Personae (11 page)

LUDWIG: Damn me if the mere voicing of questions hasn’t led me to
question,
resulting in an expanding universe of explananda. And send me further down if that’s not the way of this place where what we say with conviction determines truth more than the other way around. Yet this remains a time and place to act
on
not
in
.

(
Ludwig
turns
and
returns
to
Adam.
Clarissa
remains
alone
preparing.
)

CLARISSA: And precisely when does an eager embrace with Death’s most trusted deputy convert into a kind of plausibly deniable self-immolation? Who wears more blame? He who sits on the piano to play poorly or she who ignores the strident notes and allows herself to be played on?

Maybe I’m more like a player piano, feed the sheet and listen to the highly predictable result. If so I aver that I’m out of tune. I can sound the notes, vary their volume and timbre, but they’ll no longer take melodious form.

At least if unjust suffering is somehow graver I can content myself with the justice of mine. After all should I not feed on the same meal I prepared and served others? And if I consume more of it and accordingly get sicker is that not just?

(
Ludwig
enters.
)

LUDWIG: You know Clarissa I didn’t mean to suggest that you had to be the one to go.

CLARISSA: I’m sorry, you were mean to suggest what?

LUDWIG: No I’m saying I didn’t
intend
 . . . to insinuate that…

CLARISSA: Don’t worry Ludwig, I think I understand.

LUDWIG: You do?

CLARISSA: Of course, you feel guilty.

LUDWIG: Guilty?

CLARISSA: Sure. I know what you did.

LUDWIG: You do? I can explain.

CLARISSA: I mean you had this great benefit to confer and four friends in great need of beneficence and you essentially chose me. Don’t think I don’t appreciate it is what I’m saying.

LUDWIG: Listen.

CLARISSA: So grateful am I in fact that I’m going to
ex
post
facto
make you feel better about your decision.

LUDWIG: Listen.

CLARISSA: Because I haven’t told anybody this. But I have a child, a son, I’ll be returning to.

LUDWIG: A son?

CLARISSA: Yes, a star so powerful his rising and setting is momentous enough to determine my days. And here’s a thing little said about the parent-child dynamic. Someone, let’s say an infant, is born. An adult, maybe two, will then fix its gaze on the reluctant arriviste and experience an emotion so strong we had to name it love. The possible commonplace is that said adult’s love for the child will continue to grow throughout the child’s lifetime despite the indubitable fact that the recipient becomes less loveable over time. Any doubters can witness the inevitable mother’s background tears as her reprobate son is led to the electric chair.

The ugly secret, of course, is that the child’s love for the adult will not grow. It will dwindle and fade commensurate with Nature’s assault on the relevant body. This lack of reciprocity may ensure an orderly revolution between the living and the dead but it can be a cruel turn for those who end up at the bottom looking up at where they once were.

LUDWIG: I didn’t know. When I said you should be the one to go… I… didn’t know.

CLARISSA: I know but now it’s all the more perfect. Let’s go (
gathering
her
things
) I’ve prepared some words.

(
Clarissa
leaves
suddenly,
moving
toward
the
others
and
leaving
Ludwig
alone.
)

LUDWIG: Do I even have to say that someone had to go and that this someone will inevitably have built human connections they must jeopardize? It would have to be the strongest connection we know of though: a mother and her son, a son folded into his mother. Isn’t an offense directed at her most powerful emblem a blow against Life itself? And wouldn’t banishment then constitute an appropriate retaliatory deprivation?

No matter because the equities cry out in my favor. Did I not feel my breast swell with truth as I declared that someone had to go? And didn’t that swelling subside only slightly when I identified her as the ideal goer? I say true words animated by false air retain their value as truth and a proper end justifies my meaning. That then settles the matter.

(
pause
)

Yes, quite the settlement. Any doubt as to guilt rejected as not reasonable. For like a cough in the fugitive dark the rationalization identifies and exposes the guilty. Lady and Gentleman Factfinder: he sought to rationalize his actions through florid speech and The Judge will instruct you that you may properly infer a consciousness of guilt from such a flight away from truth.

