Popcorn Love (29 page)

Allison’s heart sank into her stomach. Every single
time she had ever heard those words, disappointment or heartbreak
followed—news that she was being shuffled off to another home, that
she wasn’t what the family wanted, that she simply wasn’t enough.
Every single cell in Allison’s body rioted against those words,
because, if they meant what she expected them to mean, that Elena
was about to tell her that all of this had been a terrible,
impulsive mistake, then Allison didn’t think she could handle
that.

This thing with Elena, whatever this was, had been
such a reprieve from the loneliness Allison often felt. It had been
a patch for the dark, gaping hole inside, the part of her that
still felt so unlovable. It had been exciting, refreshing, and
riddled with hope. To lose it before it even truly began made
Allison feel like she couldn’t breathe. Her whole body was a pin
cushion, pricked over and over by the possibilities ripping through
her mind, and, within seconds, she talked herself into believing
that whatever it was Elena wanted to talk about would result in
nothing but utter disaster, and that made Allison sick to her
stomach.

She wanted to run. She wanted to get as far away from
that house as possible, wanted to pretend like those words had
never come out of Elena’s mouth at all. Maybe she could go home and
sleep and wake up to realize that it was all a dream and it was
still the day before their date. Allison didn’t care, as long as
she didn’t have to live in this one moment, this one moment that
would undoubtedly prove to be yet another disappointment in a long
list of disappointments that colored her life.

“That came out wro—” Elena tried, but Allison shook
her head and took another step back.

“It’s, uh,” Allison said, her voice strained as if
her throat had collapsed, “it’s okay. I get it. You don’t have to
say anything, Elena. I’m actually pretty used to this.”

“Allison, no.” Elena tried again, but Allison was
already moving around her and toward the foyer, desperate to
escape.

“Don’t,” Allison said through gritted teeth. Tears
built up in her voice. “You don’t have to explain or whatever. You
think we made a mistake, and that’s, uh, that’s okay. I’m just
going to go. I should go.”

She raced to the door, Elena hot on her heels, and
then whirled around at the last second. “Can I at least still see
Lucas sometimes, though? Because I care about him, and I—”

Elena launched herself into Allison’s personal space,
hands shooting up and cupping around her cheeks to silence her. She
looked directly into her eyes. “Allison! Stop.”

The words died in Allison’s throat, her gaze captured
by Elena’s. The woman looked at her so lovingly, so intensely that
it threw Allison’s balance. Was she or was she not being
rejected?

“I
don’t
think this is a mistake.” Elena
stroked her thumbs over Allison’s cheeks.

Allison’s mouth went dry. Her heart clenched in her
chest. Her flesh tingled beneath Elena’s fingertips. “You
don’t?”

“Of course not,” Elena whispered. She lowered a hand
and poked at Allison’s side. “Are my kisses that unconvincing?”

Allison let out a sigh and muttered, “No.”

“Good,” Elena told her, smiling. “I would hate to
think my kissing was inadequate.”

Allison snorted, shaking her head and taking a deep
breath. “Your kisses are the best I’ve ever had.”

“I’m sorry for my wording, Allison,” Elena said. “I
realize now how ominous that sounded, but I assure you it’s nothing
worth running from.” Her brows furrowed. “At least, I hope it
isn’t.”

“
I’m
sorry. I freaked out. I should’ve let you
finish, but I’ve just heard that a lot in my life, and it’s never
been followed by anything positive, you know?”

She nodded. “I am not turning you away, Allison. I
simply thought it best that we discuss a few things. Will you stay,
please?”

Latching onto Elena’s hand, Allison let her lead them
back through the house and into the living room. They settled on
the couch, a fair distance from one another, and an awkward silence
developed between them—one woman unsure of how to begin and the
other still completely wary of whatever was coming. “So,” Allison
croaked, unable to take the silence any longer, “what was it that
you wanted to talk about?”

A soft sigh slithered across Elena’s lips. She sat
across from Allison, her hands clasped atop her knees and her legs
crossed elegantly at the ankles. “I think it’s obvious that you and
I are
quite
attracted to one another,” she said,
“considering the fact that we seem to be unable to keep our hands
to ourselves.”

