Read Please Don't Stop The Music Online
Authors: Jane Lovering
I’m
guessing that’s what this little exercise is all about. Making me
keep a diary, the one place I can be really honest – good thinking.
From your perspective. Me? I think honesty was one of those things
that died, crawling on the back of comprehension and lucidity. Now
I’m hanging in there and things like today make me realise how far
I am from having a normal life. Funny, that one kiss from a
reluctant stranger can make me see …
Chapter Four
I
curled up on the sofa and stared into my glass of wine. ‘D’you
think I did the right thing?’ I asked Rosie who was leaning over
the table, glueing dried leaves onto card fascias. ‘Leaving my
stuff, I mean. He could flog the lot for stupid money and run
off.’
‘
Mmmm. Do you trust him?’ She looked up, her eyes bulgily
magnified behind the glasses she wore for close work.
‘
Yes. No. He’s a bastard.’ I gulped some more cheap
Chardonnay. I was really thinking about that forced kiss and my
reaction to it, but I wasn’t about to admit that to
Rosie.
‘
Sexy?’ Rosie stuck on a pink-tinted oak leaf, concentrating
so hard that her glasses started to slip down her face.
‘
He’s so skinny, I mean, it’d be like … I dunno, shagging a
pogo stick or something. And his clothes! You should have seen
them, today he’d got these jeans, right –’
‘
I
should warn you, Jem, I’m taking this as a yes.’
‘
Huh.’ I held up the bottle. ‘You sure you don’t want a
glass?’
Rosie joggled her bosom at me. ‘Breast feeding.’
‘
Yes, but you don’t have to swear off everything you enjoy, do
you?’
‘
Believe me, when you’ve got a tiny baby
there’s not much that you
do
enjoy. Or can even bear the thought of.’ She
jerked her head up towards the ceiling, as though her chin was on
string. ‘Oh, he’s awake again.’
‘
I
didn’t hear him.’ But two seconds later I did, as Harry’s wails
floated through the substantial structure of the cottage. ‘Do you
want me to go?’
‘
No.’ Rosie sighed and took her glasses off. ‘I’ll try another
feed, that might settle him.’
‘
Anything I can do on the card front while you’re
gone?’
She
gave a long, slow blink as though her eyes were tired. ‘It’s all
fine. I’ll get Harry off again and come and finish these. Saskia
wants them all by the day after tomorrow, so I’ll have to make it a
late one tonight.’
‘
Woah, I thought you said she wanted them by the weekend –
even that would be going some.’
‘
She changed her mind.’ Rubbing her back
wearily, Rosie began climbing the stairs. I heard her go in to
Harry with a rather curt, ‘
Now
what do you want?’ and then the rocking sound of
Harry being fetched from his cot. There was a loud creak as she sat
on the edge of her bed, and then a silence which lasted until I’d
finished my wine. I went up and peeped through her door. Rosie was
stretched on the bed, fully dressed and fast asleep, with Harry
alongside her, nipple still in mouth. His eyes were screwed tight
shut and his tiny starfish hands had relaxed into sleep. I picked
him up gently and laid him in the cot. Apart from a momentary jerk
as the cool sheets touched the back of his head, he didn’t move. I
covered him and then his mother, although I drew the line at
tucking her boob back into her dress. I pulled her duvet up and
turned out the light. Then I went into my own room and flopped down
on the divan.
Wine
buzzed pleasantly around my head and gave rise to a pretty little
fantasy, where my jewellery was discovered by a hugely wealthy
woman – make that Madonna – who dragged me from obscurity to follow
her around the circuit as her personal designer. Reality tried to
intrude by asking what the hell Madonna would be doing hanging
around Ben Davies’ backstreet establishment, but I ignored it, and
fell asleep to pleasant imaginings of a villa in Portugal,
returning to Britain only to annoy Saskia with my new, famous
friends.
At
three o’clock in the morning I was woken by Harry. I pulled my
pillow across my ears and reminded myself how lucky I was to have a
roof over my head. Did a few nights of disturbed sleep really
matter that much, in the scheme of things?
