Prayers for the Dying (Pam of Babylon Book Four) (14 page)

Paul was shaking with anger. “Does he come here every afternoon?”

“It’s none of your business, Paul. You were very rude,” Ashton admonished. “This is my apartment and I didn’t expect you today. You should have called.”

But Paul looked at him with surprise. “You are kidding, right? We have been together for a week! What was it to you? Play time? Didn’t it mean anything?” Paul’s voice was getting shrill, and he started sputtering and crying. “I thought we had something special! You said you loved me!”

Ashton was worried he would start screaming, so he tried to be gentle with him. “Would you like some water? Here, have a seat,” Ashton said, leading him over to the chair he’d just vacated. The smell of sex lingered in the air and Ashton was hoping it would go unnoticed. He left to go to the kitchen and when he came back, Paul was standing by the door with his overnight bag in his hand, disgust on his face.
He must have recognized the odor
.
Oops.

“I’m leaving. Go fuck yourself, Ashton.” With that, he turned and left the apartment.

Ashton went after him to the elevator. “My key, please,” he said. Paul reached into his pocket, got the key, and threw it at him.

“Suck my dick!” he yelled. Ashton picked the key up off the floor and rushed toward his apartment door. Fortunately, the elevator came quickly and was empty. Ashton watched from the safety of his apartment through the peephole as Paul got on the elevator, crying his heart out. Ashton felt badly because Paul was a really nice guy and they were good together, but not as good as Jack. No one would ever measure up to Jack. Paul would be the last man Ashton picked up and brought home for a while. He’d have one-night stands and finally, stopped even that much interaction. It just wasn’t worth the risk of angering Jack.

.

17

S
andra spent the rest of the weekend aiming to see the good in Tom. They had fun on Sunday; Tom took her to his father John’s cottage on the water in Bayside. His stepmother, Gwen, was a charming woman, twenty years John’s senior. She and Sandra hit it off from the start. The two couples went to a flea market and then lunch; it would be the first of many outings together. Gwen was interested in Sandra, curious about the woman who had corralled her particular stepson when so many others had tried and failed. Sandra had expected an interrogation but Gwen gave an exposé.

“I don’t know what you did, but I can see Tom is head over heels. Well, that’s not true, I can see by
looking
at you why he would be attracted. He’s almost fanatical about women, did you know that? John told me that he’s never had a serious girlfriend because no one could ever measure up to his expectations,” Gwen said, shaking her head. “How can that be in this day and age of permissiveness?”

Sandra blanched; what would Gwen think if she knew the truth about their introduction and the subsequent experiences the couple already shared? She felt sick. Here, she’d judged him for being provincial when he was forward enough in this thinking to embrace her in all of her perversity.
Why would a guy who was “almost fanatical” even give me a second look?

“Well, I’m glad he would give me a second look,” Sandra said. Unless Tom thought it was necessary, her HIV-positive status wouldn’t be revealed at this family gathering. “He’s really a wonderful guy!” Embarrassed at how weak it sounded, Sandra hoped the fact that she was living with him already was enough indication of her feelings for Tom.

“Have you met the rest of the family yet?” Gwen asked. When Sandra shook her head no, Gwen gave her a little smirk. “Well, you didn’t hear it from me, but
don’t
let them know you met John and me. The girls can’t stand me and have cut John out of their lives. It’s sad, actually.”

“Tom didn’t think they would mind me, or at least the idea of me. He said they weren’t possessive,” Sandra said.

Gwen seemed surprised. “I don’t want to worry you because there is nothing you could do to change their opinions anyway. Just be yourself. Of course, they will be jealous of you because you are beautiful. Unfortunately, both girls look like their mother—a sort of gnomelike creature,” Gwen confided in a whisper.

Sandra was taken aback but tried not to be judgmental. Evidently, Tom looked like his dad. “It must have been difficult coming into the family,” Sandra replied, hoping she sounded compassionate enough.

“Did Tom tell you the story?” Gwen asked, seeming hopeful that Sandra would say no.

“Just that his parents are divorced, and he thinks you’re wonderful,” Sandra told her. The little prompting gave Gwen the opening she needed to launch into full disclosure.

