Posh and Prejudice (11 page)

Then Sean said, “Hang on, that’s a nice picture, Shiz, just you and Josh together?” and we both wrapped our arms round each
other’s waists and pretended to cuddle which was just a joke but it felt amazing and I KNOW I should have been thinking, “What
would my Wesley say if he saw me pretend-cuddling?” But the fact is I wasn’t thinking about my Wesley. He wasn’t in my mind
at all.

So we went to see
King Lear
performed by folks from the Royal Shakespeare Company and it was TOTALLY BRILLIANT, ’cos fair enough, it’s one thing reading
it out in class, but when you see all these people really being Cordelia and Goneril and King Lear then it proper brings it
to life and you get well caught up in it. And when King Lear was cast out into the storm I could feel myself starting to cry
’cos I started thinking about Nan and how awful it would be if we all turned on her and made her homeless and by the time
the play was over—THREE HOURS LATER—I was properly buzzing. And by this point it was 10 o’clock and Ms. Bracket started to
“seriously recommend” that we all got the tube home which was her trying to force us but she didn’t have no power to and the
thing was Joshua had sorted out free guest list passes at this club called Forever Friends off Trafalgar Square. So Carrie
says, “Oh come on, Shiz, we can get a night bus home! It’ll be good!” and I should have said no but I didn’t, I said yes ’cos
I knew Josh wanted me to go ’cos he kept looking at me proper intense. Well anyway, Forever Friends was bloody amazing and
it was packed out and the DJ was playing bits of hip-hop and bits of random silly party stuff and ’70s disco and I don’t know
what quite happened in there but I think I lost a bit of my mind ’cos suddenly we were all dancing up on the stage, me and
Saf and Sean and Josh and Uma and Carrie and we were so happy and we were laughing and hugging each other and talking total
nonsense about life and how much we all loved each other and how we’d all be friends forever just like the club was called
Forever Friends and at one point I was dancing with Josh and he was holding me round the waist and looking right in my eyes
and suddenly I realized I just wanted to snog him, no, SNOG HIS FACE OFF, but I didn’t ’cos I knew that was well wrong.

But then the club lights went on and we all got turfed out and everyone in the club spilled out into the streets and everybody
was on a proper Christmas high and everyone started flooding into Trafalgar Square and we all followed, then people started
getting into the fountains and splashing about and me and Josh climbed up on one of the bases of the sculpted lions and we
sat together and watched Carrie and Saf and Sean running about in the fountains. Then Josh got hold of my hand suddenly and
kissed it and he said, “So can I have my Christmas snog?” and I was so carried away with the moment that I snogged him and
it felt totally bloody amazing and squelchy and hot and just gagggggggggggh! (And that ain’t even a word!!!) And the second
he stopped snogging me I suddenly remembered Wesley Barrington Bains II and I felt bad.

“What’s up?” Josh said.

“I’ve got a boyfriend,” I said. “I shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Oh c’mon, Shiraz,” said Josh. “I’ve been after you for ages. You feel the same.”

“No. I don’t. It’s not like that,” I said, but I sounded proper confused. “I don’t know what to do!”

“Well, I know what you’ve gotta do,” he said. “You’ve got to bin that Wesley guy and be with me. I want you.” Then he kissed
me again, for longer that time.

Then we rounded everyone up and we all got the night bus home together and I came straight in the house and got straight into
this bed and started worrying and so far Jesus Christ Our Savior has come up with no guidance whatsoever.

Maybe it’s because I am GOING TO HELL.

This has been the hardest four days of my whole life EVER. So much for Jesus Christ Our Savior. I suppose some messes you’ve
just got to sort out on your own. I am TRYING MY BEST to ignore Joshua but he texts me every day. Proper naughty texts that
I have to DELETE right away. About stuff he’d like to do with me. Stuff I’ve never done before and wasn’t planning on doing
for a while yet. It is driving me mental. I was in a right state getting everyone’s Christmas pressies today. I’ve left it
far too late.

