Phantom Scars (20 page)

Chapter 40 – Getting Creamed

My Emma was not as timid as I thought she would be. Turned out her plan for revenge on Clayton involved copious amounts of porn. She herself didn't want to buy it or see it, but she sent me to get it. I was given orders to buy the scariest porn possible, preferably including some gay porn, since he had such a strong aversion to it. I was also to buy blowup dolls. I wasn't sure what she had planned, but I was to get a guy and a girl one, along with something she said was a dick pump. I think I’d seen an ad for one of those online, but I honestly didn't stop to look.

We only had one dirty store in our area, so I took my lunch break and made sure no one saw me go in. I was borrowing my momma's car, and the last thing I needed for her to find out was that someone had seen her car parked at this store.

I walked in quickly, looking at the floor in embarrassment, and a man all dressed in pink leather came up and tapped me on the shoulder. He smiled at me and reached out his hand to shake. "Hi, honey, I'm Tyler, and you look like this is your first time in my store," he said, pointing to his name tag.

"Uh, yeah, okay," I said shaking his hand. To my surprise, he tucked my hand into the crook of his elbow.

"So, sweetie, what are you looking for today? Something for your boyfriend?" he asked, as if he was fishing for information on me.

"Um, actually, my wife and I are going to play a trick on my brother. I kind of need some scary porn. The stuff that’d make my momma's eyes fall out, when she finds it in his room and on his coffee table. My wife also asked for boy and girl blowup dolls. Do they even make boy ones?" I asked curiously and looked at Tyler.

That was a mistake. That boy lit up, smiling widely and looking at me adoringly. "Oh, why yes, we do. Why don't we get you a shopping cart, so you can get this stuff for your brother?" he said with a wink.

Oh, this couldn't be good.

Tyler took me to the aisle with the blowup dolls, and he actually pouted, when I picked out two blondes. He was dark-skinned and dark-haired. I was trying to get the point across that he really wasn't my type, at all!

I asked him about the dick pumps, not sure what the heck they were, and he giggled like a schoolgirl and skipped to the next aisle. He brought back four boxes. Sadly, I didn't really want to leave the blowup doll aisle, as it seemed the safest in the whole store. I picked out the cheapest, even though Tyler insisted that one wasn't as good in quality as the Blow PRO. No one was going to be using it, and this prank was getting expensive.

I finally asked him if he would mind scoping out the porn aisle for me, and I asked him pick out six magazines with a good mixture of everything. He patted my butt and winked at me. "You got it, baby. I'll meet you at the register."

He came bouncing back to the register and quickly checked me out. I asked for paper bags, as they were not see-through. Heaven forbid anyone should see me carrying this stuff.

"I'm going to put my business card in here with my private phone number on it, just in case you need any help figuring out how to use this stuff, alright, honey?" Tyler said in a scary sweet voice.

I just nodded. "Thanks."

I wasn't a homophobe, but I just didn't swing that way. I hoped he didn't get his feelings hurt when I didn't call. I only bought two bags full of stuff, so I could easily take it all to Clayton's in one sneaky trip.

When I got back to the restaurant, Emma was talking with Jen and Clayton about having a family dinner. Apparently, Clayton had a larger kitchen and dining area than us, and it was close to the restaurant, so we could easily bring a few things from here for dinner. Clayton didn't want to, but Jen pushed him into it. Emma invited Dr. Greyson as well, since he was my momma's boyfriend. I couldn't even think that without sneering!

The girls went on making plans for the meal this Wednesday. Fridays were always busy at the restaurant, requiring all hands on deck, so we chose Wednesday as our family night.

It was Wednesday afternoon, when Emma promised Clayton she would go clean his apartment. I had sworn up and down that she worked fast and was wonderful, and he would most likely be able to find things he had forgotten he had by the time she was done with the place. He thought that was a great idea, and so I took Emma and the two brown paper bags to Clayton's place.

