Pink Butterfly (22 page)

“I know that sitting here watching her move into the light isn’t going to do anything for Father O’Shea.”

“Fine, punch her then.”

Jeff pulled back his fist to punch the Father in the face and hesitated realizing he was about to punch a priest. Maybe some priests deserved a good punching, but it seemed really wrong to punch Father O’Shea at this moment.

“Are you going to do it or not?” Hilda asked.

With that said, Jeff let loose and punched Father O’Shea in the jaw knocking him back in his chair for a moment. There was no reaction from the priest and he continued to look up at the stain on the ceiling. “It didn’t work,” Jeff said.

“You gave it a shot, that’s the best you can do,” Hilda stated.

“Yeah, I guess so. I feel sorta bad since I’m the one who asked him to come over in the first place, but then he knew what he was getting into I suppose.”

“They do take classes on stuff like this. I know, my brother is a priest, or at least he was. Long story.”

“So if both spirits get taken into the light, I end up with a dead priest in my strip club. That almost sounds like a punch line to a joke.”

“Yes it does, funny you say that.”

“So now what?” Jeff asked staring at the priest.

“Sit back and watch, might be a good show,” Hilda replied.

Father O’Shea pushed back from the table and stood with his hands raised to the stain in the ceiling. He began to mumble a bit and shake like he was having a seizure.

“I don’t like the looks of this,” Jeff said.

Father O’Shea began to quake and rise from the floor towards the ceiling. He leaned back and let his arms fall to his sides as the spirit’s had their way with him. Hilda and Jeff both stood watching like deer caught in the headlights as the priest shook and trembled.

“What’s with the floating stuff?” Jeff asked.

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen anyone float before.”

“Think maybe I should try to pull him back down?”

“Wait a second, see how this plays out first,” Hilda replied.

Jeff and Hilda continued to watch the priest shake and float near the ceiling. At first it was terrifying, now it was like watching a washing machine.

“I’m pulling him down,” Jeff said and walked over to the priest. Jeff reached up and grabbed the priest’s right leg and gave it a tug. It sorta felt like a helium balloon the way he could push and pull it around so easy.

“Pull him down for God’s sake, quit playing with him,” Hilda said.

Jeff pulled down on the priest and set him back in his chair. Letting go, the priest began to float back up so Jeff pushed him back down again. “Do you have something heavy?” Jeff asked. “Like a purse?”

Hilda grabbed her purse and handed it to Jeff who placed it on the priest’s lap. Stepping back, Jeff watched the purse fall to the floor and the priest begin to float again.

“Put the strap around his neck,” Hilda said pointing to the priest’s neck.

Jeff picked up the purse from the ground, put the purse strap around the priest’s neck and again watched to see if he would stop floating upwards. Instead, his top half leaned to the right, the purse spilled off his neck and he continued to float up sideways. “Maybe some string would work, I could tie him to the chair.”

“Got any string?”

“No.”

“Does he have shoelaces on his shoes?”

Jeff took a look at the priest’s feet. “Yes,” he replied.

“Tie his shoelaces to the chair legs.”

“Now that I think about it, I think he’d drag the chair up to the ceiling as well.”

“If you’re able to pull him down, then a weight should be able to hold him down.”

Jeff thought for a moment and realized that Hilda was right. “Ok, you hold him to his seat and I’ll tie his laces to the chair leg.”

“No, tie them to the table legs, the table weighs more,” Hilda said.

“That sounds like a better idea,” Jeff said.

Hilda walked over to the floating, shaking priest and grabbed a hold of his leg. With a loud pop, the priest exploded all over the table, chairs and juice bar section of the club.

Jeff stood in shock and horror with a piece of rib bone stuck in his arm and guts dripping from his hair. On the ground, below where the priest was floating, stood Melvin Skankmeyer with a shit eating grin on his face.

“Hi Jeff,” Melvin said. “Nice suit.”

“What just happened,” Jeff asked looking back and forth from Melvin to Hilda.

“I don’t know,” Hilda said wiping brains off her pants.

Melvin raised his hand like a kid in elementary school, “Ask me, ask me!” he shouted hopping up and down like a child.

“Ok step dad, what’s going on?” Jeff asked.

“When you were trying to force Laurie back onto the other side, I sneaked through the doorway and possessed the priest with her.”

“That’s why he was shaking so badly?” Jeff asked.