“They were married for twenty-five years before he found the courage to leave. Did you know John’s an alcoholic?” she asked, but didn’t wait for Sandra’s response, which would have been no. “They’d stayed together for the kids’ sake, and when Tommy, who’s the youngest, turned twenty-one, John left. The girls love to tell everyone I broke the marriage up, but it’s a lie. We didn’t even meet until the next year. He’s a retired NYC cop, did you know that? I don’t think I would have survived with him if he was still working. He walked a beat for all those years, riding the subway. Tommy’s lucky he made detective so young, just in time to save his knees. Anyway, John was assigned to the park during a summer fitness expo and I was teaching a class for Crunch. The rest is history. He likes telling people that he had to chase me, but that’s not true. I fell in love with him the first time we talked. I have a thing about uniforms…and he said he had a thing for athletes!” she exclaimed, laughing. “I saw admiration in his eyes. Later, I discovered that he tried all those years to involve his wife in things they could share and she wouldn’t have any of it. We golf, hike, bicycle, you name it. You do any sports? You’re in such good shape, you must work out, at least,” Gwen said.

Sandra shook her head, trying to hide the horror she felt at the prospect of spending time on the golf course or in hiking boots with Tom’s family. Tom had never said a thing to her about doing any of those activities. Walking to the park was the extent of their physical activity. Maybe socializing with the gnomes would be easier.

“Well, don’t worry. I can see by your expression you aren’t interested!” Gwen said, laughing again.

“I have an extensive wardrobe of spandex that I wear to clean house in. That’s the extent of my exercise routine. Tom and I walk a lot, though, if that counts,” Sandra answered, thinking that since she lost the baby, she’d taken to walking long distances when the sadness became too much for her. She put those thoughts away.

“I have an obsessive personality about it,” Gwen admitted. Sandra thought of Pam and her daily, sometimes twice daily trips to the gym. “It grounds me. If I start to worry about something, there’s nothing like a good run to clear the mind.”

Sandra wondered if any of those “worries” would be shared, and was relieved when the men caught up with them. Tom was holding a bag with something that looked like a sword sticking out of the top.

“My son is pack rat, Sandra,” John warned.

“Where does he keep it?” she asked.

“In my mother’s basement,” Tom answered. “Weapons. Hundreds of them.”

Sandra thought,
Ugh, guns. I hate violence and I end up with a cop who collects instruments of murder.

“Well, whatever makes you happy. I guess. I sort of collect books,” Sandra said, thinking how dull it sounded.
I really am a dud.

“She runs a successful demographic company! Don’t let her fool you with putting herself down,” Tom exclaimed, coming around to put his arm across her shoulder in a possessive stance. They started laughing.

“Well, whatever,” Sandra said, embarrassed. Tom was certainly sending her mixed messages. Either he was proud of her or threatened by her. Which was it? She could see that perhaps she was being hasty; they were both young and immature. Maybe she’d better speak to him tonight, rather than guessing what she should do to make him feel more secure. The simplicity of it surprised her.
Am I stupid? Would I second-guess him and make another big mistake?

The couples parted; John Adams hugging Sandra and telling her how happy he was that his son found someone so nice, and Gwen chiming in with the promise to call her later. Was Gwen going to be her new best friend? Sandra was confirming the wisdom of having no family. She hadn’t talked to her own sister in over six months. There were moments when she definitely felt the absence of an intimate friend. But the criticism she knew would have been forthcoming if Sylvia knew the truth and how her life was evolving would be unbearable.

The car was quiet on the trip back to Williamsburg. Tom looked over at Sandra; her head back against the headrest, her eyes closed. Her eyelids were translucent, cheek, jaw, and collar bones prominent. He felt a rush of tenderness and concern for her. Reaching over to place his hand over hers, he thought of some of the things that had bothered him lately and how ridiculous and unimportant they were. He couldn’t seem to shake the jealousy he felt toward a dead man. Some guy who was twice as old and a leech. He didn’t have any control over Sandra’s memories, but why would he doubt her commitment to him when Jack was dead? He had to do some soul-searching; he sensed she was holding back some feeling from him because of his reaction to her job, which was consistently unsupportive. She no longer shared her day-to-day experiences with him. Shamed, he was determined to overcome the resistance he felt when confronted with her job. He’d even surprised himself today when he praised her in front of his father. He
was
proud of her. Even though her business was acquired in a sort of clandestine way, Jack wouldn’t have left it to her if he thought she couldn’t be trusted to make a success of it; it would continue to support his family and he wouldn’t risk that, would he? Tom decided he would be honest with Sandra and try to make amends. If she wanted to remain there as a partner, he would support her in it.

