Pretty Hate (New Adult Novel) (29 page)

CHAPTER NINETEEN

That night I rested my head on Declan’s bare chest and listened to his heart.

“It’s beating so fast,” I said as I hugged him.

“That’s because it just got a nice workout,” he said and chuckled. “Are you happy you came out here, Beth? Because you don’t seem very happy.”

I lifted my head and stared at him.

“I’m really happy I came out here. Are you kidding?”

“Things were a bit tense at dinner, yes?” he said.

“Well, things were intense at dinner, yes. Between Chickie and Sara and Tricia and--”

“Maria?”

“Yes, that too. I did get jealous.”

“Yes, I could tell. Beth, look, the thing is, men like attention. They especially like female attention.”

I thought back to the conversation I had with Billy Rider the day before he broke up with me...
all men want to fuck other chicks, Beth
.

“What does that mean?” I said.

“Just what I say: men like attention.”

“But, I give you attention, don’t I?”

“Yes, you do. And I didn’t say anything about not liking your attention.”

“Right, but if you treat everyone the same, how am I supposed to know if I’m special?”

“Beth, can we please have this conversation another time? I’m really tired and you should be too.”

“You brought it up, Declan,” I said and rested my ear against his chest.

“I just don’t like to talk about feelings all the time, Beth.”

“I don’t have to know everything that you think, Declan. I probably shouldn’t want to know everything you think. However, shouldn’t we at least be able to talk to each other like we
have
feelings?”

“Yes,” he said and yawned, “tomorrow we will talk to each other like we have feelings. I promise. Goodnight, Beth.”

When I woke up, he was gone.

He, Chickie and Patrick took a boat down the coast to get stuff for the party. The house was filled with people preparing for the evening. I found India and Nando in the hot tub and Tricia and Sara ignoring each other on the terrace.

“Afternoon, Beth,” India said.

“Something to drink, Miss Beth?” Assunta said.

“Coffee, please.”

“Beth, why don’t you come into the hot tub with us?” India said.

“No, I’m going to go down to the beach and take some pictures.”

“Beth?” India said.

“I’m fine. Really.

I took my coffee from Assunta and went down to the beach and sat on some rocks as I took pictures of the sea. India and Declan were right, Barcelona was different, but it wasn’t Barcelona’s fault.

“My God, am I homesick?” I said as I wiped the tears from my eyes.

“Hey there,” Tricia said as she walked down from one of the dunes and waved at me. “Mind if I join you for a bit?”

“Not at all, have a seat.”

“Thank you,” she said as she sat down. “Listen, I wanted to apologize for last night. I feel like a total asshole for the way I behaved. I’m making the rounds for amends and you were next on my list.”

“Don’t worry about it, really,” I said and smiled. “You should see how crazy things get at my family dinners.”

“Thanks,” she said and put her hand on my arm. “How long have you and Declan been seeing each other?”

“Short period of time,” I said and sipped my coffee. “How long have you and Chickie been married?”

“Ah,” she said and looked up at the sky, “seventeen years. High school sweethearts.”

“Wow. So, you really love him,” I said as I watched the waves.

“Obviously,” she said and stared at me. “I flung a handful of fish in his face.”

“That was quite a display of love. And Sara?”

“That’s...complicated,” she said. “I hope you never have to experience what it feels like to love someone so much it feels like they’ll take your breath with them when they walk away.”

“Too late,” I said and nodded. “You want them so damn bad and you never want them to want anyone else.”

“I’m sorry and I say that with all sincerity. It’s not real, you know. It’s desperation. Speak of the devils,” Tricia said as she looked down the shoreline. “Who’s with them?”

I turned and looked at the boat as it bounced down the water through the waves. Declan drove, Chickie and Patrick stood next to him and Maria the waitress and a gorgeous blond stood next to her.

“Jesus,” I said and shook my head.

“Beth, it’s not him,” Tricia said and stood from the rock. “I’m sorry, but, he’s not the man for you any more than Chickie is the man for me. Don’t humiliate yourself like I do.”

I watched the boat float onto the shore and Patrick hopped out onto the dock and tied the boat to a post. The girls got out of the boat and giggled as they ran up the beach toward the house and Patrick, Chickie and Declan walked behind them talking.

“Oh no,” Chickie said as he saw Tricia and I, “they’re conspiring against us.”

“Hello, darling,” Declan said as he walked up to me. “Are you feeling rested?”

“Yes, very. How was the boat trip?”

“Incredible. I need to take you out so we can explore,” he said and put his arm around me.

“That’s an incredible camera, Beth. They’re pretty rare,” Chickie said. “Do you show your work?”

“Um, no,” I said and stared at the camera. “I just fool around.”

“Speaking of fooling around,” Patrick said and put his hand on Declan’s shoulder, “we need to get the favors ready.”

“Okay,” Declan said and turned to me. “Darling, we need to take care of some things for tonight. Enjoy yourself and we’ll meet up later, okay?”

“Well, I wanted to--”

He turned and ran toward the house and Chickie held out his hand for Tricia.

“Coming?” he said.

Tricia turned and looked at me and her eyes watered.

“Go home, Beth,” she said. “This is not the place for you.”

I wore a beautiful red, silk dress I borrowed from Rebel Love to the party. I was saving it for a night when Declan and I went out alone, but it seemed to be as good a time as any.

He stayed by my side as he did in Chicago and I started to relax. He introduced me to all of his friends and they all were very nice to me. Maria and the hot blond, Ingrid, stayed away from me and I did my best to ignore them. After the sun set, the back garden was wall-to-wall people. Alcohol flowed and a band set up on the terrace. The workers set up a dance floor and the back yard was lit up like a Christmas tree. There were hundreds of people at the party and everyone was wasted.

