Progress (The Progress Series) (13 page)

She was in deep slumber within a few seconds, not giving Jesse a chance to respond.

*

She woke to Jesse whispering her name.

“Charlie. Time to wake up.”

“Ouch.” She stretched, rubbing her neck and Jesse looked away. She looked down and saw that her baggy jeans had slid down, slightly exposing her panties. She pulled her pants up quickly and blushed.
Twice in one day here, Charlie. You’re on a roll.

“Are we here already?” she asked, trying to ignore her pink cheeks.

“Yeah. I forgot my car was at my house.” He shrugged. After a moment, he took off his seatbelt. “I just don’t know what to say,” he said.

“There’s nothing to say about it. It’s
why
I am. I thought you deserved to hear it. We’ve only just scratched the surface here, Jess. Believe me, there’s more. Much more. As I assume there is with you.”

She dipped her head down in shame.
After taking a minute to think about the two of them, in the driveway together, she couldn’t help but smile. “We’re two pretty messed up individuals! Maybe we shouldn’t be friends. Can you imagine the damage we’ll do to each other?” she laughed.

He chewed the inside of his cheek and smiled. “Too late. We’ll just have to make do,” he said. After a short silence, he finally spoke again. “Well, I guess I’ll go then. Can I see you soon?”

“Of course. I’m starting to depend on it,” she said, wondering where all of her courage was emerging from. He murmured something and got out of the car.

She was careful to not expose herself again while getting out of the passenger’s, side and hopped in the driver’s seat.

*

She fell into bed that afternoon and slept until six o’clock the next morning.

Dear Journal,

Um, holy shit. So, I just got home from Karal’s cabin today. I seriously don’t even know where to start.

So, there I am, having fun with the girls, and who shows up? Yep, Jess. JESS!

I should back up. Lily called me the other day and was worried about Jess. So I found out his ass was thrown in jail. JAIL! Me, having a friend that’s incarcerated. Nice. I’ve never had a friend who was a criminal. That might sound a bit naïve, but I don’t claim to have much experience with anything. So, I asked Dad for some money to bail him out, and then went up north with the girls.

So, during a game of “Truth or Dare,” I’m completely naked, laying in the lake, drunk and soaking wet. I decide to walk back up to the cabin. Yep, there he is. In all his beautiful glory. Watching me walk back to the fire and putting my clothes back on.

I wish I could say that it ended well. I wish I could say that he actually saw me, and wanted me, for all that I am. But he didn’t. Yes, it’s true, he came to find me, but if he had any intentions of sleeping with me, those likely ended once he saw my body.

And although I’ve lost a lot of weight, I still have a long way to go. I just wish I could have been skinnier and prettier before he saw me naked. Ugh! Naked! I’m so ashamed.

It all makes me so sad. I wish he knew what it was like for me. I wish he understood how disgusting I think I am. I wish he’d tell me that I’m someone, something, and that I deserve to be touched. I wish he was someone that I don’t think he’ll ever be capable of being.

Jesse watched as Charlie drove away, his head swimming.
Such a good girl. My sweet Charlie
.

He went inside and took a quick, cool shower after a sexual tension-packed weekend, then hopped to the kitchen to take his meds. Jake was home; Jess could hear the game console from downstairs. He grabbed a Power Bar and bounded down the steps.

“Hey.”

“Oh hey.” Jake paused his game and looked up. “How’d it go?”

“Good. I found her.”

“Well, good. Now we can get on with our lives. Enough of this “Charlie” nonsense. The girl is like your own personal disease,” Jake mumbled.
“Oh, Julie said she’s got a friend for you to meet. Tonight, if you wanna.” Jake winked.

“Sure, whatever.”

Jess swallowed another bite, sat down next to his friend, and picked up the other controller.

“So, are we going to talk about Bree?” Jake spoke fast. “Because I’d prefer if we got it over with.”

“If you’ve got something to say, say it.” Jess waited.

“Dude, I don’t know what I was thinking. She was there, and Julie was working. So, I just--”

“Let’s just let it go. Just do me a favor, though, if you do it again…don’t bring her back to this fuckin’ house. I don’t need to see that shit.”

Jake dropped the subject and continued playing his game. After popping the last bite in his mouth, Jess hit the start button and joined in.

*

Later that day, Jess went for a ride. After saving for over a year, he had just bought a new bike. The
Endurance Escape
was longer, lower, and slacker than the other bikes he tested. The suspension felt right in every situation, whether skipping over bumps or traveling along an undulating track. It was also responsive on less challenging terrain. It wasn't the most efficient-pedaling bike, but Jess loved the feel and took it out as often as he could.

