Picking Up the Pieces (35 page)

“I’m so happy for you, Max.
Really. Everything seems to be falling into place. You deserve that.” Her words were sincere, but there was another emotion lingering in her eyes. Sadness? “Well, I think I’m going to go check on Amanda. Shane showed up at Swanky last night and they went to talk. She never came back to the room, which I assume is a good sign,” she smiled warmly, “but I’d like to make sure anyway. It was good seeing you, Max.”

Just as she was starting to stand up, I blurted, “Lily, can I ask you something?”
I watched her settle back in her chair, preparing herself for what I might ask. Too bad I had no fucking idea how to say what I wanted to know. So I just let it fall out of my mouth and hoped for the best. “How do you do it?”

She looked confused.
“Do what?”

“P
retend to be in love with someone you’re not.”

Her face hardened and her entire body tensed.
“I wouldn’t know,” she ground out.

I looked deeply into her eyes and whispered, “I find that very hard to believe.”

“Who the hell do you think you are?”

I struggled to retain my sense of calm.
“I’m a man who needs to know.”

“Why?” she spat.

I was thankful for her intensely curious nature, because I knew that it was the only thing keeping her in her seat. “Mary is everything I could ever want. Successful, driven, beautiful, kind. We haven’t been together long, but she loves me. Or at least she
could
love me, probably one day soon. And as much as I try to tell myself to, I can’t return even a fraction of the affection that she has for me. So as much as I want to hold onto her, to see if something grows with this person who you even said yourself is perfect for me, I’m not going to. Because I know that keeping her with a lie will only hurt her more in the long run. So that leads me to wonder. If even
I
can’t do that to someone,” I said, looking deeply into her eyes, “how can you?”

I watched the storm brew just beneath the surface of her skin before she unleashed it.
“Fuck you, Max. Our relationships aren’t the same. I love Adam, more than someone like you could ever possibly understand.”

“I didn’t say you didn’t love him.
I said you weren’t
in
love with him. There’s a big difference.”

She scoffed
. “So who am I in love with then, huh? You?”

“I don’t know.”
I deflected my eyes toward the table, unable to stand the uncertainty in my voice and the venom in hers.

“What else is new?
The man with no answers, no solutions, rears his ugly head. Why don’t you tell me something you do know then? Since you evidently have so much insight into my life, let’s hear what else ya got?”

             
“I may not know how you feel about me, though I think I could guess.” I lifted my eyes to hers, needing to find strength now more than ever. “But I do know how I feel about you. I’ve been in love with you since you dropped your bag at my feet in that airport. And instead of diminishing with time like I hoped it would, my love for you just keeps fucking growing. It consumes me. I can’t love a
perfect
girl like Mary because I’m too hung up on this infuriating, stubborn, beautiful woman sitting in front of me.”

             
Her posture was rigid, but her features had relaxed. She was at least listening. That was all I could have hoped for.

I resumed, my eyes blazing into hers, revealing the biggest truth I’d ever told. “You don’t want me, and I don’t want anybody else.
So I’ll just be . . . left behind. Left to pick up the pieces of my dreams and my heart when you get up from this table and walk away, shattering them both because the girl who means
everything
never even gave me a chance to mean
something
.”

I sat back in my chair, drained, and watched as Lily brought a hand to her eyes and wiped the tears from them.
I gave her the moment she needed since she had given me mine.

When she finally looked back at me, my heart fell.
The look on her face was sheer . . . determination. And I knew right then that I’d lost her. I’d put it all out there, and it hadn’t been enough.

“I know that . . . God, I’m such a bitch, Max.”

“No, doll. You’re not.”

Her head jerked toward me
at my term of endearment. I hadn’t said it to her in over a year. At least not so she would hear it. But I wasn’t going to miss my opportunity now, when it would be the last chance I’d have.

“I am.
I’ve been intentionally cold and distant because you scare me. The way you see me, it’s so . . . accurate. Except for one thing. I am in love with Adam. Our relationship isn’t always easy or perfect, but it’s real. And I can’t walk away from it just because you want me to.
I
need to want to. But I don’t. I’m so sorry, Max. I’m sorry I can’t be what you need, or what you hoped. I’ll always be sad for that.” She hesitated slightly. “But I think you’re wrong. I think you love the idea of me: the crazy, uninhibited version of Lily. But that’s not who I really am. It was an illusion. Give things with Mary a chance. A real chance. I think she’ll be good for you.”

