Paper Cranes (4 page)

My misfortunes with the car were probably what she needed. She hadn’t cried or shed a tear at the doctor’s office, but then again, I didn’t exactly give her time to process before I was racing out the door. I could tell she was suppressing her sadness in front of me, but it must be killing her inside. I was so thankful though. Seeing her upset would only unleash the tears I was holding at bay.

“There you are. I was beginning to worry.”

Jo gripped the door with her left palm as the right white knuckled her cell.

“Step away from the cell phone killer,” I tried to joke. “Hand over the mobile.”

Taking the phone from her gently, I could see she was one green button away from alerting the police to my disappearance via one Lee Daniels. Glad to see she had my best interest at heart.

“I was just being cautious. Why didn’t you just ask me to come get you,” Jo questioned.

“I needed a little time to myself.”

“Oh, okay.”

On any other occasion, Jo would have torn me a new asshole. She would say, “Kat, stop trying to be the hero. Ask for help every once in a while. You can’t fix every problem yourself.”

I tried though. Lord knows I was a stubborn cow.

“No big deal, Jo. I’m here now. Safe and sound,” I said giving her a half smile.

I stepped over the threshold taking in the warm aroma of the wood burning in the fireplace. The scent reminded me of my Gigi’s during the long winter nights in North Dakota. She had a giant potbelly stove that she always said reminded her of my Papa’s tummy. I could definitely go for her chocolate chess pie and warm embrace right about now.

The first time we tried lighting our fireplace, we nearly burned the house down. If we had known you needed to clean the chimney beforehand, we wouldn’t have been sitting in a pile of ash and soot.

Ahh, the joys of home ownership.

We made our way into the giant living room where the fire was ablaze, making our shadows dance against the walls. My outstretched hands made contact with the heat, comforting my body. I stared into the swirling flames as JoJo went to get our cocoa.

“Here you go,” she pushed the #Nerd mug into my already toasty hands.

Looking down, the mug was filled with whipped cream, cinnamon sprinkles and marshmallows; just the way I liked it. I had never been a coffee drinker. The beverage made me feel old, as if I were conforming to the Starbucks hype of the world. There was a sense of innocence with cocoa, a reflection to never take yourself too seriously.

“Looks good, Jo.”

I cupped the mug in both hands as we took a seat on the couch. It hadn’t hit me until we were seated and I was looking into Jo’s eyes.

I, was dying.

I needed to savor these moments with people I loved. I wasn’t sure how quickly or slowly this beast would move, but I didn’t want to leave without making sure the people I love knew it.

“I love you, Jo. You know that right?”

“Yeah, I do,” she tried to avoid eye contact as she swirled her marshmallows around in her cup.

“No. Listen to me. I love you like a sister. I need you to know that.”

“Don’t you dare begin to say your goodbyes to me, bitch.”

“But…”

“Screw your buts right now. You are here, with me, right now. Don’t.”

“I’m terrified, Jo. I know what’s coming and I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”

I watched her eyes fill with tears, while putting my mug on the coffee table. Curling into her lap, I let the tears flow. Jo rubbed my back despite the fact that I was soaking her pants. She allowed me to truly feel the horror and devastation of the matter.

“I know, baby. I know. Let it all out,” she stated as I heard her own words hitch in her voice.

When I woke it was sometime in the afternoon. I sat up confused as to what day or time it was. Then it hit me, not even sleep would make this nightmare go away. I had cried for so long and so hard that I eventually passed out. I hadn’t done that since I was a toddler.

“Hey there sleepy head,” Jo chirped as she stoked the fire. Placing another log on, I watched the firefly embers fly out of the charred pieces of wood.

“What time is it?” I yawned.

“Almost three in the afternoon. You’ve been asleep for a good portion of the day. I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Man that felt good. I haven’t slept like that in a long time,” I said.

“I was cleaning up around here and noticed this had fallen out of your bag. Where did you get this?” Jo asked as she extracted the paper crane from her pocket.

“Oh nothing,” I tried to blow it off, yet still reaching for the creation.

“Hell no. I want details. Does it have anything to do with that Lee character – the guy from the license?” She smirked, hoping the topic would bring on a better conversation then before.

“He was just being polite Jo. He said I needed a little work…”

“Ohhh?”

“…under my hood”

“Uh huh.”

“…of my car, silly.”

“I’m sure that’s not all he wants to check out,” she smirked with raised eyebrows.

“Jo, this isn’t the best time to be trying to date a guy,” I flinched.

“Why not?”

“Umm, maybe because I just found out I have a terminal illness. Is that not a feasible excuse?”

“Excuse, yes. Feasible, no. I know this situation isn’t exactly ideal, but you can’t let it be the wedge between you and still living your life. Sure, it sucks. Correction, it really fucking sucks, but you still have a hell of a lot to do and accomplish, baby cakes.”

She was right. Fuck, I hate it when she’s right.

