Promise Me Light (20 page)

“They want to kill me. Watch me hang for what I did,” he said,
grimly.

“What did you do?” Gavin asked.

The harshness was back in Ryder’s eyes, joined also by coldness.
“I killed their fucking leader.”

“Oh shit!” Gavin hissed, his body deflating.

“They thought I was dead and were going to bury me outside the
prison. Once we were on the other side of the damn fence they erected
around the place, I killed the sonofabitch. Got close enough to pull his
gun and shoot him in the chest. In the chaos I got away but not without
a bullet as a parting gift.” He took a deep breath and let it out on a
whoosh of air. “They’ll return. It’s only a matter of time. I
kicked a hornet’s nest and they’re out for blood.”

Gavin pinched the bridge of his nose, looking exhausted. “We’re
going to have a fight on our hands.”

“We already do. The moment we set foot near their camp, we painted
a bull’s-eye on our back. And now I’ve led them straight to
Maddie,” Ryder said with self-loathing. “I put everyone in
danger.”

“Not if I have a say in it,” Gavin declared. “We’ll bunker
down and fight.”

I tried to listen as they talked strategy but I couldn’t keep my
eyes opened. I was almost asleep when Ryder’s deep voice rumbled
through the room.

“Thanks for keeping her safe.”

“I told you I would,” Gavin responded.

I kept my eyes closed, drifting between that place of sleep and
wakefulness.

“If something happened to her,” Ryder said low. “I might have
snapped you in two with my bare hands.”

“Nothing happened. She’s fine.”

“But if she wasn’t, if she was hurt or worse…hell, I can’t
even think about it. I’ll fight every damn terrorist to protect her.
She’s…”

“You love her, I get it,” Gavin grumbled.

“She means more to me than just someone I love. Much more.”

Something pushed against my side. I snuggled deeper beneath the
covers, closer to the warmth next to me. My chin and nose were numb with
coldness. I pulled my legs closer to my chest and wrapped my arms around
my middle, feeling content and at peace. In the back of my mind, I
wondered who had put me in bed but it didn’t matter. It was warmer
under the covers then in the chair so I wasn’t going to complain.

Someone nudged me again but this time it was sharper, harder. I
peeled my eyes open but the room was in total darkness.

What’s going on?

Realizing that someone lay behind me, I started to roll over when
suddenly a fist flew through the air, smacking me on the arm.

I yelped and scooted to the edge of the bed. Coldness washed over me,
making the room feel more like a walk-in refrigerator than a bedroom. My
eyes adjusted to the darkness quickly. I saw the outline of a person
lying beside me, moaning and thrashing about, kicking the covers off of
his legs.

“Ryder?” I reached out, touching his arm.

He cringed away, his head moving back and forth on the pillow.
“Nooooo!” he screamed, pushing away from me, his eyes closed.

“Ryder!” I said louder, shaking him. He was scaring me. His legs
kicked out, narrowly missing my feet. His large fist swung through the
air, almost hitting me in the head.

The moonlight caught the whiteness of the bandage around his middle.
If I don’t wake him up, he’ll pull the stitches
out!
Ignoring the threat to myself, I got to my knees. Scooting
closer, I tried to grab his arms and stop him but he struggled, fighting
me.

“Ryder! Wake up!” I yelled, trying to rouse him.

He growled, his eyes still tightly shut. “Try to kill me, you
bastards,” he roared.

Suddenly, his eyes flew open but they were dazed, cloudy. I saw the
cold sweat on his forehead but felt the heat rolling off of his
body.

His fever was back.

With another growl, he grasped my wrists in one hand and flipped me
onto my back, rolling on top of me. Breathing hard, he glared down at
me, pinning me beneath him. I remembered his words from earlier,
describing the nightmares he still had. I knew then that he was not
really seeing me but the nightmare that haunted him.

“Ryder, it’s me. Maddie,” I said with a shaking voice, pleading
for him to wake up. I tried to wiggle my wrists out of his hands but he
had a firm grip on me.

His eyes held nothing. No recognition of me. No wakefulness. Only
fever and delusion.

Transferring my wrists to one hand, his other hand slowly crept up my
arm. His touch was rough, his fingers bruising.

I breathed hard, lying still under him. I was afraid to move. Afraid
I would frighten him more.

