Portal Wars 1: Gehenna Dawn (19 page)

“Don’t be afraid. We’ll have you out of here
soon.” Taylor hated himself even as he said it. “Just be calm.
Close your eyes and stay still.” He could hear Chandra’s breathing
become rough, unsteady. It won’t be long, now, he thought. He
watched the young soldier struggling for his last breaths, and the
grief welled up inside him. He wanted to cry for this boy, but he
couldn’t. His mechanical eyes didn’t produce tears. One more thing
they had taken from him.

Chandra’s chest heaved with one more deep
rattling breath, and then he was still, silent. Sanjay Chandra was
dead.

Taylor sat silently for a few moments,
turning away, unable to bring himself to look at the dead soldier
lying next to him. He knew nothing about Chandra…nothing at all,
really. But he realized he’d never forget him. The image of this
dead soldier would stay with him the rest of his life.

“Sir, are you OK?” The medical team trotted
around the outcropping, looking down at Taylor and Chandra.

Jake felt a wave of anger. Why, he thought,
why are you worried about me? But he pushed it back. It wasn’t the
medics’ fault.

“I’m fine, Sergeant.” He started to get up.
The medic closest to him moved to help, but Taylor waved him off.
“He’s dead.” Taylor was looking down at the still form of the boy
he’d been talking to a few minutes before. “Transponder was
damaged…and he forgot to administer his medkit.” Rookies, Taylor
thought sadly.

He turned and walked away slowly, without
another word.

From the Journal of Jake Taylor:

I met a girl here. I met her a long
time ago. I don’t know why I never wrote about her before. Maybe it
was too soon after I’d lost Beth. Or maybe I wanted to keep one
thing just for myself, not even to share with this journal. I don’t
know for sure.

Her name is Hope. I remember
laughing when she told me. It’s a pretty name, but I can’t think of
one less appropriate on Erastus. It’s no great romance story,
ours…there is no such thing here. The only women on the planet are
sex workers assigned to provide support services to the thousands
of men in the combat units. There are no female soldiers serving in
UNFE…not in any UN military force…nor are any UN administrators
I’ve ever encountered women. I haven’t even seen a woman outside
the brigade brothel in ten years.

The brothels are an integral part of
every military force structure serving on a Portal world. We fight
a war with no leaves, no trips home, no towns to visit for R&R.
Not even a box of cookies sent from mom. Desertion isn’t a
problem…there’s nowhere to go anyway, so why run? But mental
breakdowns are common. You can force a lazy man to work, even
compel a coward to fight. But when a man doesn’t care
anymore…really doesn’t care…then he is uncontrollable. Punishment
doesn’t work, threats don’t work. When a man loses it on Erastus,
UN Central’s investment in training and transport goes up in smoke.
The brothels provide a release, a stress reliever. The keep men on
the brink from falling into the abyss.

UN Command calls the whole thing
Sexual Support Services, or SSS. The program exists for a number of
reasons, and the brigade facilities are an integral component of
the military discipline system. Periodic visits to the SSS
compounds are a privilege, one that can be withdrawn for soldiers
or units that don’t perform as expected. For a lifetime soldier
with no prospect of going home, a few hours with a woman is the
only escape from a life of constant duty and bloodshed. It is part
of the delicate morale system that kept men with no hope in the
field and fighting.

I’ve sometimes wondered what the
women had done to be consigned to such fates. Were they criminals?
Political prisoners? Or just women blackmailed or conscripted, as I
was? As far as I can tell, they serve life terms, just as we do.
I’m not sure how that works over the long term. No one worries
about what to do with a 70 year old soldier, because none of us
live that long. Sooner or later, the god of battle comes for all of
us. But the women of SSS don’t have the attrition rate we do.
Certainly, some succumb at a young age, victims of a hostile
environment or virulent alien pathogens. But most can expect to
live something approaching a normal lifespan. What will happen to
them when they are too old to continue their function effectively?
I don’t know – the war on Erastus hasn’t been going on long enough
for that situation to arise. But I don’t like the things that come
to mind. Another dark secret, the kind of thing most people would
rather not know about.