She got up to leave, but I couldn’t let her go thinking that I didn’t see her.
The real her. “I know the difference between reality and illusions. And I know that the Lily I was close to was much more real than the one who’s standing in front of me right now. There’s nothing about you that I don’t see. And you damn well know it.”

I watched her jaw set as she turned on her heels and started walking away.
I wasn’t surprised. Lily leaving me was an image I was all too familiar with. What did shock me, was when she stopped.

Without turning around, and in a voice so low, I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly at first, she asked, “
Do you know when my birthday is?”

“Of course.
March 23rd. Why?”

Her breathing deepened and her shoulders crumbled slightly.
She turned her head to look partway over her shoulder at me. “Nothing. It’s not important.”

“Everything about you is important, Lily.”

Her face scrunched as if it were holding back tears. Then she turned quickly away from me, and was gone.

Chapter 37: Lily

I allowed myself the drive home from Atlantic City to think about what had happened between Max and me. He’d told me he loved me. He’d opened up to me in a way that he hadn’t ever done before. It wasn’t done out of anger or frustration, or in the heat of the moment, like he’d done in the past. He’d said those things when he was calm, self-assured, and completely sober. And despite the fact that his analysis of my relationship with Adam had been off-base, I could respect it. Regardless of what he thought my reaction might have been, he’d had the confidence to express his feelings. And part of me loved him for that, for how truthful and vulnerable he’d allowed himself to be. Mainly because I knew how difficult those two traits can be to show.

             
But once we were home, I forced all Max-centered thoughts from my brain. I figured all cities with casinos should be treated equally. What happens in Atlantic City, stays in Atlantic City, I told myself. And not surprisingly, I was able to focus on other things fairly easily, especially with the wedding coming up.

             
When Amanda had asked me to be her maid of honor, I’d anticipated the agonizing responsibilities that go with the title: planning the shower and bachelorette party, shopping for dresses, and making sure all of the little necessities were accounted for. But luckily, Amanda had done most of the planning on her own, which meant I was just along for the ride.

The months leading up to it seemed relatively calm compared to ot
her weddings I’d been a part of: no screaming matches among the bridesmaids since Steph, Danielle, and I were all friends. And Shane’s sister-in-law Talia was also extremely easy to get along with. I’d imagine being married to Ben had given her plenty of practice when it came to putting up with bullshit.

All in all, I’d breezed through the last several months without much trouble at all.
Unfortunately, the same couldn’t be said for the wedding day.

“Amanda, calm down.”
I put my palm on her back and began to rub in what I thought were soothing circles. “Just relax and take deep breaths.” Amanda had been gasping, wheezing and, according to her, on the verge of vomiting for the past twenty-five minutes.

“How am I supposed to take deep breaths when you bitches have me breathing into this goddamn paper bag?
And why is it so hot in here? It’s only May 10th. This church feels like a third world sweatshop.” She crumpled up the bag and thrust it into my chest. “Someone open a fucking window.”

I nodded to Danielle, who rushed toward one of the two small windows and flung it open.
“You’ll be fine, Amanda. I swear. You want this, remember? You love Shane.”

“I’m not talking about
love
, Danielle. I’m talking about
marriage
.”

Oh God, here we go.

“You realize I’m gonna have to spend the rest of my life picking up the socks and dishes that
Shane leaves all over the house? And his socks are always sweaty.” She jumped up, pacing back and forth between the organ and the brown couch. “I can’t do this. You’ve all got the right idea staying single.”

“Right idea?”
Was this girl delusional? “It’s not
our
idea, you nutcase. No one
wants
to marry any of us. And when someone finally does,” I gripped Amanda’s shoulders firmly and guided her down to sit on the couch again, “I’m sure you’ll be telling us the same thing we’re trying to tell you: that you’re doing the right thing.”

