Practical Demonkeeping (5 page)

Virgil Long backed out from under the hood of the Impala, wiped his hands on his coveralls, and scratched at his four-day growth of beard. He reminded Travis of a fat weasel with the mange.

“So you're thinking it's the radiator?” Virgil asked.

“It's the radiator,” Travis said.

“It might be the whole engine is gone. You were running pretty quiet when you drove in. Not a good sign. Do you have a charge card?”

Virgil was unprecedented in his inability to diagnose specific engine problems. When he was dealing with tourists, his strategy was usually to start replacing things and keep replacing them until he solved the problem or reached the limit on the customer's credit card, whichever came first.

“It wasn't running at all when I came in,” Travis protested. “And I don't have a credit card. It's the radiator, I promise.”

“Now, son,” Virgil drawled, “I know you think you know what you're talking about, but I got a certificate from the Ford factory
there on the wall that says I'm a master mechanic.” Virgil pointed a fat finger toward the service station's office. One wall was covered with framed certificates along with a poster of a nude woman sitting on the hood of a Corvette buffing her private parts with a scarf in order to sell motor oil. Virgil had purchased the Master Mechanic certificates from an outfit in New Hampshire: two for five dollars, six for ten dollars, fifteen for twenty. He had gone for the twenty-dollar package. Those who took the time to read the certificates were somewhat surprised to find out that Pine Cove's only service station and car wash had its own factory-certified snowmobile mechanic. It had never snowed in Pine Cove.

“This is a Chevy,” Travis said.

“Got a certificate for those, too. You probably need new rings. The radiator's just a symptom, like these broken headlights. You treat the symptom, the disease just gets worse.” Virgil had heard that on a doctor show once and liked the sound of it.

“What will it cost to just fix the radiator?”

Virgil stared deep into the grease spots on the garage floor, as if by reading their patterns and by some mystic mode of divination, petrolmancy perhaps, he would arrive at a price that would not alienate the dark young man but would still assure him an exorbitant hourly rate for his labor.

“Hundred bucks.” It had a nice round ring to it.

“Fine,” Travis said, “Fix it. When can I have it back?”

Virgil consulted the grease spots again, then emerged with a good-ol'-boy smile. “How's noon sound?”

“Fine,” Travis said. “Is there a pool hall around here—and someplace I can get some breakfast?”

“No pool hall. The Head of the Slug is open down the street. They got a couple of tables.”

“And breakfast?”

“Only thing open this end of town is H.P.'s, a block off Cypress, down from the Slug. But it's a local's joint.”

“Is there a problem getting served?”

“No. The menu might throw you for a bit. It—well, you'll see.”

Travis thanked the mechanic and started off in the direction of H.P.'s, the demon skulking along behind him. As they passed the
self-serve car-wash stalls, Travis noticed a tall man of about thirty unloading plastic laundry baskets full of dirty dishes from the bed of an old Ford pickup. He seemed to be having trouble getting quarters to go into the coin box.

Looking at him, Travis said: “You know, Catch, I'll bet there's a lot of incest in this town.”

“Probably the only entertainment,” the demon agreed.

The man in the car wash had activated the high-pressure nozzle and was sweeping it back and forth across the baskets of dishes. With each sweep he repeated, “Nobody lives like this. Nobody.”

Some of the overspray caught on the wind and settled over Travis and Catch. For a moment the demon became visible in the spray. “I'm melt-ing,” Catch whined in perfect Wicked Witch of the West pitch.

“Let's go,” Travis said, moving quickly to avoid more spray. “We need a hundred bucks before noon.”

JENNY

In the two hours since Jenny Masterson had arrived at the cafe she had managed to drop a tray full of glasses, mix up the orders on three tables, fill the saltshakers with sugar and the sugar dispensers with salt, and pour hot coffee on the hands of two customers who had covered their cups to indicate that they'd had enough—a patently stupid gesture on their part, she thought. The worst of it was not that she normally performed her duties flawlessly, which she did. The worst of it was that everyone was so damned understanding about it.