Harry let rip with another screaming bellow. How did Rosie
stand it? In fact … I took the pillow away from my ears to check …
why hadn’t she gone to him? Rosie hated to hear Harry cry; she’d
normally haul him up onto her shoulder at the merest hint of a
grizzle.
‘
Rosie?’ I got out of bed and whispered against the wall.
‘Hello?’
Harry, hearing me, redoubled his efforts. I went across the
landing and into the room in case Rosie had been stricken and
confined to bed or something. She wasn’t there.
‘
Rosie?’ Picking Harry’s warm, wet body out of his cot, I held
him against me. He shuddered with the force of his crying, twisting
his head away from me in rejection. ‘Sssshh. It’s all right.’ I
tried to soothe the baby, but all I could think was that something
was very wrong. Rosie never let Harry cry himself into a
state.
I
tiptoed down the stairs, Harry’s little fists clenched in my hair
and his forehead banging against me like a heavy metal music fan
listening to Motorhead. Rosie was downstairs, hunched over the
table brushing powder paint over seed heads.
‘
Rosie? What’s up, couldn’t you hear him?’ I touched her on
the shoulder and went to pass Harry over, but she cringed away,
holding up her camel-hair brush to ward me off.
‘
I …
I just can’t cope with him right now, Jem. That’s all. I thought …
I thought he’d go back off to sleep after a while. I really need to
get these cards done.’
Her
face was blotchy and streaked in the miserable light from the
tablelamp. ‘Are you OK?’
A
frantic, desperate nod. ‘I’ll be fine. Honestly. I just need to do
these cards otherwise Saskia won’t let me keep supplying her. If I
get all this done tonight I’ve only got the last bits to finish off
before I deliver them.’ She was avoiding looking at Harry. ‘There’s
a bottle in the fridge, will you warm it up and feed him? He should
go straight back down afterwards, and then I –’
‘
Rosie.’ I spoke carefully but insistently until she met my
eye. ‘I’ll gladly feed Harry and change him and settle him and
anything else his little heart desires. But, and I want you to
listen to me, but, I will only do it if you agree to go back to
bed. Now.’
‘
Jem, I –’
‘
NOW, Rosie!’
I’m
not usually this stern. Hell, I’m not usually stern at all. In fact
I’m Miss Pussycat Pushover, but it had the desired effect. Rosie
went all kind of limp and turned for the stairs as if she’d had a
run in with a stage hypnotist. Harry stopped crying and gaped at
me, with his mouth all round and just the right size and shape for
the bottle teat I shoved between his lips a few moments
later.
I
stared down at his blissful little face as he sucked and wondered
what the hell I was doing. Middle of the night and I’m feeding
someone else’s baby while they go and sleep. When did I get so
altruistic? Although I had to admit it was nice, snuggled up while
Harry fed, watching his body relax. Like being a mother without all
the tedious nine months being sick and getting fat stuff. And no
saggy belly or enormous tits either.
As
though even the merest thought of enormous tits had beamed out
through the ether, there came a tap at the window and Jason’s
shifty profile pressed itself against the glass. ‘Anyone up in
there?’ he hissed.
‘
Only me.’
‘
Oh.
I just finished pulling an all-nighter, saw the light was on. Got
any coffee that doesn’t taste like it’s already passed seven sets
of kidneys?’
I
shuffled to open the door, Harry tucked under my arm. ‘All right,
but can you whisper? I’ve sent Rosie off to bed and I don’t want
her to find any excuse to come back down.’
‘’
Kay.’ Jason kicked his boots off and came in. ‘I’ll put the
kettle on then, yeah?’
Harry’s eyes began to close and his sucking eased off. He
became a warm, damp weight in the crook of my arm and by the time
Jason came back into the tiny living room bearing two steaming mugs
and a spare packet of biscuits, Harry was fast asleep.
‘
Rosie been working then?’
I
laid Harry down on the sofa so that I could take my mug. I’d only
once attempted to hold a hot drink whilst cuddling him, and Rosie’s
resultant screech had been audible in Dorset.
