Primal Scream (Box Set #1, Taboo Sex + AFF) (4 page)

“
Did Mom wake up?” I asked. Ed said, “Yeah, but I said I was going to have a bath and that you were asleep.” He added that he went downwards, missing all the footsteps that creaked, and got the glasses of water.

“
You got me home?” I said.

“
Yeah.”

“
What happened?”

“
Well, you had a little too much to drink.”

I laughed and nearly fell onto him — held his arm as I sat back up again, as I tried to stay awake without the aid of toothpicks to keep my eyes open. “Did I do anything?”

“
No, just walked over some people, and uhm...yeah.”

“
Uhm yeah” is my brother’s way of indicating that something did happen, but he just didn’t want to talk about it.

I pointed to his shoulder. “Are you getting that tattoo?” I asked. He’d been going on about an angel tattoo on his left shoulder blade for a few weeks.

“
No.”

“
Oh. Why not?”

“
Think I’ll be clean. I mean I’m not too sure about it...uhm. Yeah.”

“
Thanks for getting me back,” I said, and gave him a hug before I fell back onto the bed.

A few minutes later — could have been a few hours for all I knew, but my watch said 1.29am — I woke up, and Ed was sitting on the edge of the bed. I still had a bad headache, but was able to function. “Hey, you’re still up,” I said, sounding and looking half-drunk still, just to see what he’d say next.

I was curious. He had a look on his face like he was trying to read you, to see if he could ask you something. I wanted to know what it was.

“
Yeah. Man, I’m just stoning.” He stood up. “I’ll go now. Good night.”

I rolled over onto my stomach. “You
canstaifyannnn
.” It came out muffled and that was the point. What I meant was, “You can stay if you want.”

“
Hmm?”

I kept quiet.

“
Julie...what did you say?” I felt his hand on my shoulder. To be more accurate, I think it was the upper side of two fingers. His touch was so gentle and light. I wish I could feel more of his touches. I wish I could...corrupt him.

“
Stay a while?” I said. “Keep me some company. Rabbits! Bunnies! Look at all the bunnies hopping! Whee!”

I added that last bit hoping that my drunken act would suffice. Then I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep.

Whether my acting skills worked or not, he got under the covers beside me. I felt an electric wave going through my body from the head down to my feet. I wanted to turn around and face him, but I didn’t dare. This was the closest I’d been with Ed, in this horizontal position that is.

I was waiting for something. Waiting for him to make a move. He could have. I would have reciprocated.

In short, it’d go along this line: I was drunk, he took advantage of me, and we’d leave it at that, and never talk about it again.

At least I’d know what my own brother
really
felt like.

“
How do you like to make love?”

“
Do you like it rough?”

“
Have girls given you handjobs or blowjobs before?”

“
Will you let my tongue do a taste test on you?”

All the things I wanted to ask, but didn’t say...

I’d go down on him, no strings attached. Just to make him happy. For all the times he was there for me and stuff. 

But like the good brother he is: Ed didn’t do a single thing.

My hormones were on overdrive, and all he did was peacefully lie there, keeping his hands to himself, beside his body. He was only there because I’d asked him to stay.

He fell asleep faster than I did. He was still as a photograph.

Ed looks so suave with his dark brown hair a little long and unkempt. Some strands were half covering his face.

I went as close as I could. “Ed,” I whispered. No answer, so I smelt him. So clean and fresh. He must have applied some moisturizer (I know that fragrance: St. Ives Mineral Therapy—that’d explain why my bottle is finishing faster than usual), and if I’m not wrong, he had spritzed on a little bit of some nice masculine perfume as well.

I didn’t touch him. I didn’t want to wake him from the slumber he was in. I was pleased just watching him.

It was great having a warm body there on my bed too, instead of just me and my pillow. Smelling him a second time made me want to take a bath because I probably needed it.

But all I wanted to do was drink some water and get some shut-eye.

“
Goodnight, Ed,” I whispered again. I love my brother so much.

Some people are just holier than others.

[Ed / 14 June 2007]

School is over. I’ve moved out. “What’s the rush!” yeah everyone jokes and jostles but everyone would do the same if they were in my shoes. Try it I bet y’all would crumble to bits in weeks.

Throw some reason about wanting my independence and “discovering the real world” whatever that means and it’s all good, those aren’t totally false though but nobody knows what this is really all about:

Goodbye, my love.

Yesterday night, I was standing outside your door for the last time. Thinking of your breath. Thinking of my arm around your waist, and my heart shattering into a million pieces. That night, I came so close, more than once, and I just couldn’t. You can never know.

Even if you did recognize me out on the garden at Kingston’s which I doubt, even if you felt the same for me at a 0.001%-chance for even just a moment, even if you didn’t want kids I know you say you don’t, but what if you do one day best for females to have kids before they’re 30 years old that’s my opinion, but anyway so it nothing is ever going to happen, and I just whispered outside your door yesterday that I love you and that I’ve always loved you and I’ll always be there for you please take care of yourself.

