Penance (Long Slow Tease, #2) (13 page)

Blue lights flooded the small stage area and Michelle gasped as both James and Wyatt assumed parade rest. Yuki stalked around James first, sliding her body against his as she tied him up with black rope. Around and around she made her bindings, creating the perfect harness for James’ body. He shivered beneath her touch, his cock big enough to strain against his briefs.

Michelle darted a glance over at Wyatt and found him watching her. Holding his gaze, she gave him a slow smile and he visibly took in a deep breath.

“My,” Petrov said just loud enough to be heard over the music, “he does respond well to you. One smile and his cock is getting hard. I wonder what he would do if you flashed him that lovely pussy. I bet you aren’t wearing any underwear.”

She giggled, the alcohol making her restless. This was perfect. Right now, she didn’t have to think, she could just go with it and trust Petrov to take care of her. Through sheer willpower he’d helped her work through Owen’s death better than any professional therapist.

Leaning over, she braced her hand on his leg and whispered, “I love him. I haven’t told him yet, but I do
, with all my heart. It’s a secret so shhhh.”

Petrov cupped her chin turned her gaze to the stage, forcing her to watch Wyatt as he tensed beneath Yuki’s fingers. “You should tell him. You should scream it from
the mountain tops.”

Her jaw trembled in his grip. “I don’t deserve him.”

“Yes, you do. Let him love you, Michelle. You deserve a chance at happiness.”

“I saved his life,” she choked out. “He was dying in my arms and I managed to keep him alive. Why couldn’t I do that for Owen?”

To her shock Petrov gave her cheek a slap that wasn’t hard, but stung. “No, none of that. Now, before your submissive comes over here and tries to kick my ass with his arms bound, I suggest you focus on their performance.”

“Okay,” she whispered and slumped back into the couch.

When she met Wyatt’s gaze tears filled her eyes at the anger and concern tightening his mouth. Yuki kept glancing in her direction and she took a deep breath, trying to pull herself together. Wyatt needed her. She’d deal with her pain later.

Slowly licking her lower lip, she began to trace her fingers over her chest as if she were feeling the ropes that bound his. Immediately his cock jumped against his briefs and she felt a real smile curving her lips.
He was so handsome, and her heart ached to believe that he could love someone as damaged, as imperfect as her.

Yuki
soon had both men hovering off the ground. The crowd broke into applause and cheers that were loud enough to almost drown out the music. Then Yuki began to slowly spin the men, the rods holding them apart, so perfectly balanced that the slightest movement made it shift. All it took was one touch of Yuki’s finger and they would move and sway in glorious displays of bound and flexing muscle. Wyatt had his eyes closed and a relaxed expression that reminded her of how he got when he was getting near his version of sub space. The thought of Yuki bringing him to that state started the unwelcome burn of jealousy, and she tried to brush it off, but the terrible emotion wouldn’t be denied.

From that point on
, every touch, every stroke of Wyatt’s skin as Yuki checked the bindings, had Michelle clenching her hands into tight fists. By the time the performance wound down – the men’s bodies couldn’t take full suspension for extended periods – Michelle was practically drowning in rage. Petrov had left a few minutes before to handle an issue the bartender was having and Michelle sat alone in a cold fury. As Yuki cut Wyatt free she laughed and gave him a kiss on the lips. Michelle was ready to claw her best friend’s eyes out.

As soon as he was free
, Wyatt came for her still clad in only his briefs and leather harness. The lines of the ropes cutting into his skin made her want to reach out and rub him until they faded, but instead she stood on unsteady legs as he neared, her anger and the sense of betrayal eating her alive. 

When he got close enough she saw the clear imprint of Yuki’s lipstick on his mouth and she lost it. Before Wyatt could take a breath she slapped him across the face as hard as she could.

“My best friend! You had to fuck my best friend!”

The color drained from Wyatt’s face and he put his hand to his mouth, pulling it away to reveal that she’d split his lip.