My nan has ended up with some extra-strong denture fix glue and my brother got a calendar called “Naughty Babes” which I’ve
now looked through properly and realize is not suitable for a fifteen-year-old at all ’cos by April the “babes” have totally
given up wearing knickers or even sitting upright with their knees shut altogether. I got Wesley some antifreeze and a new
ice-scraper. I’m just too busy these days for Christmas pressies. I hope they all understand.

10
PM
—I don’t know if what happened today really happened. I’m a bit confused. I’m going to write it all down and see if it makes
more sense.

So today was Christmas Day which is always one of the best days of the whole year in our house ’cos we sort of do the same
stuff every single year like a little pattern. We pull Christmas crackers and we open a tin of Quality Street chocolates and
me and Cava-Sue argue over the green triangles and we all get a bit tipsy on Bucks Fizz and we eat a massive meal of turkey
and vegetables that makes you feel proper farty.

Nan comes round and she always gets new Christmas fluffy slippers and she always falls asleep after dinner with her gob open
and we always make jokes about her looking like the Dartford Tunnel. About twenty minutes after Christmas dinner finishes
Mum starts clattering about in the kitchen then produces an extra large lattice-top pork pie and two hundred ham sandwiches
and a bread pudding then gets the hump when no one will “pull their weight” and eat any.

We always wear stupid paper hats all day and Dad always tries to claim he saw Santa when he was up at 5
AM
cooking the turkey and Mum always wears a smart outfit all day and lipstick that gradually slides down her face. And at night
we sit down and watch a movie on BBC1 but everyone always talks all the way through it and the phone keeps ringing with mad
relatives who only call up once a year to say Happy Christmas and my mum talks to them all using her posh phone voice and
we all giggle and eat After Eight mints and feel happy but a bit sick.

This year was totally the same as always, but different too.

For a start Nan brought Clement with her, who was in a proper happy mood and he turned up in a Santa hat with a big bottle
of rum. So right away Dad and Clement started having a “wee nip just to test its consistency” and being proper silly and not
concentrating on the brussels sprouts which was their job.

Everyone—Cava-Sue, Lewis, Mum, Murphy, Nan, they were laughing and joking and I thought I was too but I can’t have been ’cos
folks kept asking me “What’s wrong with your mush?” and telling me, “Cheer up, it might never happen!” When of course I wanted
to shout “IT HAS HAPPENED! I’VE CHEATED ON WESLEY BARRINGTON BAINS II WITH JOSHUA FALLOW AND I THINK I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE!!!”

Eventually Wesley turned up wearing his new navy Ralph Lauren Christmas sweatshirt from his mum. He was holding a big box
which was all fancy-wrapped like Sonia Cathcart had been at it giving it the full yee-hah with some glitter and tinsel bows.
The moment Wesley stepped in the house everyone cheered then started making funny comments about the big fancy present he
was holding saying, “’Ere, Wesley, don’t get too excited about your gift from Shiraz! ’Cos we’ve all had ours. Flipping heck!
No expense spared, mate!”

And this was when I started to realize I’d PROPER MESSED UP with Wesley’s present. ’Cos Wesley loves Christmas and Wesley
loves giving presents and here he is with a big sparkly box of something amazing and here’s me with a can of antifreeze. And
now I see that in no way is this going to be funny, like it was when Cava-Sue opened her Swiss Army Knife.

I thought we could do with some privacy so we went to my room. Wesley sat on the bed and looked at me and it was horrible
’cos it was like he KNEW about Josh but he couldn’t have, it was just me being paranoid. Then he passed me his present which
I unwrapped, and it was something proper amazing. It was this well expensive desk lamp called an “anglepoise” like proper
writers have. It was from that posh shop that Carrie always goes on about called Habitat.

“Do you like it?” Wesley said.

“I love it,” I said, feeling even more terrible now. “When did you get it?!”

“Oh, I drove to London for it last week when you were at Mr. Yolk,” he said.

“You went all the way to London?!” I said.

“Yeah.” He smiled. “Proper nightmare that place is. Well smelly.”

It was when I gave him the antifreeze that things started going properly tits up. Wesley started saying having no time is
no excuse at Christmas ’cos everyone is busy. How I never have no time for him anymore. How ever since I started Sixth Form
it’s like I’m a different person and he don’t know if he can put up with the new me.