Don’t screw this one up, Jess. She’s not like the others. You want to be her friend.  She’s smart, funny, can laugh at herself, and she puts up with your shit. God knows why. You don’t make friends easily and most don’t have patience for your attitude. Don’t screw this up. Don’t screw this up.

Jess saw the sign for the Lebanon Trail and picked up speed. He needed desperately to sort all this out and this is where he did some of his best thinking. Choosing an easier trail, as to not distract himself from the task at hand, he tried to figure out what to do about Charlie.

What’s your friendship worth? Could you handle her running away now? After admitting more to this girl than anyone? Ever? You know you can’t fuck her. You’d ruin everything. She’d run. And then there’s the whole touching thing…

She doesn’t ask too much. She’s perfectly content just spending time with you. You’re the one who volunteers information about yourself – you’ve decided to attach yourself to this innocent girl like a leech, sucking the life out of her. Choosing her, why? Her huge blue eyes just cut through you, making you want to trust her. Trust someone. You’re just pissed she’s attractive. Those curves. That short, red, sassy hair. That dimple on the corner of her mouth every time she pronounces the letter W… ENOUGH! No more of that shit. That’s not going to get us anywhere. Concentrate!

Focused on his thoughts, Jess cut over and started taking a different trail – one he’d never been on before. It was a less traveled, narrow, graveled path. He’d have to slow down, since he didn’t know what the next turn would bring.

You know what happens when you decide to trust someone. They leave. They all have. Parents, two foster families, Bree. What makes her different? What makes you think she won’t leave your dumb ass the next time you piss her off? When she decides she’s had enough and washes her hands clean of you? You can’t expect people to understand your…sickness. You don’t even completely understand it yourself. Since you can’t seem to take your meds every day, and decide that you enjoy your vices more than having friends. You’ve chosen your life…

He was stuck on that last thought when a large boulder appeared suddenly as he cleared a row of pines. He swerved to avoid crashing, only to lose control because of his speed. Skiddin
g out, he scraped open his left calf.

“Fuck!”

Now he had lost his train of thought
and
he had a bleeding leg.
Perfect.

His bike was fine, but he decided to walk the last mile. After wiping away the blood, the scrape was merely a surface wound, like so many he’d had before.

He made it back to his house in time to grab a snack, clean up his leg, and get ready for a double date with Jake.

Eve was her name. She was short, curvy, and had long, brown wavy hair. She had green eyes and thigh-high stockings he could see through her thin skirt.
This is going to be fun
.

They started the evening at a local restaurant where the carpet was a green floral pattern and the walls were covered in atrocious orange wallpaper. They took their seats on the four-season porch with a view of the city street. Jess sat across from Eve and Julie sat next to her. After ordering their drinks they began chatting.

“So, Jess. Tell me a little about yourself. Jake tells me you ride a bicycle.” Eve smiled.

Oh, let’s just skip the formalities. I’m in no mood for small talk.

“Yep. What else did
Jake
tell you?”

She looked offended by his candor. As most did.
“Ah, um…nothing,” she said.

Jess rolled his eyes and stared at Jake.

“So, then…what’s your story Jesse?” Eve asked.

Oh.

My Charlie.

Probably sleeping. Her eyes shut tight, dreaming sweet dreams. Sweet, innocent dreams about a boy who will sweep her off her feet.

“I don’t have a story. If you’ll excuse me,” Jess said as he rose from his seat and walked to the front of the restaurant.

Julie and Jake stared at him in shock, mostly because he had used such proper manners when excusing himself from the table.

Jesse immediately lit a cigarette once he reached the front doors. He watched as couples walking arm in arm wandered in and out of the establishment. After sucking down the cigarette too fast, he instantly lit another. He paced back and forth wondering what he should do.

If I stay, I’m going to have sex with this girl. All I need to do is smile and wink and I’ve got her. So predictable. So bland. I could do this. I could just walk back in and do this. But, is this what I’m going to do forever? Kicking them out before the sun comes up. Hoping they don’t want to cuddle or hear promises about seeing them again soon.

Damn! Damn you, Charlie!

Just do this, Jesse. Go back in and fuck her.

He rolled his eyes toward no one in particular and took the last drag from his Marlboro. He flicked his cigarette butt towards a black BMW in the parking lot and walked back in.

Jess started the day with a bike ride. No trails today, just a leisurely three-mile ride. He’d had an average evening, but Eve wasn’t what he had expected; she was much more vigorous in bed. She had wanted to stay the night, but Jess kicked her out and slept. Finding her number scribbled on a piece of paper when he woke, he rolled his eyes and threw it in the trash.

Arriving home, he hopped in the shower and washed the dirt, sweat, and Eve off of him. The smell of her perfume made him gag.

He walked into his room and was putting on a pair of sweats when she walked in.

“Hey Jess,” she said.

