Patient Privilege (19 page)

She slowly lifted her eyes from the page. Her brow arched and her mouth rounded into a silent "oh".

"Exactly."

"But you handled it, right?"

Erik laughed sarcastically. "If it were only that easy." He took another sip of coffee before sitting back in the chair and crossing his arms. His eyes searched her face for a long, silent moment. "A part of me wishes he wasn't my patient, Melody. I wish I'd met him somewhere else. God, I want to help him so badly, not only with his addiction, but with his heart. I want to show him he's worthy of being loved, not just used. I want to… I want to hold him and take care of him."

"But he's your patient, and you can't."

"Exactly."

"And that's why you want to run back to the bottle?"

"Yes. Well, no. That's not all of it." With a sigh, Erik ran his fingers through his thick brown hair, leaving messy tracks amongst the carefully gelled perfection. "Do you remember Marshall?"

"Your ex-partner?"

"Yes." Melody nodded. Erik's fingers toyed with his empty coffee cup. "He has recently popped back into my life, says he wants me to move back to San Francisco so we can be together again."

"Okay?"

"Melody, I realized the other night that Marshall drove me to drinking. I mean, I enjoyed the occasional cocktail every now and again, but he pushed me overboard. Being with him turned me into a drunk. Our relationship wasn't healthy for either of us. I don't think I can do it again."

"Then don't."

"Oh, sweetie, that's so much easier said than done. I have no willpower when it comes to Marshall." Erik looked up at the ceiling. It seemed so much easier than looking Melody in the eyes. Yes, he was ashamed Marshall had so much power over him and even more ashamed of the purely romantic reasons behind it.

"I still love him," Erik breathed, his voice filled with a confusion that made sense to him and him alone. "If I thought for one second we could be in a healthy relationship, I would go back to San Francisco, but I know better. I know if I go back there, I'll just be setting myself up to fall down again."

Melody reached across the table, laying her hand over his. She leaned in a little closer and said in a voice so low only he could hear, "Erik, you have to think about yourself this time. You have to put your needs and wants in front of anyone else's."

"See, that's the thing. I want Marshall back in my life, I really do. I never stopped loving that man, but I know he'll break me. I think it finally clicked for me the other night. I am nothing but sex for him. He thinks he loves me, but it's the sex he loves. I am safe and comfortable to him. He doesn't have to try with me, and he knows I won't reject him. That has to be it, Melody. Why else would he just pop up out of the blue like that?"

Melody shrugged just as Erik's phone began ringing. He looked down at the screen and mumbled, "Speak of the devil."

"Marshall?"

"Yep."

"Are you going to take it?"

Erik sighed. "Of course I am. I'll be right back," he said as he stood from the table and headed toward the door. About halfway through the crowd, he answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, baby," Marshall said from the other end. Erik stepped out to the street, away from the noisy crowd of people, though there was a steady stream of cars zipping by. It wasn't a huge improvement in the noise department, but at least he could hear Marshall's devastating voice more clearly. "Where are you?"

"Having coffee with a friend."

"What friend?"

Erik wasn't so blinded by love that he didn't hear the curiosity in Marshall's voice. It almost made him laugh. "Melody. She's just a friend."

"Oh." Marshall paused. Erik knew Marshall's tendency to get jealous better than anyone. "I have good news."

"Yeah?" Erik turned so he could see Melody sitting at their table, watching him as he talked to the one person who could be his utter ruin.

"I'll be in town next week. I'm staying longer this time. Isn't that great?"

"That's… that's perfect."

"You don't sound too thrilled, Erik."

In all honesty, he wasn't, but he would never tell Marshall that. Erik hugged the phone to his ear as he paced a small circle near the edge of the sidewalk. Occasionally, he would look over to see Melody still watching him. "No, I just… I have a lot of things on my mind right now. I'm having trouble with a patient."

"What kind of trouble?"

Now how could he possibly tell Marshall about Angel? How was he supposed to tell his ex-partner—on-again-off-again lover—another guy found him attractive, that the other guy kissed him despite there being very clear rules regarding that type of interaction with patients? How could he bring himself to face what happened and approach it with dignity and professional thinking?

