Project - 16 (28 page)

“
What now?” asked Riley without even turning to look away from
the fire. I'd been giving it some thought since the helicopter left
and I hadn't really come to any conclusions.

“
It's your mission - I'm just the hired help,” I replied.
“We're another week from the bunker and chances are whatever was
going to happen has happened and we've missed it. If you still want
to go, I'm still willing to go with you. But you need to know we
have limited kit now - my pack, Piotr's pack and the gear we took
from those lads. It isn't much but it might be enough to get us
there if we can hunt some game.” I'd checked on our 'fridge' and
found that the dogs had gotten to it first last night. That left us
with only a handful of MREs and food packs.

“
What do you think?”

“
What do I think? I guess after all we've been through so far
the sensible thing to do would be to go home - if we still have one
- and call it quits. You gave it a good shot but clearly there's
more going on here than we realise and if we keep at it we might
just end up dead.”

She thought about it whilst I packed some more logs into the
blaze. Her brow, framed with her soft blonde hair, furrowed with
concentration as she tried to find an answer she was comfortable
with, one that her conscience would allow her to live
with.

“
What would you do?” she asked, finally fixing me with those
eyes.

“
Honestly?”

“
Honestly. If you were me.”

“
Well, I know that quitters don't find quitting difficult,
they're only too willing to walk away. On the other hand, those who
succeed usually just need a bit of encouragement to keep on going.
They want to hear it'll be all right when their body is telling
them it won't be.”

“
Are you saying I'm not ready to quit?” she asked.

“
I'm saying that if it were me I'd see this thing through to
the end. I'd just want you to remind me why I was doing it.” She
nodded slowly and smiled.

“
I want to go on,” she said. “If nothing else I want to find
out what happened to Alex and Saska. Do you think we can do
it?”

I nodded. “That's why you hired me.”

It was almost sad to say goodbye to our shelter and once I'd
been through all the gear we had and packed both bags evenly, we
stood facing it with lumps in our throats.

“
It saved our life in a fucking weird way,” said Riley,
looking at it through the light snowfall which had started in
honour of our decision to carry on.

“
Kind of,” I replied. “We saved each other too.”

“
Yeah. I guess we did.”

We turned and resumed our long walk south, passing the ridge
where Riley had fallen on our right before turning south-east and
setting off across a stretch of open moorland. The snow kept
coming, falling in small flurries that whipped around our faces in
spite of the hats and scarves we wore. We stamped and crunched our
way through the layers of snow, sometimes slipping into deep ruts,
other times walking on its surface where the frost had hardened it
like concrete. All the time we kept pressing on, most of it in
silence, until mid-afternoon when I called a stop at the mouth of a
narrow scar in the hillside that led to an alcove we could sit in
out of the weather.

I handed out a portion of dried beef strips which we washed
down with water from our bottles that tasted faintly of wood
smoke.

“
How's the leg?” I asked.

“
The stitches are rubbing but I'll manage,” she replied.
“Fucking starving here.”

“
Half-rations until we find something edible,” I
said.

“
We were on half-rations at the shelter.”

“
Okay, these are quarter-rations then,” I laughed. “The
stitches need to come out in the next few days. Let me know if it
gets any worse.”

“
Will do. At this rate we'll get to the bunker in time for the
ice age.”

“
We're not doing too bad. Just take your time.”

“
Time. Fucking time. I can't help but feel we're just way too
late, you know what I mean?”

“
Like we missed out on a chance to change the outcome? Guilt
at not doing what we could have done?”

“
Yeah, just like that. I feel like we missed the
boat.”

“
We can't help what happened and if you'd tried to walk any
sooner the risks of infection would have shot through the roof.
Instead we did everything right given all possible outcomes. We
couldn't have done anything different.”

“
Maybe not brought the tech with me,” she said.

“
Again, we dealt with it once we know about it. We're
alive...”

“
Piotr isn't.”

“
This isn't helping,” I said.

“
I know, I'm just getting it off my chest. Have you ever had
to make decisions like this? Knowing the consequences are beyond
your control?”

“
A few,” I said, remembering them. “I made it through
okay.”

“
But you came out of it different, right?”

“
Yeah, I did and I like to think it was for the better.” She
laughed.

“
Life really sucks sometimes. I keep thinking about my Mom and
Dad, about what might have happened to them and how I'm not there
to help them. I had friends, guys in the forces, I feel
like...”

“
You've let them down?” I offered.

“
Yeah, kind of. Like I’ve not done my duty or some fucking
crazy thing like that. Man, this sucks.”

I nodded but said nothing more. Riley didn't need my Mr.
Fixit routine, she needed to come to terms with it herself and the
best thing I could do for her was be her sounding board. Listening
was more important now and I'd seen the same situation time and
time again.

“
Man, I missed Iraq 3 and it didn't feel this bad. I feel like
I’ve really fucked up. Have I?”

“
What makes you think you have?”

“
Not being there, man. Not fucking being there for my
people.”

“
Yeah, but you're out here for someone else though. For Alex,
your nephew and his mum.”

“
And I feel like I’ve fucked that up too. I had to fall off
that fucking ridge, didn't I?”

“
If you hadn't you'd be dead along with Piotr,” I replied.
“This is where we are. This is what we've got to work
with.”

“
I know. I just want to carry on and salvage something from
it. I just want Alex to be alive so I can take him home to his Mom.
Maybe it'll all be worth it then.”

