Perfect Match (18 page)

“That's fine, Your Honor,” Fisher says on my behalf. Quentin Brown jumps in. “In addition to bail, Judge, we're asking for a speci al condition of a psychiatric evaluation.”

“We have no problem with that,” Fisher answers. “We'd like one of our own, with a private psychiatrist.”

“Does it matter to the state whether a private or a state psychiatrist is used , Mr. Brown?” the judge asks.

“We want a state psychiatrist.”

“Fine. I'll make that a condition of bail, as well.” The judge writes somethin g down in his file. “But I don't believe $500,000 is necessary to keep this wo man in the state. I'm setting bail at $100,000 with surety.” What happens next is a whirlwind: hands on my arms, pushing me back in the dir ection of the holding cell; Fisher's face telling me he'll call Caleb about th e bail; reporters stampeding up the aisles and into the hall to phone their af filiates. I am left in the company of a deputy sheriff so thin his belt is not ched like a pegboard. He locks me into the cell and then buries his face in Sp orts Illustrated.

I'm going to get out. I'm going to be back home, having lunch with Nathaniel, just like I told Fisher Carrington yesterday.

Hugging my knees to my chest, I start to cry. And let myself believe I just m ight get away with this.

The day it first happened, they had been learning about the Ark. It was this huge boat, Mrs. Fiore told Nathaniel and the others. Big enough to fit all of them, their parents, and their pets. She gave everyone a crayon and a piece of paper to draw their favorite animal. “Let's see what we come up with,” she had said, “and we'll show them all to Father Glen before his story.” Nathaniel sat next to Amelia Underwood that day, a girl who always smelled of spaghetti sauce and the stuff that gets caught in bathtub drains. “Did e lephants go on the boat?” she asked, and Mrs. Fiore nodded. “Everything.”

“Raccoons?”

“Yes.”

“Narwhals?” That from Oren Whitford, who was already reading chapter boo ks when Nathaniel wasn't even sure which way the loop went on a b and a d.

“Uh-huh.”

“Cockroaches?”

“Unfortunately,” Mrs. Fiore said.

Phil Filbert raised his hand. “How about the holy goats?” Mrs. Fiore frowned. “That's the Holy Ghost, Philip, which is something total ly different.” But then she reconsidered. “I suppose it was there too, thoug h.”

Nathaniel raised his hand. The teacher smiled at him. “What animal are you thinking of?”

But he wasn't thinking of an animal at all. “I need to go pee,” he said, and all the other kids laughed. Heat spread across his face, and he grabbed the block of wood that Mrs. Fiore gave him for a bathroom pass and darted out t he door. The bathroom was at the end of the hall, and Nathaniel lingered in there, flushing the toilet a bunch of times just to hear the sound of it; wa shing his hands with so much soap bubbles rose in the sink like a mountain. He was in no rush to get back to Sunday school. In the first place, everyone would still be laughing at him, and in the second place, Amelia Underwood s tank worse than the little cakes inside the bathroom urinals. So he wandered down the hall a little farther, to Father Glen's office. The door was usual ly locked, but right now, there was a crack just big enough for someone like Nathaniel to slip through. Without hesitation, he crept insi de.

The room smelled of lemons, just like the main part of the church. Nathaniel 's mother said that was because a lot of ladies volunteered to scrub the pew s until they were shining, so he figured they probably came into the office and scrubbed too. There were no pews, though-only row after row of bookshelv es. There were so many letters jammed onto the spines of the books that it m ade Nathaniel dizzy to try to sort them all out. He turned his attention ins tead to a picture hanging on the wall, of a man riding a white stallion, and spearing a dragon through its heart.

Maybe dragons hadn't fit onto the Ark, which was why no one ever saw th em anymore.

“St. George was awfully brave,” a voice said behind him, and Nathaniel rea lized he was not alone. “And you?” the priest asked with a slow smile. “Ar e you brave too?”

If Nina had been his wife, Patrick would have sat in the front row of the gallery. He would have made eye contact with her the second she walked thr ough the door of the courtroom, to let her know that no matter what, he wa s there for her. He wouldn't have needed someone to come to his house and spoon-feed him the outcome of the arraignment.

By the time Caleb answers the doorbell, Patrick is furious at him all over ag ain.

