Perfect Freedom (80 page)

“Sure. She thinks she can frighten me with the idea. There might be problems—there always are for anybody—but I think I'd love it. Can I tell her about us? It might be important. She won't be able to go on talking about the color bar. If I can't have a black girl I'll have a black boy.” They laughed, totally at ease with each other.

“You can tell her anything you like. You don't have to tell her we love each other. I told her last night. I spoke for both of us. How's that for an uppity nigger? I've talked with her a lot about you even though I didn't know you. I told her she shouldn't keep you dangling. I said she should let you go or really live with you and see what you could make of it. She's a wonderful lady and you're a wonderful guy. If anybody can make it together, you should be able to.”

Lance's throat tightened with the affection he heard in his voice. “Thanks. Most people warn her against me.”

“I know. I've read a lot of silly stuff about you but I knew you weren't like that. Everything Scot said about you made that obvious. You've got to beat some sense into her.”

“I'm trying but she has a lot of sense on her side. Maybe I'm not enough of a caveman. I sometimes want to stamp and holler but I can't force myself on her.”

“Her husband did but that didn't work very well. You need me. We know all the things she's frightened of but you can't make a life being frightened. Do you expect to be late tonight?”

“I shouldn't think so. I'm taking Scot to one of those meeting things of hers. We're never much later than eleven.”

“I should be free by ten-thirty. We'll talk all night. But right now, I need a shower. This city has a way of coming off on you. You can come with me. I've always had a weakness for groping guys in showers.”

Lance had an ally. Andy's strength was becoming a part of him; he would have the strength of two. Any doubts he might have had about the course he had chosen vanished. With Andy at his side, he was going to get Scot.

They hitched their chairs out from the table and sat side by side while they removed their shoes and socks. When they were naked to the waist, Andy leaned forward and put his hands on Lance's shoulders and kissed him, testing him, while Lance's hands strayed caressingly over his chest. He drew back, intent eyes searching Lance's. “You really don't care about race, do you?” he said.

“No. I just don't think about it, I don't know why. I love her. I love you the way you are, whatever you are. She can't believe it.”

“I'll tell her. I believe it. She does too, but she's a woman. She thinks too much.”

They stood and finished stripping themselves and turned to each other. Andy laughed and gave his head an incredulous little shake as he slowly looked him over. “Here you are in broad daylight. They say seeing is believing but I'm not so sure. Lordy, Lance baby. I used to think my fantasies were pretty hot stuff but I never dreamed up anything like you. If this had happened five or six years ago, Carol wouldn't've stood a chance.”

Lance conducted his own survey, smiling with pleasure. As long-legged as Scot. Slim torso. A dusky hairless sheen on a light ripple of muscle. A sudden friendly erection, compact, vigorous, manly, with no extra for show. It was ridiculous that men weren't supposed to feel anything about each other's bodies and he was glad that he could let himself enjoy this physical intimacy. He moved closer. Andy held up a warning hand.

“Don't come too close until I've washed. All niggers smell funny. You know that.”

“A good scrub should help.” Lance reached for him and held him in front of him.

Andy ran a hand along his cock. “Man, that feels
good
,” Andy exclaimed appreciatively. “Such a big fat baby. It's been needing some attention. I'm going to take care of it from now on.”

Lance looked down at Andy's trim instrument, finding its lively thrust very nearly irresistible. Did Andy want his in him as much as he wanted Andy's? They were playing with dynamite but Andy had defused it with playfulness. They would keep it that way. He ran a hand over Andy's furry head and headed them toward the bathroom.

Lance spent the next few evenings with Scot as usual, but afterwards he and Andy talked late into the night, going around and around the familiar problems that stood in the way of a happy and reasonable life for him and Scot. Could they have children, possibly black, when Scot already had a white child? Where could they live? Did Lance have any hope of getting a divorce? Andy was pretty sure he couldn't so long as Pam remained under his mother's control.

“Why did you two have to fall in love with each other?” Andy said with a sigh late one night. “It would've been much easier if it happened to us. Think of it. No children. No need for divorces. It would've ruined my career but I suppose that would've been a small price to pay. We both could've become Western Union messenger boys and lived happily ever after.”

