Pewter Angels (41 page)

S
pring arrived in Ottawa
early that year. By mid-April, all the snow was gone and the fury of the spring runoff was done. By the third week of May, green grass had replaced the brown leftovers from the fall, slowly replenishing the landscape.

The gardeners, laid off last fall, returned to the Sarsky estate, planning the flower-beds to be planted, clearing out all the dead leaves and trimming the hedges.

On his way to work that morning, Ted felt the need to say goodbye to his daughter. He hadn’t seen her for days. He rapped lightly on her door, but there was no answer. When he opened it, the room was dark, a sharp contrast to the morning sun pouring into his and Edith’s bedroom. Ted felt an overwhelming urge to let the sun into Jenny’s room, too. His little girl had always loved nature and the sun. Her bright smile had often reminded him of a ray of sunshine. Come to think of it, when was the last time he’d seen Jenny smile? Without thought or permission, he went over to the window, pushed aside the curtains and raised the blinds.

Jenny stirred in her bed and opened one eye. “Oh, it’s you. Please close the blinds. I’m so tired …”

“Good morning, Jenny, it’s a beautiful morning.” As Ted peered out the window, he added, “Look. The gardeners are starting to put the flowers in. Come on, Jenny. Get up and enjoy the day. I know how much you love being outside.”

“Please go, Dad. I’d like to sleep some more.” Jenny turned abruptly onto her side and tossed the blankets over her head.

“See you tonight, dear,” he said softly as he walked out of the room.

At breakfast, Ted and Edith discussed their daughter’s condition once again. Edith had finally accepted the fact that Jenny might have been telling the truth about being raped and was going to make an appointment with another psychiatrist who specialized in those sorts of cases.

“Well, I’ll leave it for another week,” Edith said, “then perhaps see if the psychiatrist would come to the house.

“That might be a good idea,” said Ted, kissing his wife on the cheek.

Later that morning
Jenny got up to go to the bathroom. When she returned to her room, she stood in front of her window. After a few minutes she sat down on the built-in bench seat of the dormer and looked out over the bare garden. She opened the window and a soft, warm, spring breeze wafted in along with the sounds of nature. The sights and sounds soothed her, and for the rest of the day Jenny sat transfixed at the window, gazing at the beauty she had somehow forgotten existed.

Jenny watched the landscapers work and the unfolding transformation of the grounds. It reminded her of Henry. How he loved to restore things and make them look more beautiful. How excited and motivated he’d been to transform Mr. Engelmann’s store and his business. Jenny just loved that about him. Watching the gardeners’ efficient work result in emerging beauty, Jenny could understand what motivated Henry. She found his desire to make the world a better place uplifting.

For the next two days, Jenny sat by the window. For the first time in a very long time, she lost herself in moments of nature. Her past dissolved and her future faded into the morning sun. She lived only in the present, the here and now of life. It was then that she reconnected with her true self.

At once she felt the joy and peace that had always been within her. She realized she had covered her happiness with layer upon layer of heartache and only she held the key to her wellbeing. Quietly she thanked her guardian angel for this knowledge.

Accompanying this quiescence, a thought emerged that gave Jenny further comfort. She was certain there was a reason, a purpose for her having given birth to Camilla. Her protector had spared her from the memory of a rape but had not spared her the pregnancy itself. Why? It may have been an answer to the prayers of Camilla’s adoptive parents, but Jenny sensed there was some special design yet to unfold.

The thought sustained her and added to her present peace as well as hope for the future. It allowed clarity to enter her mind. If she persisted in drowning in despair, she would be lost forever in depression over the past and the bleakness of the future, and would likely only attract more of the same. She must carry the memory of her child and Henry forward as cherished possessions that made her free and strong. They were expressions of love in her life. The memories would always be a part of her life, and she was richer for them.

The following morning when Ted opened her bedroom door to say goodbye to his daughter, she wasn’t there. Her bed was made, the blinds drawn and the window open. A gentle breeze freshened the room. At the window, he held the fluttering curtains still. Unbidden tears welled up in Ted’s eyes. There, with the other gardeners, was Jenny, kneeling down, planting marigolds and petunias. Jenny, like the flowers, exuded the beauty and joy intended from the beginning of all time.

Jenny never did make it
back to school in the late spring. She continued to grow and heal at home, spending most of her days outside, either working in the garden or reading in the gazebo. She loved being surrounded by flowers and the fragrance they gave off. Seeing life and growth around her helped her move past the difficult areas of her life. She began to accept Camilla’s adoption. Her daughter would be loved. Jenny knew she was too young to properly care and provide for her, and her daughter would know a mother and father, would be secure in a home filled with much love.

