Perfectly Hopeless (13 page)

“
I’m not confused, Henri.” She insisted. She dropped back into the grass letting out a sigh. She wondered if now was the time to tell him just how much she liked him, or if it was better to keep that to herself.

“
You and Jake have a history. A long one.” He told her. “You and I both have a right to know if you still have feelings for Jake now that he is single.”

Maven shot up again from the grass. Henri was taking it all the wrong way. This had nothing to do with Jake. She didn’t want to figure anything out. She wanted to tell Henri just how much she cared about him and how sad she was at the thought of losing him now that she was so attached to him. That it hurt to wake up every day wondering if he was still going to be around and if so how long.

Or how every night before she went to bed she wished she could just pick up the phone and speak the words her heart wanted to shout from the rooftops, that he was the most amazing boy she ever met. But she was afraid to burden him with that.

Henri expected her to say something. To tell him he wasn’t right in saying what he said. To confirm that Jake was the last thing on her mind and that the idea of ever feeling anything for that guy would never happen. She deserved better then Jake.

He wanted her to look at him with those big blue eyes and tell him she only thought about him anymore, to say anything.

“
That’s not it,” Maven said. She frowned, biting at her nails.

Henri stood. Maven stared up at him. “What are you doing, Henri?”

“
I’m going to head home.” He offered her his hand to help her up.

“
But I don’t understand. Are you upset with me?”

Henri laughed. But it wasn’t because he was amused. He was far from it. He shoved his hands in his pockets, staring down at the ground. It was hard to look at her in a time like this. “Maven go figure out what you want.”

“
Henri.”

“
You’re having a bad day. You weren’t having one until the other day when Jake showed up.” He touched her face and finally looked at her. “I’m not angry with you. You have every right to see if there are still feelings there. Call me later ok?”

She watched him walk off. Another crash of lighting sounded in the distance, rain drops splattering all around her. She dropped back down in the grass, drawing her knees to her chest. She didn’t have it in her to chase after Henri and own up to how she was feeling. It would just hurt him. And she didn’t want to do that.

Gift

Maven played the video of Henri again in her bedroom. She watched Henri’s eyes, enjoying how when he smiled they lit up, turning his brown eyes into nothing more than a tight squint. The way he looked at her, if she hadn’t seen it for herself she would have never realized that the way Henri looked at her was magical. A different way then you normally looked at others.

“
Or maybe I’m just stupid.” She sat her phone down.

She turned the video off and picked it back up. And with no difficulty at all she punched a number in her phone, one that was unknown because she had deliberately deleted it. At one time it was number one on her speed dial. The only number she knew how to dial most days.

The phone rang several times before he picked up.

“
Hi,” she said, she pressed her chin to her knee staring at her purple toenail polish.

“
Wow. This is a number I haven’t seen in a long time,” Jake said.

“
We need to talk.”

“
Okay. So talk. I really don’t want to be thrown down a flight of stairs by your dad again.”

Maven rolled her eyes. “It wasn’t a flight of stairs. And you deserved it, Jake.” She couldn’t believe she was talking to Jake. She needed answers and this was the only way to get them. “I’ll meet you at your parent’s house.”

She listened for Jake to agree or say anything at all.

“
I’ll be here.”

She knew meeting up with Jake Summit was probably the worst thing she could do. But what if deep down a piece of her really did still care about Jake, she thought, on her way to his parents home.

She hurried along the cobblestone street, her feet in a rush to get it done and over with. Suddenly she was in a full on sprint to get there quicker. Her hair fluttering behind her through the breeze, she was almost panicking.

So many times before she had made this exact trip, past the park, the museum, and the old town hall that no longer housed anything at the moment, but this time it wasn’t for the same reason.

She was on her way to Jake’s house to prove for once and for all that there was nothing between them anymore. So she could move on. She didn’t need hope anymore because she knew the things you wanted weren’t necessarily the things that you needed. She knew that the things that were meant to be just happened. You couldn’t control them like she once thought.

She stopped walking once she realized she was already standing in front of Jake’s home. Her feet reluctant to climb the steps she so many times before climbed, she spotted the familiar potted plants that lined the steps with petunias. The American flag that swayed in front of the brick home at all times, all year long, because his father was so patriotic.

Her eyes raised to find Jake’s bedroom window above her. She took a deep breath, climbing the stairs. Before she had to force herself to knock the door opened and out walked Jake. He was dressed in dark cargo shorts and a red t-shirt one size to small. He liked to showcase his strongly built figure.

He slipped his hands into the pockets of his shorts, and looked at her. “That was fast.”

Maven nodded. “I wanted to get this over with.”

Jake sat down on his porch steps. Maven looked past searching for his parents. It didn’t look as if anyone was home. She took a seat. The last thing she wanted was his parents talking and informing her father she had been sighted at their home.

“
What do you need to get over with?” Jake asked, sanding his hands together before he leaned forward and rested his arms against his legs. “I’ve wanted to talk to you too.”

Maven looked away from him. It made it easier to say how she felt if she didn’t have to look at him. “A month ago I would have been overjoyed you and Tatiana broke up.”

Jake surprised her by not saying something to irritate her for once.