“But what if it gets serious and I end up getting attached. How am I going to explain to him that if he truly cares for me, he’ll have to endure the most excruciating breakup of his life? I could have prevented that too. How is that fair to him?”

“Woah now. You just went from phone number and a date to marriage and a funeral. You need to slow down and take a deep breath. No need putting the cart before the horse. Maybe this is exactly what you need in your life – a distraction.”

“Ugh, I don’t know. I need to get a handle on these emotions first before I attempt to find a ‘distraction’.” I motion with quotations.

“Okay, I agree. In your haste to leave, Dr. Mather gave me some reading material I think you should look at. I’m not saying now, but there are meetings for individuals in your situation. It might be worth having a looksy.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready for that just yet. I mean, I haven’t even told my boss,” I said hesitantly.

“Well, when and if you are ready, I will go with. They state right here you can bring as many people as you need if it helps.”

“Thanks, Jo. I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”

I had no intention of going anytime soon. The thought of being in a room with people who were in the same boat or progressed through their disease was depressing. I’m already a mess, why the hell would I subject myself to further torture?

No thanks!

Three weeks had passed quicker than I had imagined. After breaking the news to my boss, I was emotionally drained. I had finally gotten to the point where I could be around people in public without having a complete mental breakdown.

I had a second opinion, where he only confirmed my prognosis. The second time around didn’t hurt as much. Still fucking hurt, but definitely didn’t hurt as much. The second doctor’s prognosis was a little more uplifting and a little less sad. After the initial ambush, I was never going to an appointment alone again. Not that it could get any worse, but I refused to be a victim again.

“You know Kat. This never gets easier having to tell someone this news,” Dr. North stated as he cupped my hand. “I’m usually a good judge of character and I know you are a wonderful person.”

“Thanks, Dr. North,” I stated with judgment in my throat.

“It breaks my heart having to tell young people this news. I mean, why couldn’t some other asshole down the road get it. Leave this horrible disease to those people, right? But you, my dear, you are a warrior, I can feel it. I know I’m the second opinion, but please keep me informed.”

There was something in his very demeanor that put my soul at ease. I had a new found confidence I thought I had lost. I may be losing this battle, but I couldn’t give up altogether. People still needed and relied on me.

I gave Dr. North a huge hug for handling the conversation so graciously. Perhaps I needed the cold-hearted Dr. first in order to appreciate Dr. North’s warm character. He reminded me of my Gigi and her ability to calm even the darkest of storms.

“I think I’m ready to check out these support groups,” I stated very nonchalantly as we made our way to our cars.

JoJo stopped dead in her tracks, “That sounds amazing! I mean, I think it could really be good for you.”

“I hope so,” I said hesitantly.

“You know what?” Jo asked.

“What’s that JoJo?” I asked as we turned toward one another.

Taking my hands into her own, “I’m really proud of you, Kat.”

Dropping her hands, “Oh shut the hell up.” I was never good in situations such as these. Declarations of love and admiration made me extremely uncomfortable.

Reclaiming my hands, “Would you stop being a total bitch and let me say this. I can’t even begin to imagine or comprehend what you are going through, but you are amazing. If I could, I would take this pain away from you in a heartbeat. It’s just not fair. You are dealing with this with such grace…I just…”

Instead of responding, I took Jo into my arms and hugged her with everything I had. Not only was this horrible disease attacking me, but it was robbing the people I loved with its wicked ways. Jo was right; it wasn’t fair. Nothing about this shitty situation was fair, but who ever said life was fair?

I pulled Jo away at arm’s length, looking into her glistening eyes. Wiping tears from our cheeks, I threw my arm around her neck. We walked, devoid of words. Nothing needed to be said in that moment.

How the hell am I going to get through this, not to mention my friends and family?

The night of my first meeting I was terrified. Racing around my room, I flung clothes over my shoulder and onto the bed where Jo was sitting. Swimming in a sea of clothes, she giggled at my pathetic attempt at playing it cool.

“Damn, girl. You act like you’re going on a date. Oh my God, what if they’re some hot guys there?”

I dropped everything in my arms, swiveling around to give her a look from hell. “Really, Jo?”

“What? You never know when the love bug will hit. All I’m saying is, entertain the idea at least.”

“Jo, I love you. I do, but what the fuck? From what I’ve learned over the past few weeks, ALS is usually common in older people. So, unless I’m shacking up with Willie Nelson himself, I don’t see this as a dating opportunity.”

“So why are you so adamant on looking perfect?”

I stopped what I was doing and wrestled with the fabric in my hands. “It’s going to sound so stupid.”

“Try me,” she sat up, crossing her legs and giving me raised eyebrows.

“I just… I just don’t want people to feel bad for me. Like, I still have my shit together and I’m doing okay right now.”

“Well, you need to throw the bs out the window right now. There are going to people there in all stages of this disease and one-upping them isn’t the way to go. Be you. Be real. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. If anything, these people may know you better than you think.”