Poppy Shakespeare (15 page)

'Legally,' said Mr Leech, 'we've a very strong case indeed.' And he gone on to list all the reasons why, which I can't remember
none of them to tell the honest truth, and I couldn't of even two seconds after, being all so smart they gone straight through
my ears leaving hardly a smudge in between. They was all acts and sections and presidents and fuck knows, all with a number
and a date and a number and he never even had to look none of them up, and with all of them books in the glass case besides
him, he didn't even need them, do you know what I'm saying, 'cause that was how clever he was.

'How come you know all
that?'
I says. Didn't mean to; I just come out with it and he smiled. 'How do you
remember?'
I says, 'cause I seen we was getting on alright. And each time he come up with something else, like another law or an act
or whatever, I'd keep cracking up all over the place. 'Bet
you
was the smart kid at school!' I said. You could see how he weren't offended.

Poppy never looked at me. Sat downing all of his sections and acts like swigs from a can of Tennents. I ain't saying she
got
it no more than me, but she got it was good news anyway and every swig give her more and more hope till her eyes was all dreamy
and drunk.

'So!' said Mr Leech, when he'd finished - the way he said it, like clapping his hands, it made you sit up in your seat.'So!'
he said. 'We need to get things moving.'

'Thank you!' said Poppy, like 'Thank God! At Last!' I'm like 'Alright; you ain't on Death Row!'

'First,' he said, 'it's tedious, I know, but we need to sort out the paperwork. I take it you receive MAD money . . .?

'Ah,' he said. 'Well that's the first thing. Unless you have savings you can access?'

'Don't even go there!' Poppy said. 'I'm twelve grand in debt; that's
apart
from my loan.'

'No other source of income?' he said.

But Poppy shaken her head.

'I'm
on MAD money,' I said. 'On Middle High Middle, been on it for years.'

'I'm afraid that doesn't help us,' Mr Leech said.

'But I told you,' said Poppy. 'There's nothing the
matter!
Why would I be on
MAD
money!'

'I know,' Mr Leech said. 'You're perfectly right. It
doesn't
make sense, but there you are; that's just the way it works. You must be receiving MAD money in order to access the MAD Law
Purse; that's how the system's funded. I'm afraid as things stand, I can't represent you, or not unless you can guarantee
to meet the fees yourself, and - I don't believe in being less than direct - a case like this involves a great deal of work.
Matters concerning mental health are notoriously hard to prove and tend to drag on indefinitely, though naturally . . .'

'But I thought you said I'd got a really strong case!' said Poppy.

'And you
have,'
he said. 'But it wouldn't be fair . . .'

'So what about No Win, No Fee?' she said.

But Mr Leech shaken his head. 'I'm sorry.' He was sat forward now. Arms crossed, with his elbows on the table. 'It's just the
way we're funded,' he said.

'The stress!' Poppy said. 'I could sue them for thousands. I don't even want it; you can
have
it,' she said.

'It wouldn't be ethical,' he said. 'May I ask what your objection is to applying?'

'Forget it!' said Poppy. 'There's no fucking way!'

'I can help you,' I said. 'Get you Middle Low Middle . . At
least,'
I said. 'Maybe Low Middle Low . . .'

'The rate doesn't matter,' said Mr Leech, but Poppy didn't say nothing.

'I know it's crazy,' said Mr Leech. 'You have to declare yourself mentally ill in order to prove you're
not
mentally ill, but there you are; I don't make the laws, I just have to work within them.'

'How much?' said Poppy.

Mr Leech frowned.

'How much would it cost?'

'Several thousand, at least. It depends; the whole question of burden of proof . . .'

'I'll find it somehow,' Poppy said. 'I'll borrow it. I'll sue their butts . . . I'm sorry,' she said.

'No problem.' Mr Leech smiled.

'You're sure you can get me out,' she said.

'You've a very strong case,' said Mr Leech and they shaken hands and he give her a card with his name on.

'Come on, N!' said Poppy and she'd opened the door before I was even stood up. It pissed me off slightly, to tell you the
truth, 'cause I couldn't see what the rush was, and Mr Leech smiled like neither could he, and he shaken my hand and I gone
out after her.

25. How none of Poppy's friends wouldn't borrow her the money

Poppy didn't hang about; as soon as she got home from seeing Mr Leech, she picked up the phone and rung everyone she could
think of. First she rung her friend Natalie, the one she'd told me about before, the one who done aromas or whatever.

'Where have you been!' said Natalie. 'I've been leaving messages all week! Well, never mind that. Did you get a place on the
course?'

So then Poppy had to tell her what happened and how she'd wound up at the Dorothy Fish instead of doing Media Studies.

'Shit!' said Natalie. 'Are you alright? You should of told me before!'

'I wasn't sure what you'd think,' said Poppy.