So I said, “Oh bloody BUGGER OFF then, Wesley. ’Cos this is me now and I’m going to keep on being me and I AIN’T BLOODY CHANGING!”

Wesley picked up his antifreeze and his new scraper and his car keys and said, “Well, that’s that then, Shiraz, innit. See
ya around.” Then he gave me a kiss on the forehead and walked down the stairs, out the door, and drove off.

I sat on the edge of my bed for a bit and felt well upset and sick and relieved all at the same time. Then I went downstairs
into the kitchen where Nan and Clement were dancing together by the sink to a song by Shakin’ Stevens on Radio Essex. They
had their hands around each other’s waists, looking into each other’s eyes like they were a bit in love with each other. When
I walked in they both stopped.

So, reading this through all again from the top, it seems that me and Wesley Barrington Bains II are over. And my Nan is getting
it on with Clement.

That Jesus Christ is quite obviously celebrating his birthday by having a right old giggle at my expense.

Latanoyatiqua Marshall-Dinsdale was born today at 4
AM
. She was 7lb. 2oz. Kezia had her at home in her mum’s living room with Kezia’s mum and sisters all helping out and holding
her ankles. Kezia says it was proper painful. Like going to the loo, then realizing you had to try and push out a big watermelon
one millimeter at a time but for nine whole hours.

Kezia’s baby is well nice though. She’s a lovely, brown, plump lump with long eyelashes. Me and Carrie and Uma went round
to see her tonight. Carrie was too scared to hold her but I wasn’t. I tucked her into my chest and for some reason my stomach
went all funny and I wanted to cry.

I told Kezia that me and Wesley had split up. Kezia says that I’m better off without a bloke, ’cos they all let you down in
the end just like her Luther did. Carrie says to Kezia that I’ve no place to moan ’cos I’ll soon be upgrading Wesley for “something
a lot better.” I know she means Joshua Fallow.

Carrie is hassling me and Uma to go to Joshua’s New Year’s Eve party at his house next week but I’m not too sure. You should
see some of the texts he’s been sending me. Proper rude they are. It’s all he ever thinks about. Not that I don’t think about
rude things too sometimes. Saying that, Kezia’s story about the watermelon has put me off a bit. Nothing’s worth that trouble.

Sat 27 Dec 5:06

FROM: JOSHUA

HI SHIZ—PRTY AT MINE

ON NEW YRS EVE.

U R COMIN ARENT U?

JUST SAY YES.

I’LL MAKE IT

WORTH YOUR WHILE.

LET’S START

NEW YEAR WITH A

BANG. ADDRESS: 37

VERENCE ROAD. 9PM.

XXXXXX:OXXXXXXXXX

Sat 27 Dec 5:46

FROM: SHIRAZ

HI JOSH—NT SURE

BOUT PARTY. HEAD

BIT MIXED UP NOW.

MAY JUST HAVE A

QUIET ONE. CHEERS

FOR INVITE. SHIZZA

Sat 27 Dec 8:07

FROM: JOSHUA

SHUT UP AND GET YOUR

FINE BOOTY OVER TO MY

HOUSE N.Y.E. OR ELSE.

WANT TO SEE

YOUR EYES AND YOUR

SMILE AND YOUR NICE

BIG PAIR OF…

Sat 27 Dec 8:09

FROM: JOSHUA

… HOOP EARRINGS!

(SOZ FOR DELAY, GOT

DISTRACTED THINKING

BOUT THAT SNOG WE HAD.)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Sat 27 Dec 9:19

FROM: SHIRAZ

STOP IT! STOP BENDING

MY HEAD. YOU ARE A

PROPER LIBERTY

JOSHUA EZRA FALLOW!

GET OUT OF MY BRAIN.

Sat 27 Dec 10:15

FROM: JOSHUA

HA, GOT YOU

THINKING THO.

SO YOU’LL COME

TO THE PARTY? IT’LL

BE GOOD. I PROMISE.

JUST COME. X

Sat 27 Dec 11:12

FROM: JOSHUA

SHIRAZ BAILEY WOOD!

R U THERE???

R U COMING????

Sat 27 Dec 11:45

FROM: SHIRAZ