My father served alongside women in
the old US Navy. Indeed, a woman had been the U.S. president when
he enlisted. He mentioned it incidentally when he was telling me
about his time in uniform. It was something I’ve never much
considered, not until recently. I didn’t really know anything about
military service, not before I ended up a soldier myself. And when
I found myself on Gehenna fighting the Machines, I just adapted to
the military establishment I’d become a part of.

Now it’s been ten years, and I’ve
started to think more about it… about a lot of things I’d given
cursory attention before. I know that some of the old military
establishments had been gender-integrated but, again, that was
pre-Consolidation history, and it wasn’t safe to go poking around
too much. Most serious information on the old nation-states was on
the quarantined list, and it was next to impossible to get anything
reliable. UN Central didn’t want people waxing poetic about their
ethnic and nationalistic histories…not while there was still living
memory of the time before the Consolidation. I thought I understood
that thinking once, and even approved. Eliminating anything that
threatened the peaceful unity of mankind seemed worthwhile, even if
it came at the cost of intellectual freedom. Now, I see other
perspectives. Darker ones.

I used to wonder why UN Central
didn’t recruit women, how the female gender had taken such a
massive step back in equality and opportunity. Then I realized. The
Consolidation had necessitated combining different cultures, each
with their own gender, racial, and religious traditions. In the
end, terrified by the prospect of the Machines invading, all of the
nations of Earth voluntarily surrendered their sovereignty to the
UN. The earliest nations to push for world unity had the greatest
impact on the coalescing multinational culture…and most of those
states were from the developing world, places where gender
inequalities were often deeply ingrained in the way of
life.

Back home things were different. My
mother, Beth…all the women I knew…they weren’t treated as
second-class citizens in any way I’d ever noticed. But New
Hampshire had been part of the old U.S., and from what I knew of
pre-Consolidation American culture, the genders had been more or
less equal in terms of rights and societal obligations. UN Central
didn’t interfere too much with local customs. They didn’t make a
big deal out of it…nothing that could turn into a rallying cry.
They didn’t talk about it at all; they just went ahead and did what
they wanted. Now that I thought about it, I’d never noticed a woman
in any significant government position. The Inquisitor who’d come
to our farm demanding the taxes…the recruiting agent who offered a
waiver of the debt in exchange for my enlistment. Our local UN
Admin…and every other one in the surrounding areas. All
men.

I remembered my father’s rants, his
constant complaints about UN Central and how much we had all lost
since he was younger. Now I wondered about those women he’d served
with, about what they felt they had lost. They had served their
country, bled for it – some had died for it - and their reward was
to see their daughters and grand-daughters barred from the same
freedoms and opportunities they had enjoyed. I saw my father’s
anger first hand, but now I wondered about those women. I couldn’t
imagine how they lived with the bitterness. It was a different hell
than mine, but perhaps one as painful in its own way.

Taylor was sitting on the edge of the bed,
leaning forward, holding his head in his hands. He hadn’t said a
word in over an hour. He used to look forward to his allotments at
the SSS facility, especially after he met Hope. She was pretty
enough, especially by Erastus standards…but it was more than that.
She had a tenderness, an empathy…a gentleness that was utterly at
odds with every other aspect of his life. He was drawn to her; she
made him feel whole again, at least for a little while. He felt a
longing to help her too, to give to her the same comfort she
provided him. Indeed, much of the solace he got from her came from
knowing that he was there for her as much as she was for him. It
made him feel normal, just for a few minutes. It might not be a
real relationship they shared, but it was close enough that they
could both pretend.

He enjoyed the sex, of course, but he also
looked forward to just seeing her, sitting and talking. Jake was
fortunate enough to have a close knit group of friends he could
talk to when he needed an ear, but there was something different
about spending time with a woman.