“She's out on bail,” Patrick says without preamble. “You'll have to get a c heck for ten thousand dollars to the courthouse.” He stares Caleb down, his hands jammed into the pockets of his jacket. “I assume you can do that. Or were you planning to leave your wife high and dry twice in one day?”

“You mean the way she left me?” Caleb retorts. “I couldn't go. I had no one to watch Nathaniel.”

“That's bullshit. You could have asked me. In fact, I'll watch him right now. You go ahead, get Nina. She's waiting.” He crosses his arms, calling Caleb's bluff.

“I'm not going,” Caleb says, and in less than a breath Patrick pins him again st the doorframe.

“What the fuck is the matter with you?” he grits out. “She needs you now.” Caleb, bigger and stronger, pushes back. He balls a fist, sends Patrick flyin g into the hedge on the path. “Don't you tell me what my wife needs.” In the background is the sound of a tiny voice, calling for his father. Caleb turns, walks inside, closes the door behind him.

Sprawled in the bushes, Patrick tries to catch his breath. He gets to his fee t slowly, extricating leaves from his clothing. What is he supposed to do now ? He cannot leave Nina in jail, and he doesn't have the cash to bail her out himself.

Suddenly the door opens again. Caleb stands there, a check in hand. Patrick takes it and Caleb nods in gratitude, neither one alluding to the fact that only minutes ago, they were willing to kill. This is the currency of apology ; a deal transacted in the name of the woman who has unbalanced both of thei r lives.

I'm ready to give Caleb a piece of my mind for missing the arraignment, but it 's going to have to wait until after I've held Nathaniel so close that he star ts to melt into me. Fidgety, I wait for the deputy to unlock the holding cell and escort me into the anteroom of the sheriff's department. There is a famili ar face there, but it's the wrong one.

“I posted bail,” Patrick says. “Caleb gave me a check.”

“He . . .”I start to speak, and then remember who is standing in front of me. It may be Patrick, but still. I turn to him, wide-eyed, as he leads me out t he service entrance of the courthouse, to avoid the press. “Is he really dead ? Do you promise me he's really dead?”

Patrick grabs my arm and turns me toward him. “Stop.” Pain pulls his features tight. “Please, Nina. Just stop.”

He knows; of course he knows. This is Patrick. In a way it is a relief to no longer have to pretend with him; to have the opportunity to talk to someone who will understand. He leads me through the bowels of the building to a se rvice entrance, and ducks me into his waiting Taurus. The parking lot is fil led with news vans, satellite dishes mounted on top like strange birds. Patr ick tosses something heavy in my lap, a thick edition of the Boston Globe. ABOVE the LAW, the headline reads. And a subtitle: Priest Murdered in Maine; A District Attorney's Biblical Justice. There is a full-color photo of me b eing tackled by Patrick and the bailiffs. In the right-hand corner is Father Szyszynski, lying in a pool of his own blood. I trace Patrick's grainy profile. “You're famous,” I say softly.

Patrick doesn't answer. He stares out at the road, focused on what lies ahead. I used to be able to talk to him about anything. That cannot have changed, just because of what I've done. But as I look out the window I see it is a different world-two-legged cats prance down the street, Gypsies twirl up dr iveways, zombies knock on doors. Somehow I've forgotten about Halloween; to day nobody is the person he was just a day ago. “Patrick,” I begin. He cuts me off with a slash of his hand. “Nina, it's already bad enough. Ev ery time I think about what you did, I remember the night before, at Tequil a Mockingbird. What I said to you.”

People like that, they ought to be shot. I hadn't remembered his words until n ow. Or had I? I reach across the seat to touch his shoulder, to reassure him t hat this isn't his fault, but he recoils from me. “Whatever you're thinking, y ou're wrong. I-”

Suddenly Patrick wrenches the car to the shoulder of the road. “Please, don't tell me anything. I'm going to have to testify during your trial.” But I have always confided in Patrick. To crawl back behind my shell of insa nity seems even crazier; a costume two sizes too small. I turn with a questi on in my eyes, and as usual, he responds before I can even put it into words . “Talk to Caleb instead,” he says, and he pulls back into the midday trickl e of traffic.

Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bone s beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his ne ck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood-finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without . It is the feeling you get when you place the last scrap of the thousand-p iece jigsaw puzzle; it is the last footfall in a photo-finish race; exhilar ation and homecoming and stunned wonder, caught between those stubby finger s and the spaces where baby teeth have given way. Nathaniel barrels into my arms with the force of a hurricane, and just as easily sweeps me off my fe et. “Mommy!”

