for me, can't find me, blights the earth with winter all year long. Bad news for mankind. Then there's this whole pomegranate-seed incident, and finally Zeus decrees that I spend six months up there, which makes Mom happy, and that's why you mortals have … c'mon, say it …”

“Uh, spring and summer?” Alcie said.

“Right! And six months down here, Mom gets weepy, and you guys get …?”

“Fall and winter.”

“Right! Okay, what
ever,
right? My mother and my husband are fighting over me … weird, huh? I
know
! Talk about issues, I
got 'em
! So it's boring enough down here, but then I have to go back home and Mom won't let me out of her sight, even for one tick on a sundial. I can't even go to the baths alone. Mothers! I
know
! Absolute torture! So can I tell you—can I just
tell
you—how thrilled I was to find out that you were down here? Someone new and
interesting
to talk to! A mortal maiden who's had a
life
! I just went right up and begged my mom to let me come back down for a little bit. Told her it would be to help you adjust until Hades gets you out of here, but really, it's for me … to keep me from going stark raving mad! I
know
, call me selfish.”

Alcie, in spite of the fact that this woman was obviously bonkers, started to smile.

“Well,” she said to Persephone, “I'm really glad you did. Thanks.”

“Are you kidding? Thank
you
! I mean, considering your whole death, or whatever this limbo state is that you're in right now, was for nothing, I figured you'd need a friend, right? A good ear to talk to about what a hateful she-dog Hera is.”

Alcie had no idea what she was hearing, exactly, but knew enough from what Persephone was saying to be shocked.

“What?”

“What do you mean ‘what'? You died, or whatever, for nothing.”

“Uh, excuse me, but I
died
because Aphrodite demanded a life in order to give up the golden apple with Lust hiding inside. What do you moldy olive, pardon me, mean it was for
nothing
? She gave the apple to Pandy, right? Pandy put Lust in the box?”

“Well, yes, ultimately she did, but the Aphrodite you saw in the temple in Aphrodisias was really Hera in disguise, and after you were dead, or whatever, she gave Pandora a clay apple.”

Alcie's jaw dropped. What did this mean? Was Pandy's quest to recapture all of the evils in the world now ruined?

“But wait! Wait!” Persephone went on. “Then the real Aphrodite appeared with the real apple, and after Pandora set Hera on fire—”

“HUH?”

“I
know
! Yep, on fire. Mom says she's still bald as an eagle egg. Anyway, after Zeus appeared and took Hera away, Aphrodite gave Pandora the real apple, so everything's fine!”

Alcie just gaped at Persephone for a long time. Then her eyes began to wander all over the room. Her thoughts were a complete jumble.

“I'm guessing you didn't know.”

“How would I? No,” Alcie said softly. “No.”

“Pandora has her dog back, so that's good, right?”

“She's got Dido?” Alcie said, tears filling her eyes with no warning at all.

“Yep! Apparently Zeus brought the dog down from Olympus himself. Mom said that Zeus told Pandora something like: if she had to lose one friend, she might as well get another back. Hera was ticked.”

“How does your mom, I mean Demeter—”

“Glorious Earth Mother.”

“Huh?”

“You have to say that after her name,” Persephone said. “Hey, I'm not making this stuff up. It's protocol. Even I have to say it … even when it's just her and me—and I'm her daughter! Okay, you don't have to say it all the time, but just say it now, in case anyone is listening. Make me feel better.”

Alcie looked at Persephone, her mouth open to say something, but she paused.

“Okaaay,” Alcie said at last. “How does Demeter, Glorious Earth Mother, know so much about it? I mean with Hera and all?”

“Because, they're best friends. They do everything together. Mom and Hera are inseparable.”

“Really?” Alcie said, a suspicion growing in her mind.

“Really! I
know
!”

Alcie was silent for a while. Then she sighed.

“You know, I think I am hungry.”

“Want a pomegranate?” Persephone said with a laugh. “Oh,
stop me
, I'm just kidding. Actually, they're not big on vegetables and fruit down here, but if we want something dead, no problem. I don't know what Buster has them preparing, but it'll be something yummy. And don't worry about the color. Everything is gray, but it's good.”

“Great. Can't wait,” Alcie said. “So, you think I'm getting out of here, right?”

“Buster says he'll do it, so he'll do it,” Persephone said, leading the way into the anteroom. “Look, if you're not supposed to be here, then it will throw everything off if you stay. Stars will collide, fire will rain down, animals will start talking, and the dead will walk the earth … your earth.”

“Really?” Alcie said, feeling bizarrely proud that she could be the cause of all of that. “Gods!”

“I
know
!”

Persephone was silent for a second, then burst out laughing.

“I'm kidding! Please! I have no idea what will happen.” Persephone giggled, moving into the corridor. “But trust me, if you're supposed to be topside, you will be.”

“Pears.” Alcie sighed. “I wish I could get word to Pandy. Just to let her know I'm coming back.”

“Oh,” Persephone said. “I can help you with that.”

“You're joking.”

“Nope. We'll just make sure the coast is clear, and then we'll go talk to Buster's Big Bowl of Borrower's Bile!”

CHAPTER THREE
Waiting

“Next.”

The first few figures all began to move forward one space, but the large, blue-robed woman standing at the very head of the line didn't budge, causing instant confusion.

