Pet Peeve (30 page)

“Then I should move her again. Perhaps we can ascertain how long reorientation takes.” He dashed off.

“Roland is more useful than I expected,” Goody said.

“He is a barbarian of many qualities. It's amazing what a difference a program makes.”

“And a rod,” the parody said, chortling evilly.

Com Pewter had set up the program. Pewter had a lot of quirky information.

They proceeded along the path. Soon Roland came back, carrying Gwenny. He set her down before them.

“She's gone,” Gwenny said. “Roland explained about the motion. But I'm nervous that she will find me again. I don't like her notions.”

“I don't like anyone else's notions in you,” Goody said.

“Thank you.” She kissed him. “I must move.”

“And they call birds flighty,” the parody said.

Roland picked her up and ran back the way they had come. “Should we follow?” Hannah asked.

“No. We don't want to be predictable. Let's continue forward, hoping to find some better solution. Roland will surely catch up to us in due course.”

“Good thinking.” They moved on.

Something came bounding toward them, flipping over in air and turning handsprings. It paused before them. It was a man in athletic clothing. “Hello. I am Jim Nastic. I am very acrobatic.” He bounded on.

“I don't want to be unduly critical,” Hannah said. “But it seems to me that we're not making much progress on either placing the bird or saving Gwenny from the evil sorceress. I think we need another approach.”

“I agree! But with Gwenny in danger, I can't think straight.”

She nodded. “You have a good mind when you focus it. What about this: we settle down for a while, let Morgan catch up to Gwenny, and persuade her that she doesn't want Gwenny's body. Maybe she'll go away, as she did with me.”

“I can't think well enough right now to know whether that's a good idea.”

“Maybe I can handle it, while you observe and consider. If I can't make her go away, maybe you can.”

Goody shrugged. “I hope you can do it, because I have no confidence that I can.”

She picked him up and kissed him. “You do have ability. You just need that confidence. I'll take it from here, for a while. Meanwhile you try thinking outside the box. You're good at that.”

“Thank you,” Goody said faintly.

They passed another man. “Hello,” Hannah said. “We are looking for a home for this disreputable bird.”

“Watch your tongue, minx!”

The man shook his head. “I'm no good with birds. My talent is making sleeping dogs tell the truth.”

“Isn't that somewhat pointless?”

“It's better than letting them lie.” He walked on.

“I think I walked into that one,” Hannah said.

“I would have done the same.”

They came to a woman sitting beside the path. “Hello,” Hannah said. “Are you interested in adopting a fowl-mouthed bird?”

“I'm not sure,” the woman said. “Hello. I'm Lenora. My talent is making people feel guilty. I'm not sure it works on birds.”

“Nothing works on me, you dowdy chippy.”

“I see what you mean,” Lenora said.

But it was working on Goody. He felt guilty for even asking.

“I apologize for bothering you,” Hannah said. “I shouldn't have.”

“No, that's my talent. You had every right to ask. But you'll feel guilty as long as you're near me.”

Hannah glanced at Goody. “Do you think the Sorceress would be affected?”

“But Gwenny would be affected too, and she couldn't stay near Lenora all the time.”

“True.” Hannah faced the woman. “Thank you for your time. We'll be moving on now.”

“Of course,” the woman said sadly. Goody felt so guilty about leaving her.

The robot zoomed toward them, carrying Gwenny. Hannah flagged him down. “Pause a while,” she said. “We have something to try.”

“That's a relief,” Gwenny said. She looked somewhat windblown. “Do you have a solution?”

“Maybe. I want to talk to the Sorceress, while Goody observes and ponders some better way. If I can't do it, maybe he can.”

Gwenny went to him and kissed him. “I have confidence in you. But I don't want to kiss you when Morgan is with me. She would make it seem dirty or calculated.”

“It is calculated, gamine,” the parody said.

“Yes, but it doesn't seem so,” Gwenny said with much of a weak smile.

“When the Sorceress comes,” Hannah said, “put up some token resistance, but then let her have her way. Save your strength for when you really need to stop her.”

“I'll try,” Gwenny said. “But the way she instills urges—I hate it, but I do start to want it.”

“If my idea doesn't work, Roland can carry you away again. This is just an exploration. With luck it will work.”

