Pieces of Me (24 page)

That was it. That was all Sam needed to hear.

Leif put his hand on Samuel’s shoulder. Briefly. Gently.

“You should go find Vivian,” Samuel said without turning around.

“I can go in with you, if you want—” Leif crossed his arms.

“No, man, I’m gonna stay till they kick me out.”

Leif didn’t know how to help but he needed to do something. “Are you hungry? I can grab food and bring it back.”

“Sure, but take your time.”

Sam mentally recited the thirteenth Psalm as he turned the knob and pushed open the oversize door. A chorus of beeps and blips and hisses were shrouded in darkness.

He swallowed hard, then dragged a chair next to Misty’s bedside.

Her eyes were closed, almost swollen shut, her face round and peaceful. Her belly puffed up the covers oddly. Sam knew that was the organ failure; her liver wasn’t doing its job anymore. He picked up her hand and cradled it gently. Her fingers were smudged with black, as if she’d been handling a lot of newsprint, or copies with mucked-up ink.

Samuel closed his eyes, rested his forehead on her hand, and began to speak.

“Dear Lord, Yahweh, Jehovah, Messiah, the unnamed power of the universe. Your people call you many names, they praise you in many languages, they ask you for many gifts. You have granted me many miracles and have been present in my life in many ways. Misty needs you now. Please be with her. Hold her hand and keep her safe. Aid her sleep, bring her peace, and if it’s time, please take her home. Let her live or make her die, but no more slow suffering. It’s too much to bear.”

Across the bed, I held Misty’s other hand. And when Sam said “Amen,” I echoed him and we waited.

Leif lifted a couple of fingers
when Vivian glanced toward the window. He loved watching her work. The expression on her face seemed as though she saw beyond this world into another, more beautiful, more expressive world.

She opened the door and stepped back. “So?”

“The nurse pretty much told us she’s dying. I came to see if you’re okay.”

“Of course I’m okay.”

“You took a big risk going to the hospital, didn’t you?”

Vivian shrugged. “I should have stayed.”

“Uh, no.” Leif’s breath caught, thinking about Vivian being in that bed, dying instead.

“She shouldn’t have been alone.”

“According to Sam, we’re never alone.”

“God? You believe that?”

“Maybe. I don’t disbelieve.”

She nodded. “I’m sorry for fighting with you.”

“Me too. I don’t even know what I did.”

“It’s not important.” She shook her head. “You’ve been a good friend.”

Leif blanched and felt a pulse of shock hit his heart. “Just friends?”

Vivian turned away and began tidying up.

She’s nervous. Lying. Does he know her well enough to see it?

“Of course we’re friends,” she answered, not making eye contact.

“That’s all I am to you?”

“What else is there for us?”

“What else?” Leif growled. “You get me. You fill empty spaces inside I didn’t know I had. I love you.”

The shock on Vivian’s face quickly dissipated behind disbelief and fear. If she believed him, if she went there, there was no going back. “I have a mustache.” She narrowed her eyes with the admission as if waiting for him to run.

He shrugged. “I can’t grow one.”

She crossed her arms. “My gums are swallowing my teeth.”

“They’ll cut them off before you’re toothless.” He stepped forward.

“My face is the shape of an undercooked pancake. I have no cheekbones.”

He stepped forward until he was almost within touching distance. “Oh, come on, you make yourself sound like Quasimodo.”

Her eyes widened, and she nodded as if he finally understood her. “Exactly. Are you sure they didn’t hit your head?”

He reached for her. “Puhleez. You’re being dramatic. My grandmother has a mustache.”

“I’m like your grandmother?” Vivian blanched.

“Yes. Well, I love her, but I don’t want to have sex with her,
so no. You’re not. Maybe. Dammit, Vivian, I don’t even know what’s going on here.” He shoved forward until they almost touched.

She huffed.

“Viv, look at me.” He lifted his hands to cup her shoulders and then dropped them without following through.

