Priceless Inspirations (11 page)
I returned to Atlanta, heartbroken and devastated. With Aunt Edwina gone, I felt like there was a hole in the foundation of my life. Dream and I were through. I’d moved to Atlanta where I didn’t know a soul. Everything in my life was turned upside down. You know that song about “feeling like a motherless child”? That was me. In fact, I had never felt so “motherless” in my life.
I realized I needed to really “know” my own mother. I needed to understand her. I needed to understand what had driven her to drugs. I needed to try to find a way to bring some healing and peace to my relationship with her. I needed to stop avoiding her and accept her for who she was. I finally admitted to myself the truth that I’d been running from most of my life--I loved my mother because she was my mother. I wanted her in my life and in my daughter’s life. There would always be a hole in me where she was supposed to be until I found a way to embrace her for who she was, without condoning her mistakes.
We have struggled, and continue to struggle, to build that relationship. It’s been hard on us both. We’ve had some really great moments, and some real low points. In a strange way, I’ve ended up teaching her how behave like a mother. I’ve set limits for her, just like I do for Reginae.
She knows that I know when she’s high. She knows I won’t deal with that. She knows I won’t let her bring random people to my house. She knows I won’t let her do whatever she wants to do in my home. She’s used to being down with the youngsters and partying and having a loud, good time.
I don’t live like that, and when it gets out of hand, I’ll put her and her friends right out of my house. It’s crazy that I’m young, but I treat her like the kid. She acts like she doesn’t know any better.
I’m realizing that I have to accept her for who she is, but I won’t make the mistake of condoning drug use in my home. I can love my mother and hate drugs, and that’s exactly what I’ve done and plan to continue doing.
Toya’s Priceless Gem: You’re nothing without your family. Building good relationships with family members, especially your mother and father, is important. Never give up control of your environment or your safety. People who love you have to respect your space and the limits you put on who’s doing what around you
.
Most of us try drugs and alcohol because we're with people who are doing it. They make drinking and getting high look cool, fun, and the thing to do. That’s the only reason I’ve ever tried any drug at all, simply because everyone else was doing it. It was a dumb reason and the experience was a disaster. I’ll never do anything that stupid again, regardless of who else is doing it. It’s just not worth it.
I was reluctant about trying any kind of drug. I knew I’d never get anywhere near cocaine or crack, especially knowing how quickly my mother had gotten hooked on it. I know some people would have said, “Well, that’s
her
. That’s not going to happen to
me.”
However, I was scared. My mother probably thought the same thing herself when she tried it. I’m sure she never would have touched that pipe if she had any idea what it would mean for her future. I’m sure my father never would have brought that stuff in the house if he’d known.
That’s just it--you don’t know. You don’t know if you’ll be able to use it sometimes and be fine. You don’t know if you’ll use it once and love it so much you become an addict. You don’t know if that stuff you’re sipping, or popping or smoking or needling will kill you. You just don’t know.
Fear of ending up like Mom kept me from taking chances with any drug or with alcohol, but I did experiment. Once.
Me and XTC
Everybody was doing it.
I mean
everybody
.
There were a few years there where it seemed like everywhere you went, people were popping Ecstasy (or XTC or X).
I guess X is still pretty popular, but there are so many other things people mess themselves up with, like pills, steroids, and marijuana. When you go out, it’s like those and other things are the things to do.
I was still in high school and me and some of my friends had gone to a Halloween party at someone’s house. We were all just hanging out and chilling. Everyone was popping X, talking about how good, peaceful and happy it made them feel. I figured “why not?” I wanted to feel good, peaceful and happy, too. I wanted to be able say that I’d done XTC and it was great. I didn’t want to be the only baby in the room, too scared to try it when everyone else was getting high. It looked to me like everyone else who tried it was having fun. I wanted to have fun, too.
I already knew my tolerance for drugs and alcohol was really low. When I tried pain pills for a tooth ache I would feel really high and when I tried to drink, it seemed like only one would really affect me. Two drinks and I felt like I needed to go to sleep. Knowing that I could barely handle alcohol, I should have known better than to even try anything harder, but I didn’t.
I tried it anyway and about an hour later, I was hallucinating. I know most people feel relaxed and extremely happy and good on ecstasy, but it got me in the opposite way. I started freaking out. I was sure someone was after me, wanting to hurt me or rape me. I got so upset and out of control, my friends had to leave the party to take me home.
As bad luck would have it, we got stopped by the cops on the way to the house. I was laying with my head on someone’s lap, I don’t remember whose it was anymore, and they were doing their best to keep me from screaming, shaking and acting like I was crazy. If I’d jumped up and done that while the police were talking to the driver, the officers would have known that I was high and the whole group would have been in trouble.
