Pedal to the Metal: Love's Drivin' but Fate's Got the Pole (The 'Cuda Confessions Book 3) (52 page)

Tears glistened in her eyes, but she didn’t let them fall. “So, when you told me that crazy story about Colt, I wasn’t going to let you mess up your own future by trying to rid yourself of an unwanted stepfather, when you hadn’t given him a chance. I know that was all you were doing, lying and twisting the facts to get me and Dale apart, right when I had him primed to help you.”

“Help me do what? What you wanted me to do? I’m supposed fall to my knees in gratitude that you married a man you didn’t love as one more sacrifice for me? You’re proud of yourself, huh? So proud you didn’t even want me at the wedding?” I swung a hand around the room. “All for me, right?”

“Yes, I wanted you to go to school here in Charlotte. I feared the farther from home you were, the more likely you were to... mess up. Party your way out the door, or end up pregnant. I thought by keeping you close—” She sighed. “I had no idea how strong you are, or how driven. You don’t get that from me.”

My outrage morphed into heartburn. “If this is the big lead-in to where you tell me about Eddie—”

“No. It’s not. I had no idea you were in town that day. I mean, you jump through hoops to not come home. And, trust me when I say, Dale could care less who I... keep company with.”

She reached across the table, meaning to lay a hand on my arm, but I pulled away. Every damn time I showed up here, I caught some new guy in the house. If the shoe had been on the other foot, she’d be screaming about what the neighbors would think.

“I let you go, in case any part of what you’d told me was true.”

She ‘let me’ go? Even now, I was just an extension of her. I drew as tall as I could and smiled. “Fuck. You.”

“Everywhere I go in this this town, people tell me how much I look like Jill Shalvis.”

I blinked, but bit my tongue, waiting to see how the hell she’d blame her sins on a preacher’s daughter who’d died twenty-six years ago.

“I got mad and confronted him a couple of years ago, after he cried out her name in his sleep. She’s who he dreams about, not me. Do you have any idea what that feels like?”

“Anyway, he said something that really hurt me. I told him I wanted a divorce. He begged me to stay, because of you. And because of you, I did.” She tipped her head back, lashes fluttering, but to my amazement, she stifled the tears. “His big dream is for you to come home and join his stupid new NASCAR team.”

“In return, he offered to build me this house.” Dropping her head, she met my eyes. “And we both understood he didn’t plan on living in it with me.”

My heart stopped, then thundered. She swiped her eyes, drawing my attention to the bruise that didn’t seem to fade. Inside my head, I called her a liar, but guilt glued my lips shut.

“Remember how mad he got about moving in here on Christmas Eve? That was because, with you home, he had to maintain the charade and move in here with me. That was never the plan. I did manipulate him, for spite, I admit. He’s afraid if I leave him, you’ll leave him. He tolerates me, but you’re the one he loves. Because of that stupid car. I just wanted you to talk to Eddie on the phone, so you’d,”—her chest hitched with the first sob—“so you’d stop believing I didn’t know who fathered you.”

You want me to believe you... or you want Dale to believe that you know and you think I’ll tell him?

Why build the house here? If this mansion with empty walls was a bribe, he’d have built the damn thing on the moon, if she wanted. But she chose to build it in the heart of the fancy subdivision where Bliss lived, and I thought Rick and Doris’s house was nearby.

She snagged a tissue from the box on the table, but didn’t get it to her eyes before I saw the devastation there.

“Wait. What about the way he couldn’t take his eyes off you when we went out to eat with the Kossells? The day Caine brought me the Audi, he was talking about all the times he caught you two necking out on the deck in the dark.”

Her eyes hadn’t held this much pain the day I’d slapped her. “Oh, he loves to kiss me in the dark. That way, he can pretend I’m Jill and make me stop badgering him for attention. Two birds, one stone.”

That hollow ring to her voice—God, I was so fucking tired of hearing that tone from the people I loved.
No matter what, you gotta love the parent who didn’t leave your sorry ass.