No, touch her! Touch her!

“Don’t make fun of me.” She sniffled, near tears.

“I’m not. I’m really not. I just don’t know what to say. You don’t believe me.”

“What?” She flipped around as if that was the last thing she expected him to say.

“I tell you I think you’re beautiful and you don’t believe me. What else can I say? You may have a new heart and lungs, but you need glasses.”

“Oh, now I need glasses?”

“Look. I get it. I’m supposed to be in love with the head cheerleader with her perfect hair and that face of makeup and her fake ’n’ bake tan. But she eats saltines and drinks water at lunch. You eat a triple cheeseburger with smothered fries and wash it down with a chocolate shake. You laugh at my jokes and tell me I have a good singing voice. You talk about real life, not reality-television princesses.”

She wrinkled her nose. “You do have a good voice—”

“I’m not going on tour anytime soon and we both know it, but you look at me and you don’t see a future gold medal or a hundred-million-dollar contract offer.”

“If you wanted those, I would support you—”

“I know you would. I really know it in my gut. That’s why I
love you. Tell me this, why do you have a mustache and a round face and lots of gums?”

“Because of the meds,” she answered, dropping her eyes.

Leif knelt to keep eye contact, and when he winced, she pushed him into a chair. “And without the meds?”

“I would reject the organs and the CF would take over other stuff.”

He clasped her hands. “And without a heart or lungs? With the CF winning?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you didn’t have a working heart, or a set of lungs that moved air, what would happen to you?”

She frowned and squinted at him like he’d lost his mind, but I saw where he was headed and I liked it.
Go, Leif!
Never in a million years did I think I’d ever cheer on a baller.

“I’d be dead,” she finally answered in a tiny voice.

“Uh-huh. So …” Leif’s voice boomed like he’d won the game.

“So?”

“So you’re here. With me. Living. That’s beautiful to me. You make me want to do more than go through the motions.”

She nodded.

“Besides, I can teach you to shave.”

They cracked up and she snorted snot through her tears.

“You’re alive, Viv. That’s sexy to me. That’s a gift.” He hugged her.

She laid her head on his shoulder and melted into his strength. “I love you too.”

Samuel, George, and I kept vigil
into the night. The nurses were having a hard time finding Misty’s parents, but they kept trying.

“She’s going to die, isn’t she?” George asked Sam.

Samuel hadn’t stopped praying, but he felt sure there were no miracles left to be had. “I think so.”

George nodded.

“Please, God, let her see my face before she leaves. Let her look upon someone who loves her. Let her see her brother here with her.” Samuel kept repeating this plea over and over in his head. He screamed it so loudly, internally, I was sure everyone, not just me, heard it.

At some point, the younger boy fell asleep with his head on the bed. Sam covered him with a blanket and sat back down.

Quietly, and with tenderness, Samuel’s ma touched his shoulder. “Samuel, she’s not going to wake up, honey. But she doesn’t hurt anymore either.”

Samuel grabbed his ma’s hand. He held on so tightly I worried her bones might snap. Her expression told me she’d do anything to take this pain from her son. How horrible must it be for parents to say good-bye, or to watch their children suffer?

How are my own parents, my brother, handling my death?

Samuel wiped his nose and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.

Mrs. Sabir waited in silence, then with a deep breath said, “Honey, it’s not safe for you to be in the hospital. What about infection?”

Leave him alone
.

“Sam, she’s not going to wake up. We need to get you away from the germs.”

He shook off his ma’s touch. “Leave if you want. I am staying.”

I witnessed the confusion on her face, the fear that he was defying her again. To need her comfort so desperately one second and shake her off the next was life in the microcosm. She didn’t know how to handle this swift change. She looked so lost, and so ambushed by his adulthood, I almost felt sorry for her. With a nod, she slunk out into the hall without saying anything.

Samuel didn’t notice. His hands cradled Misty’s and he returned to his prayerful plea.