Oh, I think, this is why.

Over my son's head, I notice Caleb. He stands at a distance, his face impassi ve. I say, “Thank you for the check.”

“You're famous,” Nathaniel tells me. “Your picture was in the paper.”

“Buddy,” Caleb asks, “you want to pick out a video and watch it in my room ?”

Nathaniel shakes his head. “Can Mommy come?”

“In a little while. I have to talk to Daddy first.” So we go through the motions of parenting; Caleb settling Nathaniel on the great ocean of our bedspread, while I push the buttons that set a Disney ta pe into motion. It seems natural that while he waits here, entranced by fan tasy, Caleb and I go into his little boy's room to make sense of what's rea l. We sit on the narrow bed, surrounded by a bevy of appliqued Amazon tree frogs, a rainbow of poisonous color. Overhead, a caterpillar mobile drifts without a care in the world. “What the hell were you doing, Nina?” Caleb sa ys, the opening thrust. “What were you thinking?”

“Have the police talked to you? Are you in trouble?”

“Why would I be?”

“Because the police don't know you weren't planning this with me.” Caleb folds in on himself. “Is that what you did? Plan it?”

“I planned to make it look unplanned,” I explain. “Caleb, he hurt Nathaniel . He hurt him. And he was going to get away with it.”

“You don't know that-”

“I do. I see it every day. But this time, it was my baby. Our baby. How ma ny years do you think Nathaniel will have nightmares about this? How many years will he be in therapy? Our son is never going to be the way he was. Szyszynski took away a piece of him that we'll never get back. So why shou ldn't I have done the same to him?” Do unto others, I think, as you would have them do unto you.

“But Nina. You . . .” He cannot even say it.

“When you found out, when Nathaniel said his name, what was the first tho ught that ran through your mind?”

Caleb looks into his lap. “I wanted to kill him.”

“Yes.”

He shakes his head. “Szyszynski was headed to a trial. He would have been punished for what he did.”

“Not enough. There is no sentence a judge could pass down that would make u p for this and you know it. I did what any parent would want to do. I just have to look crazy to get away with it.”

“What makes you think you can?”

“Because I know what it takes to be declared legally insane. I watch these d efendants come in and I can tell you right away who's going to get convicted and who's going to walk. I know what you have to say, what you have to do.” I look Caleb right in the eye. “I am an attorney. But I shot a man in front of a judge, in front of a whole court. Why would I do that, if I weren't cr azy?”

Caleb is quiet for a moment, turning the truth over in his hands. “Why are yo u telling me this?” he asks softly.

“Because you're my husband. You can't testify against me during my trial. Yo u're the only one I can tell.”

“Then why didn't you tell me what you were going to do?”

“Because,” I reply, “you would have stopped me.” When Caleb gets up and walks to the window, I follow him. I place my hand g ently on his back, in the hollow that seems so vulnerable, even in a man fu ll-grown. “Nathaniel deserves this,” I whisper.

Caleb shakes his head. “No one deserves this.”

As it turns out, you can function while your heart is being torn to shreds. B lood pumps, breath flows, neurons fire. What goes missing is the affect; a cu rious flatness to voice and actions that, if noted, speak of a hole so deep i nside there's no visible end to it. Caleb stares at this woman who just yeste rday was his wife and sees a stranger in her place. He listens to her explana tions and wonders when she took up this foreign language, this tongue that ma kes no sense.

Of course, it is what any parent would want to do to the devil who preys upo n a child. But 99-9 percent of those parents don't act on it. Maybe Nina thi nks she was avenging Nathaniel, but it was at the reckless expense of her ow n life. If Szyszynski had gone to jail, they would be patchwork and piecemea l, but they would still be a family. If Nina goes to jail, Caleb loses a wif e. Nathaniel loses his mother.

Caleb feels fire pooling like acid in the muscles of his shoulders. He is fur ious and stunned and maybe a little bit awed. He has traveled every inch of this woman, he understands what makes her cry and what brings her t o rapture; he recognizes every cut and curve of her body; but he doesn't kn ow her at all.

Nina stands expectantly beside him, waiting for him to tell her she did the r ight thing. Funny, that she would flout the law, but still need his approval. For this reason, and all the others, the words she wants to hear from him wi ll not come.