Penance (Long Slow Tease, #2) (37 page)

And oh
, how she loved him back. It had been three weeks since they faced the aftermath of the tornado in Sugar Land together and the last warm days of fall were coming to an end. They’d been back to her ranch a time or two and planned on returning for good soon, but she had a feeling they were going to end up buying a house on the beach before next summer rolled around. She liked the idea of spending the winter and spring months on her ranch, and she missed her horses. Right now Pants and Goddess were at what basically amounted to a horse spa outside of Houston where they were massaged nightly and given hundreds of acres to roam. Even better, the ranch worked with the local 4H club and her horses were spoiled with affection.

She glanced at the clock, wanting to get her letter written before Wyatt returned from whatever errands he was running. Things were…really good between them.
She had fully returned to her role as Wyatt’s Mistress since that morning after they first went to Sugar Land, and their relationship had deepened to the point where she truly no longer worried about losing him. That newfound security had allowed both of them to immerse themselves in each other with a deep trust that was both emotional and physical. It had certainly upped the kink factor of their playtime together. Just the memory of how hard Wyatt came while she was fucking him sent a delicious wave of tingles through her.

With a sigh, she looked away from the ocean and the first hints of a pink
-tinged sunset on the blank page before her. It was time to write her letter to Owen, and she couldn’t put it off any longer. Her hand shook as she pressed her pen to the paper, but she made herself write the first words.

Dear Owen,

It’s been years since the last time I felt your touch, was dazzled by your smile, and smelled your cologne. Every time I pass a man wearing your scent it hurts me like a knife slicing through my soul, and I want to grab that stranger who smells like you and bury my face against his throat, to pretend that you’re still here with me even for a moment, but no matter how hard I pray you won’t be returning to me.

I
’m still so damn angry that you’re gone, furious that you left me behind, yet so grateful for the time we did spend together. We were quite the pair, weren’t we? So young and brash, so arrogant in our immortality. I found my first wrinkle the other day and thought of you, wondered what you’d look like now, if you’d have lost all that beautiful red hair of yours or if I’d have given you grey hairs by now. I wondered if you would still enjoy eating an orange after sex. Did you know that for years I couldn’t eat oranges without crying? I had to ignore them whenever they were on the table because if I didn’t I’d end up sobbing, and in the military they don’t cotton well to their officers tearing up over fruit.

I spoke to your mom and dad last week, told them how I was doing. They were surprised that I called, I
’ve been avoiding them since your death, but it was really good to hear their voices, to know that they’d managed to find some sense of peace after your passing. I’m sure that the fact that your sisters have given them a mess of grandchildren to fuss over helps.

I wanted that so badly for us, you know. To get married and have your babies, to live happily ever after with you. But you had to go and be a fucking hero, didn
’t you? I bet right now up in heaven you’re shaking your head at me. Do you know I can feel you sometimes? Not as much as I used to, but right now I swear I can feel your heat against my back as you lean over my shoulder and read this. You know I hate people reading over my shoulder, but you always did like to rile me up so I would punish you. The term ‘topping from the bottom’ was invented for you.

I miss you so much, but
not as much as I used to. As I’m sure you know, I’ve fallen in love with someone else. Part of me wants to apologize to you for that, but another part believes that you brought Wyatt into my life. They say that once you die everything becomes clear and you understand the world in a way we never can when we’re mortal, looking through the glass instead of a mirror and all that. If that’s true, then you would no doubt have seen how very lonely I was and how I was isolating myself from the world, living only with the hope of dying. You were always so full of life that just being with you made the even the most mundane things exciting, but when you left it was like the joy in the world died with you.

So when I felt that joy again with Wyatt it felt as if I were somehow cheating on you, like my ability to see the simple beauty of just living betrayed your memory. Yes, I know it is seriously fucked up and self-centered of me to not realize the gift you
’d given me. I often wonder how long it took you to find Wyatt for me, to manipulate events so that he came into my life at the perfect time in the perfect place. If I’d met Wyatt anywhere other than the battlefront, like in the civilian world, I’d have been able to separate myself from him and pretend the way I was drawn to him was just a fluke. But out there, in that sandy shithole, I had to see him over and over again, to witness how good of a man he was, to slowly admit my own attraction to him. He always seemed to know when I needed him the most and I can’t help but wonder if you had a part in that too. Not to say that Wyatt and I don’t have a deep connection, but in those early days he would appear like magic when I needed him, showing up in places where he had no reason to be, but exactly where I needed him.

And then when our convoy was attacked
…you were there shielding me from the blast, weren’t you? There was no reason I should have survived that. I looked at the seat of the transport vehicle I was in once it was brought back to base. There were pieces of jagged metal imbedded all over my seat, but none of them hit me. The Marines that were in charge of dealing with the destroyed vehicles called it a miracle, but I knew it was you. You must have been so frustrated with me when I refused to love Wyatt. Here you were, giving me the love I so desperately needed but in my depression I couldn’t see it.

I
often wonder if my need for you is keeping you tethered to the earth, keeping you from moving onto whatever it is we are meant to do next. While I’m not sure what exactly happens after we die, I do know that energy never disappears, it merely changes form and what is the human soul if not energy? I know this is long, long overdue, but while I will always love you, I don’t need you anymore, Owen. I have a man in my life who loves me more than I ever thought possible, loves me without condition and in a selfless way that constantly humbles me. I’ve grown up enough now to understand what a gift that is and I promise I will love him back with all of my heart. See, I’ve realized that loving Wyatt doesn’t mean I no longer love you. The human heart isn’t a limited thing. Instead of viewing my love as something to be divided up and sectioned out, I came to realize that my heart just grows larger in order to accept even more love. Kind of like our favorite Christmas movie with the mean old Grinch’s heart growing three sizes that day.

