Perfectly Flawed (8 page)

“All right, honey. Get some sleep. I’m here if you need anything. And I don’t work tomorrow, so I’ll be here when you wake up.”

If only her parents had been kind like her aunt, things might have been different. But they weren’t. And her life was ruined. It was all her fault. Though she fought the idea, she knew it was true. But there was no way to undo the past. It was there like an anchor around her neck, and Kevin striking her brought it all back.

She put on her robe and sat on the bed, hugging her pillow, pale moonlight illuminating the room. Stress weighed on her, pulling her down, the sadness nearly too much. Just beside the bed, in her drawer, Adrianna had some scissors, sharp ones. They would do. Her hand lurched
slightly, impelling her to give in. It would feel so good; she imagined the slice into her skin, the blood, the mild euphoria. It would relieve the pain, give her relief from the dark emotion dragging her to some unbearable place, and would even dull the throbbing in her head.

It would be so easy, and it would only take a moment. Then she would be
feel better. The urge was powerful, like an alcoholic looking at a bottle of booze. Worse, the cap was off and a glass sat propped against the bottle, waiting to be filled, waiting to do its work and numb the senses. The strength of the remedy made it addictive. Adrianna had worked so hard to break free of her addiction, and she’d avoided falling back into the trap over the past few months.

But tonight?
The outcome was uncertain. The night’s disappointment was magnified by the fact that Adrianna had been so close to Sean, tasting his goodness, and knowing she could never have him. Even Kevin’s brutality would be almost bearable if she’d never known anything else. But to see what she might have had, if things had worked out differently, left her with a bitter taste in her mouth and heaviness in her chest.

Arianna looked at the silver handle of the drawer to the night table. All she had to do was reach out, slide it open, and reach inside for the implement. Could she resist? Did she even want to? Tears rolled down her cheeks and nausea hit her belly. Desperately, she clung to the fluffy pillow, the insignificant cloth filled with feathers, the only thing between her and the destructive impulse that might yet win.

Chapter 11

Not long after Adrianna left the club, Sean left too. It seemed his buddies were going to take off with the girls they’d met and check out some other dance places—and find some beer, if Sean knew them as well as he thought he did.

Tomas gave him the keys to his car to drive it back, and Sean grabbed his coat. In the parking lot, he looked around for Adrianna. It was stupid. She’d left half an hour before, so there was no way he’d see her. Still he looked, and observing no other activity in the lot, he hopped into the gold Mustang and drove home.

It was cold out but not snowing. He cranked up the heater and listened to the music Tomas had loaded into the system. But all he could think about was Adrianna, and he was kicking himself for letting her leave with Kevin.

Maybe they were together that very moment in Kevin’s bed, doing things that Sean wanted to be doing. Yet he had trouble imagining it. Adrianna didn’t seem like the kind of girl that would fall into bed easily. Not sure how he knew that, he just knew. So Adrianna with Kevin didn’t fit. He had trouble envisioning it.

Which was good.
Because when he did think of them in bed together, touching each other, it enraged him. Adrianna was special, and she deserved to be treated accordingly. Somehow he didn’t think Not Exactly was up to the task. Sean hoped that they were
not exactly
having a sexual relationship. Maybe it was still in the early dating stage and they hadn’t gotten to it yet.

Sean didn’t call Nell; he didn’t have to. After her shift, she showed up at his apartment again, tired and a little ruffled from work but willing for Sean to make it better. They downed some of the whiskey she’d brought earlier, but even that didn’t warm him up to her. Nell cajoled, teased, and pouted, but nothing seemed to rouse the interest she’d hoped.

“What’s wrong with you tonight?” Nell looked at him, demanding an answer.

“Oh, bad night.
It’s not you, Nell. You’re as beautiful as ever. I’m just not into it, I guess.”

“Well, that’s a first,” she said, grabbing her coat from the sofa. “I’ll find someone else to drink with, then. I hope you snap out of it.”

“I do too. Sorry.”

Sean sat alone, drinking until the wee hours of the morning, hoping to wipe out thoughts of Adrianna. There was nothing he could do right then to make things right. It was the middle of the night. What was he going to do, go knock on her door and ask her if she’d been with Kevin?
And what then?

Thankfully, Sean passed out on the sofa when he had enough alcohol in his system. When he woke up, sun streamed through his living room windows. He squinted and lifted his head, a mistake. His skull felt like someone had been beating on him all night with a bat, and when he rose to a sitting position, queasiness roiled in his gut. Good thing it was Sunday, because he didn’t think he’d have any hope of working with the raging hangover he was sporting.