I’m sorry for being so terrible, it’s inexcusable, for being turned on by the way you move and talk your undies why’d you have to go and buy such nice ones, can’t you be like me with my boring cotton apparel, for thinking of you whenever I’m doing myself all these feelings I’m so sorry I’m so sorry that I don’t fight them back more coz I just know they’re going to come back and haunt me anyway some day so it’s best to just go with the flow.

I don’t know how it’s going to be without you around.

Will you think of me? Would you still ask me how I am?

 
Do you remember all the small things?

The stupid graphs I had to do for you for Math which got you an A for my work...

The times I fixed your laptop after some virus scare...

Giving me your last $5 of the month so I could buy some lame ladmag coz Lindsay Lohan was on the cover...

When you insisted it was “Darth Vendor” instead of Darth VADER in Star Wars...“Spoogeboob Squirklepants”. You cunning linguist.

When I said I’d pierce your ears for you and you said okay. Thank God you went to a professional, oh yeah and when you talked me out of piercing my bottom right lip haha, thanks for saving me from mutilation and infection...

And you still have that crappy book of sketches I drew for you when you were like 8 coz you wanted some drawings of cartoon characters and I penciled a whole bunch...but you know things change and people change, and sometimes the things that are supposed to change don’t, and the things that you don’t want to change do, and where will I end up and you maybe you’ll settle with a nice guy and get on with your life so that I can too, and finally believe that this is how it has to be:

goodbye.

[Julie : 15 June 2007]

Ed left yesterday.

I’m sad — the house is so quiet. The room is empty.

I keep thinking I’ll still find him there. Under the bed, hidden in the closet, hidden beneath the window.

That was funny, the one time someone
was
at the window. My window. Ed’s friend, Rafiz. He snuck in at around 2am, about two years ago. Rafiz’s parents were fighting. He didn’t know where else to go, and he didn’t have a cell phone. “Joo-lieeeee”...he was calling out, and tapping on the glass pane.

I don’t know how the guy shuttled up the tree, in order to get there. Anyway, I woke Ed up. They played Tomb Raider on Ed’s computer for a few hours. Rafiz went back at sunrise.

A lot of Ed’s stuff is still there, but it’s
him
that’s missing, and that’s a lot worse than if his room was totally stripped of his belongings. He left so quickly! Here today and gone tomorrow.

I would have liked to have spent more time with him. I guess I can still keep in touch with him online and all. But it’s just not the same.

I didn’t get to tell him that I’m dating this new guy, Kyle. He’s a skater so he has a nice body. Looks so cute with a ski or skull cap too.

I’m into him, but I’m not sure if I want to sleep with him, or when. I haven’t wanked him or anything either. I don’t think about it much. Taking things slow. Furthest we’ve gone is kissing and some light petting.

Oh yeah, and the other day, Sandra said to me that “Ed is so hot.”

“
I’d fix a date for you if he wasn’t moving out,” I replied. But I lied right through my teeth. The fact is that I
would
mind, and that made me stop and think for a bit.

Is it wrong for your best friend to date your sibling? I guess it technically isn’t, but things might get messy and all that. The thing is, I wasn’t so concerned about that. I was more aware of the surge of jealousy that came up within me — to see Sandra going out with Ed, holding hands with him, feeling him, and tasting his lips and tongue...and maybe they’d be in the room next to mine...and I suddenly realize that I am more experienced sexually, than Ed.

Well, unless he’s kept some stuff from me. But whenever I asked, I believe he was honest. He doesn’t know I’ve had one partner, Bobby, and done some stuff with a few guys over the years. Why hasn’t he ever asked? I always thought it was because he thought it wasn’t appropriate. But if I asked him why didn’t he ask me back? I would gladly have told him.

I guess he’s one of those super stable people internally. The sort that has their own reasons for doing things. It’s like they have this internal navigational system and intuition that they trust totally. 

I wish mine was stronger. I know that I have some intuition in me, but Lordy, sometimes I really don’t know how I’m supposed to trust it, when it can tell me things like Bobby being my “one true love”. Seeing how that ended, I wonder how I’m ever supposed to trust my internal guidance ever again.

Maybe it’s something I’ll learn over time.

I hope Ed is doing well. He’s now in a bigger city that’s five hours’ drive away. Renting a one bedroom apartment, $400 per month. He took a bus down. I think the ticket cost $75.

He didn’t seem as excited as I thought he’d be. Ed didn’t tell me or anyone about it until the last minute. I think he just doesn’t want us to worry too much.

When I asked, “What are you going to be working as?”, he said he was “going to work in retail sales,” and maybe be an “assistant swim coach.”

I’d be THRILLED living in a new place. Maybe I’ll do that myself. Maybe with Sandra if she’s interested.

At least Ed knows what he wants. I haven’t thought about what I want to do after I graduate from high school. Now would be a good time to start.

Last night, I was half-praying and half-mumbling to myself before I slept.

Dear God,
I said.
Please keep Ed safe. Please don’t send any hot chicks his way. I know I didn’t say anything, and I don’t mean to be selfish, I just can’t bear the thought of some random
slut
woman
opening her legs for
being with him, and I don’t even know what is it I feel for him.

Is this normal sisterly love? Is it wrong to want to be with my brother? Can I help it if I’ll miss him so bad after we’ve been living together since I was born?