They both stared at the bright red blood on his fingertips and Michelle was pretty sure she was going to throw up. Except she hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, her stomach too upset for more than a few bites of food. Now the remains of the vodka boiled in her gut and she struggled to take it back, to speak beyond her impending nausea.

Before she could get her voice to work a large hand cuffed the back of her neck and clutched her like an errant puppy. Petrov’s enraged voice sent shards of shame, anger, and guilt crashing down around her, making her frighteningly sober for
one brief, terrible moment. “Excuse us please, Wyatt. Your Mistress has lost her mind.”

James rushed up to Wyatt and physically held him back as he lunged at Petrov. “Get your hands off of her
!”

Blood streamed from his split lip into his mouth and
Michelle’s stomach lurched again. She made a gagging sound, trying to fight back the need to vomit, and Petrov swore softly. “I’m going to take her so she can throw up in private then I’ll bring her back to you, I promise.”

She had no idea if Wyatt replied because her mouth was flooding with moisture and a harsh sweat broke out over her whole body. Petrov dragged her through the club
, and the moment they made it into the women’s bathroom she ran to a stall and shoved it open, emptying the contents of her stomach until her abdominal muscles ached and cramped. She’d think she was finished until the image of the pain and absolute betrayal in Wyatt’s gaze came flooding back.

Without a doubt she was
the worst thing that had ever happened to Wyatt. He needed someone strong, someone sane to help him with his own issues. She never should have come to him in the first place, never should have believed that she had a chance at the kind of happiness Yuki and James had. At the thought of her best friend and the horrible accusations she’d made, she let out a wrenching cry.

“You are a mess,” Petrov said in a not
-unkind voice as he hauled her over to the sinks.

Washing her as if she w
as a child or an invalid, she cried as he wiped the sweat from her face and made her wash her mouth out repeatedly until the foul taste of the vomit was gone. By the time she came back to herself a little bit, she realized he was braiding back her hair. He’d done that often for her during their training, a soothing motion that never failed to help her center. When she was little, her mother used to braid her hair every night before bed, while singing her songs and making her feel loved.

He sat her on the edge of the counter with ease, dabbing at her face. “I’m afraid your makeup is gone.”

She let out a brittle laugh. “Everything is gone. I should be whipped, Petrov. I hit my submissive in anger. I abused the man I love. I’m a monster.”

“I don’t think it’s that dire, but things are definitely damaged between you.” He handed her a wad of paper towels and let her wipe her face. “Now the question is what are you going
to do to fix this?”

She balled up the paper towels and clenched it hard enough that her hand hurt.
“I’m so messed up, Petrov. And Wyatt has his own demons to deal with.”

“What do you mean?”

Chewing her lower lip, she vaguely wished she was still drunk so that it wouldn’t hurt anymore. “We both experienced things during the war that changed us.”

His blue eyes softened in understanding. “PTSD?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you both getting therapy?”

She blinked at him, confused. “Why would I need therapy?”

He took a deep breath, then another as if striving for patience. “Michelle, you promised me you would see a therapist.”

“I can’t find any I want to talk to,” she muttered. “None that understand what it’s like to be a sexual dominant, that’s for sure.”

“You can’t go on like this.”

Her first instinct was to lie, to tell him everything was fine, but the memory of Wyatt’s face as she slapped him made her soul hurt. “I know.”

A sudden idea came to her, a way that she could really atone for her guilt and begin a new phase in her life. Petrov had helped her with it before, but would he do it again?
It would have to be in secret, because if Wyatt found out he’d forbid her from doing it, not understanding her need for penance.

But Petrov would understand.

“I need your help.”

He hugged her close and kissed the top of her head. “You know I’d do anything for you. We all would. Despite your attempts to alienate yourself from them, you still have people here who care about you deeply and only want the best for you.”

“I need you to help me find absolution.”