After a hot shower and swallowing some tablets Nell had left in his kitchen, he felt a little better. She’d said they were a hangover cure. Sean wasn’t sure about that, but with his head pounding, he was willing to try anything. Food was out of the question, so, dressed in his gray sweats, he went out for a jog to labor out of his dull state.

Whether the jog would help or not, he wasn’t sure, but the blast of freezing air that hit him when he stepped onto the sidewalk slapped him into alertness. His urban high rise was nestled among the brownstones and quaint shops, near the southern edge of Beacon Hill. Nearby Boston Common’s twisty, labyrinthine walkways made an ideal jogging route. Music from street
musicians cut through the beautiful serenity of the area, piercing the tranquility with life and entertainment.

Sean strutted across the park as he had in all seasons, in all kinds of weather. A little cold didn’t dissuade him. Not far away, tall office buildings rose above the trees, the manmade structures contrasted against the natural beauty surrounding him. Frog Pond was no longer iced over, and the skaters that frequented it had moved on to other activities.

Taking one of his longer routes, Sean jogged twice his usual distance, pushing harder to wear himself out. Back at the apartment, he stripped, took a second shower, and tended to his personal grooming at the glass-bowl sink and counter in his steamy bathroom.

Hunger finally gnawed at his stomach, so he drove to a nearby coffee shop for a sausage with cheese muffin and a triple espresso. Drinking the night before, and the oblivion that followed, had done little to bring him closer to Adrianna. But the hard
workout and strong coffee had jogged something in his mind. The fact was he was going to seduce Adrianna.

Clearly, she wasn’t going to fall into his arms easily, so stronger measures were called for. He hadn’t known of any woman to resist him when he really poured on the charm, and Sean hoped Adrianna had the same weakness.

Reinvigorated with food and exercise, his confidence boosted with new resolve, Sean felt better. But he wasn’t going to feel right, and the ache in his gut wasn’t going to go away, until he had her in his arms. And he intended for that to be sooner rather than later.

*****

Monday seemed to take forever to arrive; the hours ticked by slower than molasses. When at last Sean was in his car headed for the law office, his excited anticipation became a knot in his belly. More than once, he’d asked to see Adrianna, and on each occasion she’d turned him down. This time would be different.

Adrianna arrived first again, and Sean saw her talking to Emmett in the conference room. Taking his time, strolling down the hall, he gazed at her profile. She wore a powder-blue jacket, the pastel color against her porcelain skin and golden blond hair, making her look like an angel. She seemed out of place in the structured business environment. He imagined her reclining on the soft sheets of a canopy bed or sipping wine on the veranda of an estate. Adrianna was all class—too classy for Sean, really, but that wasn’t going to stop him.

“Oh, Sean, good morning,” Emmett said when he entered the room. “Adrianna was just showing me some ideas she’s come up with, and I’d like to see what you think.”

First of all, Sean was impressed that she’d produced ideas on the graphics when they’d spent so little time discussing the subject. She must have logged in and studied all the notes on strategy he’d entered into the group project.
Smart girl.

Sean took the liberty of looking over Adrianna’s shoulder to assess the specific designs Emmett referred to. Preferring to lean close to her and inhale her perfume over sitting at a distance, Sean put his hand on the back of her chair as he studied her work.

Intentionally, he let his hand rub against her back, wanting to touch her, if only through fabric. And even with the wool of her jacket blocking any real contact with her skin, the light touch seared his fingertips, sending heat up his arm and down to his crotch.

As if burned, Sean pulled back and casually plopped in a chair across from Emmett, with Adrianna to his right. “Good, very good,” he said, though he’d barely noticed what was on the page.

“Excellent. I’m glad to see getting you two together is working out. I’ll leave you to it, then.” Emmett stood and, taking his notepad with him, left the room.

The silence he left behind was heavy. Sean wanted to say so much, ask so much. He’d planned to be very suave and forthcoming. Yet so close, near enough to lean over and kiss Adrianna, something froze inside him. If he dared, if he let go with his urge to have her, Sean wouldn’t be able to hold back. That he knew. So he waited, allowing her to make the first move.

Sensing something was different, he studied her. Was the dance they shared as memorable for her as it was for him? He hoped that was the case, and that Adrianna felt differently towards him because of it. Unable to even conceive that she’d left the club and fallen into the arms of her date, Sean blocked that out, focusing on the emotion he saw in her expression. If only he knew what it was he saw.

“You’re a good dancer,” she said, but didn’t smile.

“With you I am.”