I didn’t jump up and my friends didn’t get in any trouble. We made it to the house without anything else happening, and by then I felt a little calmer. I was done hallucinating and now I wanted to talk.
I talked and talked. I told
all
my business, and things I would normally never tell came spilling out of me. I had gotten a name tattooed on my thigh and I was telling all the details of why I did it, who did it, when and how much. I kept talking and talking until everyone was tired of listening to me.
Then I couldn’t sleep. I was up all night and all the next day. Finally, I was so tired I was just lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t focus enough to do anything.
It was a horrible experience. I know I’ll never do anything like that again. Never. Ever. Ever.
Fortunately, I was with people I knew when it happened and they tried to help me. I would never even think of trying something like that, something that takes you out of your mind, with people I don’t know well. Drugs and alcohol make you very vulnerable, and you wouldn’t want to be experimenting with something like that in a place that’s unfamiliar or without good friends around who care about you in case something goes really really wrong. Lots of girls have gotten into bad situations when they got too drunk or too high around men they didn’t know well.
Don’t let that happen to you.
I know so many people who have to get high just to have fun. For real? If that’s true, it’s the saddest thing I ever heard. Or I’ve heard girls say they do it to please their man. Girl, please. You shouldn’t have to do things like that to please a man. I’m sure that was part of the reason my mom got hooked. She did it because my father asked her to. For some people, popping a pill or drinking that “lean” is like chewing gum. I had a friend whose lean habit helped her get diabetes.
Not good.
The Mistake I Made That You Shouldn’t
I guess at some point, everyone’s gonna try this stuff and find out what it’s all about. I was no different, but I wish I’d been of a stronger mind about resisting doing something that I knew wasn’t for me.
Now, I’m a glass-of-wine type girl. I don’t mess with hard liquor, or anything mixed. I remember I had a shot of Patron on one of my birthdays. Never again. I’ll just stick to my Riesling, or my Muscato. That’ll do the job for me just fine.
While I do hang around with people who smoke, marijuana is not my thing. I’m not offended by it either. To me, it’s like people around me who drink hard alcohol. It’s fine for them; it’s just not for me.
Harder drugs? I don’t want them around me. I hate drugs, I hate drugs, and I hate drugs. I can’t be more plain that. I don’t use them and I don’t want to be around people who do.
What I Did Right
I don’t drink in front of Reginae, and I won’t let anyone else smoke or drink in her presence.
I can’t believe how many people abuse alcohol and drugs right in front of their children. It’s like they don’t understand that the kids are watching and thinking “that must be cool, because Mama/Daddy is doing it.” It’s like they don’t know, or care, that they’re setting a terrible example for their kids.
Once, I was getting my hair done at this little salon and one of the girls working there was smoking weed in front her kids. The five year old kid was imitating the adults! I knew I had to get out of there before I said something that might have ended in a fight. They were teaching the kid that it’s cool to smoke and I think that’s wrong. Just wrong.
I don’t know for sure, but I don’t believe that everything is genetic. I don’t believe that just because your dad was abusive or your mom drank means you have to end up the same. It’s a choice, and to say anything else is an excuse. My parents were addicted, but I’m not strung out. You have to choose not to go down that path, and if you do choose it, then that’s
you
, not your mama or your daddy or anybody else. It’s all in the person. You don’t have to be anything your parents were.
You get to decide whether you’re gonna play with that stuff or not. I hope you decide to leave it alone because for a lot of people, no good comes out of it.
Toya’s Priceless Gem: Have a strong mind about drugs and alcohol. Don’t let anyone pressure you, especially if you have kids. It could ruin your whole life
.
Verbal and physical abuse haven’t been a part of any of my relationships, but I’ve been touched by the damage they can do.
A good friend of mine was killed by her ex-boyfriend. Shawnte was shot as she returned home from a date with another guy. I guess he figured that if he couldn’t have her, no one would. The saddest part came when we realized that he’d been abusing and terrifying her for months, and she didn’t tell any of us.
It’s hard for me to talk about this. It’s painful to think about what she’d gone through and how a twisted man’s idea of “love” wasted her beautiful life. I’m probably gonna either cry or throw up while I talk about this one, because it makes me just that sick and just that sad.
I’m gonna tell it anyway, because it’s important. Too many girls and women think that abuse is a part of love. It’s not. It never has been and it never will be. If you’re with a man you’re scared of, you need to find someone to tell, someone to trust, and some way to get far, far, away.