Pieces of My Heart (14 page)

Fourteen

“Eyes open, Jade.”

I hadn’t even realized they were slipping shut again, the motion of him carrying me upstairs to his room and the warmth of his blankets tucked tightly around me, lulling me to sleep.

“Keep looking at me. I wanna see those pretty eyes.” Cal slipped out his cell and fear crept up my spine as I watched him dial.

“Wh-who are you ca-calling?” I was afraid he’d changed his mind and was calling an ambulance to come and get me.

“My mom. She’s out of town, but she might know what to do. Mom.” Caulder’s focus shifted to the phone call and mine began to drift. “I need your help . . .” His words seemed hushed and far away as they spoke.

“Eyes open.” The sudden change of volume had me following his command to find him right in front of my face. “C’mon, Jade. Stay with me.”

“Yeah. She’s awake.”
Talking to his mother again. My sluggish brain was having a hard time keeping up. “She’s refusing to go . . . No, Mom, I can’t. She doesn’t want to go. I can’t do that to her . . . I know
that, but I— Hold on. I’ll go check.

“I will be right back. Do not fall asleep on me.” I could only assume that was meant for me. I did the best I could, but the exhaustion was like a physical force dragging me under.

I knew I'd almost fallen asleep again when Caulder’s hoisting me into a sitting position roused me. “Hands up.”

Gritting my teeth against the shooting pain in my ankle, I tried again to make my arms work with not much better results.

“Okay. Here we go.” Caulder helped me lift my arms, one at a time, and carefully slid them free of my coat and sweater. I didn't even have the brain power to wonder why. My jeans went next, joining my shoes and the rest in a heap on the floor. I was left in nothing but my bra and undies as he tucked me back in. Any other time I would have been mortified. Now I was just grateful for the warm blanket. “Jade?”

“Hmm?”

“I've got a few heating pads here were going to use to try and get your body temp back up.”

“Mmhmm.” I honestly didn't care what he did as long as I never had to leave that bed again.

The moment the first pad made contact with the back of my knee, I cried out. It scorched my skin like fire.

“What?” Caulder jerked back as though
I'd
burned
him
. “What's wrong?”

“T-Too hot.”

He snapped up his cell again. “She said it’s too hot. It’s burning her . . . Mmhmm. Okay. Hang on.”

For the thirty seconds he was gone, all I wanted was for him to come back. I didn't need the hearing pads. I needed him. 

“Cal?”

“I'm right here, Angel.” I reached for him feebly and he took my hand. “I'm right here. I got something to wrap the pads. It should protect your skin. It's so cold right now it can't handle direct contact.”

He held up a pillow case and I watched him wrap the small single use snap-and-go pad in it. This time when it touched the back of my knee, it gave off a comforting warmth. 

Repeating the process three more times, he added pads to my other knee and both armpits. 

“Okay, that's better.” He had his phone pressed to his ear again and some of the stress had eased from his face. “ . . . Uh huh. Okay. I'll call . . . Thanks, Mom.”

By the time he hung up, my body had already begun to warm.

“How are you feeling?”

I nodded. It felt good, except with the returning warmth came the violent shivers again. My body was so worn out that they physically hurt, jostling my ankle until it screamed in protest. A high pitched whine escaped my clamped lips and Caulder slid onto the mattress over the blanket.

“Okay. It's okay.” His hands rubbed roughly up and down one of my arms and then the other. “You're gonna be okay. Just hang in there.”

"Caaal.” I was whining. I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself. “It hurts.”

Cursing out loud, he ran both hands through his hair, anchoring them at the back of his head. “You should have let me take you to the hospital. We can still go. Please, let me take you—”

“No. No hospital.”

“Jade . . .” If indecision had a look, it was the one plastered all over Caulder’s face in neon lettering.

“Please, C-Cal.”

“Goddammit. Fine.” G
rabbing ahold of the hem of his shirt, he tugged it over his head. I wasn’t seeing much through my barely open eyes, but I couldn’t miss that. Completely bare chested, he reached for the blanket covering me.

“What are you doing?”

“Body heat. I’m trying to warm you up quicker, but it’ll only help if you can actually feel it. It’s not going to do much good through this heavy comforter.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Jade . . .” His fingers paused, wrapped loosely around the edge of the blanket. “You can say no. I swear to you I'm not doing anything but trying to get you warm, but you can say no. If you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable, you say it. Right now.” 

He waited for me to tell him to stop. The thing was . . . I didn't want him to stop. “It's okay. I t-trust you.” 

“Don't say that.” With a burst of cold air, he lifted the cover and slid underneath, leaving nothing more between us than the worn, cotton material of my bra.

It was a testament to the condition I was in that not even that bothered me.
“Why n-not?”

“Because if I deserved your trust I'd have you in a hospital bed, instead of mine, right now.”

His hand settled over my bare chest and my entire body went solid.

“We have to warm your heart, Angel. Blood recedes to the core of your body to keep your heart warm and beating when you get really cold. That’s why your fingers and toes go numb first. If we can warm your heart on our own, then your blood can move back out and take care of the rest of you.” The entire time he explained, he rubbed circles over my chest.

Whatever he was doing, it was working. I could feel warmth beginning to travel beneath my skin and my body was beginning to relax. “Please, Cal, can I go to sleep now?”

“Let’s see how you’re doing, first.” He reached for the thermometer on the bedside table and I felt it brush across my forehead. “Your temperature’s coming back up and you’ve stopped shivering. Your breathing’s back to normal. Let me just call Mom to be sure, but I think you’re going to be alright.”

