Penny Dreadful Multipack Vol. 1 (Illustrated. Annotated. 'Wagner The Wehr-Wolf,' 'Varney The Vampire,' 'The Mysteries of London Vol. 1' + Bonus Features) (Penny Dreadful Multipacks) (141 page)

"She
took things much less to heart than I could have anticipated; she seemed cheerful
and happy,—she endeavoured to make my home as comfortable as she could.

"Her
whole endeavour was to make me as much as possible, forget the past. She
wanted, as much as possible, to wean me away from my gambling pursuits, but
that was impossible. I had no hope, no other prospect.

"Thus
she strove, but I could see each day she was getting paler, and more pale; her
figure, before round, was more thin, and betrayed signs of emaciation. This
preyed upon me; and, when fortune denied me the means of carrying home that
which she so much wanted, I could never return for two days at a time. Then I
would find her shedding tears, and sighing; what could I say? If I had anything
to take her, then I used to endeavour to make her forget that I had been away.

"'Ah!'
she would exclaim, 'you will find me dead one of these days; what you do now
for one or two days, you will do by-and-bye for many days, perhaps weeks.'—'Do
not anticipate evil.'

"'I
cannot do otherwise; were you in any other kind of employment but that of
gambling,' she said, 'I should have some hope of you; but, as it is, there is
none.'—'Speak not of it; my chances may turn out favourable yet, and you may be
again as you were.'

"'Never.'—'But
fortune is inconstant, and may change in my favour as much as she has done in
others.'

"'Fortune
is indeed constant, but misfortune is as inconstant.'—'You are prophetic of
evil."

"'Ah!
I would to Heaven I could predict good; but who ever yet heard of a ruined
gambler being able to retrieve himself by the same means that he was ruined?'

"Thus
we used to converse, but our conversation was usually of but little comfort to
either of us, for we could give neither any comfort to the other; and as that
was usually the case, our interviews became less frequent, and of less duration.
My answer was always the same.

"'I
have no other chance; my prospects are limited to that one place; deprive me of
that, and I never more should be able to bring you a mouthful of bread.'

"Day
after day,—day after day, the same result followed, and I was as far from
success as ever I was, and ever should be; I was yet a beggar.

"The
time flew by; my little girl was nearly four years old, but she knew not the
misery her father and mother had to endure. The poor little thing sometimes
went without more than a meal a day; and while I was living thus upon the town,
upon the chances of the gaming-table, many a pang did she cause me, and so did
her mother. My constant consolation was this,—

"'It
is bad luck now,' I would say; 'but will be better by-and-bye; things cannot
always continue thus. It is all for them—all for them.'

"I
thought that by continuing constantly in one course, I must be at land at the
ebb of the tide. 'It cannot always flow one way,' I thought. I had often heard
people say that if you could but have the resolution to play on, you must in
the end seize the turn of fortune.

"'If
I could but once do that, I would never enter a hell again as long as I drew
breath.'

"This
was a resolve I could not only make but keep, because I had suffered so much
that I would never run through the same misery again that I had already gone
through. However, fortune never seemed inclined to take the turn I had hoped
for; fortune was as far off as ever, and had in no case given me any
opportunity of recovering myself.

"A
few pounds were the utmost I could at any time muster, and I had to keep up
something of an appearance, and seem as if I had a thousand a year; when, God
knows, I could not have mustered a thousandth part of that sum, were all done
and paid for.

"Day
after day passed on, and yet no change. I had almost given myself up to
despair, when one night when I went home I saw my wife was more than usually
melancholy and sad, and perhaps ill; I didn't look at her—I seldom did, because
her looks were always a reproach to me; I could not help feeling them so.

"'Well,'
said I, 'I have come home to you because I have something to bring you; not
what I ought—but what I can—you must be satisfied!'—'I am,' she said.

"'I
know also you want it; how is the child, is she quite well?'—'Yes, quite.'

"'Where
is she?' inquired I, looking round the room, but I didn't see her; she used to
be up.—'She has gone to bed,' she said.

"'It
is very early.'—'Yes, but she cried so for food that I was obliged to get her
to sleep to forget her hunger: poor thing, she has wanted bread very badly.'

"'Poor
thing!' I said, 'let her be awakened and partake of what I have brought home.'

"With
that my wife waked her up, and the moment she opened her eyes she again began
to cry for food, which I immediately gave her and saw her devour with the
utmost haste and hunger. The sight smote my heart, and my wife sat by watching,
and endeavouring to prevent her from eating so fast.

"'This
is bad,' I said.—'Yes, but I hope it may be the worst,' she replied, in a deep
and hollow voice.

"'Lizzy,'
I exclaimed, 'what is the matter—are you ill?'—'Yes, very ill.'

"'What
is the matter with you? For God's sake tell me,' I said, for I was alarmed.—'I
am very ill,' she said, 'very ill indeed; I feel my strength decreasing every
day. I must drink.'

"You,
too, want food?'—'I have and perhaps do, though the desire to eat seems almost
to have left me.'

"'For
Heaven's sake eat,' said I; 'I will bring you home something more by to-morrow;
eat and drink Lizzy. I have suffered; but for you and your child's sake, I will
do my best.'—'Your best,' she said, 'will kill us both; but, alas, there is no
other aid at hand. You may one day, however, come here too late to find us
living.'

"'Say
no more, Lizzy, you know not my feelings when you speak thus; alas, I have no
hope—no aid—no friend.'—'No,' she replied, 'your love of gaming drove them from
you, because they would not aid a gambler.'