I found myself flinching at the thought of her going back to
the States. I got to my feet and checked my watch, wanting to be
further down the road before nightfall.

“
Let's keep moving,” I said, setting off, trying to push the
pain out of my heart. Was I really getting this attached to the
former Ranger? Did I really believe that when this was over she'd
live with me back at the house like a good wife? I felt my face
flush hot with embarrassment. Suddenly it was me wanting to turn
around and go home just to get away from the feelings I was
getting.

We walked on well into the evening until it was almost too
dark to see - the sky being a carpet of cloud that blocked out even
the faint glow of the moon. We'd been eager to get past the
remnants of a town along our route just in case we attracted the
attention of any more hungry wildlife. It'd been a tiring slog but
hope for a good nights sleep came in the form of a long,
rectangular walled park that was rich with overgrown grass and wild
trees that had fought for the scraps of sunlight the ageing oaks
had missed. We went in through the rusting steel gate, closing it
behind us with a squeal.

“
Quaint,” said Riley, looking around.

“
Over there,” I said, spotting a pair of perfectly distanced
trees under a larger canopy of pine. We hobbled over, Riley
favouring her good leg, and I began to hang the hammock
up.

“
I'll take the floor,” she said, throwing her pack
down.

“
You bloody-well won't,” I said. “You're in this thing, I'll
take the floor. When your leg is healed we can swap.”

“
Whatever,” she said. “I don't have the strength to
argue.”

I hung the tarp and it felt like I'd taken an age to put it
up, I was that tired. By the time I'd finished, Riley was dozing
against the tree. I nudged her and led her to the hammock, helping
her out of her boots and into Piotr's sleeping bag. She drifted
back into her slumber almost immediately.

I hung the rifle on a branch and began building a fire from
my bag of dried tinder - leaves and such - and from sticks I found
lying around the garden. When the flames were crackling nicely, I
sat down and dozed, feeling little or no appetite for food. I grew
a little concerned about myself, wondering if the cold was
affecting me more than I realised. When I looked over at Riley I
could see her breath forming frothy white clouds in front of her
and I wondered how low the temperature had dropped.

I sat closer to the fire and tried to warm myself. I fumbled
in my pack for my cook kit, my fingers deciding not to respond to
my commands, and tried to boil some water. I felt the fear rising
up inside me as I realised how cold it'd become; when I poured the
water big chunks of ice came out of the neck and clanked into the
pan.

As the water reached a rolling boil I poured it into my cup
and carried it to the hammock, waking Riley.

“
What is it?” she mumbled.

“
You need to drink this. I think we've let ourselves get too
cold.”

“
Hypothermia?”

“
Maybe. Let's just warm up a bit to be on the safe
side.”

Whilst she was drinking I checked my fingers and then checked
hers, making sure she was wearing the socks Piotr had left
behind.

“
Is it terminal?” she said, giggling at my frantic checks.
“Will I die?”

“
I'm glad you find this funny,” I said, sipping from the cup
when she passed it to me.

“
It's a lame excuse if ever I saw one.”

“
Lame excuse for what?”

She pulled her sleeping bag open and gestured for me to climb
into the hammock with her. I started laughing too and I was glad we
were putting coherent thoughts together - at least they seemed to
be coherent. I fetched my own top-quilt from my pack, undid my
boots and got in beside her. Her hands slid beneath my coat and
wrapped themselves around me, pulling my body close to
hers.

“
Can it take our weight?” she whispered, still laughing to
herself.

“
I think it just did. For now.” I had to admit, we were warm
now at least. Her face was just inches from mine but with the
sleeping bags pulled over our heads we couldn't see each other. We
could just hear the crackling noise of the fire and the sound of
the wind in the trees around us.

“
What a day, eh?” she said.

“
Yeah, it was a long one,” I replied lamely. I had nothing
else. Her hair brushed against my cheek as she shuffled into place
and I felt my heart pounding in my ears. Surely she could hear it,
I wondered.

“
I'm so tired...” She nestled into my chest and sighed. “Good
night, Miller.”

“
Good night, Riley.”

She raised her head and I felt her breath on my face. Her
lips passed near to mine, stopped as if waiting for permission,
then pressed against me. Her body arched under my hands as she let
out a sigh and I found I was doing the same, as if some automatic
system had suddenly fired into life. We broke away from each other
and I heard her panting.

“
Miller, I'm afraid...” she whispered.

“
Afraid of what?”

“
I'm afraid that what I feel is just the danger and when it's
over we... I mean... Fuck! You hear about this all the fucking
time, people getting it on and falling in love during a crisis and
the next thing you know - bam! - they're fucking hating each other
and...”

I placed my finger gently on her lips and smiled in the
darkness.

“
We're not going to fuck,” I said, laughing. She began to
laugh too.

“
Yeah, I seem to remember saying that,” she said. “Can I say
it though?”

“
Are you sure you want to?” I asked.

“
How do you feel? I mean, am I just being a dick right now or
what? Don't leave me hanging here, Miller. Do you?”

“
Do I what?”

“
You know, do you feel that too?”

“
If I think I get you, then yes. But we might both be confused
about this.”

“
Oh fuck,” she said, the whisper long gone now. “I've fucked
it up, haven't I?”

“
I don't think you have,” I said. “I feel the same
way.”

“
You do?”

“
Yeah. Do you?”

“
Yeah, I just said that.”

“
Did you?”

“
Yeah, are you listening? I said I love you, don't you
remember?”