"He has apparently developed certain feelings for me and I need to deal with that as carefully and honestly as I can."
But leave out the way I'm starting to feel about him.

"How do you know? Did he tell you?"

"Well." Heat flushed Erik's face. He did
not
want to be having this conversation with his ex. Taking a deep breath, he looked back through the window to Melody, who still sat patiently sipping her coffee. "He kissed me."

"No!" Marshall gasped. It sounded more like shock than an admonition. "What did you do? Did you kiss him back?"

"No." Well, that wasn't exactly true. "I told him he couldn't do that. I'm his doctor. There's this line of ethics I can't cross. I had to counsel him. He pretty much told me he's attracted to me. Marshall, I don't want to stop being his doctor, but I can't keep him as a patient if he truly feels that way toward me."

"Then give him to someone else. Break the ties with him. Maybe he'll get over you since he can't have you anyway."

For whatever reason, that rubbed Erik the wrong way. What if he did want to be with Angel? Marshall sure as hell had no right to tell him he couldn't. They weren't together, and the way things looked right now, they'd never be together again.

"Yeah," Erik said with little inflection in his voice. "Look, I need to get back to Melody, okay? I'm being rude."

"Okay," Marshall said. "Well, I'll see you in a week. I love you."

"Love you too," Erik blurted just before he hung up the phone.

He wound back through the maze of people and tables, back to the other side of the coffee shop where Melody patiently waited. He sank down in the seat across from her, propped his elbows on the table and buried his head in his palms.

A long moment of silence passed between them. Erik just needed a minute or two to process everything, to think things through or else he'd start blurting out random, nonsensical bullshit. Finally, his head popped up and his gaze met Melody's. His jaw clenched and he shook his head.

"Marshall is going to be here in a week. I told him about my patient, about his crush."

"What did he say?"

"Pass him on to someone else. That the kid couldn't have me anyway."

"And you said?"

"Nothing, of course. I told him I had to go. The thing is, I can't just dump the kid on someone else. I promised him and his best friend I would help him. I can't give up on him now. And who the hell does Marshall think he is, telling me whom I can and can't have?"

"Sounds like you need to set him straight, sweetie." Melody reached over and touched Erik's hand again. An absolute seriousness filled her otherwise light and carefree eyes, a side of her Erik had never really gotten used to. In a soft, non-confrontational voice, she said, "Whatever you do, whatever you decide, do it for you. You have to make yourself happy first. You have to look out for your well-being above anyone else's, okay?"

"I know. I'll try."

"If you need me, if you feel like you want a drink, you call me and we'll meet for coffee, okay?"

They both stood and Melody pulled Erik into a tight hug. His arms wrapped around her and he kissed her softly on the temple. He'd never been quite so thankful for having someone like her in his life. She was the calming balance his world needed, the light in the middle of all the darkness, clarity in the middle of the fog.

"Thank you, Melody. Sincerely."

Chapter Thirty-Three

That night, when Erik went home, everything in his life remained a whirling mass of confusion. At least he'd gotten it all off his chest. At least he'd been able to talk to someone. Now, he felt like he could breathe again. Melody had been inspirational as always, even if she'd only said a few words. She didn't take away the problems and she never claimed to be able to, but at least it didn't feel like he carried the weight alone anymore.

He stood in the shower with his forehead pressed against the cool tiles, the hot water beating down around him. It seemed like the only way to relax his tense muscles. He still couldn't stop thinking about Angel—or more precisely, Angel's lips. He would be kidding himself if he said he didn't like the feel or the taste of them. He'd be lying if he said the rush of doing something so taboo didn't thrill him completely. But it was wrong, all so very wrong, and the simple fact that he still thought about it made it so much worse.

Erik scrubbed his hand over his face, trying to wash away the memory of that wonderfully noteworthy kiss, but as soon as those images of Angel pinning him to the wall faded away, images of him pinning Marshall to the bed roared to life.

His pulse raced harder, charging down toward his thighs to throb in his groin. His body liked the vision, wanted it to be reality. It begged to feel Marshall's warmth again, begged for another taste of Angel's lips.