He turned quickly, pulling up his pants, his chest still bare and wet.

Bree.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his heart falling into his stomach.

“I’ve been thinking about you lately. Since that night with Jake…” She looked down, embarrassed. “And…I miss you.”

“Get the fuck out,” he said as his hands instantly balled into fists.

“No, Jess. Let me explain!”

“There’s no explaining. There’s nothing. Get out,” he said, putting his shirt on and brushing past her to get to the kitchen.
She followed closely behind. He reached into the cupboards and popped his meds in his mouth, drinking straight from the tap to wash them down.

“If you’ll just listen to me…” she continued.

“Why? What could you possibly say to me that will make you fucking my best friend justifiable? No. Nothing. I’m not going to ask you again to leave.” His anger was starting to escalate.

“I wanted him to take me to
you
,” she cried. “And when we got here, I was so jealous that you were with someone else. The alcohol, the moment… I wanted to make you jealous, too.” Her eyes were filled with tears and her chin began to quiver.

Jesse took a step back and took a sharp inhale, his face scornful. “You’ve done this to me before, Bree. You keep coming back. And then you keep leaving. How long are we going to do this?”

“As long as it takes for me to understand,” she whispered.

“Understand what?”

“Understand that we’re meant for each other. No matter how awful we are together, we shouldn’t be apart,” she whispered and took a step closer. “It’s not good for either of us. I’m a mess, and…you’re…you’re someone who needs me.”

Oh god. Look at this girl. Why do I let her continue to do this to me? She’s my perfect, sexy, tiny dancer.

“Kiss me?” she asked, now inches away from his face.

Impulsively, he grabbed her arms tightly and stared at her eyes. There was nothing but longing and desire there. She stood with her arms squeezed to her sides, her cheeks still wet from tears. And with a quick jerk of his arms, she closed her eyes and swallowed.

“Get out,” he repeated in a whisper and roughly let go of her.

With her chin
still quivering, she covered her mouth to restrain the rejection. He watched her duck her head down and walk out the front door. Tuning back to the sink, he rested his weight on the palms of his hands and stared at the faucet. With his temper raging, he clenched his jaw and slammed the cupboard doors before running upstairs to get ready for his shift.

For the rest of the afternoon, his mind soared. From Bree to Jake. From Jake to Charlie. From Charlie to Lily. He couldn’t stop them, they were flooding in like a hurricane and causing a manic flow. His paranoia exploded and couldn’t escape the pressure in his chest.

*

“I need a drink,” Jess said to Charlie after his shift.

“Then drink,” she said with a warm smile.

It has been a horse-shit day and the only thing that’s redeeming about it is here. And now.

“So…you’re quiet tonight. What’s up?” she asked, looking nervous.

See, she can see right through me. Those eyes. Always those eyes. I don’t know what to say. What, that I’m actually considering going back to Bree?

“It looks like the Montana stars came to visit tonight,” she beamed while glancing out of the oversized window.

Jesse gave her a half smile and she instantly slouched and avoided his eyes.

“It’s been a…bad day,” he said.

He walked to the bar, got a beer, and returned to the table. Charlie still looked nervous. Keeping her head down, her forehead was creased as she tugged at her lip. “I keep thinking about this weekend. I wouldn’t blame you if you were embarrassed to be seen with me, now that you’ve…seen me.” She looked apologetic; ashamed.

“Jesus.” Jesse ran his hands through his hair, exhausted.

No. Not now. Not this insecure shit again. It’s got nothing to do with you. Let it go! I told you. You were graceful, strong, beautiful. Didn’t I tell you that?

“It’s got nothing to do with you, Charlie. Nothing at all.”

“Okay.” She faked her confidence.

With the jumbled thoughts in his head, he tried to compose himself enough to tell Charlie about Bree. So many thoughts were competing against each other. His mind kept coming back to Charlie’s walk across the grass in slow motion, with the fire in the foreground and the moonlit lake behind her. He shook his head to stop the thoughts from overflowing.

“God! The world doesn’t revolve around you!” His mood shifted in an instant.

Shit. I didn’t mean to say that. She’s always so sensitive.

She looked around the room as her mouth slung open.  After pressing her lips together, she finally blurted, “Well Jess, I have some news for you – it doesn’t revolve around you, either!” She stood, collected her things, and walked to the bar with an insincere smile on her face. Paying her tab, she waited impatiently for her change, strumming her fingertips on the counter. A shy smile played at the corner of her mouth as a patron across the bar winked at her.

Is she smiling at him? That bastard just made her blush.

She turned without looking at Jesse and walked out the door.

Did she just leave me?

Walking quickly out the door, he looked around the parking lot to see if she was walking toward her car. He spotted her curvaceous outline stepping quickly and ran to her.