Perfectly Toxic (The Sterling Shore Series Book 9) (30 page)

Chapter 61

ETHAN

The pain in her eyes was fucking terrible to see last night. But the cold detachment I see in her eyes now is a thousand times worse. I almost want to hand her a knife and tell her to cut me to pieces, because that’s what it feels like she’s doing right now.

I’ve just been looped into the circus of assholes who came before me. I’ve just been discounted as one of the many who’ve hurt her. And it’s all my fault. I went too far instead of just telling her I was pissed.

No. I felt like I had to hurt her much worse than she’d hurt me. And I knew better. Now she’s pulling away, and there’s no one to blame but myself.

I’ve gone and followed my uncle’s footsteps after promising him I never would.

“Bella, I know what I said, and I know what I did, but I swear I’ve never touched Star. You can even ask her—”

Her bitter laughter cuts me off, and I replay that last bit, admitting it was really fucking stupid to say aloud.

“Yeah. I’ll make sure to call her tonight. Maybe we can even go shopping together,” she states flatly.

When she tries to walk around me, I block her path, and she crosses her arms over her chest while glaring at me. No pain is in her eyes right now. No, she’s pissed.

Except, she’s not the kind of pissed I’m used to. She’s cold and pissed. She’s the Bella no one can touch right now. I’ve never met that Bella before, and I wish I wasn’t face to face with her right now.

“I wanted to hurt you—”

“Congratulations. Mission accomplished,” she interrupts.

“—but it was stupid. I get that. I was hurting, because I fucking felt miserable all week, and you were dodging me. I thought you were done, and I didn’t feel worthy of a fucking explanation. It was killing me, Bella.”

Her coldness melts away just a little, enough for the Bella I know to show through the cracks.

“I tried calling hundreds of times, sent texts, and even went to your house. You weren’t home, and you wouldn’t call me back. You wouldn’t acknowledge I existed. It fucking hurt. Okay? Like a drunken ass, I lashed out, but everything I said was bullshit that spilled out in the heat of the moment,” I go on, explaining in a rush before she tries to take off.

Her eyes change, even though her rigid, hands-off posture remains in place.

“I came to your house last night to tell you I loved you,” she says, shocking the absolute fuck out of me. “Instead, I got to find out how little I meant to you. That’s life, I guess. But at least I know how little you feel for me now.”

I stumble to the side when she walks by me this time, and she stabs the elevator button with her finger. The doors open immediately, and she steps inside, pressing a button. My feet are lead, but I start to speak.

However, she beats me to the punch. “Pick your jaw up off the floor. It’s not a good look for you. Have a nice life, Ethan. All the best.”

With that, the doors seal and my legs start working again, as though the binds holding them in place finally snap. I head for the stairs, taking them two at a time on the way down. A group of people explode through one door like an office party just broke up, and I get tangled up in them, shoving my way through until I can start running down the stairs again.

Just as I break through the exit door, I see her Acura turning at the red light. Fuck!

She shocked me, but I should have recovered quicker. And I really don’t like how final her tone sounded, as though she thinks we’re over.

She can’t fucking tell me she loves me then just walk away like that’s the end.

I spend the next four hours going all over Sterling Shore, but Bella has apparently decided to not be found. When I call Allie, she hangs up on me. When I call Wren, he tells me he’s trying to find her, but Allie won’t tell him anything.

When I call Rye, he offers to bring over some whiskey, but assures me Brin knows nothing about where to find Bella.

Rain, Dane, Raya, Kade, Kode, Tria… No one knows any-damn-thing. And I’m stuck chasing air by the end of the night.

But I know where she works, and she has to go back sometime.

Chapter 62

BELLA

“How’s the house?” Ruby asks me over the phone as I clock out at the hospital.

I pull out the cards on the four bouquets that arrived for me today, and one by one, I place the pretty arrangements in the rooms of the patients who never have any visitors. Maybe something good will come out of Ethan trying to buy his way back into my life.

He’s been sending them all week, but I’m glad he’s not coming to the hospital himself. It’s tough enough to read the cards. It’d be impossible to not hear him break my heart all over again.

The cards are all filled with endless apologies. It’s not like I expected a declaration of love, but I did tell him how I feel, and it’s become apparent that he likes me, but he’s not in love with me.

Liking me just isn’t enough right now. That picture-perfect image in my head loses more light every day. He’ll stop apologizing when I inform him that he’s a father. He sure as hell won’t send me any declarations of love then.