'Come on!' she said. 'This is me, Natalie, your
friend,
remember! Honestly, Poppy! I mean, I sometimes think I've a screw loose myself, well
several
actually. There but for the grace of God . . . It could happen to
any
of us. At least you're facing up to things. Most people just live their lives in denial. So what's it like? Are they helping
you? Are they giving you stuff? Is it . . .'

'Like what?' said Poppy. 'What sort of stuff?'

'Well don't know,' said Natalie. 'Prozac or something;
I
don't know!'

'THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!' said Poppy.

'Oh,' said Natalie. 'Oh, OK. So what are you doing there then?'

'And what did you say?' I said to Poppy. She was telling me over fatty lamb stew in the canteen Monday lunch-time. And Poppy
said how she'd gone through what happened again. All the stuff at the dole office, how they'd told her she was mentally ill
and she had to have treatment compulsive, and if she didn't she'd go on the ward and if she gone on the ward then what would
happen to Saffra? 'And when I'd finished,' Poppy said, 'there was like this huge pause on the phone. "I was wondering about
Saffra," she said. "Wondering what?" I said. "Well maybe she could stay with me," she said. "Give you a bit of a break; it's not
a problem." "I'm fine," I said. "Don't take this the wrong way," she said, "but you've got to think of Saffra."

"And what's that s'posed to mean?" I said. "Well you
have
seemed pretty stressed," she goes. "To be honest, Poppy, ever since Dud left. Looking back, I guess I could see this coming."
"You could?" I said. "Well it's hardly surpris­ing," she said. "You've been under a lot of stress, Poppy. Single mum and losing
your job and remember how upset you got, you know when you left your bag on the bus. . .""I was
stressed,"
I said. "I lost my keys. I had to get all the locks changed. I'm skint!" "Still," she said. "Natalie," I said, "I'm not being
rude but I've had a long day." "You don't want to get overtired," she said. "And really," I said, "I just need a yes or no.
Can you lend me the money or not?" I said. "I understand if you can't," I said, "but I just need to know." "I'm sorry,' she
said. "You know I would but I can't; I just can't. It wouldn't be right," she said.

"Who
is
this man anyway?" she said. "He's taking advantage of you, Poppy. You're vulnerable; he's just trying to make money. And even
if he could get you out. To be honest, Poppy, you're barking up the wrong tree. You need the help; I'm just glad you're there.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. . ." "Fuck off." I said.'

I giggled just 'cause of the way she said it, but Poppy weren't laughing; she looked upset. As she talked she stabbed at her
fatty lamb stew with her white plastic fork, kept bending. And she told me how she'd rung everyone, everyone she could think
of. Her family, even American cousins, and all her friends, and all the people she'd been at school with and everyone she'd
ever worked with and people she'd met on holiday; she'd gone through five address books. And listening to the list of people
I felt a bit weird, do you know what I'm saying, just all the people she known. And I seen her having this massive party for
all her friends and family and they'd easily fill up the whole canteen and most probably the Abaddon Tower as well, all the
way to the top. And everyone laughing and talking about her and saying how great she was, and Americans too with American
accents, and Poppy the centre of it all and here we was, do you know what I'm saying, sat having lunch together.

But it didn't sound like Poppy be planning a party anytime soon. Not one person had offered to lend her even so much as a
fiver. In the end, she said, she stopped telling them what she needed it for 'cause the moment she did, the moment she mentioned
the Dorothy Fish, turned out everyone seen it coming. 'But I haven't seen you for nearly ten years,' she said to one. 'What
you talking about!' And they said how she'd always been highly strung, even at school she'd seemed slightly unstable, like
the time when she'd slapped that boy round the face, what was his name, on account of he'd pinched her arse. But even though
Poppy stopped telling people, the word got around why she needed the money, 'cause everybody rung everyone else, and they
all agreed that to lend her the money, that was the easy option. And the caring most responsible thing was to all say no and
hold their ground, so that's what everyone done. 'I even spoke to Dud,' she said. 'Someone had rung him, I don't know who.
If I find out I'll fucking kill them. Said his parents had offered to look after Saffra. They'd like to help. "With what?!"
I said. "We don't
need
any fucking help." "She
is
their granddaughter," he said."Yeah," I said. "Yeah. So what are you saying?" His fucking parents, that's
all
I need.'

I'd been looking down at our plates as she talked; I'd finished mine ages ago and she hadn't ate nothing. 'Are you going .
. .' I said, but then I looked up and I seen there was tears in Poppy's eyes. In fact they was spilling out of her eyes. She
kept pushing them back with the palms of her hands so as not to smudge her mascara. 'You alright?' I said.

'I don't know what to do,' she said. 'I just don't know.'

'About the money?' I said.

'I spoke to my dad as well,' she said. 'I mean I didn't
tell
him obviously. I just said I needed to borrow some money.'