“You're going through a rough time, honey, it's okay.”

“Divorce is always hard.”

Their consolations ranged from “too bad you couldn't work it out” to “he was a worthless drunk anyway, you're better off without him.”

She'd been separated from Robert exactly four days and everybody in Pine Cove knew about it. And they couldn't just let it lie. Why didn't they let her go through the process without
running this cloying gauntlet of sympathy? It was as if she had a big red
D
sewed to her clothing, a signal to the townsfolk to close around her like a hungry amoeba.

When the second tray of glasses hit the floor, she stood amid the shards trying to catch her breath and could not. She had to do something—scream, cry, pass out—but she just stood there, paralyzed, while the busboy cleaned up the glass.

Two bony hands closed on her shoulders. She heard a voice in her ear that seemed to come from very far away. “You are having an anxiety attack, dear. It shall pass. Relax and breathe deeply.” She felt the hands gently leading her through the kitchen door to the office in the back.

“Sit down and put your head between your knees.” She let herself be guided into a chair. Her mind went white, and her breath caught in her throat. A bony hand rubbed her back.

“Breathe, Jennifer. I'll not have you shuffling off this mortal coil in the middle of the breakfast shift.”

In a moment her head cleared and she looked up to see Howard Phillips, the owner of H.P.'s, standing over her.

He was a tall, skeletal man, who always wore a black suit and button shoes that had been fashionable a hundred years ago. Except for the dark depressions on his cheeks, Howard's skin was as white as a carrion worm. Robert had once said that H.P. looked like the master of ceremonies at a chemotherapy funfest.

Howard had been born and raised in Maine, yet when he spoke, he affected the accent of an erudite Londoner. “The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear. It is not, however, appropriate to pay fearful obeisance to that beast by cowering in the ruins of my stemware while you have orders up.”

“I'm sorry, Howard. Robert called this morning. He sounded so helpless, pathetic.”

“A tragedy, to be sure. Yet as we sit, ensconced in our grief, two perfectly healthy daily specials languish under the heat lamps metamorphosing into gelatinous invitations to botulism.”

Jenny was relieved that in his own, cryptically charming way, Howard was not giving her sympathy but telling her to get off her ass and live her life. “I think I'm okay now. Thanks, Howard.”
Jenny stood and wiped her eyes with a paper napkin she took from her apron. Then she went off to deliver her orders. Howard, having exhausted his compassion for the day, closed the door of his office and began working on the books.

When Jenny returned to the floor, she found that the restaurant had cleared except for a few regular customers and a dark young man she didn't recognize, who was standing by the
PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED
sign. At least he wouldn't ask about Robert, thank God. It was a welcome relief.

Not many tourists found H.P.'s. It was tucked in a tree-lined cul-de-sac off Cypress Street in a remodeled Victorian bungalow. The sign outside, small and tasteful, simply read,
CAFE
. Howard did not believe in advertising, and though he was an Anglophile at heart—loving all things British and feeling that they were somehow superior to their American counterparts—his restaurant displayed none of the ersatz British decor that might draw in the tourists. The cafe served simple food at fair prices. If the menu exhibited Howard Phillips's eccentricity in style, it did not discourage the locals from eating at his place. Next to Brine's Bait, Tackle, and Fine Wines, H.P.'s Cafe had the most loyal clientele in Pine Cove.

“Smoking or nonsmoking?” Jenny asked the young man. He was very good-looking, but Jenny noticed this only in passing. She was conditioned by years of monogamy not to dwell on such things.

“Nonsmoking,” he said.

Jenny led him to a table in the back. Before he sat down, he pulled out the chair across from him, as if he were going to put his feet up.

“Will someone be joining you?” Jenny asked, handing him a menu. He looked up at her as if he were seeing her for the first time. He stared into her eyes without saying a word.

Embarrassed, Jenny looked down. “Today's special is Eggs-Sothoth—a fiendishly toothsome amalgamation of scrumptious ingredients so delicious that the mere description of the palatable gestalt could drive one mad,” she said.