Emma, as always, worked fast and efficiently. She had the place sparkling in no time. As she was cleaning, I got to work blowing up the dolls. I was kind of bummed and confused; the dick pump didn't blow, but actually sucked, so it was no help at all with the dang dolls. I was curious as to why my wife brought a chef's hat and apron, as well as a waitress outfit from the restaurant.

"I'm so glad you got two blondes, so they look like Eli and Jennifer," she said as she dressed them.

"What? That's just so wrong on so many levels," I complained, but laughed at the same time. I mixed a couple of the porn magazines in with his regular car magazines on the coffee table, and then crammed both the blowup dolls in the coat closet. It was chilly, so someone would likely have a coat on that needed hanging, which would cause the dolls to pop out, when they opened the door to hang them up.

I then took the last porn magazines, saving two of the gay ones for his bedroom, and putting the “group” magazine on the towel rack by the toilet. If anyone used the bathroom, they would not miss it. This evening should prove to be very enlightening for my momma.

That evening, just before we all were going to head over, there was a knock on the employee door of the restaurant. I opened it with Clayton behind me, blocking the view of the kitchen. We didn't know who it was, but they weren't getting in to our women.

I was stunned, when I saw it was Agent Green. "Hey, Mr. Clemens, I came by to see if I could visit with you about a few things."

"Devin, Clayton, who is it?" my momma asked.

"It's Agent Green, Momma," I answered.

"Well, for heaven's sake, don't just stand there, let the man in," my momma said pulling Clayton and me out of the way. "I'm sorry. My sons were raised to be more hospitable," she glared at us. That was just one more reason to make me not like Agent Green.

I missed what he said about why he was here, but my momma was quickly inviting him to join us all for dinner.

She called for us all to come and carry things down the walk to Clayton's place. It wasn't far, but it wasn't close, either. We all had our hands full, even Agent Green, as we made our way down the boardwalk. My momma believed in feeding people until they were full and then sending some home with them to be sure they didn't get hungry anytime soon. Yes, she definitely was in the right business.

Jen was already there setting the table, and Emma went to help her. Agent Green, or Tyson as we were told to call him, along with Clayton, my momma and I, all sat down in the living room.

"We'll talk after dinner. We don't want to stress and lose our appetites beforehand, now do we? So, why don't you just sit back and relax a little," my momma smiled.

Emma had just walked in with drinks, passing them all out to everyone. I was so proud that she didn't shake as she served Tyson. That was just amazing progress for her. I asked him about the nice car he had pulled up in, starting a conversation about looking to buy a car eventually. Clayton suggested I check out the ratings in his latest car magazine, which just happened to be the top magazine in the stack on his coffee table. Hook, line and sinker!

"Momma, can you pass me that car magazine on the table there," I asked innocently, while Emma was still in the room. Of course, just under that car magazine was a very graphic porn magazine with an even more graphic cover. Once my momma lifted the car magazine up, her eyes went wide, and then she turned to Clayton, rolling it up in her hand and started beating him with it.

"What…Ma! What the heck?" he shouted.

Momma's scolding was interrupted by the door. Warren was a little late, but happy to arrive. I grimaced as I opened the door, but I smiled when he asked if there was somewhere he could hang his coat. I smirked, as I pointed him to the coat closet.

Clayton was in the middle of swearing to momma the porn magazine wasn't his, and she should know that he wasn't into that stuff, when the blowup dolls popped out of the closet. I laughed as they both fell down, but one bounced off the other, and now the Jennifer doll was sitting on the coffee table in front of my momma on its knees, red-rimmed open love mouth pointed right at her.

"These would fit better in here if they were deflated," Dr. Greyson said without missing a beat, as if he had just watched some basketballs bounce out of the closet. What the heck, man? Was he some kind of freak?