(
pause
)

But there remains time for the remedy to halt any poisonous progress!

(
He
runs
toward
Clarissa
to
find
her
standing
with
her
belongings
near
the
exit
and
formally
addressing
the
others.
)

CLARISSA: In sum I think the coinage
heavy
heart
caught on more out of alliterative allure than any great metaphorical value so I’m striving here for a more genuine and revelatory…

LUDWIG: I’m sorry to interrupt Clarissa.

CLARISSA: Yes, you are.

LUDWIG: But could I have a word with you?

CLARISSA: You can have as many as you need provided you don’t take them from me.

LUDWIG: (
looking
at
the
others
) Has to be a private word guys.

NESTOR: Well if that doesn’t beat all. Privacy he says as he makes a public spectacle of himself. Well never mind, Charles knows when he’s been insulted. Let’s go gentlemen.

(
They
don’t
move
but
instead
draw
closer
that
they
may
hear
better.
Finally
Clarissa
and
Ludwig
move
away.
)

CLARISSA: What is it? I was just getting rolling.

LUDWIG: I feel I was maybe slightly less than straight with you but in my defense… um… I wasn’t honest before.

CLARISSA: That’s some defense.

LUDWIG: When I said you should be the one to go and painted a rosy picture of what you could expect, when I did that I was lying.

CLARISSA: I see. Paint me a more accurate picture then.

LUDWIG: It’s not good. The picture’s not altogether clear but through the snow and other interference what I see is problematic.

CLARISSA: You say what
you
see but wasn’t Nestor with you? Did he not see the same as you?

LUDWIG: How sure can we ever be of what another has seen or experienced but I believe he saw the same.

CLARISSA: I see.

LUDWIG: I’m sorry. It’s with a heavy heart that I…

CLARISSA: Stop! I want for motivation, not apologies.

LUDWIG: But you’re right to lack motivation, you shouldn’t go.

CLARISSA: Not my motivation, Ludwig, yours.

LUDWIG: Oh. Just… the thought of being alone… eternally… not joining with the opposable sex… Nestor made some good points…

CLARISSA: Ah.

LUDWIG:  . . . about the advisability of romantic love and such.

CLARISSA: Say no more, preferably ever.

On subsequent thought tell me, what
is
unrequited love like? I’ve never experienced it, at least not from the end you’re in. Oh and sorry I couldn’t requite.

LUDWIG: No you don’t understand.

CLARISSA: I just admitted as much. I simply can’t conceive of demonstrating love towards someone to no effect. Although I must say that your demonstrations lacked the appropriate vigor, not that any amount of vigor could have overcome the nullity that is my inclinations towards you. Silly boy…

LUDWIG: That’s just it.

CLARISSA:  . . . all you needed was a one word explanation: jealousy. I can scarcely think of a more valid human emotion.

LUDWIG: Jealous yes but not the way you think. Not jealous of you but of him.

CLARISSA: Precisely.

LUDWIG: Wait how does that work? Who are you jealous
of
when you wish…

CLARISSA: Listen I’d love to stay here and work this out with you Mr. Full-of-Surprises but time matters here and I have to get going. Yes, I’m still going. As for your conscience you can let it rest in peace as it’s nothing you said impels me. The next person to embark on a successful manipulation of me will be on a maiden voyage.

LUDWIG: You knew? Then why…

(
Clarissa
leaves
abruptly
towards
the
exit
and
after
a
moment
Ludwig
follows
urgently.
There
they
find
Charles
in
the
process
of
hobbling
out.
)

ADAM: Clarissa quick!

NESTOR: He insisted, insistently.

CLARISSA: What’s this now?

CHARLES: I’m going. I need to be the one who goes and there’s no time for debate.

CLARISSA: There’s always time to listen to reason right Charles?

CHARLES: You want reason? I have all the reason I need. The reason I’m going is that, unlike you all, I do not have the luxury of time to wait and see how it all works out in the end. My end nears and I need to work against it.

CLARISSA: Just listen Charles because we have strong reason to believe that what you’ll find out there will not be great.

CHARLES: So who do you say should go?