“You're joking?”

“No. The owner insists that we memorize the daily specials verbatim.”

The dark man kept staring at her. “What does all that mean?” he asked.

“Scrambled eggs with ham and cheese and a side of toast.”

“Why didn't you just say that?”

“The owner is a little eccentric. He believes that his daily specials may be the only thing keeping the Old Ones at bay.”

“The Old Ones?”

Jenny sighed. The nice thing about regular customers is she didn't have to keep explaining Howard's weird menu to them. This guy was obviously from out of town. But why did he have to keep staring at her like that?

“It's his religion or something. He believes that the world was once populated by another race. He calls them the Old Ones. For some reason they were banished from Earth, but he believes that they are trying to return and take over.”

“You're joking?”

“Stop saying that. I'm not joking.”

“I'm sorry.” He looked at the menu. “Okay, give me an Eggs-Sothoth with a side order of The Spuds of Madness.”

“Would you like coffee?”

“That would be great.”

Jenny wrote out the ticket and turned to put the order in at the kitchen window.

“Excuse me,” the man said.

Jenny turned in midstep. “Yes?”

“You have incredible eyes.”

“Thanks.” She felt herself blush as she headed off to get his coffee. She wasn't ready for this. She needed some sort of break between being married and being divorced. Divorce leave? They had pregnancy leave, didn't they?

When she returned with his coffee, she looked at him for the first time as a single woman might. He was handsome, in a sharp, dark sort of way. He looked younger than she was, twenty-three, maybe twenty-four. She was studying his clothes and trying to get a feel for what he did for a living when she ran into the chair he had
pushed out from the table and spilled most of the coffee into the saucer.

“God, I'm sorry.”

“It's okay,” he said. “Are you having a bad day?”

“Getting worse by the minute. I'll get you another cup.”

“No,” he raised a hand in protest. “Its fine.” He took the cup and saucer from her, separated them, and poured the coffee back into the cup. “See, good as new. I don't want to add to your bad day.”

He was staring again.

“No, you're fine. I mean, I'm fine. Thanks.” She felt like a geek. She cursed Robert for causing all this. If he hadn't…No, it wasn't Robert's fault. She'd made the decision to end the marriage.

“I'm Travis.” The man extended his hand. She took it, tentatively.

“Jennifer—” She was about to tell him that she was married and that he was nice and all. “I'm not married,” she said. She immediately wanted to disappear into the kitchen and never come back.

“Me either,” Travis said. “I'm new in town.” He didn't seem to notice how awkward she was. “Look, Jennifer, I'm looking for an address and I wonder if you could tell me how to find it? Do you know how to get to Cheshire Street?”

Jenny was relieved to be talking about anything but herself. She rattled off a series of streets and turns, landmarks and signs, that would lead Travis to Cheshire Street. When she finished, he just looked at her quizzically.

“I'll draw you a map,” she said. She took a pen from her apron, bent over the table, and began drawing on a napkin.

Their faces were inches apart. “You're very beautiful,” he said.

She looked at him. She didn't know whether to smile or scream.
Not yet
, she thought.
I'm not ready
.

He didn't wait for her to respond. “You remind me of someone I used to know.”

“Thank you…” She tried to remember his name. “…Travis.”

“Have dinner with me tonight?”

She searched for an excuse. None came. She couldn't use the one she had used for a decade—it wasn't true anymore. And she
hadn't been alone long enough to brush up on some new lies. In fact, she felt that she was somehow being unfaithful to Robert just by talking to this guy. But she
was
a single woman. Finally she wrote her phone number under the map on the napkin and handed it to him.

“My number's on the bottom. Why don't you call me tonight, around five, and we'll take it from there, okay?”

Travis folded the napkin and put it in his shirt pocket. “Until tonight,” he said.

“Oh, spare me!” a gravely voice said. Jenny turned toward the voice, but there was only the empty chair.

To Travis she said, “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?” Travis glared at the empty chair.

“Nothing,” Jenny said, “I'm starting to go over the edge, I think.”