“Nothing I’ve done was ever good enough for you. You just had to go and prove that you could do college all by yourself. Why? Why not take his money?”

If she had to ask, she’d never understand the answer. But, I saw where this was going. By not taking Dale’s money for college, in her mind, it was me who’d turned her great sacrifice into prostitution.

“I was against you and Caine being together, because people need someone to look down on, so they feel better about their own lives. To those who knew his mother, which is half the damn town, you look like Caine’s sister. Mark my words, they’ll try to make something sordid out of that. Add that to the people who already know you as his stepsister, and you will get shunned.”

Nothing worse than being cast from the tribe
. How could I teach her that she needed a bigger tribe, and fuck these little, finger-pointing tribes with their big piles of stones?

She gave in to the tears. “Just stay alive. Don’t let him kill you in a goddamn race car. Please. I don’t want you to race Kolby again, but, I can’t recall the last time you did anything I asked.”

Torn between wanting to call ‘bullshit’ and the fear she was telling the truth, I kept quiet. It wouldn’t matter to me or Caine what people said. But, what if I kept the baby?

I felt the pinch of Caroline’s boots.

“When he’s released, if he’ll come home, I’ll look after him until he gets on his feet. But, so you know what you’re facing, I don’t expect him to agree to that. He came back here from Martinsville without telling me. He’s been doing that for a while, I’ve been told. I guess our planes crossed in the air.”

She implored me with red-rimmed eyes. “When he finally showed up at the track, we had a nice time being polite to one another, the five minutes a day I saw him before he fell asleep. He has a thousand ways to avoid me at a race track, same as he does at home. Nothing was said, but when I got back, all his stuff was gone. Even the recliner. Especially the recliner.”

She drew herself upright and slid her palms down the sides of her ribs, smoothing the wrinkles from her blouse.

“An hour after that, the doorbell rang. He had me served with divorce papers.” She swiped dust that wasn’t there from the glass-topped table.

“I’ve been expecting them for months. I thought he’d decided to wait until the adoption was final, so I wouldn’t try to mess that up. And, for your information, Robert volunteered to help me fill out the paperwork. It’s confusing.”

Daring a glance at the papers strewn across the table, I picked out the words ‘divorce’ and ‘settlement’.

Had I been right about anything?

I sat, rooted to the chair by guilt and dismay, while she choked back her tears.

“I see you took off your ring. I knew you didn’t love Robbie five minutes into that hideous dinner. Forgive me if I feel sorry for him.” She pushed out of her seat and walked into the kitchen, giving me an unwanted glimpse of what she’d look like in two decades.

“I don’t suppose you want to share a glass of wine?” She lifted a bottle off the counter. “Robert brought it.” She tried to smile. “It probably tastes terrible, but tonight, I’d drink rubbing alcohol.”

Was offering me a drink her way of acknowledging me as an adult? She hadn’t done what I’d expected, cast all the blame on me. The lack of pressure went right to my head, as if I’d drank the wine.

“No, thanks. I’m meeting Caine for dinner in town. Be right back.” I dashed outside. My portfolio was still behind the seats. Cursing the stupid box of Brad Taggert bullshit, I dug through the thick folder of sketches. Seizing the magnolia branch I’d painted back in October, I hurried into the kitchen.

“I finally got around to doing this for you.” The lie only pinched my conscience a little. I’d refused to give her the only Christmas gift she’d asked for—because of Colt’s lies. And how easily she believed them.

Her job was to fight for me. Not to lie down with a man she didn’t love and call it my salvation.

I hadn’t felt this confused since the day I’d confronted Colt, and he’d lied.

She’d sure as hell kept her mouth shut, knowing I hadn’t let Dale pay for college, so what was she protecting then? Something smelled like bullshit, I was just incapable of putting my finger on what that might be.

Or knowing if assigning blame mattered.

She lifted the heavy paper and burst into tears. “It’s beautiful.” She squinted and her smile faded. “You didn’t sign it, though.”