When the car came to a stop in front of his apartment Sandra opened her eyes.

“Wow, that was intense! I hope I didn’t snore,” she said stretching her arms above her head. “How long was I sleeping?”

“Not long, about twenty minutes. Listen, can we talk for a second? I want to say this while it’s fresh in my mind,” Tom said. Sandra nodded her head, curious. “I feel bad about the way I have acted, about being jealous of your job and giving you a hard time about Pam. I’m sorry that I was sharp with you the other night about being sad about the baby. That was really fucked-up of me. I won’t make any excuses for myself. Forgive me?”

Sandra looked at his eyes, at the way he was looking at her with compassion and regret combined, and was happy that she was taking her time with this relationship. They were both so young; what did either one of them know about being committed? About compromise and tolerance? Not much. She’d be as patient with him as she had to be. If what Gwen said was true, and Tom was a fanatic about the woman he would be with, she should be honored. She decided to tell him.

“I’m honored that you want me,” she said. “I’m honored that you allow me to share your life. I wish things could have been different, that we had known each other a few months sooner, and that none of the bad stuff had happened. But since it did and you still will have me, I am honored. I want to make you happy.” She leaned over and met him in the middle; they held each other and kissed. Finally Sandra fell back against the seat laughing. “Well, one of the best things about us is your kiss! Oh my God! I love it.”

Tom was embarrassed, but he smiled at her. “Let’s go inside,” he said, grinning a devious grin. “There are other good things about us and I want to have some of it now.”

.

18

J
eff Babcock lived down the beach from Pam and Jack Smith for fifteen years, but it wasn’t until Jack died and Jeff briefly dated Marie Fabian that he and Pam became good friends. He was more than a confidant of hers; she assumed that role for him, as well. Days before Thanksgiving, he was crossing the sand in the worst wind storm Long Island had had in over ten years to make sure his friend was okay. Her phone had gone unanswered for the past three hours. He went around to the front of the house and through her garage as was their agreement, and when she didn’t answer the door, he let himself in through the mudroom. He called her name three times and then listened for a full minute. Fearful that she had taken ill—it had happened before—he cautiously walked back to her bedroom suite, and knocking on the door, waited another few moments before he opened it. He saw her right away, on the floor by the side of the bed. He ran to her calling her name, but she didn’t respond. He didn’t bother to wait, got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. Kneeling next to her, he determined that she was breathing, and although her color was awful, her pulse was strong and regular. He carefully rolled her over on her side and covered her with a blanket. After he unlocked the front door for the squad, he went back and sat on the floor next to Pam, patting her back and telling her she would be okay, that she wasn’t alone. The squad finally got to the house and gently picked Pam up off the floor for the ride on a stretcher. Once she was out of the house, Jeff started to cry. He and Pam had become dependent on each other and when she got sick, he felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath him. She said much the same thing when he traveled to Spain with his mother in September.

“I’m so thrilled that you had the opportunity to get away, but I felt completely abandoned by you!” she’d laughed, but Jeff felt awful.

“I’ll never leave again,” he said. But they were just kidding each other. Pam’s new boyfriend didn’t fully understand the dynamic that drove the friendship until this latest hospital scare. Unlike Andy, who would use his policeman’s authority to invade Pam’s privacy while she was unconscious, Dave would listen to Jeff when he called him to notify him that Pam was ill.

“This is Pam’s neighbor, Jeff Babcock. I wanted to let you know that she is in the hospital.” Jeff let a second pass for Dave to ask questions and when there was shocked silence, he continued. “I tried calling her all morning and when she didn’t answer, I came over to make sure she was okay. I found her unresponsive; I called for the squad. They just came to get her.”