Past Imperfect (5 page)

Clearing her throat, voice shaky, she says, “I’m almost done in here if you need to use it.”

I open my eyes and see the same look I saw the other night. She wants to bolt, but the overachiever in her is keeping her sweet little ass glued to the chair.

“I don’t need to use the library.”

“Then did you need something?”

“You,” I say.

I push off of the doorframe and head toward her as she gets up to leave. I block her and she backs up from me, but the built-in bookshelves stop her from moving farther away. I get directly in front of her, placing my hands on either side of her shoulders. I lean in as close as possible without touching her. Her eyes are frantic. She doesn’t want to look at me.

“Brad, I need to go. I have a lot of work to do.”

“It’s Friday, you have the entire weekend to work. Stop doing this,” I say.

“What?” She still won’t look at me.

“Avoiding me. Talk to me, Mabry,” I insist.

“I don’t have anything to say.”

“Then you listen to me.” Her eyes inadvertently dart up to mine and I capture her gaze. I lean in so close that I’m within a hair’s-breadth of her face. “I’ve given you space for the past couple of days because I know when I told you I loved you it freaked you out.”

“Stop saying that.” She tries to shift her gaze away, but can’t.

“Why should I?”

“Because we had a deal. We were supposed to stay casual, fun, and breezy. Nothing serious. You knew that going into this.” Her breathing picks up.

“Things change, Sweetness.”

“Not for me.”

“Bullshit.” The look of surprise on her face almost makes me smile. “I know you have strong feelings for me, Mabry.”

“Of course I like you, Brad. I wouldn’t have had sex with you if I didn’t like you somewhat.”

The corners of my mouth turn up into a slight grin. I lower the tone of my voice like when I talk dirty to her. “You more than like me
somewhat
, Sweetness. I see how your eyes immediately dart toward me when I walk into a room.” I feel a shiver radiate off her body and I feel myself growing harder.

“Don’t flatter yourself. I have a nervous twitch.”

“I see the way your talented tongue slowly slides out and over your bottom lip while you watch me eat during the weekly breakfast meetings. You can’t keep your eyes off my mouth. Tell me, are you thinking about how much pleasure it’s given you?” Her gaze quickly zeroes in on my mouth as she releases a deep sigh.

“I have severely dry lips. I’m not thinking about you. I’m thinking about Chapstick.”

“I bet I can help you get moist.” She takes in one extremely deep breath that pushes her hard nipples against the silky material of her shirt and my chest. It takes my eyes a second to decide where they want to land, her lips, her eyes, or down her shirt where I can see the swell of her tits. I swallow hard before continuing. “I see the way you squirm in your chair when I walk by you.”

“I have hemorrhoids. The condition runs in my family.”

I can’t help my laughter as I say, “I love your mouth.” Mabry breaks eye contact and focuses on my chest. “What are you thinking about?”

“Nice tie.”

“Thanks. Do you recognize it?” Her eyes meet mine. “It’s the one I used the night we played Fifty. Remember, I tied you to the headboard and ate ice cream off your body?” I watch as she bites her lower lip slightly and swallows. “You have one more day, Mabry.”

“Before what?”

“Before I become relentless.” I look into her eyes to make sure she understands what I mean before pushing away and walking out of the room.

I stay completely still until I know he’s out of the room. I slowly let out a breath and try to pull myself together. I have been with a few guys. Well, more than a few over the years, but no one has ever affected me like Brad. Everything about him turns me on, his body, his charm, his intellect, and his humor. Since the first time I saw him my body had a chemical reaction to him. I had been attracted to guys before, but what I felt toward Brad was different, deeper.