“Sorta, I was trying to kick Laurie out but the dumb bitch wouldn’t leave. We were having issues in the priest’s body,” Melvin replied.

“Where’s Laurie now?”

“On the other side, I kicked her ass out and shoved her in the hole while the priest was exploding all over you guys.”

“Why?” Jeff asked. “Why come back?”

“It sucks in there, nothing to do, no fun at all.”

“Where were you? Heaven, Hell?” Hilda asked.

“Fuck I don’t know, looked like Montana or Wyoming or something. Only no cowboys or Indians.”

Jeff looked to Hilda, “What the fuck?”

Hilda shrugged her shoulders.

Melvin pulled back a chair from the juice bar, wiped off some guts and sat down. “When do the girls go on?”

“Seven,” Jeff asked.

“That’s like three hours, what’s there to do till then?”

“For starters, calling 911 and reporting an exploded priest in my club.”

“This is your club?” Melvin asked.

“No, but I run it.”

“Not a bad shit hole actually. Who owns it?”

“The country of Labiastan, it’s an embassy.”

“If I were you, I’d skip calling 911, you don’t want the cops involved in this mess.”

“Really? How do I explain a missing priest that I called and asked to come here, and explain all this mess all over my bar?”

“On second thought maybe you should call 911, but make up a really good story. Like he had gastrointestinal problems, or was hit by a drive by shooting.”

“Nobody drive by shoots anyone around here, and I’m not his doctor so how would I know if he had gastrointestinal problems?”

“You need to lighten up and be creative. Maybe it was a gas leak?”

“The gas company would be able to tell immediately.”

“Maybe his boyfriend got pissed that he was hanging in a nude bar and decided to off him?”

“How about the truth?” Jeff asked.

“Nobody’s going to believe that he blew up while contacting the other side you idiot.”

“People believe lots of shit he does, you ever been to Catholic church? They do all sorts of nutty crap. If I were you, I’d clean this mess up and pretend he was never here.”

“I have video surveillance, he’s all over my hard drive.”

“Erase it.”

“Everything is so easy for you isn’t it? You have no responsibly here so all your stupid ideas sound sane to you.”

“If you want a stupid idea, call a carpet cleaning service, they’ll probably report you to the cops.”

“Just for the sake of stupid argument, do you think I could clean up this mess in three hours? The customers will be coming in about thirty minutes before that so that only leaves me two and a half hours to get this slop off the walls.”

“Fuck it, it’s your bar, do what you want.”

“My bar looks like this because of you!”

“So? What are you going to do about it?”

“Maybe I should call 911 and report you!”

“Go for it, let me know how that works out for you. They fried me in the chair years ago.”

Jeff stepped over to Melvin and spun him around in his chair. “You seem alive to me now!” he barked at his step dad.

“Don’t believe everything you see son,” Melvin said lifting his shirt exposing the surgical scar from his open heart operation. Using his fingers to pry open his chest, Melvin exposed his potato heart to Jeff and watched Jeff’s eyes as his potato heart pounded away. “Not every day you see that?” Melvin asked.

“What the fuck are you? A ghost? An alien?” Jeff asked.

Melvin pushed his chest back together and pulled down his shirt. “I’ve asked myself that same question a million times and for the life of me I have no clue what I am. But I do know that I’m back baby!”

Alicia stood before the judge at her bond hearing wearing an orange jail jumpsuit. Next to her stood her court appointed attorney and behind was an armed sheriff’s deputy. The judge looked down at his paperwork and back up at Alicia. He scratched his ear and reread the paper again.

“Where is your mother?” the judge asked.

“Fuck you,” Alicia replied flipping off the judge.

The judge smiled. “You are being charged with a count of aggravated robbery and the murder of a gas station attendant. How do you plead?”

“God bless America, land that I love!” Alicia began to sing aloud.

“Council, could you instruct your client to answer the questions please?” the judge asked the lawyer.

“I tried judge, but she’s being a little bitch.”

“I see that,” the judge replied. “Did you try smacking her around a little?”

“No, that goes against my code of ethics.”

“I see,” the judge said. “Ma’am, if you don’t give me a plea, I’ll submit a plea of not guilty for you.”

“Do you want fries with that?” Alicia replied.