They were walking slowly. They came to an intersection of paths. Nearby was a store in the shape of a giant chain link. Another link was connected to it, and another; there were several of them. “A chain store!” Gwenny said, thrilled. “Let's buy a chain.”

They went to the nearest store and bought a chain, using little copper disks that Gwenny had. It seemed that such things were used in stores. The chain was more like a delicate bracelet that she wore with pride.

“Civilized girls like baubles,” Hannah murmured.

So it seemed.

They returned to the path and sat on a green bench. Just when Goody started wondering how long it would take for the Sorceress to show up, she did.

“So you thought you could avoid me,” she said. “That was a foolish ploy, running around like that. I'll always catch you; I just need to get another fix on your location.”

“We need to talk,” Hannah said.

“Forget it, barbarian beast. You passed up your chance. This is a prettier body, and it should be really fun educating this polite goblin male before I drive him crazy.” She advanced on Goody.

“No!” Gwenny cried. For two and a half moments she resisted, but then the desire of the Sorceress prevailed.

“Let's discover what you are capable of, little man.”

“You forget I am here,” Hannah said.

“I am not interested in you or your robot. I want to put this goblin through his paces.” She focused on Goody as if about to slice meat. “Of course after I wear you out, I will repair to Goblin Mountain and start in on the horny males there. Some may even like SM.”

“SM?” Goody asked, transfixed by her gaze, which was so unlike Gwenny's despite emanating from the same face.

“Torture, guts, brutality, hurting, bondage—” the parody said.

“Sado-masochism,” Hannah said grimly as Goody recoiled in horror. “Not for you, Goody.”

“Oh, you never can tell,” Morgan said. “A little priming can evoke wonders.” She took hold of Goody and kissed him, her tongue prying between his lips as her hands stroked his buttocks in the manner Metria's illicit touches did. The weird thing was that he found himself responding to it despite his aversion, and he knew she knew it. Gwenny was a pleasant amateur in this respect; Morgan was a thorough professional.

Still, he made a show of resistance. “You'll never get me into that.”

“You forget my talent, innocent goblin. It is to turn things on.”

“I don't understand.”

“Such as desire. Like this.”

Suddenly Goody was burning with desire for her. He tried to draw her close, but now she fended him off with momentarily stiff arms. “Only when I choose,” she murmured. “You must suffer some pangs first.”

“You don't want that body,” Hannah said.

“This is news to me. It is healthy, pretty, and reasonably young.” Now the questing hands expertly groped his front. Goody was eager to take it further, but she was cruelly teasing, not indulging.

“It is lame,” Hannah said.

Morgan paused. “How so?”

“It can't run or dance or even walk too long.”

The sorceress went still against Goody as she turned her attention inward. “Oh, bleep!” she swore. “It's true. This body is defective.”

“So you might as well let it go,” Hannah said victoriously.

Morgan let Goody go and stood back to orient on Hannah. “You think you've won, you primitive peon. Now learn reality. I don't need this body to live in. I need it to punish the goblin who balked me. First I will seduce him, making it clear it is not his paramour he is with, making him ashamed. I will tempt him into acts he finds appalling but can't resist. Then I will make him watch as I do it with other goblins, in increasingly degraded manner. Then I will instill in this innocent doxy the desire for self-mutilation in his presence. And finally suicide, delicately done. She will bleed to death while he watches. After that I will make a spancel of him. Then will my vengeance be complete. Then I will seek a permanent host, younger, prettier, fully human. Perhaps one of those nubile twin princesses. Much can be done with raw material like that.”

“No!” Gwenny cried.

“Yes,” Morgan said. “You feel the temptation already, don't you dear? There is a certain painful joy in cutting oneself and seeing the blood flow. You will come to crave it. You will come to delight in tormenting your lover, whoever he may be at the moment. You will thank me for bringing you this experience.”

“This is barbaric,” Hannah said.

“Thank you, aboriginal amah. From you that is a considerable compliment.”

“Take her away,” Hannah said to Roland.

The robot moved so swiftly he was almost invisible. He swept up Gwenny and bore her away.

“I'm sorry,” Hannah said. “I thought she wouldn't want an imperfect body. How wrong I was.”