“Yeah,” Talia spoke up
. “Believe me, being married to Ben definitely isn’t a chapter out of some fairy tale. He swears constantly, passes gas at dinner, and has converted half of Kenzie’s playroom into a home brewery.” Talia sat down next to Amanda and leaned over to put her arms around her. “But I love him. And between the two Reed brothers, you definitely got the more refined one.”

Amanda relaxed a bit for a moment and let out a soft chuckle at Talia’s last comment before she jumped right back on the crazy train.
“But remember what that psychic said, Lily?”

Ever since we’d gone to a tarot card reader at a local bar the other night, Amanda had been hung up on what the psychic had said about
Amanda being sure that she was with the right person and that she didn’t have “eyes for another,” as the psychic had called it. “Amanda, I told you not to put any stock into what that woman said. She reads cards on Friday nights for twenty dollars at a seedy bar. Don’t believe any of that shit.”

Just as I checked my phone to see that the
ceremony was about to begin, I heard a knock at the door. Henry’s voice cracked slightly as he yelled, “You girls decent?” He waited a few seconds before continuing. “I mean, it’s okay if you’re not. It’s not like I haven’t seen a little T and A before.”

“Come in, Henry,” Amanda huffed.

“The only ‘T’ you’ve seen is when you were breastfeeding from these about eleven years ago,” Talia said cupping her breasts. “You must have a pretty good memory.”

Henry pretended to shiver at the thought.
“Yo, that’s so gross, yo. Why’s it gotta be like that? Anyway, I came here to tell you that Uncle Shane said the wedding’s about to start.”

“Thanks Henry. We’ll be right out,” I said, shooting Amanda a look that told her it was now or never.
She shot me a look back that told me it would probably be never. For someone who barely feared anything, she looked scared shitless.

“Lily’s right, honey
. I think you’re overreacting just a bit.” Amanda’s mom had been patiently waiting for the right time to speak. She probably knew her history with men didn’t make her much of an authority on the subject of love. “Psychics are kooks, dear,” Angela said. “You can’t make life decisions based on one comment from a crazy woman. And Talia, I just have to tell you, Henry is so cute. He reminds me of this guy Flap Jack I just started dating, only taller.”

A flood of disbelief washed over Amanda’s face as her eyes fixated on her mother.
“Okay, that’s it,” she finally said, knowing that her future could either involve Shane and some sweaty socks or a midget named Flap Jack. Quickly rising to her feet, she made her decision. “I’m ready. Let’s get this shit show started.”

***

Standing next to Amanda as she and Shane took their vows had elicited a response in me I hadn’t anticipated.
Mesmerized, I watched as Shane brushed his thumb across Amanda’s cheek to wipe a runaway tear as he promised to be there for her for their lifetime. He put a hand on the small of her back as they each picked up their separate candles and lit the one in the middle to symbolize the unity of their lives together.

It amazed me that two people could be so wrapped up in each other with an audience focused on their every movement and word.
Not wrapped up in each other in a conceited, egotistical way that so many couples experience on their wedding day. Not a hey-look-at-us-this-is-our-day kind of way. Rather, they gazed at each other as if they were the only ones in the room, their eyes having a silent conversation that only they could hear.

             
As happy as I was for her, I’d never been so envious of anything in my life. I wanted that: what Amanda and Shane had. Whatever
that
was. What they had was more than attraction, it was more than compatibility, and it was even more than love. I couldn’t put my finger on what they felt as their lips touched, but a part of me felt it too. And I didn’t want to let it go.

Sadly, that moment was only that: a moment.
A fleeting, vicarious glimpse into whatever true love feels like. I felt like a drug addict coming down from a high, willing to do anything for her next fix.

 
And in an effort to get that feeling back, I surveyed the guests for Adam, spotting him a few rows away almost instantly. Like my own had been, Adam’s attention was solely focused on Shane and Amanda, until he must have felt me silently urging him to look my way. When his eyes locked on mine, I made out the subtle movement of his lips. “I love you,” he whispered.

I felt a calm overtake me and I returned his sentiment with a sheepish smile.
I love you too
, I thought.

***

I’d ridden in the limo with the bridal party from the church to the reception, and with all of the chaos of the morning, I hadn’t seen Adam much at all.
So when I stepped out of the car, I took a moment to let him envelope me in his strong arms as I breathed him in, slipping my hands around his waist.