Obviously, the first thing I noticed was his physical appearance. I remember my first day at the firm. When I walked into the meeting he was in, I felt a charge of electricity even before laying eyes on him. Standing by the window, he was talking to a colleagues before the meeting started. He wore black dress pants, a crisp white button-down shirt, with a sapphire blue tie that matched the color of his piercing eyes. His dirty-blond hair was cut short, but not tailored. It looked as if he ran his hand through it a few times and let the strands land wherever they wanted. That coupled with the always present stubble that ran along his strong chiseled jaw gave him a bit of a bad boy edge even while wearing a suit. His chunky watch and Duke University ring caught the sunlight as he raised his coffee to his full lips. Brad screamed masculinity and sex. Even in his business attire I could tell his body was unbelievable because of the way he moved and the confidence that radiated off of him. The first time I saw him shirtless confirmed my suspicions. There was no part of his body that wasn’t cut and toned. It was all a beautiful sight, but my favorite parts were his torso and arms. From the top of his shoulders all the way to his V was perfection. Just thinking about every ripple and indentation got me hot.

When we started working together there was a continuous charge between us. The first time he flirted with me, I nearly melted. The first time he kissed me, I knew I needed more. The first time we had sex was the first time I felt every part of it. With other guys I simply went through the motions. Sex was another way to numb myself from the hurt in my life. It helped a little, but at some point during the act my mind drifted back to the reason why I was lying under the guy. The very first time I was with Brad, I stayed focused on the present, on him, and how incredible he made me feel.

I could feel his intense gaze on me earlier even before I looked up. My body reacts to his presence. Just his voice almost made me come undone. I need to put a stop to things getting more out of hand than they already are. I need distance. I was stupid to have thought I could have something casual with him seeing as how he affects me, mind, body, and soul. There’s something between us, a deep connection, as if we were supposed to find each other in this life.

At first, I thought I was safe with him because I had heard how he used women to pass the time away. When he was done he was done, nothing messy. Our relationship was supposed to be only physical, a release, and a distraction. Somehow it has never been just that, though. We go out to dinner, concerts, and movies. I’m not seeing anyone else, nor do I want to, and neither is Brad.

Jesus, are we dating?

My intention was to keep turning him down until he got bored and moved on, but he was relentless with his flirting, his sweetness, and charm. He turned out to be more than I expected. Brad makes me feel special, wanted, and connected to someone. I haven’t felt any of those things since before my mom got sick. One day I gave in and kissed him. Since then it’s been a constant struggle to keep him at arm’s length because I crave him and I’m scared to death I’m starting to need him. But I can’t have him.

Self-harming helps me keep my emotions under control. Since Brad and I started being friends with benefits, it’s become harder to keep my emotions in check. Only a couple of weeks into our “arrangement
”
we were ending a meeting with a very attractive middle-aged female client. As we left the conference room I noticed she slipped her hand under his jacket and placed it on his ass. He didn’t react at all. He simply stepped away from her reach. The intensity of my anger and jealousy surprised me. I hadn’t felt anything that strong in a long time. My first instinct was to grab her and start yanking her bleached blond hair out. Of course, I didn’t. I went into the bathroom and plucked as many strands out of my head as needed until I calmed down. I pull my hair when I’m away from home instead of banging my head. It’s a quick fix and takes the edge off of my anxiety without drawing attention. I just pop into a restroom or close my office door, and pull as many strands as needed to get numb. I knew I should have ended things with him before now, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I walk into my office and grab my cell. I have to do something to show Brad that there is no point in him making an effort with me. He wouldn’t give up simply because I ask him to. Besides, deep down I don’t think I’m strong enough to keep him at arm’s length for very long. I hadn’t done a very good job of that before and that’s why I’m in this mess. I glance at the time before scrolling through the numbers in my phone. He picks up on the second ring.

“Hey, you just made my day,” he says in his deep baritone.

“Hey Ten. I hope I’m not catching you at a bad time.”

“Mabry, there’s never a bad time when you’re involved.” Ten is a bit much, but still he’s nice enough.

“I know it’s late to be asking you this, but I was wondering if you had any plans for tonight?” My voice is a little louder than normal. I glance up at my open door, hoping Brad overhears.