Rather than dwell on regret, Jenny focused on the joy she had given Camilla’s adoptive parents. With each positive thought, Jenny released her pain and encompassed more good energy. She still missed Henry terribly—yet there, too, she thought it better to have known such a love than not at all. She had been blessed by a relationship she would treasure all her life. Although the possibility of Henry returning in her future looked bleak, there was still a glimmer of hope in the deep recesses of her heart. Perhaps some day their guardian angels would bring them back together.

And perhaps, someday, she would meet her Camilla.

It was this kind of trust in herself and in life that helped Jenny recover. Spending so much time surrounded by nature’s example had renewed Jenny’s faith in the healing power of time and the natural unfolding of life. She knew when the sun went down, it would come up again in the morning. Fall would follow summer, spring would return after winter. And when a seed was planted in mother earth, a new flower, full of beauty and glory, would be born. Nature supplied the assurance and security Jenny needed. It was not so fickle and heartless as relationships could be.

Perhaps more than anything else on the estate, the wild flower patch renewed Jenny’s spirit. Her father had asked the head gardener to prepare a garden patch for her. She had no idea what flowers were in the mix the gardener had given her to sow, but she loved the excitement, anticipation and unpredictability of what would flower so freely. No matter what flower appeared, it complimented the garden. Every day, the garden patch grew more lovely.

It was only natural that Jenny should find her greatest healing there. She could easily reconnect with her inner spirit, for it, too, was wild and needed freedom. She could easily recapture her spontaneity, gaiety and inner beauty. But perhaps more than anything, the wild flower garden helped Jenny connect with Camilla. Each flower reminded Jenny of her little baby. In the same way the earth gave life to a seed, she had given life to a little girl who would blossom. She could visualize Camilla growing, unfolding and budding into a wildflower, the most beautifully free of them all.

I
t’s amazing how an entire movie
can be made about a guy just looking out of his rear apartment window at the neighbourhood.”

“Yeah, and it sure was suspenseful. Alfred Hitchcock movies are usually pretty good, Gary.”

“I wasn’t sure if a murder had happened or not. It looked like Jimmy Stewart was just trying to pass the time by letting his imagination run wild while his broken leg mended.”

“I had my eye more on Grace Kelly; she sure is something else. I could watch her all day long. Jenny and I saw her and Bing Crosby in High Society last summer. I even bought the 45 of the song she and Bing sang: “True Love.” I hum it all the time.”

“That’s because you can’t sing, Hank.”

The two boys chuckled as they walked home down 11th Avenue. It reminded Henry of his walk home with Jenny almost a year ago. Gary must have read his thoughts.

“Jenny sure looks a lot like Grace Kelly, come to think of it. They both have blond hair, are fair-skinned, and kinda have a classy look about them. How is she doing, anyway?”

“Well, you remember shortly before you left for Notre Dame, Jenny and her parents moved to Ottawa.”

“Yeah I remember, you were pretty shook up about that.”

“I hated to see her go. I was going to tell you what happened in the letters I sent you, but I didn’t want to concern you with it.”

“So what did happen, Hank?”

“After she left I wrote a ton of letters and waited for her to write me with her address, but to this day I’ve never gotten a single letter from her.”

“You’re kidding. That doesn’t seem like Jenny. Not one letter?”

“No, not one. And we promised to write to each other … I think it was her parents who stopped her from writing. I know Jenny’s mom was concerned about how close Jenny and I got last summer.”

“That’s too bad, Hank. She was really a nice girl and I know you liked her a lot.”

“Maybe sometime down the road I’ll see her again. I sure hope so, anyway. I still think about her a lot.”

At Winnipeg Street the boys turned and headed to Victoria Avenue. Henry got goose-bumps as they passed Eddy Zeigler’s place. Henry was tempted to tell Gary what Eddy and his friends had done to him and Jenny, but decided not to. Eddy was becoming his friend and he wanted to forgive and forget. Instead, Henry followed up on what they had been talking about earlier.

“And how about you, Gary, are you looking forward to going back to Notre Dame? Any girl you’re interested in there yet?”

“Actually, I am, Hank.” Gary said, taking one question at a time. “There’s something special about Notre Dame. It’s strict, that’s for sure, and yet there’s a strong spiritual aspect and feeling of belonging that I like. My dad calls it camaraderie, a sort of friendship with people you spend a lot of time with. And I did meet a girl there at the first dance last fall. Her name is Jane. But they’re pretty strict; Father Murray doesn’t allow much dating and curfews have to be followed or else.”