Somehow, this is all my fault. Somehow, I’m the one blaming myself for Ethan and Star. I’m not even sure if I’m stupid for wanting to believe him, but the logical part of my mind tells me it happened, no matter what he says.

Hard. Stay hard, Bella. It’s not just you that you have to consider anymore, and bad decisions in men result in bad decisions in life.

I was wrong about Ethan when I thought I could weather the storm. He’s more than a little rain and lightning. He’s a freaking savage hurricane.

“I love it. Thanks again for letting me stay there. Why are you getting rid of it?” I ask Ruby, pushing aside all thoughts of Ethan, since they seem to consume me when I allow them to.

“I’m not getting rid of it,” she says as I walk out to my car, leaving behind the tiring day and exhausting thoughts. “I’ve just been staying with Corbin, since his house is twice the size of mine. Sorry about all the uncomfortable furniture. I swapped all my good stuff out with Corbin’s shitty stuff.”

I’ve been so numb that I haven’t noticed the furniture comfort level, but I don’t say that. I’m playing a part, because I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. And I keep asking for favors, slowly whittling away that pillar of pride I’ve kept intact for so long.

All because I can’t be strong and face Ethan again. I doubt I can walk away twice, and until he gives up, I can’t go home.

In truth, I think he just likes the chase. We’ve always been toxic like that. It’s when he has me that he pushes me away, and I do the same to him. Again, that image in my head gets a little dimmer as the light of reality flushes out more of the fantasy.

“If you want me out, just say the word. I promise I won’t be upset,” I say, even though I’ve already told her this.

“Don’t be ridiculous. A house is like a person. If it isn’t shown attention and taken care of, it falls apart. The longer you’re there, the less I have to worry about it sitting empty.”

A house is like a person… Yeah, well, this person apparently needs a new tenant, because I’m falling apart.

“Again, thanks. I promise I won’t be too long.”

“Well, I get it, if that makes you feel any better, but eventually you’re going to have to face your problems head on. Running only gets you so far, and Ethan, for all his faults, would be devastated if he didn’t know he had a kid.”

“I’m going to tell him eventually, Ruby,” I say on sigh. “Just not until I have to. Call me a procrastinator, but the wounds are still just too fresh.”

It’s not the truth of my reasons, but I have enough pride left not to say my true reasons aloud.

She’s quiet for a long moment, but I know something is coming.

“Bella, he cares about you. He’s been driving everyone insane with trying to figure out where you’re staying. I’m not sure how long he’ll keep his distance from the hospital. Corbin talked him out of going there twice already. He’s promising him that they’ll fire you if he shows up and causes a scene, and that you’d never let him save your job again.”

She’s right. I wouldn’t let Corbin save my job again. My pride took one hell of a hit when I let him do it the first time.

“Tell Corbin thanks. Hopefully Ethan will eventually let this fade away. It only took seven days the first time. I guess I should have left it alone then. Don’t worry, he’ll forget all about me soon enough, and life can resume as normal.”

“Until you tell him you’re pregnant,” she states, sounding as though she’s suspicious.

“Of course,” I say flatly, slowly edging back into the cold comfort of detachment.

“Um… okay,” she continues, sounding unconvinced. “You heading to the house now?”

“Not yet. I have a few errands to run, but I’ll be there in about two hours. Need something?”

“Nah. Just worried about you is all.”

“I’m fine, so stop worrying.”

“I’ll talk to you later then. I have to get some ink done.”

“Bye, Ruby. And thank you.”

“You don’t have to keep thanking me, Bella. We’re friends. I’m always here for my friends.”

I’m not sure why that makes tears prick my eyes, but I clear my throat and thank her again before hanging up. It’s always been just Allie and me against the world. It’s hard to believe I suddenly have a slew of friends who are just as devoted to me as she is.

But Ruby’s right. We are friends. I’d do anything for her if she ever needed it.

By the time I reach my temporary home, I’m exhausted. Unfortunately, it looks like someone decided to throw a party in my absence. I check twice to make sure I’m at the right house, and get a little queasy when I realize I am.

Cars are everywhere, and a brief sense of panic hits me. Until I see Allie’s new Escalade among them.

What the hell?

Rain’s car. Tria’s car. Brin’s pimped out Camry. Ruby’s car. Even Raya’s car is here. I’m fairly positive I see Ash’s SUV among them. And is that Bo’s car? What the ever-loving-hell is going on?

I walk in, wondering if I forgot my birthday, half expecting a “surprise” to be yelled at me when I enter. Instead, I’m greeted by a group of girls all sitting in Ruby’s living room on the sterile furniture like they’re waiting on a funeral procession. They’re all gathered around quietly, as though they’ve been waiting on me to get here.