"'Say
no more, Lizzy,' I said; 'if there be not an end to this life soon, there will
be an end to me. In two days more I shall return to you. Good bye; God bless
you. Keep up your heart and the child.'—'Good bye,' she said, sorrowfully. She
shed tears, and wrung her hands bitterly. I hastened away—my heart was ready to
burst, and I could not speak.

"I
walked about to recover my serenity, but could not do so sufficiently well to
secure anything like an appearance that would render me fit to go to the
gaming-house. That night I remained away, but I could not avoid falling into a
debauch to drown my misfortunes, and shift the scene of misery that was
continually before my eyes."

"The
next night I was at the gaming-house. I went there in better than usual
spirits. I saw, I thought, a change in fortune, and hailed that as the
propitious moment of my life, when I was to rise above my present misfortunes.

"I
played and won—played and lost—played and won, and then lost again; thus I went
on, fluctuating more and more, until I found I was getting money in my pocket.
I had, at one moment more than three hundred pounds in my pocket, and I felt
that then was my happy moment—then the tide of fortune was going in my favour.
I ought to have left off with that—to have been satisfied with such an amount
of money; but the demon of avarice seemed to have possessed me, and I went on
and on with fluctuating fortune, until I lost the whole of it.

"I
was mad—desperate, and could have destroyed myself; but I thought of the state
my wife and child were in; I thought that that night they would want food; but
they could not hurt for one day—they must have some, or would procure some.

"I
was too far gone to be able to go to them, even if I were possessed of means;
but I had none, and daylight saw me in a deep sleep, from which I awoke not
until the next evening let in, and then I once more determined that I would
make a desperate attempt to get a little money. I had always paid, and thought
my word would be taken for once; and, if I won, all well and good; if not, then
I was no worse off than before.

"This
was easy to plan, but not to execute. I went there, but there were none present
in whom I had sufficient interest to dare make the attempt. I walked about, and
felt in a most uncomfortable state. I feared I should not succeed at all, then
what was to become of me—of my wife and child? This rendered me almost mad. I
could not understand what I was to do, what to attempt, or where to go. One or
two persons came up, and asked me if I were ill. My answers were, that I was
well enough. Good God! how far from the truth was that; but I found I must
place more control on my feelings, else I should cause much conversation, and
then I should lose all hope of recovering myself, and all prospect of living,
even.

"At
length some one did come in, and I remarked I had been there all the evening
and had not played. I had an invitation to play with him, which ended, by a
little sleight of hand, in my favour; and on that I had calculated as much as
on any good fortune I might meet. The person I played with observed it not,
and, when we left off playing, I had some six or seven pounds in pocket. This,
to me, was a very great sum; and, the moment I could decently withdraw myself,
I ran off home.

"I
was fearful of the scene that awaited me. I expected something; worse than I
had yet seen. Possibly Lizzy might be angry, and scold as well as complain. I
therefore tapped at the door gently, but heard no one answer; but of this I
took no notice, as I believed that they might be, and were, most probably, fast
asleep. I had provided myself with a light, and I therefore opened the door,
which was not fastened.

"'Lizzy!'
said I, 'Lizzy!' There was no answer given, and I paused. Everything was as
still as death. I looked on the bed—there lay my wife with her clothes on.

"'Lizzy!
Lizzy!' said I. But still she did not answer me.

"'Well,'
said I, 'she sleeps sound;' and I walked towards the bed, and placed my hand
upon her shoulder, and began to shake her, saying, as I did so,—

"'Lizzy!
Lizzy! I'm come home.' But still no answer, or signs of awaking.

"I
went on the other side of the bed to look at her face, and some misgivings
overtook me. I trembled much. She lay on the bed, with her back towards the
spot where I stood.

"I
came towards her face. My hand shook violently as I endeavoured to look at her.
She had her eyes wide open, as if staring at me.

"'Lizzy,'
said I. No answer was returned. I then placed my hand upon her cheek. It was
enough, and I started back in great horror. She was dead!

"This
was horror itself. I staggered back and fell into a chair. The light I placed
down, Heaven knows how or why; but there I sat staring at the corpse of my
unfortunate wife. I can hardly tell you the tremendous effect this had upon me.
I could not move. I was fascinated to the spot. I could not move and could not
turn."

"It
was morning, and the rays of the sun illumined the apartment; but there sat I,
still gazing upon the face of my unfortunate wife, I saw, I knew she was dead;
but yet I had not spoken, but sat looking at her.

"I
believe my heart was as cold as she was; but extreme horror and dread had dried
up all the warm blood in my body, and I hardly think there was a pulsation
left. The thoughts of my child never once seemed to cross my mind. I had,
however, sat there long—some hours before I was discovered, and this was by the
landlady.

"I
had left the door open behind me, and she, in passing down, had the curiosity
to peep, and saw me sitting in what she thought to be a very strange attitude,
and could hear no sounds.

"After
some time she discovered my wife was dead, and, for some time, she thought me
so, too. However, she was convinced to the contrary, and then began to call for
assistance. This awoke the child, which was nearly famished. The landlady, to
become useful, and to awaken me from my lethargy, placed the child in my hands,
telling me I was the best person now to take care of it.

"And
so I was; there was no doubt of the truth of that, and I was compelled to
acknowledge it. I felt much pride and pleasure in my daughter, and determined
she should, if I starved, have the benefit of all I could do for her in the way
of care, &c."