“Well, I’m sure gonna miss you. It was great having you back this summer and working at the store.”

“I can’t believe how busy the store has become, Hank, and how much it’s improved. It all looks so nice and everything is always so well stocked … it was pretty rundown before. Someone must have helped Mr. Engelmann fix everything up.”

Not wanting to brag, Henry hadn’t written Gary everything that he’d help the Engelmanns accomplish, but in the next breath, Gary came to the conclusion on his own.

“You probably helped him a lot, Henry. I see how you always get right to it and stock the shelves. And I see how much Mr. Engelmann likes you.”

“We
have
become pretty good friends. He sure is wise, Gary.” “And so is Mrs. Engelmann. She talks to so many ladies. She seems like such a holy person, so peaceful.”

“Yeah, she’s something else, almost like some kind of a psychologist or something. She always heads to the back storage room when some woman wants to confide in her; it’s used more than the front when she’s around. I’m glad she’s getting better, I sure like it when she’s in the store.” And turning to Gary, Henry continued, “I saw her give you a hug at closing time today. I think she really likes you, Gary.”

“Well, I shared something with her that I never told anyone else and she was real happy about it. So was I.” He glanced at Henry, then seemed to think his friend would understand. “It made her cry and I was so relieved to speak to someone, I got a bit teary myself.”

Henry didn’t want to pry, yet he was sure curious now. He really admired Gary’s honesty and liked that about their friendship; they could tell each other stuff without worrying about being teased or ridiculed. Henry remained silent, hoping Gary would share what had happened. A moment later, he did.

“What I told her Hank, was that I feel called to the priesthood.”

Henry wasn’t sure he’d heard Gary right. “What did you say?”

“Yeah, I know it’s hard to believe—Gary Franklin wants to become a priest.” Gary sort of chuckled.

Henry stopped and turned to his friend. “Geez, Gary, that’s really something. How do you know?”

“Well, since attending Notre Dame and going to mass every morning, I … I just feel something that’s hard to explain. And when I go into the chapel in the evening when no one’s around, it’s so peaceful and I seem to be drawn to Him.”

Henry looked at his buddy with a kind of awed astonishment. Never would he have expected to hear someone his age say something like that. “Geez, Gary, that’s … that’s wonderful.”

“I haven’t even told my parents yet. I don’t know how my dad will take it. I know he wants me to join the army and work my way up the ranks but I don’t really care about that. I just want to be of some service to others … like Mrs. Engelmann! That’s why I think she gave me a hug, I told her I want to do what she does, and help people.”

“Geez, Gary, and I want to be like Mr. Engelmann. He’s been such a big part of my life this past year and I love talking to him.”

The two boys just gazed at one another. Who’d have thought that a part-time job would have had such influence on both of them?

“So, would you still go to military college like you planned?”

“I think so,” Gary answered. “I want to check into being a chaplain or something like that. Maybe the two can work together somehow. Father Murray says that God has a plan for each of us and that we should pray and ask Him what His plan for us is. I’m sure by the time I finish Grade 12, I’ll know for sure what I should do.”

Henry was still sort of shocked to be having this kind of a conversation with even as good a friend as Gary. And what about Gary’s girlfriend? He knew how much he had wanted to marry Jenny. “So if priests don’t marry, where would that leave the girl you mentioned. Jane, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, she’s really great, Hank, and I like her a lot—but that’s the thing, our friendship is based on what we have in common. We both want to devote our lives to Jesus. You see, she wants to be a nun and enter a convent after Grade 12. Actually,” he glanced at Henry, “we spend a lot of time praying together.”

It was almost too much for Henry. He couldn’t believe his friend that he had known since Grade 2 was talking like this.

“I don’t know what to say Gary, it’s all so incredible.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty excited about it all. I told my sister about it already and plan to talk to Mom and Dad in the next day or so.”

When they came to the corner of Broder and Victoria Avenue they stopped and looked at Engelmann’s Grocery.

“It’s quite the store, isn’t it?” Henry said. “If people only knew what goes on in there beside selling groceries.”

“I think people know, Hank, the neighbourhood is pretty devoted to the Engelmanns and appreciates the way they serve the people here. Sometimes I feel it’s like a church.”