Adrianna flushed then shuffled some papers, as if looking for something.

“I think I’m going to have trouble concentrating on work today.”

“Oh, why is that?” Adrianna didn’t look up, and Sean noticed that her hair fell in soft curls across her cheeks, her bangs touching her eyebrows. It must be a different hairstyle, he thought, as he didn’t recall it being so wavy. But he liked how the blond wisps fell forward.

“Because you are so beautiful.”

Adrianna clasped her hands together tightly and studied her notes. Not the reaction he expected.

“Are you okay today?”

“Yes, fine,” she said, but her words didn’t seem to match what he witnessed. Sean wanted to hold her, and any reason would do. The fact that she seemed to need it made him want to that much more.

“Fine, huh?”

“Yes.” She glanced at him.

“I think you need some coffee. That will perk you up.” Sean stood.

“We can’t leave every time we meet. We’ll never get anything done.”

“Not out for coffee. I just meant go to the break room. I could smell it brewing when I walked down the hall. Let’s go see what they’ve got.” He opened the heavy door and waited for her.

Adrianna pushed her chair back slowly and stood up. As she walked by Sean, her head was tilted slightly down, her hair covering her beautiful face. In the narrow doorway, her shoulder brushed against Sean’s chest, and the touch made his heart pound.

He followed her down the hall, where the aroma of ground coffee was strong, and they went into the room. Like any employee lounge, it was decorated with laminated tables and chairs—no artwork, no rugs. Utilitarian at best, it served its purpose with a huge refrigerator, microwave, and coffee pot. Sean reached into the cupboard and retrieved two ceramic mugs.

“So, how was your weekend…after you saw me?” Sean poured hot coffee into two mugs and set them on one of the tables.

Adrianna followed him and sat in a chair to his right. “Fine.”

“Everything’s just a little too ‘fine.’ I think you’re not talking to me.”

“I’m talking.”

“If you say so.”
Sean took a sip of the steaming brew. It was standard fare, likely grocery store coffee. But he could have been drinking colored water for all he cared. The lunchroom retreat offered an opportunity to be with Adrianna. Thus, the white walls, linoleum floors, and sturdy plastic furniture had a sensual air merely from her proximity to them.

“What did
you
do…the rest of the weekend?” Adrianna blew over the hot coffee, the innocent gesture causing a ripple of sensation in Sean.

“The highlight?
Got drunk.”

“What for?”

“Not that I need a reason. But do you really want to know?”

“You think I shouldn’t know?”

“Actually, you should.”

Adrianna looked at him and widened her eyes, their blue color even bluer next to the same-color jacket she wore.

Sean swigged his coffee. “I got drunk because you left me. You were with another guy. And it was killing me.” Looking at her, feeling her nearness, Sean’s heart raced.

Adrianna stared back, but didn’t react. If only she would say something, tell him she felt the same way.
Anything.

“I think we should go back to work,” she said softly. There was no real intention in her voice. The words were just words, their meaning not matching their sound. It sounded to Sean as though she’d said something completely different. The melody of her voice, the softness with which she spoke, conveyed some hope to Sean, some vague impression that she felt like he did.

That must have been why he lost it; his casual demeanor was gone. The moment was highly charged between them. It was as if a window opened, and an opportunity was presented. It was the right moment; if he let it pass it might never come again. Sean reached out and put his hand over Adrianna’s.

She didn’t pull back. Sadness came into her eyes and a knife stabbed Sean’s heart. He lifted her hand to his lips and pressed her soft skin to his mouth. Breathing in her fragrance, his eyes fluttered. When his mouth touched her hand, Adrianna flinched, barely perceptibly. Taking it for shyness, Sean rubbed the inside of her wrist with his fingertips.

“Adrianna,” he mouthed.

She looked at him with big eyes, and it seemed for a fleeting moment, the wall she’d erected between them dissolved. In that brief flash, Sean saw it, the feeling she had for him. Finally, something he recognized—something he understood. Encouraged, he lifted her chin and leaned closer. Her hair fell back, skimming her shoulders. With his other hand, he put his palm on her soft cheek.

And she winced. Suddenly, Adrianna pulled back and turned away. But it was too late. Sean had seen it. When he’d touched her and her hair brushed back, he saw the injury to her cheek. She’d done well to cover it up with makeup, and without getting so close Sean would never have known.

The new hairstyle and making a point to sit with her left side toward him were ways to ensure the injury to her the right side of her face wasn’t visible. The hair and the makeup were intended to hide the redness and slight swelling under her cheekbone. Her behavior made sense.