“
But now I’m just angry at you for doing what you did because it didn’t last.” She finally looked at him. “You and I have known each other our entire life. You ruined a lot when you and Tatiana got together. It’s not just about the fact that you lied to me for months about her. It’s that you treated me like the bad guy. You made my life miserable all because you wanted somebody else. And at the time I didn’t understand why, and I was hurt, Jake.” She could feel the tears coming to the surface.

Jake put an arm around her. “Things got boring. I’ve known you since I was in kindergarten, Tatiana was new.”

Maven pulled away. If that was his form of making her feel better he
really
was an idiot.

“
I know that’s not what you want to hear. But, do you really blame me?” He laughed. “I’m a guy, these things happen, Maven. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t work this out now that I realized Tatiana wasn’t what I wanted. This can go back to normal.” He scanned her eyes for acceptance of his foolish idea.

Maven studied him closely. His eyes boring into her like every time before, but not in a charming way. It was just the way he looked at her, the way he looked at everyone, as if he had no brain cells in his head and he expected to be forgiven because he had great eyes, perfect teeth, and James Dean hair.

She stared back, not moving a muscle. Jake raised a hand, pushing her hair from her shoulder. He leaned in, nudging her lips with his own. His mouth strong and insistent, not gentle or thoughtful, the kiss continued, her hands stayed in her lap, while his gripped her shoulders, keeping her in place so he could keep going.

Maven pulled away, wincing. She had forgotten his disgusting habit of biting. He thought it was hot, and she was sure it could be if he didn’t come close to drawing blood when he did it. Jake moved in again, but this time she pressed her hand into his chest stopping him.

He shook his head, grabbing her by the wrist. “Tell me you don’t feel something between us still.” He smirked, one hand gripping her wrist, the other creeping through her hair, pushing it off of her shoulders again. “I don’t miss this hair that’s for sure. It’s so long and annoying.” He touched her neck. “Get’s in the way of the more important parts of your body.”

“
I don’t feel anything. And I don’t care what you think about my hair.” She wrenched her arm loose, standing up. Jake shot up too. His eyes filled with resentment.

“
That’s just ridiculous. You can’t honestly think that idiot is better than me.”

“
Yeah I can. And the only idiot is me for thinking this would help me see what was right in front of my face.” She started down the stairs.

“
What’s that, Maven?” Jake crossed his arm. “You think you found some great guy that’s going to treat you better? Once he knows the real you, he will find his own Tatiana, you will see that it’s not because I am an asshole, it’s because you’re just that boring.”

Maven ignored his vicious words turning to leave. She concentrated on putting distance between Jake and herself, not the foul mouth that was hurling horrible insults at her. Or the threats he was making trying to prove just how big and bad he was.

She told herself it was nothing more than Jake’s ego. He couldn’t stand not getting what he wanted. But now she knew that there was nothing between her and Jake anymore. And there would never be again.

She was over Jake Summit.

Sunbeams

The dull hum in the empty doctor’s office, the soft patter of footsteps on the other side of the door, even the crinkle and crunch of the paper beneath him was grating on Henri’s nerves today. Another appointment, another hour of his life left to the wayside for the doctor to come in check his vitals and ask him how he was feeling. For him to check the pacemaker residing in his chest and tell him that everything looked good.

What was good about a device designed to remind his pathetic heart to beat correctly? Some would say obviously to keep him alive. But Henri felt nothing more than robotic relying on a machine to keep him going.

Sometimes at night he lay in bed, staring at his ceiling, wondering how many times he had been saved from dying because of his pacemaker. And then other thoughts crept into his mind. The ones that made him feel bad for living a life that wasn’t meant for him. He wasn’t made right, his body had many flaws. He wasn’t supposed to be breathing anymore. The only reason he was—science. On some occasions he was alright with that. But days like today he couldn’t help but feel like it didn’t matter.

The door opened. Henri prepared himself for horrible news. He hadn’t been feeling all that great. He barely wanted to get out of bed this morning. He wasn’t going to deny it. He wasn’t certain if it were depression or stupidity. He rubbed the back of his neck watching Maven’s mother sift through his file, her back turned to him. She hadn’t even said hello. Maybe she was too afraid to hand over the bad news. Or maybe she just didn’t want to look at him knowing his tie to Maven was slowly drifting into the oblivion. He wanted to tell her it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t the first time someone dumped him. He wanted to inform her that being dead last was kind of normal to him.

Jake Summit was a healthy, good looking guy. It made sense Maven would want Jake over him. His heart quickened. He just wished she would turn around and say something. His mind drifted back to Maven. She hadn’t picked Jake over him. She hadn’t even said anything like that to him. He was getting ahead of himself.

“
Henri.” She took a few steps forward, her white doctors’ coat skimming past her knee. He studied her red heels. Not many doctors were so stylish. He was used to staring at running shoes or the kind to help ease a backache. The kind he expected to see today, but instead, there was Maven’s mother.

Henri lifted his head allowing her to inspect his lymph nodes. Opening his mouth for the usual peek, next he followed her pen, bored. He watched her write something down and then quickly place it in the pocket of her coat.