“Um… I did, but I’ll change them.”

“No, you don’t have to do that.”

“Mabry, I was just going to hang out with some friends, but I’d much rather spend the night with you.” I can hear the smile of self-satisfaction in his voice. He really is kind of a douche.

“Okay, I still have about a half hour left of work to finish, how about you come by the office and we can walk to one of the nearby restaurants.”

“Sounds great,” he responds.

“Great, I’ll notify the security guard you’ll be coming. Just come on up to my office when you get here.”

“Mabry?”

“Yes?”

“I’m really glad you called,” he says in a low voice.

“Me too, Ten. See you in a little while.”

I press End and close my eyes, taking in another deep breath. I knew Brad would be here until I left. He’s not the type to leave me alone in this big building. I don’t want to hurt him, but it’s better he gets the message now that we can’t have a long-term serious relationship.

Right at 6:30 there is a soft knock on my door. I look up to see Ten standing there in a light blue button-down shirt and khaki pants. He’s really a nice looking guy with short black hair and dark eyes, but he’s not as tall or as built as Brad. I’ve never seen Ten without a shirt on, but I can tell his body is nowhere near as sexy as Brad’s. Ten doesn’t ooze sex the way Brad does.

What’s going on with me? I need to stop comparing the two of them. This is about pushing Brad away from me, not about me being attracted to Ten, which I’m not even the slightest bit.

“Hey, right on time,” I say, looking up smiling slightly.

“I’d never be late coming to see you, Bright Eyes. Ready?” he asks, as he walks farther into my office.

“Sure.” I put my heels back on that I had kicked off under my desk and grab my purse. Passing by Ten I feel his hand touch the small of my back. No shiver or catch in my breath. Absolutely no physical reaction
. Good.

As we walk toward the elevator I hear a throat clearing. I glance back, knowing it’s Brad. We make brief eye contact as I give him a tight smile.

“Mabry, my office, now!” Brad demands, his voice flat.

I nervously look back and forth between Brad and Ten. “Ten, you remember Brad?”

“Sure, how’s it going?” Ten walks toward Brad with his hand extended. Brad turns back to his office completely ignoring him.

“We’re just heading out to dinner. Can it wait until Monday?” I ask.

“No!” Brad yells over his shoulder.

Ten looks over at me. “Looks like it can’t wait.”

“I guess not. I’m sorry. I won’t be long.”

“I’ll hold the elevator.”

“Thanks,” I say.

Brad’s in front of his desk, arms across his chest, staring at me. The look on his face is intense. He’s pissed.
Good.

“Shut the door.”

“Brad…”

“Shut. The. Fucking. Door.” His voice is strained, controlled, and commanding. It makes my pulse speed up and causes shivers to run through my body. I love his commanding tone. I grab on to the chair beside me to steady myself. “Why is Sir Douche here?”

“I told you. We’re going to dinner.”

“No you’re not.” He holds me in place with his sapphire blue eyes.

“Excuse me? I’m a grown woman and can go out with whomever I want.”

“Why are you doing this? I’m not playing these fucking games with you.”

“I’m not playing, either. This doesn’t have anything to do with you, Brad. Christ, you think the world revolves around you.” I need to end this and get out before I cave. Brad is my weakness. “Have a good weekend. I’m out of here.” I turn to leave when his words stop me.

“Don’t go. I’ve never had anyone in my life like you, Mabry. You’re mine.” His voice is soft and low, causing my heart to skip a beat. I have to be strong.

I let out a deep sigh before turning to face him. My look matches the coldness of my voice. “I’m not yours or anyone’s. We’re not living in a lame romance novel. You and I were never more than fuck buddies. That was our deal. It’s not my fault you went all pussy on me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and get acquainted with my new buddy.” I turn abruptly and leave his office as quickly as possible. I can’t bear to see the effect my words have on him.