“Ryder?” I hoped just the sound of my voice would wake him. It
had seemed to calm him before. Why not now?

His fingers brushed over my collarbone, moving slowly upward.

“Ryder, wake up,” I said, wiggling beneath him.

A growl erupted from his throat as his fingers spread around my neck,
easily wrapping around my throat with just one hand. I started to feel
the tiniest bit of pressure as his fingers dug into my neck. I wrapped
my fingers around his wrists and tried to pull them away but he was
strong, much too strong for me.

I cried out. It was the only thing I knew to do. This wasn’t Ryder
on top of me. It was a stranger. A man haunted by demons of what he had
seen and done.

I closed my eyes, not wanting this to happen. Not wanting to see him
like this. Feel him touch me like this. I loved him. The violence of war
wasn’t supposed to come between us and take the man I knew from
me.

“Ryder, stop,” I choked out, afraid he would tighten his fingers
more. He just growled, his body burning up with fever above me.

I cried out for help and immediately heard running feet in the
hallway. A second later, the bedroom door banged open, hitting the
inside wall.

“What the hell!” Cash yelled, rushing inside. Gavin and Brody
followed close behind him, ready to fight the unforeseen threat. Within
seconds, Cash was yanking Ryder off of me, throwing him to the other
side of the bed.

I sat up, watching with fear as Cash held Ryder down, practically
sitting on top of him.

“What’s going on?” Gavin yelled, swinging his flashlight
around, shining it on the bed.

“His fever’s back!” I said, getting to my knees as tears rolled
down my face. “Help him!”

Ryder let his fists fly, hitting Cash on the side of the head. As
Cash was flung off of him, Brody jumped on Ryder, holding him down
before he could get away.

Gavin joined the fray, shouting, “Get out of here, Maddie!”

My eyes flickered over to Ryder, hesitant to leave him. His jaw was
hard, pain making his face white. But it was the emptiness in his eyes
that scared me. He was still lost in his nightmare, fighting invisible
forces.

“Maddie, leave!” Gavin shouted, his dark hair falling into his
eyes.

I scrambled off of the bed, becoming tangled in the sheets for a
second. My legs were wobbly, almost refusing to hold me upright.

“Hold him down, Brody!” Gavin yelled as Ryder started thrashing
back and forth, yelling about killing someone and escaping.

Not able to watch anymore, I rushed from the room. Ryder’s shouts
echoed behind me. Filling me with pain, tearing at my insides. In the
hallway, I passed Janice. Dressed in flannel pajamas, a thick jacket,
and a wool hat, she rushed past me.

“Ryder?” she asked, out of breath.

I nodded numbly, petrified in the dark hallway. I didn’t pay
attention as Roger flew past me. I forced the words out when Eva stopped
in front of me, demanding to know if I was okay.

Leaning against the wall, I placed a hand over my stomach, feeling
the slight roundness. The darkness of the house swallowed me, leaving me
cold and alone. I blocked out the noises coming from the bedroom, sounds
of struggling. Sounds of nightmares and pain. I closed my eyes, forcing
myself to take deep breaths through my nose.

“It’s okay,” I whispered, to my baby and myself. “You’ll be
okay. He’ll be okay.”

