Panic Attack (38 page)

Adam exited the New York State Thruway in Kingston and, using directions from a map he’d printed, found the ShopRite. It was early, before ten o’clock, but he was glad he was here, relieved he’d avoided the nightmare scenario of getting stuck on the road and missing the noon meeting time. He didn’t want to stay in a static position, though, and risk being spotted by Xan, so he drove around the area and then parked for a while in the lot of a nearby strip mall. At eleven thirty, he headed back to the ShopRite. As he entered the lot he spotted Xan in his parked car just outside the lot. He was pretty sure that Xan hadn’t seen him, but it was a close call— too close. If Xan had spotted him that would’ve been it; the whole plan would’ve been shot to hell. He should have waited across the road and watched with binoculars or something. He was angry at himself for making that slipup, and he was aware of his raging pulse. In his rush to leave the house he’d forgotten to take the Klonopin with him, and he hadn’t had a pill since last night. Klonopin was supposed to have a long half- life but, maybe because he’d doubledosed yesterday, he was already aware of possible withdrawal symptoms— severe anxiety, irritability, panic. He once had a patient who’d had a seizure when he went off Klonopin too quickly. That was all Adam needed right now, a goddamn seizure.

He pulled into a spot between a pickup truck and an SUV. This was perfect because, while most of his car was out of sight from where Xan was positioned, he could still see the back third or so of Xan’s car and he’d know when he pulled away.

Adam didn’t stop staring at Xan’s car, not even to look at his watch. He was trying to blink as little as possible, to the extent that after a while his eyes started to feel irritated.

Adam had no idea what time it was, but it had to be after twelve o’clock. Xan was probably starting to get impatient, slowly realizing that he was getting stood up.

Then Xan left, pulling away suddenly. Adam had been idling the engine of his car, but a woman was walking by in front of him, pushing a large wagon full of groceries and holding a little girl’s hand. She had another child in a BabyBjörn.