“Next.”

Three wizened men, all wearing official red robes and caps, stood at posts behind a counter at the far end of the room: log books, maps, sightseeing brochures, visas, and date stamps at the ready. Two were still in conversation, going over policies and procedures with individuals on the other side of the counter, but one space was now open.

“Next.”

The vast but stuffy room was packed with immortals of every shape and size, all waiting patiently (or not) in a line that wound around itself, then stretched back out of the room and down a spiral staircase, past four floors of offices, and down into a crowded lobby. The interior of the room, which occupied the entire fifth floor of its building, was dominated by twenty-one open windows, seven each on three sides. Twenty windows were bordered by row upon row of inlaid diamonds, rubies, emeralds, topazes, amethysts, and sapphires following the curvature of the window arch. Each large gem was flawless and brilliant; the stones would catch the rays of the sun and reflect rainbows of light. But the twenty-first window was left unfinished and undecorated. When an immortal chanced to ask about the ugly window, bereft of any beauty, and why it was allowed to mar the grandeur of the room, the officials would reply that “nothing in the world should ever be perfect; it would be too much for even the immortal mind to comprehend. And, since the works of art and architecture that come closest to perfection are, of course, to be found in Baghdad, an imperfection must be built in, so that none would be driven to madness.”

The floor was an immense mosaic: tiny squares of colored stone and glass that were set in such a way as to depict the moment when Haroun al Rashid (the first of many), then Prince of Baghdad, received his crown.

But many immortals didn't bother appreciating the windows or the floor, choosing instead to spend their time in line looking up. The ceiling was a massive map, which stretched from wall to wall and laid out the entire region of Persia, including deserts, oases, cities, and seaports. The map was dotted with dozens of white, blinking lights, each one representing an immortal conducting any business in the land. Frequently, the lights would flash green and a name would appear close by, a signal that some deity had used a power, curse, or enchantment legally. Rarely, the light would flash red, indicating an illegal use of power. At that moment, the sound of much commotion and alarm bells could be heard ringing in the unseen rooms behind the great counter.

Outside the carved white marble and bloodred porphyry doors was a unique view of the rooftops, spires, and turrets of Baghdad that no human ever saw, because the huge, ornate building housing the Bureau of Visiting Deities–Department of Permits and Visas was, in fact, floating over the city, invisible to the mortal eye (although the architects had taken care to make it perceptible to flying birds, for safety reasons).

“
Next.
”

“Hey, lady, you're next!” came a call from Forseti, a mid-level Norse deity, two back from the front of the line. “Lady, he's open!”

“
Next!
”

“
Is
it a lady?” asked a Celtic tree nymph. “Because if not, I say kick him.”

“I believe it is,” said a small Chinese spirit, standing directly behind the sleeping figure. “Although I think she, or he, is bald, so it is difficult to tell.”

“Shove her out of the way,” called a minor Indian god.

From under the hooded blue cloak came a delicate snore.

“That's it!” said Forseti.

“I'm gonna start screaming!” screamed Cloacina, the Roman Goddess of the Sewers.

“Start?” sniffed Aji-Suki-Taka-Hi-Kone, covering his nose against her stench. The Japanese God of Thunder was baffled that someone or something could actually be louder than he was.

“Oh, that's great—just what I need—more noise,” said Alu. Even though the Mesopotamian demon had no legs, ears, or mouth, somehow everyone heard him.

The official who had been calling out was so shriveled in size he could barely see over the flat marble countertop; he clambered on top and surveyed the crowd.

“What's going on?” he shouted. “No one wants a permit?”

“This one won't move,” called Forseti, indicating the sleeping figure in blue, then he looked at the Chinese spirit in front of him. “Give her backside a slap, why don't you?”

“Aren't you Forseti?” asked the spirit. “Aren't you the Norse God of Justice?”

“With places to go and people to see,” he replied. “Now give her a good whack!”

“That would be impolite,” said the spirit.

“Poke her with a stick!” screamed Cloacina.

“Why don't
you
go stand close to her,” boomed the Japanese thunder god. “That would wake anyone.”

“Go around her,” purred Ailuros, an Egyptian cat deity, in line off to the side.

“The yellow line on the floor says, ‘Please do not cross until it is your turn,' ” said the spirit.

The snoring from under the blue cloak was now punctuated with grunts and snorts.

“It just became your turn!” said Forseti as he picked up the Chinese spirit and threw her over the yellow line.

Rising up off the floor, the Chinese spirit turned, her eyes narrowing into slits, her long black hair now standing on end, brushing against the high ceiling, as she summoned a magic spell to punish the one who had manhandled her. Flinging out her hands with a loud cry, the spirit produced tiny sparks at the ends of her fingers and then … nothing.

“Fool!” laughed Cloacina.

“You won't get anywhere with that nonsense,” said Forseti. “You can't. You're forgetting, that's why we're all here.”

“Oh,” said the spirit. “Of course you are correct. But you may expect to see me outside.”

“Right. I'm frightened,” laughed the god as the spirit turned to the counter.

A second space at the counter opened up and Forseti stepped easily around the sleeping, blue-robed woman. And then another bypassed her, then another. For the rest of the day, as other foreign immortals circumvented her without reservation, all wanting permission to practice their powers in Persia, Hera stood at the front of the line, deep in slumber.