Promise Me Light (11 page)

He stopped in front of me, out of breath. “Where the hell did you
go? You scared me half to death.”

“Sorry.” I looked away peevishly. I was tired of everyone keeping
tabs on me. I was more than capable of taking care of myself.
Hadn’t I already proven that?

“You okay?” he asked.

There it was again. That awful question.

“You can’t just leave without telling someone,” Gavin said, not
waiting for my answer.

I took a deep breath, trying to sound normal. “I just needed to be
alone.”

He let out a sigh. “I get it but,
damn it
,
Maddie, you can’t just go off by yourself. It’s not safe.”

“I can see the house from here. Why does it matter anyway?”

“What?” he asked with a mixture of surprise and appall.

I squinted against the sun to see up into his eyes. “I asked why it
even matters? If the enemy showed up right now, maybe they would just
take me to town and throw me in with all the other prisoners. Then I
could find Ryder.” The idea took shape in my mind. The plan became as
clear as day.
It could work. It really could
work.

Gavin started shaking his head, disgusted. “Are you crazy? That’s
the worst idea I’ve ever heard of.”

My sadness disappeared, replaced with impatience.
What else were we going to do? Sit here and wait for someone
else to rescue Ryder?

“It could work, Gavin. Think about it. We let ourselves get caught.
They take us to their camp and we find Ryder.”

Gavin rubbed a hand over his face, a gesture I had seen Ryder do a
million times.

“No, Maddie.”

“But, Gavin…” I sounded like a little kid begging to have just
one more cookie.

He continued to shake his head, which made me furious.

“I’ve got to find him! I can’t do this anymore!” I pleaded,
taking a step toward him. “This sitting and waiting is killing me!
Please, Gavin, please! We’ve got to go search for him again!”

He grabbed my upper arms, giving me a violent shake. “Don’t you
get it, Maddie? He’s gone! You were there that day! You heard Cash say
he was dead!”

I struggled out of his grasp, slapping his hands away. At that
moment, I hated him more than anything.

“Don’t you say that! Don’t you dare say he’s dead!” I
screamed.

His hand grabbed my upper arm again, wrapping around my layers of
clothing. Tugging me hard, he jerked me toward him. My body smacked into
his as he gave me another teeth-rattling shake.

“He’s dead, Maddie!” Gavin shouted, inches away from my nose.
His eyes were fierce, full of harshness. “Get it through your mind! My
brother is DEAD!”

“F-you, Gavin!” I screamed, the words exploding from me.

His hand grabbed the back of my head, yanking me closer. Before I
could comprehend what he was going to do, his lips were on mine.

I froze. My body went rigid and my lips went hard. His mouth pressed
on mine, warm and insistent. He pulled me closer. One of his hands
became gentle, letting go of my arm and trailing down.

I yielded. For just a second, I let his hands move to my waist,
holding me close.

Then I woke up. Reality set in. The dream was over. This wasn’t
Ryder.

I pushed against Gavin’s chest. Nothing. He didn’t move an inch.
His lips only grew bolder, deepening the kiss, making me angrier. Using
all my strength, I shoved him harder. This time, he let me go.

When I was free, I pulled my hand back and slapped him. The sound of
the smack ricocheted through the air, sounding loud and painful. He
deserved it and much, much more.

Stumbling back, Gavin glared at me. “Maddie, listen to me…”

When he came at me again, I pulled back my fist and punched him in
the nose.

That got his attention! Asshole!

“Don’t you DARE touch me!” I shouted, feeling a little insane
that he kissed me.

“Maddie, holy hell,” Gavin swore, rubbing his nose then reaching
for me.

I slapped his hand away. “Your own goddamn brother, Gavin! How
could you!”

“He’s not coming back, Maddie!”

“And that gives you the right to kiss me?” I shouted back.

“No! I mean, yes!” He rubbed his nose on his shirtsleeve then
checked it for blood. “Hell, Maddie, I don’t know,” he said in a
quieter voice. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

I wiped my mouth, wanting to get the taste of him off of me. I loved
Gavin but not like that. Never like that.