Lance laughed. “That's the sort of job I'd be good at.”

“Everybody's so alike these days, all of us in our little cubbyholes. You forget how difficult it is to be an exception. You and Scot are exceptions. You're going to have to break all the rules.”

For those few days and later, all through the odd winter of frustration and hope and an indispensable sense of slow progress, affection flourished between them like a sturdy growth that bound them to each other and nourished Lance. He had never had a friend and knew that a few years ago the assortment of predigested opinions and attitudes concealed by his cultivated, handsome facade could never have attracted one. He was continually amazed and delighted that he could hold Andy's interest.

Sex had as little to do with it as they both had expected. After the first few times, they knew without saying anything that it wasn't going to become an addiction, but Andy loved seeing Lance with an erection and he was happy to oblige. They frequently showered together and always pushed the beds together on Andy's brief but fairly frequent visits to the city. At moments they felt such satisfaction in each other that Scot seemed almost irrelevant, although all their thoughts and plans were directed at overcoming her resistance to the good life Lance was preparing himself to offer her.

Unexpectedly, as the winter wore on, Lance began to concentrate on art history. He had always liked to sketch and had a deft hand but had never taken it seriously. The discovery that interested him was that he had an eye that cut through the cant of much art literature. A new world opened to him. He began to frequent museums and galleries. He was particularly interested in the contemporary work being shown in the city. It was an interest that he could share with Scot. When something caught her eye at an exhibition, he was able to explain its strengths and weaknesses in a way that enlarged her appreciation.

Andy followed this development with practical encouragement. He investigated the working future Lance might have in curatorial positions with museums or in art criticism. Lance was uncomfortable with the dilettantism implicit in such work. It was getting too close to the family tradition of patronage, too far removed from the gritty reality of Scot's civil rights work. He wanted to be
doing
something, not following what other people did.

“You'll never completely escape your background, baby,” Andy said. “You shouldn't try. It takes a black boy to understand the Negro's problems. People work hard to pick up the culture and education that was handed to you. You're already free of all the phoniness that came with it. You can relax, Lance baby. Scot's really excited about what you're getting into.”

New York could never be good for them, they agreed at last. It was Andy's idea that Lance should know his own country better. He wanted him to go away for a couple of months during the summer, look for a place he thought they'd like, find out how the majority of his compatriots lived. When he came back, his savings would be almost gone and he would have to start doing some of the things they had talked so much about.

Once she was won over, Scot was enthusiastic about the plan. His absence would give her the time she needed to assess how impossible life would be without him. She had known him a year and everything she had learned about him had strengthened the love that had been declared between them at the start.

Spring was a time for euphoria. Lance was gripped by it. He could see an end at last to the waiting. Andy heard that he might be sent to some Central American country on business. If so, he might be able to travel for a couple of days with Lance and get him started on his way. He wanted him to make the trip by bus and train so that he would see what went on between airports.

Lance knew that as the time for his departure approached, Scot was on the verge of giving herself to him; any small incident or word might bring her to him. When it happened, it would be for life and the long wait would be forgotten. Euphoria kept him at a joyful pitch right up to the instant when his dream was shattered forever.

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The Great Urge Downward
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About the Author

Gordon Merrick (1916–1988) was an actor, television writer, and journalist. Merrick was one of the first authors to write about gay themes for a mass audience. He wrote fourteen books, including the beloved Peter & Charlie Trilogy.
The Lord Won't Mind
spent four months on the
New York Times
bestseller list in 1970. Merrick's posthumously published novel
The Good Life
, coauthored with his partner, Charles G. Hulse, was a bestseller as well. Merrick died in Sri Lanka.

All rights reserved, including without limitation the right to reproduce this ebook or any portion thereof in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 1982 by Gordon Merrick

Cover design by Drew Padrutt

ISBN: 978-1-4976-6637-5

This edition published in 2014 by Open Road Integrated Media, Inc.

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New York, NY 10014

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Also Available from Open Road Media

The Great Urge Downward
,

the Sequel to
Perfect Freedom

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