'And what did he say?' I said.

Poppy shrugged. 'I'm sure he would if it wasn't for Pam. She wants a new kitchen, do you know what I'm saying. They only just
got
one three years ago. I said, "What,
another!" . . .
He said, "You know what she's like." I wish he'd just fucking stand
up
to her! And he asked what I needed it for, of course. I said to cover the mortgage while I'm doing my training. He said I
thought you said you got this funding, and what about Dud? He's not stupid, my dad."Forget it," I said. "I'll manage."

'So I'll just have to wait the month out,' she said. 'Three more weeks. I'll just have to do it. There's nothing else . .
.'

"Cept MAD money,' I said.

But Poppy Shakespeare shaken her head. 'No way,' she said. 'There's no fucking way I'm applying.'

That afternoon in my one-to-one I s'pose I said something I shouldn't of. We'd sat in silence a bit like usual, and Tony had
asked how I was like usual, and I'd said alright, like usual as well, and he'd said what does that mean and I'd said alright.
Tony frowned like not sure what to say, like you seen him thinking it through, 'So how are you getting along with Poppy?'
he said.

'Alright,' I said.

'Can you be a bit more specific?' he said.

'What do you want to know?' I said.

'Whatever you want to tell me,' he said.

I shrugged. 'We get on alright.'

Tony didn't say nothing to that. He folded his arms and crossed his legs. The toe of his shoe drawn circles in the air like
the second hand of some invisible clock.

'Why have you changed the assessments?' I said. 'You only done me two weeks ago. What do you need to assessing me again for?'

His toe stopped moving at twelve o'clock so his foot was bent up in the air. 'Are you worried about it, N?' he said.

'No,' I said.

'There's no need to worry,' he said.

'I was only asking,' I said. 'I ain't worried. I ain't got no reason to worry, do you know what I'm saying. I don't care if
they
do
kick me out; it don't make no difference to me . . . it's going to happen anyway, might as well be sooner as later.'

'What's going to happen, N?' said Tony. His foot relaxed and gone down to stop at six-thirty.

'Everyone I ever known,' I said. 'My mum, my nan. My dad,' I said, 'though I never met him, I still got his genetics.

Mandy down Sunshine House,' I said.
'I found
her, do you know what I'm saying. I fucking walked in and there she was . . .'

'It must have been very distressing,' said Tony.

I shrugged. 'Dunno,' I said.

'I'm just saying,' I said.

'I know,' said Tony. 'But what makes you think you're going to be discharged?'

'I never said I was,' I said.

'Good,' he said. 'Because let me assure you, your place is perfectly safe. No one is going to discharge you,' he said.'Not
until you're ready, I guarantee it.'

'You discharged Pollyanna,' I said.

'Pollyanna was different,' he said. 'I can't discuss Pollyanna.' It was weird like a cloud come over the room, like suddenly
it felt like about to rain. Tony seemed to feel it too; he crossed his legs the other way and folded his thin arms tight across
his chest.

'Sometimes,' he said, 'it's hard for clients to understand why we do things. But there always is a reason,' he said. 'I'm not
saying we don't make mistakes of course; none of us is perfect. And obviously we're limited within the constraints of the
system. It's not ideal, no one's saying that it is, but we always try to do what's best for our clients. The last thing we're
going to do is discharge you. We're very concerned about you, N . . .'

'You're going to send me up to the wards,' I said, 'cause that's how it sounded. But Tony said they weren't doing that neither,
they was keeping me right where I was.

'We'd hardly have made you a guide,' he said, 'if we were just about to get rid of you!' And when he put it like that, I seen
what he meant and I couldn't help smiling a bit.

Then he asked me again about the guiding and how I reckoned Poppy was fitting in, and I told him I thought she fit in alright
and
mostly
people was nice to her. And I didn't say who it was that weren't, but I seen him smile and I knew how he knew who I meant.
Then I told him about how the guiding gone, and how me and Poppy become good friends and I told him what she said as well,
how she would of gone mad if it wasn't for me, which I hoped didn't sound like boasting, but that's what she said.

I never told Tony how Poppy wanted to leave. Most probably I should of done, but I thought if I did, he'd think it was 'cause
of my guiding. And seeing as how Poppy was pleased with my guiding, that would of been dishonest. So what I done was I actually
told him how happy she was to be there. And I said a few other things as well; I can't remember exactly. How she had to
make out
how she wanted to leave, 'cause that was all part of her illness, but she'd been that worried about the assessments and how
they was going to kick her out; she'd gone in the toilets at lunch-time and slashed her arms up. And I said some other stuff
as well. Like I say I can't remember. And I felt a bit bad saying it, 'cause it weren't exactly the honest truth, but I reckoned
it was lesser of two evils.