“What the hell were you thinking, Gavin?” I asked, eyeing him
with distrust.

Sighing, he touched his nose one more time as he took his time
answering. “The truth is, I’ve always liked you but I never did
anything about it because Ryder was always there, threatening to kick my
ass if I even looked at you wrong.”

“And now that Ryder isn’t here, you feel it’s your turn to have
a go at me? I’m free game now, is that it?” I spit out, livid.

He opened his mouth to respond but I cut him off, not wanting to hear
his lame excuses.

“Your brother is…” I stopped, my voice breaking. I couldn’t
say it. The word ‘dead’ just wouldn’t move past my lips. I started
over. “You think you can just take his place, Gavin? Are you
freakin’ happy he’s gone?” I hissed, wanting to hurt him as much
as I hurt. “You can move in on his territory now that he is out of the
picture, is that it?”

“Hell, no, Maddie! I’d give anything to have him home but it
isn’t a secret that I liked you. Shit, even Ryder knew it!”

“What?” I asked, shocked.

Gavin scrubbed a hand over his face before answering me. “Two years
ago, you came home from college to visit. I was home and we all went
out. Remember that night?”

I thought back. There was one spring break I returned from college,
stressed and close to tears, ready to quit school. Ryder took one look
at me and insisted I go out with him. Gavin had a date that night but
decided to tag along also, much to Ryder’s displeasure.

We hit a local club, needing to drown our problems in loud music and
dancing. But Ryder spent most of the night drowning himself in a bottle
instead. Gavin and the girl danced and made googily eyes at each other,
ignoring Ryder and me for the most part. At midnight Ryder dragged me to
a tattoo parlor, making me watch as he got inked again. Gavin and his
date went home. Nothing happened. I couldn’t remember anything out of
the ordinary taking place.

“I remember that night. What about it?” I asked, narrowing my
eyes at him.

“Ryder said something about wanting to know what it would be like
with you before you found some man and married.”

A tiny bit of hurt sliced across my heart but I ignored it. Ryder
wasn’t that man anymore. The type of man that used a woman then tossed
her aside. I had been the only one he let past his hard exterior. The
only one he had ever loved.

“What’s your point?” I asked, crossing my arms over my
chest.

“He said he wanted you like he’s never wanted anyone before. It
pissed me off because I thought it was a joke. He just wanted to use you
like he did every woman he met. So I told him to shut the hell up, that
you were too good to use and toss aside.”

“He didn’t use and toss me aside, Gavin. It was never that way
between us.”

“I know that now but at the time…” He stopped, shaking his
head. “Listen, Maddie, there’s more to the story than that. When I
said you were too good for him, Ryder broke down. He became…hell, he
became sad. There’s no other way to describe it.”

His eyes ran over the field around us before looking back at me.

“Ryder said that you deserved someone better than him. He accused
me of wanting to be that someone better. That’s when things started to
unravel even more. He said from the time he was a little kid, he never
felt like he belonged anywhere. He said with you, he was home. You saw
him as someone good. Someone that thought he hung the moon. And he
wasn’t going to lose you to me.”

Tears fell down my face.
Damn, him! Even when Ryder
wasn’t here, he was making me cry!

Gavin stuck his hands in his pockets and continued. “We argued. I
said some nasty stuff that I regret. In the end, Ryder said to stay the
hell away from you. Said he would kick my ass if I touched you, rambling
some crap about I might be the perfect one but
you
were
his
.”

“I’ve always been his,” I whispered so low I don’t think
Gavin heard me.

He went on, his voice grim. “I feel guilty as hell, Maddie. My
little brother grew up thinking he wasn’t good enough for anyone
because he had always been compared to me. The perfect child. I wish I
could go back and tell him that I was far from perfect. No one
is.”

“But he’s perfect to me. He always has been,” I said, thinking
of all the times I had spent with Ryder. Behind his bad attitude and
life sucks mentality, he had a good heart. A caring soul. He just hid it
behind his tough exterior.

But none of it was an excuse for what Gavin did.