His soapy hand drew foamy circles over his chest then slipped down to his navel, then down to his lower extremities. His fingers fluttered over the sensitive skin of his cock and then down to graze his tender sac.

"Give me a break," he groaned, eyes rolling back in his head. The memory of Angel's kiss and Marshall's cock already had him hard.

This was just supposed to be a nice, warm, relaxing shower. Just an innocent, quick scrub and nothing more, but when his palm slipped down his shaft, innocence flew out the window.

"This is so wrong," he mumbled, rolling his body against the tiles until his back was against the wall then he sank down until he planted his ass on the shower floor.

With his legs spread wider, a rock-hard erection jutted out from between his thighs. His fingers curled around his shaft and his head rested against the wall as he closed his eyes. Maybe if he thought about Marshall, he wouldn't feel so guilty. Maybe if he imagined Marshall's lips, this wouldn't be so catastrophic.

But every time he closed his eyes and let his mind run away, he saw the wild, scared, lonely look in Angel's eyes. Then he felt Angel's lips on his, felt their bodies pressed together. He imagined Angel's hand stroking the firm length of his erection.

"God, get it together, Erik. This isn't right," he bit out, but the admonition wasn't enough to make him stop. He gripped a little harder, stroked a little faster. The warm water rolled over his tense muscles and down his chest. The heat hit his cock and he hissed.

He wanted to feel Angel's black spiky hair between his fingers as he pulled the kid down into a heated kiss. He wanted to feel the weight of Angel's brutal brown stare as Erik pinned him to the mattress and made love to him. He wanted to feel Angel's warm body as he glided in and out, and he wanted to hear Angel cry out his name as he made him come harder than the kid ever had before.

"Oh, my God," he moaned as his fingers loosened and tightened, waving over his shaft. So close. So very close. He picked up the pace. It wasn't long before his sac tightened and, with one final firm tug, his seed erupted in thick, pearly ropes, coating the tiles beneath him, then swirling down the drain.

Letting out a forced breath, Erik unclenched his eyelids and his body relaxed as he sat, sprawled out in the bottom of the shower. He couldn't bring himself to leave the safe, quiet confines of those warm, embracing walls. His skin wrinkled and the water began to turn cold. At least here, he couldn't ruin some poor kid's life and he couldn't ruin his own by chasing after a love that obviously wasn't meant to be.

"You're better than this, Erik. You can handle this," he whispered as he hefted himself up from the shower floor. He snatched a towel from the hook and wrapped it around his body, not bothering to dry off.

Somehow, he had to make this right. Somehow, he had to get his mind off Angel and ignore the budding feelings he had, or he would have no choice but to break his promise. Erik didn't break promises. If he thought there was a chance he couldn't keep them, he didn't make them in the first place.

Erik fell back on the bed, rubbing his hand back and forth across the center of his chest. If only he could just figure out a way to avoid the situation without pawning his patient off on someone else.

He was probably blowing the whole thing out of proportion anyway. Angel never expressed any feelings, just misguided attraction. So he'd kissed him, big freaking deal.

Erik's eyes shifted toward the leather binder he'd dropped on the edge of the bed before he'd headed to the shower. If he flipped back the cover, Angel's drawing would be right there, waiting. The urge to look at it gnawed at his brain. It took a lot of effort not to look, especially when he saw the edge of the page sticking out.

Maybe looking at it would help. Maybe if he reminded himself of the kid's potential, he could easily back the hell off and do his damn job.

He lost his willpower—or maybe he just surrendered it without a fight. He slipped the tip of his finger under the binder's cover, lifting it until he could see the sketch. It truly was perfection, and in that split second of admiration, his mind conjured up all kinds of things he could do with Angel. All completely innocent, like taking him to the modern art museum, or taking him to the university to check out their art program. If Angel saw he had a future with his art…

A smile curled Erik's lips. Angel's art wasn't the only future he saw for the kid. He simply couldn't deny it or fight it anymore. Erik wanted him. He wanted Angel in a way therapists weren't supposed to want their patients, in that settle-down-and-buy-a-house-together sort of way. He wanted them to begin a perfect future together, for the rest of his life's memories to include Angel.