He would’ve been better off saying nothing. His tantrum made the woman stop and stare for a couple of moments, like she was looking at an insane person.
“Come on, come on!” he yelled, waving his arms frantically, and then the woman finally moved out of the way and Adam peeled out of the lot, nearly colliding with a car that was backing out of a space near the exit.
Adam spotted Xan’s car up ahead and followed from a distance as Xan made several turns. Then Xan got on a ramp and sped up as he entered US209. Adam entered as well, but he couldn’t see Xan’s car any longer, and there was a limit to how fast he could go because there were cars ahead of him on the two- lane road. He weaved in and out, into the opposing lane, but there was too much oncoming traffic to risk trying to pass the other cars. Even more troubling, he couldn’t see Xan’s car. If Xan had turned off the road that would be it— Marissa could wind up dead.
“Please, God, no,” Adam begged. “No, no, no . . .”
Klonopinless, Adam took deep breaths, trying to get hold of himself.
There was a break in the oncoming traffic, and Adam accelerated past three cars, barely making it back into the right lane and avoiding a head- on collision with a van. His heart was beating furiously when he spotted Xan’s car, about one hundred yards ahead of him.
It was hard to feel any real relief, though, as he knew that this was probably the riskiest part of his entire plan. He had to stay far enough behind that Xan didn’t realize he was being followed, but at the same time he couldn’t lose him again. It didn’t help that US- 209 was a winding road and around every bend Xan’s car seemed to disappear. After about thirty minutes, Xan turned right onto a narrower, bumpier, even curvier road. Adam lost track of Xan’s car as they passed what seemed to be an old bungalow colony. He went past a rundown tennis court and over an old, very small wooden bridge but didn’t see Xan’s car anywhere. He had a hunch that Xan had turned off the road, and he made a fast U-turn and headed back past the tennis court. He knew if his hunch was wrong it could turn out to be a fatal error, as he could have lost Xan for good, but then up ahead to the right, on top of the hill, near several decaying bungalows, Adam spotted Xan’s car.
Suddenly Adam was confident again. Following Xan rather than paying the ransom or calling the cops had been the right move after all. Everything was going the way he’d planned it last night and early this morning. He was going to save Marissa and drive her back to the city. Tonight she’d be home, safe in bed where she belonged.
Adam parked off to the side of the road at the bottom of the hill. He checked to make sure his Glock was loaded and he had more ammo, three more clips in his jacket pocket, and then he got out of the car, closing the door as softly as possible.
He didn’t want to go up the hill in plain sight along the dirt road, so he walked through the shrubbery alongside the road, crouching to stay low. He knew time was a huge factor now. He hadn’t shown up at the meeting spot, and, for all he knew, Xan was going to do exactly what he’d said he was going to do and kill Marissa. Adam had a vision of Xan with a knife, like the one he’d used to kill Dana, and he started moving fast, jogging and then running up the hill while still staying low, trying to remain out of view.
He reached the edge of the shrubbery; his arms were cut up by thorns, but he barely noticed. He took a quick look around and didn’t see Xan by his car or anywhere else, so with his right hand in his jacket pocket gripping the handle of the Glock, he jogged through the high grass and weeds toward the bungalow near where the car was parked. He went up to the side of the bungalow and waited a moment. He didn’t hear anything— not a bad sign, as anything was better than hearing Marissa’s screaming— but he hoped that he was in the right place, that Johnny and Marissa weren’t in some other bungalow or someplace else. There was also a possibility that Marissa wasn’t even here, that Johnny had come to this decrepit bungalow colony for some other reason. This would be awful, because if Johnny returned to his car alone now and drove away, Adam wouldn’t be able to make it down the hill to his own car in time to follow him.
Adam took a few steps toward the back of the bungalow and then peered through a dirty, cobwebbed window. He looked in at an old kitchen but didn’t see anyone. Then he heard a noise— it sounded like a floorboard creaking inside the bungalow— and he backed away.
He knew someone was inside the house, and he didn’t want to waste another second. He went back to the front, holding the gun out ahead of him. He hadn’t fired the Glock, or any gun, since the night he’d killed Carlos Sanchez. He saw a flash of the scene— the sound of the shots in the dark, the way the recoil had felt— but he shook it off quickly.
The front door was ajar. He opened it farther, just wide enough to get into the bungalow. He was making noise, the floorboards were creaking, but it didn’t matter anymore. His index finger was on the trigger, ready to fire.
“We’re back here, Doc.”
It was Xan’s voice. At least he was here, in the bungalow— and he’d said “we’re,” which seemed to be a good sign, too. But he sounded very casual, almost like he’d been expecting Adam. That wasn’t a good sign.
“Marissa, are you there?” Adam said. “Marissa?”
After a short pause, he heard Marissa say softly, “Yes, Daddy.”
Her voice was very weak. She sounded terrified.
“Don’t worry, honey. You’re gonna be okay, I promise.”
He approached the back room slowly, knowing this was probably some kind of trap. He knew Xan wouldn’t have told him where they were if he didn’t have something planned. Whatever it was, Adam was ready for it. There was no way he was going to let this son of a bitch hurt his little girl.
Suddenly Xan appeared ahead of him. Adam nearly fired, but just as his finger was about to squeeze the trigger, he realized that Xan wasn’t alone. He was holding Marissa in front of him, as a shield, pressing a gun up to her head.
“Hey, take it easy there, Doc,” Xan said. “Now’s not the time to get triggerhappy, if you know what I mean.”