“I’ve been a judge for ten years, a lawyer for twenty before that and never in all my years have I come across such a stupid girl. I hope you’re council advised you to shut your hole because everything you say is going to come back and bite you in the ass.”

“No sir, I will not bite your ass,” Alicia replied. “You’re old enough to be my grandfather.”

The judge whacked his gavel and said, “No bond, court date to be set by the clerk, next case.”

Alicia unbuttoned her orange jumpsuit and pulled it down around her waist exposing her breasts. She grasped the right breast with both hands and began shooting milk out of her nipple onto the floor making gunshot noises. “Bang, bang,” she said turning side to side like she was shooting a Tommy gun from the thirties.

“Bailiff, please escort this young lady to her holding cell, or where ever she came from,” the judge said.

The bailiff walked over to Alicia and attempted to get her to pull her jumpsuit back up. With a bang, a bullet shot from Alicia’s right breast and struck the bailiff in the sternum knocking him back on his ass. The court erupted in shock as Alicia turned back and aimed her tit at the gallery of onlookers from the crowd. “Get back or I’ll shoot!” she yelled cocking her breast like the chamber on a gun.

The deputy stepped back behind the lawyer who was cowering in fear.

“Get me a car! I’m getting out of here!” she shouted.

“What kind of car?” the lawyer asked.

“A car with fucking wheels you dumb shit! You think I’m kidding?” she asked pushing her breast closer to the lawyer.

“What kind of gun do you have in there?” the lawyer asked.

“The kind that puts holes in fucks like you,” Alicia replied.

From behind, Alicia felt the weight of the judge as he dove onto her back knocking her into the lawyer driving them all to the floor. She turned to face the judge, all dressed in black robes and shot off a round from her other breast striking him in the left lung. The judge rolled over onto his back and grasped his chest where the bullet struck and began to cry like a baby.

In a flash, Alicia was back on her feet, smoke rising from her left nipple. “Anyone else want to fuck with me?” She shouted to the crowd?

“If you had a gun, why did you wait till now to use it?” the lawyer asked cringing in fear.

“They wouldn’t make a Lifetime for Women movie about me if I did it any other time. I know when to hold em and when to fold em. Today was a good day to play my cards! Now, where’s my car?”

“We don’t have a court appointed car getter,” the layer stated. “You need to be more specific and ask someone to get you one.”

“By that time the S.W.A.T. team will be up my ass and all over this place!”

“Didn’t you think of that when you were making your grand plan?” the lawyer asked with a grin.

Alicia stepped over to the lawyer and bend over hanging her breasts over his face. “You want some of this?” she asked. “I got a lot more where that came from!”

“Where exactly do you keep your bullets anyway?” the lawyer asked.

“I have D cups, where do you think?”

“Are you some sort of time shifting robot?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know!” Alicia barked back laughing like a mad woman.

Then the sound of helicopter blades shot over the building and Alicia knew mommy was here to save the day. Holding the crowd at bay with her loaded tits, Alicia quickly limped over to the court room window and pulled open the shades revealing a small helicopter flying next to the fifth story window with her mother at the controls. She waved at her mother and lifted the window up allowing the wind from the blades to shoot into the courtroom. Taking a quick look back to make sure no one was following her, Alicia leaped from the window to the helicopter using her good ankle and missed the runners by ten feet. She fell fifty feet to the ground and landed on the well-manicured lawn face down.

Realizing she wasn’t dead, Alicia got back up on her feet, brushed herself off and shoved her tits back inside her jumpsuit. The sound of the helicopter was still loud and she knew she still had a chance to escape so she limped into the street to flag mother down. Seeing Alicia, Mary Campbell lowered the helicopter down to the street and clipped a power line with a blade snapping it off sending it flying through an insurance salesman’s window. The helicopter veered into a department store and blew into a thousand pieces ripping Mary to shreds and burning her in a huge fireball that landed on the sidewalk below.

“Fuck,” Alicia said watching her mother burn across the street in a heap of rubble. With the distraction of the explosion and ensuing fire, Alicia took off limping down the street and dove into an alley looking for a place to hide. She found many dumpsters and a few stray cats, but not much else. Then she spied the back door to a shop and limped towards it. Before she got to the door, a car pulled into the alley and parked beside her in a spot designated for renters. Acting like nothing was wrong, Alicia waited for the door to open and to her surprise it was one of the dancers from the Pink Butterfly she had met the night she was to start work.