I just hoped I was right.

~~~~

An hour later, someone was shaking my shoulder, trying to wake me up.
I forced my eyes open.

He was sitting beside me on the couch, looking tall and
broad-shouldered in the darkness of the room. Somehow, I knew it
wasn’t Ryder. My body didn’t hum and my heart didn’t flutter like
it did when I was near him.

“You okay?” Gavin asked, watching me in the darkness of the
living room.

I sat up, tucking my feet underneath me and pushing my hair out of my
eyes.

“Yeah,” I answered, my hand going to my throat, touching the
tender skin there.

“You sure? Did he leave bruises?” he asked, watching as I rubbed
my skin.

“No. He put his hand around my throat but didn’t hurt me. It was
like something was stopping him from squeezing too much.”

Resting his elbows on his knees, Gavin let out a deep breath,
sounding tired. “His fever is back.”

“Did he open up his stitches?” I asked.

“No.”

“It was one of the nightmares,” I said, needing to reassure Gavin
and myself.

“I know. Mom and I were talking…We think he’s got PTSD, Maddie.
He’s got all the classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress.
Nightmares, seeing things that aren’t there. Remember how Eva was when
she first came back? Well, take Ryder’s normal bad attitude and add to
that getting beaten and starved for weeks. That would break anyone. Even
Ryder.”

“Maybe it’s just the fever talking. He was fine this afternoon.
Even after he found out about his adoption, he seemed okay,” I
said.

“He wasn’t fine. When you fell asleep, he…well, he freaked out.
Dad came in the house and slammed the door. I guess the noise triggered
something. Ryder lost it, saying someone was shooting at him. He had
this wild look in his eyes. I’ve never seen him like that, Maddie,”
Gavin said, clearly upset.

Ryder had always been tough, the one to save everyone else. To see
him like this was hard, almost impossible to take. Where was the man
that threatened to hurt anyone that looked at me wrong? The man that
knew no fear?

“I’ve already talked to Dad about veterans coming back from war
with PTSD. It sounds the same. Freaking out over a loud noise. The
nightmares. Ryder may not be a soldier but he went to war.”

“And he’s still there,” I added.

Outside, the wind blew, rattling the windows. It sounded lonely,
eager to get inside. I unfolded my feet from beneath me, standing up,
knowing where I should be right now.

“Where are you going?” Gavin asked, looking up at me.

“Back to bed,” I answered, walking past him.

Gavin jumped up, following me across the room. “I don’t think
it’s safe.”

“He’s not going to hurt me, Gavin.”

“But he’s not himself, Maddie.”

I whirled around to face him. “Ryder can be cold and hard but he
would never hurt me. I’m not leaving him alone. I’ll sleep in the
chair if I have to, but I’m not giving up on him.”

“Just give it time, Maddie.”

That was easy because I had all the time in the world.

Ryder’s fever lingered and so did the nightmares. I insisted they
were due to the fever that raged through his body. Gavin insisted it was
PTSD. We couldn’t agree. But we didn’t tell Ryder. If he knew that
he attacked me that night…well…I was afraid of what it would do to
him.

Two days later, we slaughtered another cow. It was a dirty, nasty job
but we now had enough meat to last us through the winter. Two milk cows
roamed the fields, braying softly during the day or lingering around the
barnyard at night.

We canned the last of the meat, hiding some of it in the tiny room
below the barn floor. The rest of it was hidden in the barn where it
would be kept cold during the winter.

Since early morning, I had worked outside, keeping the fire hot
enough to boil the glass jars, making my hands red and my fingertips
burn. Close to dark, I finally dragged myself into the house, one step
at a time. Opening the back door, I leaned against the doorframe, trying
to find enough energy to walk inside. Resting my head against the
peeling paint of the door, I closed my eyes, letting darkness slip
around the edges of my vision.
I could just sleep
standing up
, I thought.
It would be so much
easier than walking down the long hallway.

Sounds of activity in the house made me open my eyes, bringing me
back to awareness. I pushed away from the door as a yawn forced its way
past my lips. Dragging myself down the hallway, I felt as if I was
sleepwalking. Turning the corner, a dark bedroom greeted me.

The bed was empty. I was too tired to worry where Ryder was, and
without thinking twice, I crawled into bed, clothes and all. Within
minutes, I was asleep.

I woke up sometime later to a cold bedroom. Rubbing my eyes, I
stretched beneath the warm blankets, wondering how long I had been
asleep. According to how dark it was outside, I had missed dinner.
Again. Third time this week but I was too tired to eat. After canning
meat all day, the thought of eating didn’t appeal to me.

The baby chose that moment to kick against my side, catching me by
surprise. With one hand, I made little circle motions on my stomach,
feeling the movement of the baby deep inside of me.
I
need to tell Ryder.
I was still nervous about telling him after
everything he had been through - the torture, the struggle to get home,
the nightmares, the truth behind his birth. But he needed to know. It
was time.

From somewhere in the house, a door closed. Voices mumbled. Pushing
myself to a sitting position, I tossed my long, dark hair behind my
shoulder, wishing I had braided it to keep it out of the way.

Throwing the covers off of my legs, I climbed out of bed. I needed to
get out of my smelly clothes, get some food, and find Ryder.