I
’m going to collar Wyatt today. I contacted Petrov last week and had a collar specially made for him, a thick platinum chain, the kind men wear so that he will always be able to keep it on. There’s also a St. Michael medallion attached to it, with an inscription on the back for Wyatt. The chain was specially made to attach to a thick black leather collar with an O-ring on it so I can attach a leash to it if Wyatt and I choose to play in public, or if I just want to leash him. You did love to wear my leash, loved to walk behind me through the club with that visible mark of my ownership. I will always remember looking over my shoulder to make sure you were following me, to make sure that you hadn’t run off and left me because I wasn’t perfect enough for you. I’m so very sorry I let my insecurity bring us so much pain. You deserved better, and while I cannot go back in time and change things, no matter how much I may wish it, I can change my future and respect that every day we have here on Earth is a miracle and a gift.

You will always have a place in my heart, but I won
’t use you as an excuse for not allowing myself to love anymore. I will always remember you, will always wish things had turned out differently, but it’s time to let you go. You were an important part of my life, Owen, and some of my best memories come from loving you. Thank you for being there for me, for teaching me how to love, and most of all, for sending me Wyatt. For the longest time I beat myself up over loving Wyatt more than I loved you, but I’ve realized it’s just a different kind of love because I’m a different person now than when you and I were together. It’s not that I love Wyatt more or you less, but that I know now how precious love is and how stupid it is to push it away out of fear of being hurt.

So I guess this is where we say goodbye. Wherever you are, wherever you go, I hope that you have someone to love, that you have someone who loves you back. I
’ll see you again someday, and when I do, I hope that you’re proud of me.

Love Always,

Michelle

She stood and went over to the sink, grabbing a handful of paper towels and wiping her face down, trying to dry the tears before she soaked a hand towel in cold water and pressed it to her face. While Wyatt would know she’d been crying, she didn’t want him to think these were tears of sorrow. Well, they were, but they were therapeutic tears, a physical release of the pain she’d been carrying, nurturing even, all these years. Her soul felt strangely light, as if the words that were now on the paper had carried a dark weight with them in that black ink. After removing the towel she took a deep breath and went back to the table. She picked up sheets of paper now packed with her sprawling handwriting and began to fold them into paper boats, one by one.

By the time she finished there were eight little boats sitting on her table and she smiled. On one of
their first dates Owen had taken her to his family’s house on Lake Michigan and had shown her his remote controlled boat collection from when he’d been a teenager. She giggled as she remembered how much fun they’d had racing his boats after she’d gotten over how silly it had been to play with toys. At the time she’d thought it was immature, but now she realized she was the immature one for not accepting the simple joy of being able to play without putting on pretenses.

She grabbed her pink and white floral patterned shawl from the back of her chair and slipped it over her shoulders. While her white sun dress had been enough during the heat of the day, the beach
might be a bit chilly. The sun was now a fat, bright tangerine ball on the horizon and she carefully placed the boats in a plastic bag, but slipped the collar into the pocket of her dress. Wyatt should be back soon and she wanted to send Owen his letter before that happened.

Mud and Tuba stood as soon as she opened the door, but she shook her head at them. “Stay. I’m not going to freeze my butt off giving you yet another bath
because you brought half the beach with you.”

Tuba gave a soft whine, but Mud lay back down with a disgruntled ‘hrumph’. While both dogs were extremely well trained, something about the beach seemed to turn them into puppies. Mud especially. He love
d to run out into the surf and snap at the white crests of the waves like he was trying to eat them if she let him. Crouching down, she gave each dog a good scratch behind the ears.

“Love you guys. Take care of the house, I’ll be right back.”

While Tuba gave her a doggy grin, she swore Mud was pouting and that made her laugh. After closing the door behind herself, she took a deep breath of the sea air and imagined Owen walking behind her as she went down the stairs. He would have loved this place, loved the simple beauty of the sunset which made it the perfect time to say goodbye. She wanted to leave him with the image of her in the kind of white dress that was his favorite for her to wear, with her hair hanging long and loose, tangling in the breeze coming off the water.

When she reached the edge of the surf
, she took a deep breath, the still warm water curling over her feet and splashing up against her legs, dampening the edge of her dress. The tassels of her shawl danced around her and she took out the first boat, then walked a little bit deeper so she was beyond the edge of the surf. The water reached her hips now and her heart raced as she kissed the first boat, then gently placed it into the water. To her surprise it didn’t sink and the wind actually calmed a bit as the boat sailed away from her.

She repeated the gesture until all the boats were in the water. Some stayed near, while others seemed eager to race off into the depths of the ocean. By the time the sun was nothing more than a sliver on the horizon and the clouds burned
amethyst and red with hints of gold, the last boat left her side, moving off to join its brethren and leaving her behind with a strangely hollow feeling as if parts of her were now sailing off into the night. It took her a moment to identify the feeling as that of being…lonely.

With a heavy sigh she wiped away the tears trailing down her cheeks with the edge of her shawl and smoothed her hair back before turning to the house.
She was surprised to find Wyatt watching her from the shore with a pensive expression. His hair had grown out long enough now that it didn’t bear any resemblance to his tight military cut, but he would always stand like a warrior. Back straight, shoulders high, an almost arrogant tilt to his chin that she adored. Tonight he wore a pair of khaki shorts that showed off his muscular calves and a grey t-shirt stretched tight over his broad chest and showcased his thick biceps. He was every inch the Alpha male and her heart gave a hard thump when she met his dark gaze.