‘
You
know what Rosie’s like for not wanting to let anyone down, if she’s
told Saskia that the cards will be ready tomorrow then she’ll kill
herself in the attempt.’ I stared at Harry’s downy little head.
‘I’m a bit worried about Rosie, actually.’
‘
Mmm?’ Jason looked at me over the rim of his mug. ‘What about
her?’
‘
She’s just so tired. Is it natural?’
Jason lowered his eyes, giving me a glimpse
of his fantastic long eyelashes. They were one of his major pulling
attractions, apparently, although I
had
pointed out to him that camels
have beautiful eyelashes despite smelling like a suitcase of offal.
‘When Viv had her kids, she was knackered most of the time. I
remember Lance – that’s the brother-in-law – told me he hadn’t had
a decent shag in four years.’
‘
Jason, please!’
‘
You
asked.’ Jason blew steam. ‘So, yeah. Reckon it’s natural. But if
she can get plenty of rest she’ll be fine.’
I
yawned a huge yawn that made my jaws creak. ‘So you won’t mind
keeping an eye on Harry for what’s left of the night then? Since
you’re awake anyway.’
He
slumped down on the sofa next to Harry. ‘OK. Seeing as you’re so
persuasive and all, I’ll watch him ’til one of you gets up. Can I
help myself to your cornflakes?’
I
yawned again. ‘Sure. They’re Rosie’s anyway.’
‘
By
the way.’ Jason began rummaging in the pocket of his overalls. ‘You
got another e-mail from your man. I printed it out so you wouldn’t
have to yomp over to the workshop.’
‘
Privacy, Jason? It’s not just a word that means being alone
long enough for a wank, you know. Anyway, I thought I changed my
password.’
‘
You
did. I watched. Honest, Jem, “Christian”? What kinda password is
that? Never figured you for a God-botherer.’
‘
I
didn’t know one of your sisters had children.’ I took the
much-folded piece of paper from him, resisting the urge to start
reading.
‘
Yeah. Jasper and Freddie. Names right out of the lost-puppy
handbook, but they’re okay. How about you, Jem, you’re not an only
child are you?’
‘
How
do you know that?’ I sounded frosty but Jason didn’t seem to
notice.
‘
Rosie and I, we got talking about you. Just after you come
here it was. What with you bein’ all mysterious and all. She said
you couldn’t be an only, ’cos you’re too good at
arguing.’
‘
I
bet she didn’t say it like that though.’ I forced myself to relax,
uncurling my fists.
‘
Nah. I’m just translating her words into the lingua franca.
It means the language we have in common,’ he added, seeing my
face.
‘
Yes,
I
know what it means …’
‘…
but you’re surprised I do? Yeah, I know a thing or two, I
went to Roedean.’
‘
Jason, Roedean is a girls’ school.’
Jason gave me a wicked smile. ‘Yeah it’s amazing what you can
pick up from those posh bints when you’re giving ’em one up the
Pavilion.’
I
shuddered. ‘That had better not be a euphemism, and if it is,
please don’t tell me.’
His
wicked smile widened and his eyebrows waggled. He was reaching for
the digestive biscuits as I took myself off up the stairs back to
bed.
Chapter Five
When
I came down next morning – although actually it was the same
morning, but later and it felt like another day altogether – Jason
was sprawled asleep along the sofa with Harry sprawled asleep on
him. They were snoring in contented unison, although I was glad to
notice that the spreading stain of damp along Harry’s bottom wasn’t
mirrored by anything Jason might have done.
I
inched into the kitchen, put the kettle on and poured myself a bowl
of muesli which I’d just started to eat when I was joined by Rosie.
She looked pinker and better rested than she had at any time since
Harry was born.
‘
How
are you?’ I asked carefully.
‘
Oh, Jem.’ Her hands went to her black curls
and she tugged at them distractedly. ‘I am so sorry about last
night. I was
exhausted
, but I had to keep doing the cards and then Harry wouldn’t
settle and –’
‘
It’s fine. Honestly, Rosie. Harry went off like a lamb and
he’s been asleep ever since. It’s probably the best night’s sleep
he’s had since he arrived. Courtesy of our Jason there.’