Leif grabbed three kinds of burgers
, enough fries to feed a defensive line, and sodas.

“You’re not coming in. You promised,” he demanded.

“I promise, but you’ll text me. If anything happens. Anything changes.”

“Of course.”

“But don’t let anyone see your phone. Technically, they’re supposed to be off, but we all sneak them.”

“Okay.”

“And ask Heidi who’s on shift after her and I’ll tell you who to talk to.”

“Okay.”

“And—”

Leif interrupted. “Vivian, the food is getting icy.”

“Sorry.”

“I’ll be with Sam and I will bring him to your house if he’ll let me.”

“And if his mom is here—”

“She can come too. I heard your mom say she’d get the guest rooms ready.”

Vivian kissed him quickly, almost embarrassed by the new intimacy. “Thank you.”

Leif tossed his jacket over the food and hurried down the hallway toward Misty’s room.

He stopped when he saw George and Samuel out in the hallway. “What’s going on?”

“Shift change. The doctor is checking her; we need to wait outside.”

“It’s normal.” Sam’s mom patted Leif’s arm. “Sit down.”

“I brought food.”

“Good, the boys are hungry. Here, George, you have to eat.” She immediately took over mothering. George seemed to appreciate the attention.

The doctor and Nurse Heidi stepped out. I stayed where I was at Misty’s side.

“We need to find your parents,” Heidi repeated to George.

“Are you her guardian?” the doctor asked Samuel’s mom.

She shook her head. “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to reach them.”

“The number of visitors is usually limited to two at a time. But until we locate the rest of her family—”

“Thank you,” Samuel answered.

“Doctor, will you please instruct my son to—”

“Ma. Not now.” The strength in Sam’s tone sounded anything but childlike and everything adult. “Please.”

“Yes?” The doctor checked the chart, but paused.

“—eat his dinner. Tell him to keep his strength up.”

“What she said.” The doctor pointed at Sam’s mom and gave a small smile. “Once a mom, always a mom.”

As he walked away, Leif leaned toward Sam and said, “If Vivian shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t either, right? It’s risky for you.”

“I can’t leave.”

“Mrs. Sabir, Vivian’s family has prepared a guest room for you that you’re welcome to use,” Leif said. “I can take you over there if you’d like.”

“That’s so kind, but I don’t know—”

“Give us a minute, okay?” Sam asked Leif.

“Sure.” Leif ushered George into Misty’s room.

“Ma, I have to stay. I need to see this through—”

“But, Samuel, if you get an infection—”

“Then I get an infection. Ma, Misty has the same donor as me. We met on the Internet. God brought us together for a reason.”

“That reason isn’t for you to both die.”

“Ma,” Samuel said, exasperated. “You wanted me to be well so I could have a life, right? Have a future? Fall in love? Go to Paris? Be a man?”

“Yes, but—”

“I’m being a man and doing the right thing, the hardest thing, and being here for my friend when she dies.”

“I see.”

“I have to do this on my own.”

“But—”

“Go home, Ma. Please. I’ll be back in a few days.”

The sadness in her face broke Samuel’s heart. He had to break
away; he needed to stand on his own and not need her so much. He wasn’t sick anymore.

He tried to soften the divide. “I really appreciate how much you’ve taken care of me. You’re a wonderful mother. And I’m grateful that you never let me stop hoping that I could survive and get well. But I’m not sick anymore, and I’m seventeen, almost eighteen. I need to stay here. And find out about my donor.”

“Will you keep your cell phone with you? And you’ll answer when I call or text? You won’t leave me hanging?”

“I promise.”

“And you’ll let me know where you’re going and who you’re with and—”

“I promise, Ma. I’ll crash with Leif, or in Vivian’s guest room. They’re good people. Vivian’s an artist—you’d recognize her work. Leif’s parents are famous athletes. Nothing bad is going to happen.”