“You’re right, Gary! I never thought of it like that. I’ve learned so much from them, especially Mr. Engelmann. I just have two more days, tomorrow and Saturday and then I’m back at school Monday. I hate to see the summer come to an end.”

The boys turned and headed down Broder Street to their homes, trailing a hint of sadness. They probably wouldn’t see each other until Christmas holidays.

“I hope you’ll still write. I’ve always considered you my best friend and I’m sure going to miss you.”

Gary started to extend his hand but instead stepped forward and the two boys gave each other a hug.

“You’re my best friend too, Hank, and you always will be. And now that I know how much you miss Jenny, I’m going to start praying for you and her.”

“Thanks, Gary, that’s really nice of you.” And then Henry said something he never thought he would say to anyone. “I’ll pray for you too, Gary, that things work out between you and your dad and what you want to do. It’s something real special.”

There was a soft sheen in both their eyes as they each raised a hand and slapped them together in midair.

“See ya, buddy.”

“Yeah, see ya, Hank.”

When Henry turned into his yard
, he was surprised to see his dad sitting on the steps. His dad had changed a lot since coming home. He seemed to be trying to pay more attention to Mom and him. But it seemed to Henry that his dad was still hurting inside from it all.

“Hi, son. How was the movie?”

“It was real good, Dad.” Henry sat next to his father. “You and Mom should see it. It’s actually quite a thriller. It all takes place in a neighbourhood with a guy looking out his window into the backyard, taking in how everyone lives their lives.”

“I saw it advertised in the paper, Rear Window. Hitchcock, right?”

“Yeah. This is the second time I’ve seen it. I get more out of it each time. It’s supposed to be one of his best.”

“Perhaps Mom and I will take it in. So, how’s Gary doing?”

“Fine. He’s heading back to Wilcox on Sunday. I’m going to miss him. It was sure good to have someone to chum around with after work this summer.”

“You two have been close pals for a long time.”

Henry nodded. “He told me something tonight that really surprised me. I’m still trying to let it sink in. He said he wants to become a priest.”

Bill didn’t answer for a moment. “That’s quite a commitment for someone his age.” And, after a long pause, “That’s real good. Gary’s a fine young man. Mom and I have always been glad that he is your friend.”

“Yeah, I have always considered him my best friend. I hope we stay in touch.”

“You will if you work on it, Henry.”

“Is Mom still up?”

“No, she went to bed about a half-hour ago and I guess I better head off, too.”

“Thanks for staying with me awhile, Dad.”

Bill got up and patted Henry on the shoulder. “’Night son.”

“See ya in the morning, Dad.

It was good to sit with his dad and talk a bit. Henry wished he had more to say to keep the conversation going. He wanted to get to know his dad better.

Henry looked over at Jenny’s old house. A dim light was coming through the closed drapes. If only Jenny was still living there.
Man, this summer sure wasn’t anything like last year.
It was good sitting out back with Mr. Engelmann at the store, but it just wasn’t the same without seeing Jenny every day.

What a summer that had been!

Loneliness washed over Henry as he gazed into the darkness. Only a sliver of a moon adorned the sky. Henry looked to see if the star of the east was out, but with so many stars ablaze in the heavens he could no longer tell which one it was. He longed for Jenny and wondered what had happened to her. He was glad school was starting again; it would keep his mind preoccupied on other things. It was at times like this he thought his heart would break. A tear fell on his hand as he got up. He wiped both eyes at the same time with his fingers. “Yeah,” he murmured, trying to shake off thoughts about Jenny, “It’ll be good to get back at it. And basketball season will soon be here. I think we can win the provincials this year for sure.”

Henry turned and gazed towards Gary’s place, still trying to take it all in. It was amazing how easily Gary talked about his vocation and how he’d been influenced by Mrs. Engelmann and the college he was going to. People could affect each other so greatly. For the first time he felt an inkling of the tremendous influence one can have on another, often without even knowing it. Henry thought about what Mr. Engelmann had said to him that day they had talked about sex and marriage, out back of the store: “
Henry, this world so desperately needs people who have thought things through and don’t go through life like a leaf tossed by the wind. We need, more than ever, strong people whom others will want to emulate because of the wholesome way they live.
”

Mr. Engelmann led by example. He walked the talk and Henry was definitely influenced by him. And as he thought about it, he realized Gary had really influenced him tonight as well—how boldly he had talked about God and what he wanted to do with his life. If Gary had said he wanted to be an electrician or teacher or any other professional that would have seemed normal. But to talk about serving Jesus and working for God was something that people shied away from talking about.