The arms around her tightened to the point of pain before he released her and took a step back. Uncertainty showed on every line of his face. “I don’t think that is a good idea. You have been drinking.”

Desperation clawed at her as she finally realized the only way to move on so she could be worthy of Wyatt’s love. It was so simple yet complex at the same time. An act of true penance that would cleanse both her mind and soul. “Please, Petrov. I’ll come to you tomorrow morning when I’m sober. I need this.”

“Why? Why not go talk to a therapist or any of a million other ways?”

“Because those ways don’t work for me. I’ve tried, I’ve worked my ass off to try and move on but the only thing that has helped has been doing penance. Please, you have to help me with this.”

“Michelle…”

“Please don’t make me go to someone else.”

He gave her such a hard look that she dropped her gaze. “Do not try to manipulate me.”

“Then help me!”

“What about Wyatt? He wanted to kill me for holding your hand. How is he going to react to you being whipped?”

She had absolutely no intention of letting Wyatt know that she was going to Petrov for a cleansing beating. “He understands, he just can’t do it himself. Hurting me is an absolute hard limit for him.”

“Does he understand how much you need it? That it is something that Owen used to do for you
to help you release stress?”

She hung her head. “
No, but I will tell him before I come to you.”

He began to pace in the small confines of the bathroom. “I want my wife there as well. Would he be comfortable attending?”

“No, watching me hurt would kill him.”

“I thought so.” Running his hands through his hair, he let out a deep sigh. “I promised Owen I would take care of you, and I will honor that promise, but Michelle
, you will have to tell Wyatt about your needs. It isn’t fair to him.”

“What am I supposed to tell him? That despite being a sexual dominant I need the occasional cleansing beating in order to remain sane? That I know it would destroy him to
hurt me but that I can’t deal with my emotions like a normal person? He loves me, Petrov, truly loves me, and I’m so very unworthy of him. He deserves a normal girl, a perfect girl, who he can love and have a family with. I’m too fucked up. I never should have taken him home with me.”

“Fuck normal
and fuck perfect,” Petrov said with a savage snarl. “There is no such thing as normal or perfect, and those who say otherwise are liars. If he truly loves you, Michelle, let him love all of you. The good and the bad. You must be honest with him. You
must
.”

A hard knock came from the door before Yuki peeked her head in
, looking only at Petrov. Her subtly applied mascara had smeared a bit and her face was red from crying, a fact backed up by the thick rasp of her voice. “Michelle, you’re a fucking bitch, but you need to get out here before Wyatt loses his mind.”

“Petrov?
Please?”

He nodded, weariness making him actually look his age for once. “Go and call me in the morning.”

“I will. Thank you so much.”

Chapter
6

Wyatt closed the door to their hotel suite gently, instead of slamming it hard enough to break the frame like he wanted to. His nerves were hanging on by a thread, and he’d been staving off a PTSD attack since the moment Michelle slapped him. His anger, no, his rage was choking him with the need to destroy something. While he’d never hit Michelle, trashing their suite was sounding better by the moment. The last time she tried to hit him he’d stopped her before she’d actually managed to strike him back in that hot and dusty supply tent in Afghanistan. Back then, he hadn’t trusted her not to hurt him, but this time he just stood there with his hands at his side, never expecting her to strike him in anger. Fuck, that sweltering tent in the desert seemed like a million years ago and miles away from his current surroundings.

Tonight,
he stood in the perfectly temperature-controlled environment of the presidential suite of some massive hotel, its name forgotten. The suite was huge, five rooms, and looked like some swank apartment from a glossy magazine. Everywhere he glanced there were expensive objects, exquisite art and furniture, and pure luxury. He was so far out of his element that keeping his mind on the present instead of the past wasn’t a hardship. Especially when his gaze landed on Michelle, standing in the middle of the room, giving him such a forlorn look that he wanted to gather her into his arms and choke her for her stupidity at the same time.