Parno's Destiny: The Black Sheep of Soulan: Book Two (31 page)

“By your command, madam,” Karls stood and bowed, then took her arm.

“We'll go explore the barns,” he winked at Parno, only to get a slap on the arm from Dhalia.

“We'll do no such thing!” she squealed, her face beet red.

“Go on, enjoy yourselves,” Parno ordered. “Take what time we have,” he added softly. The two departed, leaving Parno with Stephanie and Edema.

“Did you have anything to do with that?” Edema asked once they were out of earshot.

“No,” Parno shook his head as he sat back. “I had made my own arrangements with Memmnon to see that she was taken care of, but Tammon the Terrible did this of his own volition.”

“Parno!” Stephanie gasped. “Have some respect.”

“That was my respect,” Parno told her evenly. “I should tell you both as well that I am now officially the owner of Cove Canton and the surrounding area,” he added quietly. “Allowed to choose my own title, even.”

“Parno, that's wonderful!” Edema exclaimed. “You'll be nearby even after the war.”

“That is possible,” he nodded absently. “Anyway,” he forced himself to brighten. “I'm glad he allowed me to be the one to inform Dhalia. That has brightened my day considerably.”

“Did your day need brightening that badly?” Edema asked. Before Parno could answer, Stephanie interrupted.

“Edema, will I be in my usual room tonight?”

“Of course dear,” Edema nodded. “It's always there for you.”

“If you don't mind I'd like to go and freshen up,” she said evenly. “Will you excuse me,” she looked to Parno.

“Of course,” he smiled gently. “Hurry back,” he added as she departed. She smiled slightly over her shoulder and disappeared into the house.

“Parno, you are going to have to start being more careful of your words,” Edema said at once.

“What? Why?” Parno looked bewildered. “What did I do?” The
now
part of the question was unspoken but still there.

“It should be Stephanie that 'brightens' your day, Parno,” Edema fought the urge to sigh in exasperation.

“She does,” Parno agreed. “Why should that mean that giving Dahlia some good news can't also make me happy? She's as close to me as any sister could be. Certainly more so than my own.”

“I know but that's not my point,” Edema replied. “That young woman is very taken with you, Parno, and you know it. And I believe you are with her in equal measure. Now,” she leaned forward. “Am I wrong?”

“About me?” Parno shrugged. “No. But. . . .” he stopped for a moment, his gaze wandering across the landscape around Edema's home.

“I'm not a good prospect for her, Edema,” he said finally, turning his gaze back to her. “She's a wonderful woman. Someone I could easily lose myself in, to be honest. Smart, brave, strong and strong willed, and obviously beautiful.”

“Then why is there a 'but' in this conversation?” Edema demanded. “Why are you not courting her as is proper?”

“Edema we're at war,” Parno reminded her. “A war that we're still losing. I may be able to turn that around soon, but then again I may not. And I have other enemies much closer to home, as well. I may not live out the war. Hell I may not live out the year,” he said grimly.

“Now you tell me,” he looked at the woman who was as much a mother to him as if she had raised him. “Is that any kind of future to offer her? Link her to a man with my reputation only to see her left a widow, or worse left the 'woman' of Parno McLeod? Her reputation and standing in the circles she travels in would be destroyed. That's not right, or fair.”

Edema smiled gently at Parno's words. She knew she had been right.

“Parno, don't you think she's considered all of that already?” she asked softly. “Don't you imagine that she's played over everything that can happen in her mind, waiting every day to hear word if you're alive or not? She visits me on a regular basis and her loneliness for you is no less than Dhalia's for Karls Willard. She is almost desperate for any kind of sign from you that you reciprocate her feelings, and you are completely avoiding giving her that sign. Deliberately.”

“I had at first thought that you simply weren't aware, but now I think you are aware, which means you either don't care or that you are afraid,” Edema told him. “I know that you care, dear child. You may can hide it from her, but not from me. So that means you are afraid.”

“If you fear death on a battle field, which I doubt, then that is not reason enough to withhold your affection from her, Parno. There are hundreds of thousands of men on those same battlefields, and many of them have women at home hoping and praying for their safe return. She will not be alone in that.”

“I know that,” Parno almost whispered. “I'm the reason most of them don't return, remember?” he looked up at her sharply. “Every time I issue an order, men die, Edema. No matter what I do, no matter how carefully I plan, men die. Every time. I can't stop it, I can't even diminish it, and soon I'll actually make it much worse.” He leaned his head back against the chair, looking at the roof of the porch.

“Before this is over, I will be responsible for no telling how much death and destruction. I may even be forced to kill my own brother and sister for plotting against the crown.” He looked back to her abruptly.

“Now is that the kind of man she deserves?” he demanded, though not unkindly. “Is that the kind of man that deserves her heart? I think not, Edema.”

“That is not for you to decide, Parno,” Edema shot back at once. “Her heart is her own, to give to whom she wishes. You can accept it or not, but if you turn her away because you don't believe she's made a smart decision, then you call everything she does into question. You insult her intelligence if you think she isn't fully aware of what's fallen on your shoulders. She may not like it, nor do I if I'm honest, but she's aware. She can't not be, surrounded by wounded men and soldiers training to join you in battle.”

“I'm not saying she isn't intelligent,” Parno defended himself. “She obviously is or she wouldn't be a doctor, would she? I'm just saying that I'm a miserable, poor choice for a suitor for any woman, let alone one of her quality.”

“You sell yourself short, child,” Edema shook her head, almost scolding him. “You are more than a stupid reputation, no matter how well earned it was. And there are very few, now, who speak of you with other than deep respect. Your actions at the Gap alone have seen to that.”