Troopers weren’t supposed to see the same
women all the time…UNFE Command didn’t want relationships
developing, just scheduled recreation. But as Taylor’s rank rose,
so did his influence…and he was able to insure that he only saw
Hope.

Now he sat with his back toward her. It had
been five years since his mods had been installed, but he was still
self-conscious about it. He’d avoided using his SSS allotments for
months after the surgeries were complete. He made one excuse after
another but, finally, he was ordered outright to go. SSS services
weren’t optional in UNFE. They were a crucial part of the morale
and mental health program designed to keep the army in the field at
top fighting efficiency.

When he finally saw her for the first time
after the surgery, she acted like everything was normal, even
though it was the first time in almost a year that she’d seen him.
She tried not to stare, but it was hard to ignore the metallic
fittings protruding from his shoulders and his hips. He was still
getting used to his increased strength, and when she finally coaxed
him into bed, she came out of the encounter bruised from head to
toe, a long, bloody scratch on her leg from the rough metal of one
of his exo interfaces.

When he saw what he had done to her, he was
horrified. It was months before he touched her again. He kept every
appointment as ordered. But he wouldn’t go near her, wouldn’t risk
hurting her again. It was at least another year before their
encounters reached something like normalcy.

“Jake, are you OK? You’ve been so quiet.” Her
voice was soft, gentle. Life had dealt her a fate as bitter as his,
but she never seemed angry or resentful because of it.

Jake had kept himself from sliding down that
slope for a long time too, but now his grip was failing. The anger,
the bitterness…they were starting to win, starting to take control.
Maybe if they hadn’t made him into a cyborg, he thought…perhaps
then he could have maintained a few shreds of the faith that kept
men – and women – going on Erastus. But they weren’t happy just
taking his home and family and the only life he’d known…now they
had come back for his humanity. Now, Jake believed, he truly was
good only for war.

He was silent for a few more seconds before
he turned to face her. “Oh…sorry.” He tried to hold back a sigh.
“No, nothing’s wrong. I’m just thinking.” He forced a smile for
her, though he couldn’t imagine it was very convincing.

“You don’t expect me to believe that, do
you?” She reached out and gently ran her hand down his back. He
flinched at her first touch, but then he settled down. “You’re so
tense. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

He did want to talk…at least he didn’t want
to shut her out. But he didn’t know what to say…how to put it into
words. Even if he managed to explain…he didn’t want to burden her,
or bring her down with him. He’d been troubled lately, more than
usual. And it was getting worse.

She slid across the bed, putting her arms
around him from behind, pulling him closer. She rested her face on
his shoulder, expertly avoiding the metal fittings protruding from
his skin.

He closed his eyes, just for a few seconds.
The feeling of her soft skin against his relaxed him, but only for
an instant. He was too distracted, too consumed by thought for
anything more.

“Jake, what is it?” She kissed him softly on
the neck.

He felt an urge to pull away from her, but he
resisted. That would only be hurtful to her…and that was the last
thing he wanted. He didn’t intend to talk about it, to unload on
her…but then it just started to come out.

“I saw a kid die.” He paused. “It was during
the battle we just fought.” He laughed derisively. “I don’t suppose
that should be a big deal. I’ve lost count of how many rookies I’ve
seen butchered in ten years on this shithole planet.”

He turned toward her, keeping his head at an
angle, trying to hide his mechanical eyes from her misty green
ones. She took his face in her hand and turned, forcing him to look
at her. It was his eyes, she had long ago realized…that was what he
was most self-conscious about.

“Was there something special about this one?”
She didn’t like the sound of that when she heard herself say it,
and she immediately restated it. “I mean anything beyond the
ordinary about the incident?” Her voice was warm, sympathetic.

Taylor was silent for a few seconds. He
subconsciously tried to turn his eyes away again, but her hand
gripped his face, stroking his cheek gently and turning him back to
face her.