Cal shifted away from me and panic reared its ugly head.

“Wait!” I was being foolish and needy, but I was too tired, too worn out and desperate, to care about reason. “Don’t go.”

The softness in his eyes was almost too much to bear. His warm body settled beside mine and his arm slithered underneath me. With one movement he scooped and rolled me until I was half lying on top of his solid chest, the sound of his heart beating steadily beneath my cheek. I braced my sore leg for impact, but it landed softly on the sheets between his.

“I’m right here, Angel.”

I felt him squirm, fishing his phone from his pocket and heard him dialing. Then something brushed over my forehead again, and this time I didn’t think it was a thermometer.

I was out before he ever spoke a word.

***

When morning broke, I woke to find myself alone beneath the covers. Caulder sat hunched over on the edge of the mattress.

“Hey.” Painfully aware of my lack of clothing, I used my good foot to scoot up against the headboard and pulled the blanket up to my chin. “Thanks. For last night.”

“Don’t.” I couldn’t see his face, but I didn’t need to.
Still bare from the waist up, I could see the way each of the muscles in his back went rigid with tension.

I proceeded with caution. “Don’t, what?”

“Don’t you dare thank me for that.”

“I don’t . . . understand.”

Finally he shifted around to look at me and I almost wished he hadn’t. Pain warred with anger in his eyes. All of it bordered with thick, dark rings of exhaustion. “You needed a doctor last night. Real medicine. A friggin’ hospital. Not some cheap-ass heating pads and warm hugs.”

“But I wouldn’t let you—”

“That’s the problem
, Jade.”

“Cal . . .”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“Can’t do what?” I reached for him, but the pain splintering from my injured ankle brought me up short.

“This. Us.” The misery swirling in his eyes cut deep. “You and me. Whatever this is. Wherever it was heading. I can’t, anymore. I’m sorry. I thought I could, but I can’t. I’m just not strong enough.”

“But . . .”
Wherever this was heading?
Where was this heading? I was suddenly desperate to know. “Why?”

“Because . . .” His solid jaw turned to granite as he blinked away the dampness in his eyes. “I lied to you. The car and the food weren’t enough. It’ll never be enough. I’ll never stop wanting to take care of you. But you won’t let me in. You refuse to let me help you.”

“I
did
let you help me. Let you see the real me . . . the leech. And you—”

“Who said that to you?” Caulder’s lips parted in shock. And loathing. “
Your mother?
Jade, you have to believe me when I tell you I
want
to help you. You are
not
a leech.” His words rung with conviction, but as he spoke I watched his face melt into defeat. “But you won’t believe that, will you? You can’t. Not until you find a way to shut out all that bullshit your mother’s filled your head with. It doesn’t matter what I say. Her voice will always drown mine out.”

Because you’re damaged goods
.

“I can’t live like this anymore.
I had to watch my brother suffer right in front of me because there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.” He’d inserted the knife, deep and clean. And now, he twisted it. “This is worse. Because there
is
something I can do. Only you won’t let me.”

“
You’re such a hypocrite, Cal!” My heart pounded inside of my chest. I’d never yelled at anyone. Ever. In my whole life. But I was so angry. And hurt. I hurt everywhere. My ankle was tender and swollen. My head throbbed with the rapid beat of my pulse. My entire body ached like I’d just completed a triathlon. But above all, I was afraid. Desperately terrified of what I was watching slip through my fingers. “You say I won’t let anyone in, won’t let anyone help. But what about you? Who do you let in?”

His eyes went wild “
You, Angel!
I let
you
in. I trusted
you
. But you don’t trust me.”

“I do—”

“Not enough. You’ve never trusted me enough to let me in.”

“I’ve let you—”

“
No.
I’ve had to knock down those damn walls you hide behind, again and again. You’ve never opened them and let me in on your own. Not once. I can’t keep doing it.”

“Caulder . . .” Was that true? I couldn’t think straight. My brain, scrambling to find the right words to say, kept coming up blank.

“I’m sorry, Jade. I’m so—”

“Don’t.” I didn’t want his damn apologies. “If I’m so damaged—”

“I didn’t say that. Angel—”

“Don’t call me that!” He was giving up on me. On
us
. Before I even realized there was an ‘us’ to give up on. Throwing back the blankets, I eased my weak body from the bed and gingerly set my foot on the floor.

“ . . . Jade.”

Where the hell were my jeans? God, it was humiliating rummaging around in my underwear while Caulder sat back and watched.

“Jade, you have to understand. I—”

I took another step and my toes caught in the rug, tugging on my ankle in a way that made my next breath hiss between my teeth.

“What’s wrong with your foot?”

“Nothing.” I took another careful step, but now that he was focused on it, the limp was impossible to conceal.

“Your ankle’s swollen.” Without pants, that too was a little difficult to hide.

“I fell on the stairs.” Refusing to look at him, I continued the hunt, determined to collect enough garments to cover myself with at least the illusion of modesty and get the hell out of there before my face could get any hotter.

“Last night? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I had bigger problems last night.” And I had bigger problems now. Like finding my freaking clothes.

“Dammit, Jade.” He stormed out of the room, and I used the momentary privacy to flop down on the floor and reach beneath the bed for my pants.

Tugging the elusive denims over the softball sized joint proved more difficult than I’d imagined, but I was motivated. As I welcomed the comfort of the warm material of my sweater wrapping around me, I was relieved to spot my sneakers near the door. The part of my brain that hit the floor a little too hard the night before thought I might actually make it out of there without having to face him again, but Caulder’s presence filled the room, nearly knocking me on my ass before I’d even regained my feet.