“We seem to be doing a pretty good job of keeping our
hands to ourselves right now.”

Elena’s deadpan stare made them both laugh. “Thank
you for that keen observation, dear.

“Sorry,” Allison said. “Go ahead.”

“As I was saying, the attraction between us is
obviously intense, and I hate to be presumptuous, but I believe it
is apparent where things are headed.”

Allison bit her lip and cleared her throat. “Sex,
right?” she asked. “I mean, just clarifying that we’re talking
about sex here, yeah?”

Elena smiled, shaking her head. “Yes, dear,” she
replied with a throaty laugh. “We are talking about sex.”

“Yeah, okay. Thought so.” Allison waggled her
eyebrows and slipped her foot across the floor to bump Elena’s
crossed ankles. “So, you wanna have sex with me, huh?”

She liked the way she could make Elena squirm
sometimes by just being forward, but when Elena nodded firmly and
said, “I do, yes,” Allison nearly fell off the couch.

“Uh, um, well.” She tried to orient herself, and
Elena burst into a teasing smile.

“Oh see, you can dish it out, but you can’t receive.”
She bumped Allison back with the toe of one high-heeled shoe.

“Good God, woman! Are you trying to kill me?” Allison
wheezed. They laughed together and shifted closer to one another on
the couch. Allison relaxed back into the cushion, and Elena leaned
on the couch arm. “Seriously, though. Were you being serious?”

“Yes.”

Allison felt like a teenager again, like she was
crushing so hard on Elena in that moment that she was surprised the
woman wasn’t flat as a pancake. “Um, well, that’s good.” Her cheeks
flushed and she wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans, hoping Elena
wouldn’t notice. “That’s
really
good.”

“Yes,” Elena whispered again, moving closer to
Allison. “Only, like I said, Allison, I think it’s best if we
discuss a few things first.”

“Okay,” Allison agreed. “I don’t have any STDs or
anything like that if you’re worried. It’s been a while since I’ve
been with anyone, and I’ve had my yearly exam since then, but, I
mean, I can go get tested again if you want, like, proof or
something.”

Elena shook her head and smiled. “Thank you, but I
trust you. However, I’m glad you mentioned that it has been some
time since you have been with someone; because that is one of the
things I wished to speak with you about. It has been a very long
time since I have been with anyone, sexually or otherwise.”

“Is it okay if I ask how long?” Allison
whispered.

Elena nodded, head ducked. “Over four years.”

“Wow.” Allison breathed. “That is longer than I
expec—Oh.”

Suddenly, it clicked in her mind. Lucas was three,
and likely nearing four, but the timing was clear enough.

“Lucas?” Allison asked quietly.

“Yes,” Elena sighed. “His conception, actually.”

Allison tapped her fingers together. She felt
incredibly awkward, and not because Elena was sharing with her but
because she had so many questions; but she
really
didn’t
want to cross a line.

“Um, was it an accident? The pregnancy, I mean?”

Elena nodded again. “Yes, it was rather jarring to
discover. I had never planned on being pregnant at twenty-three,
barely out of college. It terrified me. Such an experience in
itself can make one wary of sex, especially someone like me. I like
things calculated. I like plans. I like structure. I don’t
typically care for surprises, and Lucas was certainly a surprise,
but…”

“But, it was more than that? More than the pregnancy
that scared you off sex?”

Brown eyes grew distant, colored darker by some
painful memory dancing through Elena’s mind. “Yes,” she whispered,
and Allison’s stomach lurched.

Allison gripped her knees, nails digging into her
jeans. “He didn’t, Lucas’s dad…” The mere thought made it difficult
for her to breathe. “Was it not consensual?”

“Oh no, Allison.” Elena reached over to latch onto
Allison’s arm. “It was nothing like that, dear. It was consensual,
yes—foolish, but consensual.”

The tension in Allison’s body faded as she turned
more fully toward Elena and took her hands. She stroked Elena’s
knuckles with her thumbs. “Okay.”

They were silent for a long moment, both just staring
at their laced fingers, before Elena whispered, “I met him at
Harvard.”