He looked at me sadly. “Later that night, after many shots of
tequila, Ryder said it killed him when he saw you with someone else. It
ate at his insides and drove him nuts. He said sometimes he just wanted
to grab you and kiss you.” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously,
his next words hesitant. “But he said if he had to choose one person
for you to end up with, it would be me. His own brother. That way he
would know you were safe and well taken care of.”

I took a step back, wanting to get away from him and his words.

“When we went to get Eva, he told me that if anything happened to
him, I had to take care of you. He made me promise, Maddie,” he said,
holding his hands out pleadingly.

“No,” I said, shaking my head in denial. “He’s going to come
back, Gavin. He promised he would return.”

“And what if he doesn’t? What then?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to think about it.
I can’t listen to this any longer.

Turning, I walked away from him, taking huge strides through the tall
grass. Tears started running down my cheeks, choking me.

The world was a mess and so was I.

I buttoned the flannel jacket quickly, my fingers numb from the cold.
It was Ryder’s jacket and twice my size but it kept me warm in the
chilly weather. On autopilot, I hurried to braid my long dark hair into
a thick plait, letting it hang down the middle of my back. It was now
longer than it had been when this hell started, back when life had been
simpler.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of freshly sterilized
creek water. No longer was there bottled water, clean and filtered. Now
every drop we used had to be sterilized. It was a long drawn out process
but at least we had water. That was more than some folks could say.

Keeping an eye outside the window, I picked up the shotgun from where
it leaned against the wall. With swift movements I checked to make sure
it was loaded. I withdrew ammunition from the kitchen drawer and dropped
the large bullets into my coat pocket, feeling my jacket grow
heavier.

Holding the shotgun in one hand, I eased the back door open, cringing
when the hinges screeched in protest.

I paused to wait for someone to jump out and start asking what I was
doing, but no one did. Glancing around the yard, I saw nothing and heard
little. The rush of creek water outside of Ryder’s house sounded like
it had months ago when we arrived here. A cold wind blew through the
trees, making a few dead leaves fall to the ground, giving up their
fight to hang on one more day.

I hurried down the porch steps. Everyone was busy and no one was in
the house. This was the perfect time to escape. Maybe my only chance to
leave.

I needed to be alone. I needed air and solitude.

Ignoring the bitter wind that blasted me from the north, I rushed to
the barn. The ground felt frozen beneath my worn boots, reminding me of
the ice storm we had just a few days ago.

I opened the barn door and waited a minute for my eyes to adjust to
the darkness. Six months ago I would have just flipped a switch to light
up the barn. But now electricity was just a thing of the past. An old
friend that left, never to be heard from again.

I hurried over to the tack room where the saddles were kept. Running
my gloved hand over the leather, I found the one I wanted. Lightweight
and small, it was just right for me to lift. After taking it off of the
hook, I grabbed a saddle blanket and reins.

I carried everything to the pasture gate. Keeping an eye on the area
around me, I whistled once and hoped my horse would hear me.

A minute later a brown quarter horse came galloping out of the woods.
Her ears twitched when she saw me. Slowing down, she ambled my way,
watching me with her big, brown eyes.

“Hey, girl,” I whispered, rubbing her neck the way she liked.

She nickered once in greeting and stood still as I flung the saddle
blanket over her back.

It took all my strength to throw the saddle on her. She jumped at the
harsh treatment but I couldn’t help it. I had lost so much weight the
last couple of months, I wasn’t sure I had any muscle mass left. We
were having to ration our food now. Janice and Roger had not planned on
feeding three extra mouths when they were building their stockpile of
supplies. I wasn’t eating enough calories but there wasn’t much I
could do about it. Frequently Cash or Gavin would give me some of their
portions but I always protested. We all needed our strength. If one of
us became sick, we would all be affected.

Catching my breath from the energy it took to saddle the horse, I
glanced around the field. All was quiet. I gathered the reins loosely in
my hand and mounted up, not letting my pregnancy stop me from
riding.

Nudging the horse forward, I left the ranch behind.