India and Nando and Anthony jumped around on the dance floor with the other guests and she said that I was acting the way the girlfriend of a rock star should. And I felt proud. The alcohol definitely helped to numb my jealousy.

“You look so beautiful, Beth,” Declan said to me a few hours later as the band whipped the crowd into a frenzy. “Are you having fun?”

“Thank you,” I said and put my arms around him. “I always have fun when I’m with you.”

“Except for last night?”

“I was with you, I had fun. I just got jealous.”

“Yes,” he said and sighed, “the ego is a real bitch. You must always remember that people were not meant to be owned.”

“Oh, sure, yeah,” I said. “Well, I think that--”

“Hold out your hand and close your eyes. I have a gift for you,” he said and smiled.

“You didn’t have to get me anything. You’ve already done so much for me,” I said as my heart pounded.

“Come on, just do it. Don’t open them until I say,” he said and kissed me.

I closed my eyes tight as I could and held out my hand. He dropped something into my palm and I pictured the beautiful ring I was soon going to have on my finger.

“Open them,” he said and ran his hand down my arm.

I looked at my hand and blinked a few times as I tried to stuff the disappointment down.

“What is it?” I said as I looked at the large capsule filled with grainy, brown powder.

“X, you know, Ecstasy,” he said. “You’ve done it before, right?”

“I...no,” I said as I looked out over the crowd.

“Then you’re in for a treat! Take it, Beth,” he said. “Let’s experience this together.”

I stared at the pill as Declan held his drink out. I looked into his eyes and then at the sea of people who were there just for him. Just being around him made those people feel good. What he possessed, the way he looked, the things he said turned fans into followers. And people liked me when I was with him.
I
liked me when I was with him. And when I was not, well, when I wasn’t, I’d go right back to being me and that was nearly ungoddamnbearable.

But the thing that I forgot as I swallowed that horse pill and washed it down with a vodka tonic is that while everything I was belonged to him, he really wasn’t my guy. Because he belonged to everyone.

I lost sight of him at one point and stood on the terrace looking around as India, Nando and Anthony came staggering up the stairs toward me.

“India!” I said.

“Bethy!” she said and laughed as she hugged me.

“I did X...the drug,” I said.

“Oh, perfect! This batch is hardcore, Beth. How do you feel?”

“I don’t really feel anything,” I said as I looked at Nando and Anthony who sweated like pigs. “Your eyes, India, they’re...”

“Rolling, Beth. I’m going off! Maybe you got a bad one. There’s a ton of it in the candy dish on the mantle in the living room. Take another one if you don’t peak. I’m gonna go work this off with them!”

India grabbed the boys’ hands and they all staggered into the house.

I followed them and stopped in the living room as the three of them walked up the stairs. I stared at the huge bowl filled with brown pills and I sunk into the leather couch.

“Hey!” Patrick said as he came in and grabbed a handful of pills. “Having fun?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m just sitting for a minute. Have you seen Declan?”

“He’s around here somewhere. Maybe the kitchen?” Patrick said and winked. “See you later, Beth.”

I stood up and got really dizzy. As the room spun, I steadied myself against the side of the couch and put my hand over my chest. My skin was hot and damp and my heart beat faster and faster.

“Hey, Beth,” Chickie said as he walked past me. “Some party, huh?”

“I think I need to lay...calm down,” I said I felt the anxiety.

I felt like someone lit a match to the base of my spine. As the flame crept up the detonation fuse, the burn was excruciating. I clawed at my skull as the fire overtook my brain. I held onto the wall as I made my way to the kitchen. I saw Declan as I broke out into a sweat. His back was against the refrigerator and Ingrid was pressed against his body dragging her nails up and down his chest. I closed my eyes as I leaned against the stove.

“Beth?” he said.

I opened my eyes and stared at him and she looked at me and smiled.

“Oh, you were right,” Ingrid said as she stared at Declan, “this is going to be a fun night.”

They walked up to me and she put her hand under my chin and tilted my head up.

“Pleased to meet you, Beth,” she said and pressed her lips against mine. “Shall we head to the bedroom?”

I put my hands on her chest and pushed her back.

“I-I’m sick,” I said. “Something is wrong.”

“You’re going off,” Declan said. “Relax. Let’s go lay down.”

He sounded as if he was underwater and I put my hands over my ears.

“The burn,” I said. “I can’t...”

“Come on, we’re all going to fuck,” he said and grabbed my hand.

“What did you say? No!” I said and ripped my hand from his grip and fell back against the cabinet.

“No
?” he said as he put his arm around Ingrid’s waist. “Calm down, Beth.”

I looked up at him and he drifted in and out of focus.

“You’re not going to fuck her. She’s a whore! You’re with me! You are my boyfriend!” I said.

“Beth, calm down,” Declan said from very far away.

“Something is wrong!” I said and put my hands on my chest.

My stomach lurched and I threw up all over Rebel Love’s red silk dress in front of he and Ingrid.

“Oh, Jesus!” Declan said. “Patrick!”

“Wow,” Ingrid said, “guess she can’t handle her drugs.”

As I heaved and vomited, Declan leaned down and looked into my eyes.

“I’m leaving now, Beth,” Declan said. “Patrick will take care of you.”

“No, please don’t leave me!”

Patrick ran in the kitchen and picked me up and carried me into the living room as I threw up all over both of us.

“I’m sorry!” I said as he ran past a roomful of people and up the stairs holding me. “Declan!”