Elena’s eyes focused on her, sad and soulful. “His
name was Jonathan.” Allison didn’t miss the past-tense verb. “He
was a year ahead of me, but we had two classes together. He pursued
me relentlessly, always complimenting me and asking me to lunch or
dinner or breakfast even. I turned him down many times, because I
didn’t want any distractions from my studies. In fact, I turned him
down the entirety of the time we were in school together, though we
did develop a rather fulfilling friendship, frequently studying
together and occasionally meeting for coffee. It remained that way
for over a year.”

Allison squeezed her hand and Elena took a deep
breath.

“He was kind and incredibly intelligent,” she
continued. “We began dating after I left Harvard. Sex wasn’t
something that was ever a prominent part of my life, nor was it a
prominent part of my relationship with Jonathan for a while; not
that I never had sex, because I did; it just wasn’t often. I had
always been cautious about activities in which the risk factor was
relatively high. Honestly, you should have seen my reaction to
losing my virginity. I was a mess until my period came.”

Allison chuckled and squeezed Elena’s hand
again.“I’ve always assessed risks and determined whether the
activity was worth the possible consequences,” Elena said. “As
such, I’ve rarely ‘let loose’ as Vivian puts it, especially where
sex and relationships are concerned. It’s not that I think sex
can’t be wonderful. I know it can be, in more ways than one, but as
I said—risks. I hardly felt that a ten-second orgasm was worth a
lifetime commitment to an unplanned child, or worth a lifetime
struggle with an incurable disease. You see what I mean?”

“Totally. I can get that you would be cautious about
it, especially since you already had specific plans for your life
and everything. And don’t take this the wrong way, because,
obviously, Lucas is the best thing ever, but I guess you were
totally right to be wary. I mean, you
did
end up
pregnant.”

“Exactly.” Elena sighed. “It’s amazing how so many
people can have unprotected sex countless times and never have it
result in a pregnancy, and then others only once, and surprise—a
baby.”

Allison squeezed her hand again. “So, is that how it
happened? One time, and then say hello to Lucas?”

Elena laughed wetly, her voice strained. “Mm.” She
hummed, nodding. “Only once with Jonathan, and I ended up pregnant.
Of course, I absolutely have no regrets about it now, because Lucas
is the light of my life. He is
everything
. But when I found
out, I was devastated. It felt like my life had ended before it
even began.”

“And Jonathan?” Allison asked. She hesitated,
scratching at the back of her neck and averting her gaze. “I mean,
did he like leave you or something?”

“He never knew.”

“You didn’t tell him?”

“I never got the chance.” A lone tear slid down the
smooth expanse of her cheek. “He was in a car accident three days
after that night. They said it was instant, that he died on impact
and didn’t feel any pain. It was weeks before I even discovered I
was pregnant.”

Allison’s chest felt uncomfortably tight, and she
squeezed Elena’s hands until both their knuckles turned white. “I’m
sorry, Elena” she whispered.

“I never talk about it. My parents and Vivian avoid
the topic like the plague because they know how painful an
experience it was for me. The pain lessened with time, but it never
fully faded. It is just difficult to discuss.”

“Yeah,” Allison muttered. “I don’t talk about a lot
of the hard shit either. Sometimes, just saying it out loud is too
much, like it somehow makes it feel too real again, too close.”

Elena looked up at her, eyes wide and deep. “Yes,”
she gasped. “That’s exactly it.”

Allison offered her a sad smile. They stared at one
another, holding hands and nodding in the weighted silence. It
seemed like hours passed before either spoke again. “Did you love
him?”

“Who’s to say? I’m not sure I even knew what romantic
love was at the time. My entire life had been about growth,
ambition, achievement, success. Of course, I know what
love
is. I’ve lived a happy life, filled with love, but
romantic
love? That’s different, isn’t it?”

Allison smiled tenderly at the way she walked circles
around her question. She did this often herself, so that the weight
of certain truths never settled fully upon her. She squeezed
Elena’s hand again. “Elena,” she said, ducking to capture her gaze,
“did you love him?”

Fresh tears escaped down Elena’s cheeks as she
finally nodded and whispered, “I certainly thought I did.”

Pale fingers moved over damp cheeks as Allison wiped
away Elena’s tears. “I’m sorry,” she breathed, and Elena leaned
into her touch. It made Allison ache in a thousand different
ways.