Parno considered that, mind working furiously. Was he being unfair to Stephanie even while trying to be as fair and thoughtful of her as possible? Edema was right in that Stephanie was intelligent enough to know what she was getting into with someone like Parno. She was quite possibly the smartest woman of her age Parno had ever known.

And perhaps his reputation was beginning to wear away. He had worked diligently to put it behind him, knowing that only good service at this point in his life would undo the damage of his childish behavior before.

He sighed, rubbing his face in a scrubbing motion with both hands. He finally looked at Edema and nodded.

“All right,” he told her. “I'll try,” he said simply. “I'm not good at that kind of thing, but I'll try my best.”

“Just be yourself, dear,” Edema beamed. “Just be yourself. That's who she loves, after all,” she almost whispered as Stephanie reappeared. Parno felt like a heel when he noted the carefully disguised redness around her eyes. Was he really that bad?

“I need to step away for a bit,” Edema told them, standing. “I have to make sure that we have enough food cooking for so many. We are roasting a beef this afternoon, which will be excellent. We've killed the fattened calf since the prodigal has come home,” she smiled.

“Ha ha,” Parno laughed half-heartedly. Edema departed, leaving the two younger people alone.

“Stephanie,” Parno said. She looked at him immediately, and he had to fight a wince at the look in her eyes.

“Yes?”

He didn't know what he'd intended to say, but the look in her eyes made him forget all about it.

“Would you like to take a walk with me?” he said instead, standing and offering her his hand.

“I'd like that very much,” she smiled despite her surprise, taking the offered hand. Parno led her off the porch, then walked side-by-side in silence for a few minutes, gathering his thoughts and thinking about what Edema had said to him. Maybe she was right?

“Stephanie, I-”

“You don't have to say anything, Parno,” Stephanie said softly, cutting him off gently. “I already know.”

“Know what?” he asked, confused.

“That you don't return my feelings for you,” she said flatly. “Edema and Dhalia had convinced me that you did, and I've made a fool of myself today over your return, and I'm sorry for that. Please forgive me.”

“They did, did they?” Parno mused. “Well, it just so happens, Doctor, that they were right,” he said it before he thought. “At least, I have feelings for you. I don't know your exact feelings for me, of course, so I can't say that I return them. I never thought of this as something you could measure,” he smiled at the ground before looking up at her, tightening his grip on her hand slightly.

“I've been unfair to you I think,” he decided to follow Edema's advice, especially since she had worked so hard to put him and Stephanie together. “I've been trying to be more than fair, in my defense. To protect you from my-”

“Parno McLeod if this is some kind of 'weaker vessel' speech then you better stop, right there,” Stephanie warned darkly, storm clouds brewing suddenly in eyes that seconds ago were laced with sadness.

“Could I finish?” he asked, and her eyebrows rose as she nodded.

“Protect you from my somewhat tarnished reputation,” he continued. “Not to mention the fact that the odds are somewhat favorable that I won't survive the war. I have enemies on every side, Stephanie, and not all of them are from the north, either. And I can't always be watching all of them. I surround myself with capable people, but it only takes one mistake,” he shrugged.

“The last thing I would ever want in the entire kingdom would be for you to be hurt, in any way, because of me. Whether it's being left alone after I'm. . .gone, or by someone trying to get to me through you. That's what I've sought to protect you from. That is not a 'weaker vessel' argument, but a simple statement of fact. Another statement of fact is that I am almost certain that I'm in love with you,” he admitted in a near rush.

“Almost certain?” she asked, more to cover her shock than anything else.

“I've never had much experience in love, Stephanie,” he shrugged. “I've only ever loved three people, really, and all of them were like family, not. . .not romantically, if that's the proper term. Edema is like a mother to me, has treated me so much better than my own family that I would kill anyone who offended her and die defending her.”

“Dhalia is more a sister to me than Sherron could ever think of being, and someone else that I would die for without thought. And her father might as well have been my own. He raised me from the time I was out of diapers for the most part, turning down promotions and good postings to stay with me because he knew I needed him. When I said I would gladly take his place, I meant it.”

“I know you did,” she nodded slowly, her voice soft. “So does Dhalia.”

“The point is, all of that is familial in nature,” Parno told her. “I've never had. . .I have never felt for anyone the things I do for you,” he admitted with difficulty. “I'm sometimes confused by those feelings, distracted by them even.” He smiled suddenly.

“When I was in Shelby not long ago, I met a very capable woman named Evelyn McKenzie. She lives south of Shelby in a place called DeSoto, and operates an observation and listening post on her land that lies along the Great River. She came to lunch one day at Raines' invitation so I could speak to her. Because of my talk with her I've ordered that women be considered for all such posts if they are interested.”

“She must have made quite an impression,” Stephanie fought to keep her voice even.

“She did,” Parno ignored the tension in her voice. “She had a daughter, maybe two years younger than me. Pretty girl, much like her mother. Smart, hard working. She had no interest in me until she discovered who I was. After that it was almost comical to watch her maneuver, and watch her mother work to keep her away from me.”

“I'm sure,” Stephanie's voice had an acidic quality to it now.

“Thing is, when I looked at her daughter, I started comparing her to you without much thought,” he told her, smiling at her discomfiture. “In fact almost any woman I meet ends up being compared to you, and always falling short. No matter how smart, how attractive, whatever the case may be, they always fail to measure up to you.”

“What I'm trying to say is that you dominate my thinking, Stephanie. No matter where I look or what I'm doing I always seem to find something or someone who reminds me of you or makes me think of you. I've heard it said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I'm convinced that is very true, because I have missed you a great deal.”

“You have a funny way of showing it,” she replied, not quite testily. She wanted to believe. So much.

“No, I have a way of avoiding it,” Parno did not allow her comment to detract him. “When I'm afraid of something, I avoid it,” he admitted. “I don't know what else to do, in all honesty. And the way I feel about you scares me.”