Marissa looked absolutely terrified. Her eyes were bloodshot, her lips were trembling, and her nose was bloodied.
“Let her go,” Adam said.
“There you go again,” Xan said, “telling me what to do. When’re you gonna learn that that’s not the way this thing works?
I’m
the one who tells
you
what to do.”
Adam was aiming his gun at Xan’s head, or at least he was trying to. It was hard to keep his shooting hand steady.
“Don’t worry,” Adam said to Marissa. “It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.”
“Where’s my money?” Xan asked.
“Let her go first, then I’ll give it to you.”
Xan pressed the barrel of his gun harder into Marissa’s cheek. Marsissa started to scream, then seemed to stop herself.
Xan said to Adam, “Don’t make me ask you again.”
“It’s in my motel,” Adam said, “down the road. If you let her go we can go together, you and me, take your car if you want. Just let her go. That’s all I care about.”
“You must think I’m a real idiot, don’t you?” Xan said. “I’m some kind of moron, right? Just because you got those letters in front of your name, that makes you, what? Better than me?”
“Just give him the money!” Marissa yelled. The she said in a quieter, shakier voice, “Please, Dad . . . just give him the money. Please . . . please just give it to him.”
“He can’t give it to me,” Xan said. “You know why? Because he didn’t bring it, that’s why. Why don’t you tell her the truth, Doc? You didn’t bring any money, did you?”
Trying to aim his gun between Xan’s eyes, Adam said, “I told you, the money’s in my room.”
“You’re a lying bastard,” Xan said. “You didn’t bring any money because you wanted to handle it your way, didn’t you? You thought you could get off cheap, save your spoiled brat daughter, be the big hero. Now give me one reason why I shouldn’t kill her right now. Give me one reason.”
“Give him the money, Dad,” Marissa said, crying. “Just give it to him . . . Please, just give it to him... Please . . . Please . . .”
Part of Xan’s head was now behind Marissa’s head. Adam wasn’t sure he had a clear shot anymore.
“The police know I’m here,” Adam said because he was desperate and couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“Now
that
I seriously doubt,” Xan said. “If you called the cops they would’ve been here a long time ago, and they sure as hell wouldn’t’ve had you follow me in a bright red rental car. You really thought I wouldn’t notice you, huh? You should’ve just had a big sign on top of it—
It’s me. Here I am.
”
Marissa was sobbing.
“The cops,” Xan continued, smiling. “Come on, I knew you’d never call the cops. That isn’t your style, is it, Doc? Nah, you’re a handle- it- yourself type of dude, right? Who needs cops? Get your gun, get your name in the paper— Dr. Bloom saves the day. Except it doesn’t always work out the way you want it to, does it? Yeah, it’s just like that night in your house all over again, when you killed my brother, Carlos. He wasn’t really my brother, but he was part of my family. You know what it feels like to lose part of your family, Doc? Well, maybe you do.”
Adam wanted to shoot him, squeeze off ten rounds like when he killed Sanchez, but he remained calm, as calm as he possibly could, and said, “You can’t get away. The cops’ll be here any second. Just let her go— this is between you and me. It has nothing to do with her.”
“I’ve listened to enough of your bullshit,” Xan said. “Drop your gun or I shoot the little bitch in the head.”
Xan had shifted a little. Adam had a clear shot at his right eye.
“Let her go,” Adam said.
“Listen to you, still thinking you can tell me what to do,” Xan said. “It doesn’t matter that your daughter’s about to die. You just have to be right, don’t you?”
“Drop your gun, Dad!” Marissa shouted. “Just fucking drop it!”
Adam knew he couldn’t drop his gun. If he did, Xan would shoot him, then shoot Marissa. He was sure of it.
“If you shoot her, I’m gonna shoot you,” Adam said.
“So you really think I give a shit about that?” Xan said. “What kind of shrink are you anyway? You really have no idea who I am, do you?”
Adam thought about all those times in the range when he’d hit the bull’s-eye, and the targets were much farther away than Johnny was right now. All he had to do was hit that bull’s-eye one time . . .
“You think I’m messing with you?” Xan said. “As you know, I had no problem killing your wife, who really wanted me, by the way. Man, she was so hot for me. I really wish I had a chance to—”
Adam fired. During the millisecond between when his finger pressed the trigger and when the bullet left the gun, he was aware of his shooting hand shifting slightly downward and to the right. But it was too late to do anything about it, and he had to watch helplessly as the bullet entered Marissa’s chest.
The rest seemed to happen in super slow motion— Marissa falling, all of that blood, his realization that he’d shot his daughter. Maybe Adam had started to scream,
No,
or maybe he was just thinking about screaming it, when he heard the second shot.

Marissa had been thinking one thing all along:
Stay alive
. On the way to wherever she was now, most of the time she didn’t know whether she was asleep or awake— everything was blurred, part of the same nightmare. A few times the confusion lifted and she realized what was going on, that for some reason, Xan,
her
Xan, had drugged her and was taking her someplace.
What the fuck?
She also knew that he’d probably killed her mother, but this concept was impossible for her to comprehend. She had no idea what the hell was wrong with him, how any of this could possibly be happening, but she knew she had to do whatever she had to do to stay alive.

In the car, she tried to beg him to let her go, but he put that rag over her face, and when she woke up again, tied to a bed, she screamed and he hit her and drugged her again. She had to go to the bathroom so badly, she could barely breathe, her nose was probably broken, and he still wouldn’t let her go. She knew it was pointless to try to fight it anymore. He was too strong and she was too weak— there was no way she could possibly win. Her only option was to stay alive, to wait. Either he would kill her or someone would come to save her, but nothing she did would change the situation.