Tyson was finding this all very amusing. Jen came in with a tray of hors d' œuvres to find her lookalike kneeling on the coffee table. No one got to try them, because Jen smashed the tray over Clayton's head. Emma gasped in shock and had a worried look on her face. Tyson was laughing so hard he actually spit some of his drink on himself and asked to clean up in the bathroom. I wondered if he would say anything about the magazine I'd put in there or not.

When he came out, he joined us all at the table and ate silently. I saw Tyson lean into Clayton and was pleased I was sitting so close to him now, so I heard what he said. If I'd sat across from him next to my wife like I’d wanted, I would have missed it.

"You know, Clayton, if you like the group stuff, give me a call. I swing both ways," Tyson said with a wink.

Clayton looked at him confused, as my momma excused herself to use the bathroom.

"OH MY HEAVENS!" echoed off the bathroom walls. Warren and Clayton went running to her, worried she might have slipped, but the sound of thwacking reverberated, as Clayton ran back into the front room with my momma hot on his heels. She handed Warren the four magazines she had come across and undressed the dolls and gave them to him to take to the dumpsters. She wanted them out now!

"So, who is this guy?" Warren asked. "That's obviously Jen," he said pointing to the girl, as he deflated the boy.

"They're not mine! They're not anyone! That isn't Jen! I wouldn't do that to her!" Clayton cried.

Emma tipped her head to the side. "It looks a little like Eli." She looked back at Clayton, "Is that who that's supposed to be?" she asked all innocent. My girl was a genius.

"Oh, my heavens, Clayton, you're coming to church with me. I don't care if you are a grown boy, you obviously need it. You must’ve missed something growing up, because this is not what a good boy keeps in his home," my momma said with conviction.

He was beyond fighting my momma. She had the look of fire in her eyes, and you didn't cross her if she glared like that unless you had a death wish.

"Yes, Momma," he mumbled.

"Good boy, now finish your dinner," she said calmly. "You know, Devin, you and Emma should join us. The Lord would love to see you more than on Christmas and Easter."

"Wait, what?" This was not part of the plan. "I don't have the porn problem, Momma! And Emma…I mean, that's a lot of people in a new place. I don't think we're ready for that yet," I said quickly.

My momma let out a sigh. "I suppose you're right. Maybe when she's better, you boys can join me again," she said reaching out and squeezing my hand.

"Sure, Momma, maybe once Emma gets to feeling better," I said playing the good son, hoping she would forget all about it. I really hoped she did. I’d done my time in church. Once we hit eighteen, we were free to choose, and we chose to sleep in, much to my momma's dismay, but she said she wouldn't push us, we would find God on our own terms. I guess she was just going to make sure Clayton was looking for Him at her church.

After dinner, we all settled back in the porn-free living room for dessert and coffee.

"Now, Tyson, dear, why don't you tell us what brought you back to our neck of the woods?" my momma asked pleasantly, as if she hadn't just been beating Clayton with a magazine for half the evening.

"Well, we're actually tracking a serial killer. You ladies need to be careful. Always stay in a group, and don't go out after dark."

"Oh, heavens! What makes you think he's here?" my momma asked.

"Well, his last kill was only a state away, and he only ever kills one person in each state. It took us a while to catch on that it was a serial killer, because local cops would see it as a single homicide. It was actually a cop who was on leave and driving cross country to his parents’ home that put it together. He came across three missing women's cases in the local newscasts, where he'd stopped in those states. He thought it was odd.

“You see, adult women are not reported missing as often as children and teenagers, who usually make up most of the missing persons cases, along with some confused seniors, so it's always questionable when a twenty-something woman suddenly goes missing. He called it in, and it was looked into.

“On one of the cases, they were able to get some DNA, and we found an old photo of the guy it matched. The dude is weird and a bit of a freak. He’d been arrested before for shoplifting, and get this. He always stole a crap load of dairy products. I don't even want to know what the hell he was stealing it for."

I instantly remembered the case of whipping cream that had been missing from our order. My momma must have, too, because her eyes widened, and she looked right at me.