I picked through my purse, selecting the felt tip that Caine had turned down that day in the elevator and spun the print to scrawl my name on the bottom right of the heavy watercolor paper. “I’ll pick you up Sunday at eleven. For graduation.”

She dashed away her tears. “Better make it ten. It’s Race Week. Traffic will be wall to wall by seven. We have to drive right past the Speedway to get to the interstate.”

How long since I’d put my arms around her? Not voluntarily, since the day I’d told her about Colt. Unsure if I moved out of love or a sense of obligation, I wrapped my arms around her neck.

“I’m sorry Dale wasn’t the right guy for both of us.”

She clung to me, so I knelt and let her cry. “I’m s-sorry he w-won’t be at your graduation.”

Me, too.

From my spot, I could see into the elegant living room. The family portrait hung over the mantle. The gilded frame and linen liner had cost a small fortune. In the photo, Caine stood behind me. His hand rested on my waist. Colt faced me to hide my hand print on his cheek. His hand rested on my shoulder. Dale held Mom’s hand and he had one arm around her.

The perfect family. I’d known at the time the damn picture was a lie. I’d just underestimated how many liars were in the shot.

Why had she bothered ordering an enlargement?

Not a lie. A wish.

Finally, something she and I agreed on. “Gotta go.” I kissed her cheek and pulled away from her clinging hands. My hand was on the knob when she broke out in a fresh wail.

“Y-you s-signed it S-s-shelby H-a-a-annah!”

The worst thing I’d ever done to my mother was to be myself.

Squaring my shoulders, I pushed the door open and walked down the steps.

“N
o, Caine. Thanks, but I really just want doughnuts.” My insides felt raw. I had no idea how to staunch the internal bleeding this week had wrought, but doubted green beans were the answer.

More like sugar and caffeine.

“No, don’t go back. They sell Krispy Kremes at that gas station around the corner from Mom’s house. Meet y’all there.”

Swiping my eyes, I fumbled for the key. I managed to reverse out of the drive, but sat in front of the huge house. A crystalline stream spouted from the dolphin’s mouth, lit by submerged floodlights. The porch rockers still seemed as pointless as they were pristine. I imagined her sitting there, watching her married neighbors drive by, and thought about Robyn Masters.

While I watched, the light came on in the master bedroom. I pictured my mother with her lonely bottle of wine, crawling into a huge, empty bed. I ached to talk to Dale, but feared I already understood. How many times had I resented Robert for no reason other than he looked like Colt, but wasn’t Colt?

Even when I knew he wasn’t right for me, rather than letting go, I took him back. But, in every small way I could, I punished him for not being Colt.

Twisted.
I didn’t like the insight into my actions, because what I’d done was much closer to taking a page out of Macy’s playbook than Dale’s. Even though it all looked the same on the surface.

I shoved away the conundrum.

Speaking of Colt, where was he? I couldn’t bear thinking about the divorce and the ways my mother would try to draw me to her side of the line, but maybe I still had a shot at talking some sense into my wayward brother. Okay, so his hidden life might be tearing him up inside. He might be hurt that I’d chosen Caine over him, but did that give him a license to hurt Caroline?

Hadn’t he hurt her once already, by his affair with Brandon? And for fuck’s sake, he must know that making Marley part of Hannah-Built meant there’d be no room for Jonny. Running two cars meant we needed ten million in the bank, according to Caine. Fielding three race cars was out of the question, especially if Audi signed Kolby Barnes, rather than partnering with Hannah-Built.

What was Colt thinking? And why in the name of God was Caine so laid back about their budding relationship?

Because he’s like his father, and here I sit, still acting like Macy.

Sighing, I headed for the gas station where I’d bought doughnuts the week before.

Only a week ago? It felt like a year had gone by.

The place was deserted, but a recent-model Mustang sat near the front door. I took the spot on the opposite side of the handicapped space and eyed the matte black paint job, tricked out with a pair of glossy Carolina Blue stripes on my way past.