I look around, confused, when no one speaks.

“Um… Did I miss something? Forget a girls’ night?” I ask, getting a little creeped out with everyone’s eyes on me.

“No,” Allie says as she stands up and takes a deep breath. “This is sort of an intervention.”

My eyebrows go up in surprise. “Okay… What are you intervening? Because I haven’t touched drugs. I rarely ever drink. Well, now I don’t drink at all.” I omit my pregnancy thing, since half of them aren’t aware of it. “And I have no vices that I’m aware of. Someone want to fill me in?”

Tria starts to speak, but then stops.

Instead, Ruby takes the floor, well, figuratively speaking, since she remains sitting.

“It’s about the baby.”

My eyes widen, but she shrugs. “Sorry. They all know.”

Brin clears her throat a few times. “Allie told Wren she wasn’t pregnant,” Brin explains. “And Wren told everyone else. The guys haven’t done the math yet, but they all sort of did.”

She gestures to Rain, Raya, Tria, and Ash. “I couldn’t lie to them when they asked. I couldn’t even lie to Rye that night. He doesn’t know you’re pregnant, but I stuttered and couldn’t answer when he thought it was me, because I knew he’d ask who was pregnant.”

“And Rye freaked out, even though he loves you. Imagine how Ethan is going to take it,” I point out angrily, feeling like they’re all teaming up on me, when moments ago I felt like I had friends galore.

“Rye’s childhood has scared him off from having children. He had an issue with commitment for the same reason,” Brin says quietly. “There’s a reason he reacted that way. Ethan won’t.”

That’s because she doesn’t know about his childhood, even though he doesn’t seem affected by it anymore. Apparently Rye’s scars run deeper than Ethan’s, but that doesn’t mean things would be different.

“Why is everyone here?” I ask, expecting a more detailed answer.

“Because Ethan needs to know,” Rain says softly. “I realize he’s probably done something really messed up, because he’s Ethan. It’s a Noles thing. Trust me, I have more Noles in me than I like to admit. We tend to royally fuck up the best things in our lives. But he’s not Edward—my father. He’s better than him. He’d love his kid, Bella.”

“And I’m going to tell him when I’m ready,” I say defensively. “This is my child. Not any of yours.”

“She’s right,” Raya says, then she gets glared at by everyone. Raya shrugs. “What? She is. This isn’t our business. I’ve had my entire Drivel family poking their noses into my engagement since they found out about it. Kade’s family is determined to make this a historical event. No one cares what we think, and it’s our lives. Just like this is Bella’s life.”

“And a child’s life too,” Ash says, sitting up a little straighter as her eyes meet mine. She’s the only one in the room to understand my situation, so when she speaks, I listen.

“You’re not staying silent because this is what you want. You think you’re being noble by sparing him the responsibility you believe he doesn’t want in his life, right?” she asks softly.

It’s not the only reason, but I slowly nod, finding it a little eerie about how dead-on she is about half of my reason.

“I’m a hypocrite for even saying this, but you should tell him. It’s the thing I regret most.” Tears glimmer in her eyes as she chokes back her emotion. “Tag is such an incredible father, but in the beginning, I never thought it would be what he wanted. I was you, Bella. I didn’t want to take away his fun life with the responsibility that comes with a child. And every single day, I live with the regret of that being the wrong decision, because it was. Don’t take this away from Ethan. Let him decide how he feels. Don’t decide it for him.”

And just like that, the rug is jerked out from under me. There was never a time that I wasn’t going to tell Ethan. I was just hoping that by some miracle, we’d be that family… Like Tag and Ash. Like Wren and Allie… Like Dane and Rain…

In my head, somewhere in the back, I was holding out for the possibility of that picture-perfect family. One where he loved me and his unborn child. One where this was all he wanted.

Telling him means watching his face fall as his future is ripped away. This baby means everything to me.

That hope for that family has been keeping me sane and warm. When the illusion finally shatters, it’ll be devastating, because I know we’ll never be like all of them. As soon as he finds out, that hope will be stripped away and I’ll be left cold.

Reality is colder than denial. It’s more commanding and harsh under the microscope.

The dam breaks, and I drop to my knees, crying once again as the weight of it all crashes down on me without mercy. They don’t even know why I’m crying, but they think they do.

I’m swarmed with arms wrapping around me, as the family I never had suddenly comes to be a sisterhood I never expected. And for the first time in my life, I fall apart in front of someone other than Allie, losing that last bit of pride I was clinging to.

Now I have nothing.