“You couldn't know,” Goody said, fighting past his horror. The urgent desire was slowly fading in the absence of its object. “This is much worse than I thought. The worst of it is that I know she's not bluffing; she made me start to want her even though she's not in my head.”

“She knows how to play with bodies,” Hannah agreed. “And how to torture them too, I'm sure. Now I remember something I heard once and didn't believe. Something called a spancel.”

“She said that word. What does it mean?”

“You don't want to know. Trust me.”

“We've got to save her!”

Hannah shook her head. “I wish I knew how.”

“It'll be fun watching her mess up those other goblins.”

For a moment blind fury governed. Goody grabbed for the parody, but it leaped into the air and hovered just out of reach.

Then a bulb flashed brightly over his head.

“You got a notion!” Hannah said.

“Yes, I think so. Bring her back.”

“But the Sorceress will find her quickly if she returns here.”

“This time I'll talk to Morgan.”

She gazed at him. “I hope your idea works.”

“So do I,” Goody said with feeling.

They walked along the path. Roland ran back, carrying Gwenny. Hannah flagged him down again.

“But this is not far enough removed,” he said. “The Sorceress will soon return.”

“Yes. We have another ploy.”

He set Gwenny down. She ran to Goody and hugged him. “If she starts that again, kill me,” she said.

“I couldn't—”

“Then you do it,” Gwenny told Hannah. “I mean it.”

“I know you do. But Goody has a way to get rid of her.” Hannah was trying to look sincere, but it was plain she lacked certainty.

“Oh, please have that way!” Gwenny said.

“Lotsa luck, sultry sweetheart.”

Then Gwenny's expression changed. “Are you surrendering? It won't save you, runt.”

“You need a proper audience, Morgan le Fay,” Goody said. “Someone who truly appreciates your endeavors from the outset. Someone who will bruit them widely about.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Not necessarily. Some things are best accomplished privately. Some things are their own best reward.”

“Parody, it is time for your regular home,” Goody said. “Join Gwenny, and stay with her while the Sorceress uses her body. After she dies, we'll find another person for you.”

The peeve hesitated. “What's in it for me?”

“I suspect that Morgan le Fay has just about the highest AQ in Xanth. She absolutely hates to be balked, and she loves tormenting others, as we recently heard. Wherever she is, there is bound to be annoyance, rage, and grief. You will be in your element. Stick closely to her, but be alert, for her malice toward you will be great. Her anger will soon explode, laying waste to all around her. All you have to do is provoke it. It can be your finest effort.”

The bird hopped across to Gwenny's shoulder.

“A stupid little chick?” the Sorceress asked, searching for the catch.

“I don't think you have had much experience with the peeve, Morgan,” Goody continued. “So I will clarify. I have given you the bird. The parody talks often, almost always to insult those within range of its voice. It is highly observant, and its insults are precisely targeted. In fact it infuriates those who don't understand that it is not the person talking. It will delight every goblin you come in contact with, boasting of your nature and proclivities. In fact it will egg on those male goblins you seduce. And it will advertise what you are doing to all who will listen—and everyone should be fascinated by your exploits. You will be very well known, very quickly.”

Morgan frowned. “That won't do. I require a certain privacy, at least initially.”

“Ha ha ha,” the peeve laughed sneeringly.

She grabbed for it, but it flew up out of reach, only to land on her other shoulder. “Get off me, you pest!” But the bird would not leave.

A centaur came along the path. “Hi there, horserear!” Gwenny's voice called.

He paused. “I beg your pardon.”

“You don't have it, manure-for-brains.”

Goody and the others remained silent.

“I am Telliam Will,” the centaur said somewhat stiffly. “So called because I had the misfortune to eat reverse wood when young, and now always miss my target. But I don't think this calls for gratuitous insults.”

Morgan stood there with her mouth open, stricken by helpless outrage. She hadn't yet discovered how to warn others about the parody.

“Hello, Telliam,” Goody said. “I had a similar experience when young, and now am a polite goblin male.”

The centaur smiled. “You understand!”

“Oh, yes. As for the gobliness—she is suffering an evil possession. She may be trying to taunt folk into killing her.”