“You look beautiful,” Adam said when we finally got a few minutes alone.

“Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself,” I teased, keeping my hands on his hips while I pulled back a bit to admire him. His broad shoulders filled his jacket nicely, and the soft pink of his shirt created a nice contrast to his dark gray suit. “It was a beautiful ceremony, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, good weather too.”

“It was crazy. We almost didn’t get Amanda out there in time. She was a little panicked.”

“Sounds about on par for Amanda,” he laughed as we held hands up the escalator.
“Well, I’m glad everything turned out well. And this place is incredible.” Adam stopped in his tracks as we arrived at the entrance of the reception area. “I had no idea they had rooms like this here,” he said, pointing to the two-story venue. “What a great idea.”

When Shane and Amanda had decided to have their reception at Lincoln Financial Field, I knew that it would be perfect for them.
The Eagles stadium provided a flawless combination of their tastes. Casual with a bit of class, the long rectangular industrial-style room showcased floor to ceiling windows along one wall, looking out onto another stadium and the parking lot. The venue had a loft feel with exposed ductwork and a modern color scheme of gray and deep reds. The main floor held the dinner tables, which were elegantly decorated with black tablecloths, cream napkins and small green and white bouquets.

The DJ was stationed in front of the windows, and a long bar lined the opposite wall below the second story balcony.
At either end of the expansive space were various buffet stations: salmon, lobster risotto, and shrimp cocktail at one; cheeseburger sliders, buffalo chicken eggrolls, and a taco bar at another, along with a few assorted soups and a salad bar. There was no formal sit-down dinner, no strict schedule to adhere to. People could eat, dance, snap pictures, and relax at their leisure. I laughed at how appropriate the whole setup was for Shane and Amanda. Neither one of them was ever any good at being told what to do or when to do it.

Upstairs, on the balcony overlooking the main dining room, were several flat screen TVs tuned to local games, high top tables near the railing with a view of the main seating area, and tall red velvet semi-circle booths along the outside wall.

Adam and I took our time strolling through the facility, reading about various athletes on the plaques and photographs that hung on the walls, and munching on a few of the appetizers.
“I can’t believe Shane agreed to have bar food here,” Adam said, taking a bite of his eggroll. “Not that I’m complaining.”

“No kidding.
And I can’t believe Amanda let anything
healthy
in here. I mean, arugula salad and tilapia? I’m not even sure she knows what those are.”

“I’m sure she knows what they
are
,” Adam added. “She just knows she hates them. And I can’t really blame her. Arugula belongs in a field somewhere, not on people’s plates.”

We made our way past the cozy booths upstairs and through the outside exit, which led to the stands in the football field.
A few of the other guests had also decided to enjoy the fresh air or take pictures with the field as a backdrop.

Adam and I stayed outside for a while, until most of the guests had gone back in and the sun had almost set completely.
Even though it was May, and Adam’s arm draped over my shoulder to keep me warm, I couldn’t help but feel a little cold.

“There the two of you are.” Kyle’s voice startled me. And I turned to see Kate smiling sweetly beside him
. I was happy to see the Atlantic City drama was behind them. “We’ve been looking for you everywhere. Your best friend’s celebrating her marriage and you’re sitting outside being all antisocial and shit?”

“Be nice,” Kate scolded Kyle in jest. “You really
should
come in though. They’re getting ready to do the first dance I think.”

Adam and I rose to follow Kate and Kyle inside,
making our way downstairs. Shane wasn’t much for dancing, so it didn’t surprise me to see him sitting to the side of the dance floor at one of the tables. He was probably working up the nerve to dance in front of over a hundred people.

I looked around, searching for Amanda, and expecting to see her threatening Shane onto the dance floor with her glare.
Instead, I found her stationed near the DJ holding the microphone.
God, please tell me she’s not gonna sing.
Amanda leaned in to say something to the DJ, and as she backed away and moved slowly toward Shane, the DJ cut off the song that he’d been playing abruptly and replaced it with a low, soft song that I’d recognize anywhere: “(I've Had) The Time of My Life.”