Promise Me Light (33 page)

I put my foot on the bottom step. The rotten wood creaked,
threatening to give way under my weight. Taking a deep breath, I looked
up at the house.
Do it. Just breathe.

I stepped on the next step. Horror seized me in its clawed fists and
won’t let go. The memories hit me from all sides.

A man grabbing me. Hurting my cracked rib, making me
scream. Another man touching me. Smiling at me with an evil
grin.

I took another step, only seeing the past.

Screaming. Being tossed across the room like a rag
doll. Landing against the wall with a thud. Pain racing through my
body.

Another step.

A knife. Cutting my shirt apart. The feel of it in my
hand, grasped tightly. My only source of protection.

Two more steps. I was on the porch now, the door in front of me.

The door the men walked through to get to
me.

My hand shook as I reached for the handle. White with chipping paint,
this was the door I had passed through most of my life. The door of my
home. The door I opened as a child, seeing a boy smiling back at me. The
door that would lead me back to him.

I turned the knob. Candlelight flickered, casting a soft glow over
the man standing in the middle of the room.

The man I needed more than life itself.

Ryder barging into the room, gun raised, ready to
kill whoever was hurting me. Dropping to his knees beside me. Telling me
it would be okay. That everything would always be okay.

His eyes moved over me as I took a step into the house. I glanced
around the kitchen, the pressure on my chest growing.

“Change your mind?” Ryder asked, his words harsh.

I looked away from the spot where the men had attacked me to where
Ryder stood. I opened my mouth to say something but the memories were
too powerful. I was drowning in fright. I was paralyzed with fear.

“What? You can’t even talk to me? Well, fine. You can leave,”
he said, turning around and walking out of the kitchen. “I don’t
need this crap, anyway.”

I watched him leave. He disappeared down the dark hallway, his boots
silent on the floor.

As my heart pounded, I looked around the kitchen, seeing my dad’s
farm and ranch magazines. I remembered him reading them early in the
mornings, his glasses falling down the bridge of his nose every few
minutes. I could picture him looking over the rims as I walked into the
kitchen, pushing them higher up his nose as he smiled at me, his eyes
twinkling with admiration.

My eyes moved to the stove, a useless piece of metal now. I could
picture my dad standing there, flipping bacon. Glancing over his
shoulder as Ryder came ambling into the kitchen, hung-over from the
night before. He never questioned why Ryder did the things he did or how
he always ended up on our living room couch, sleeping off an all-night
bender. He would just hand Ryder a cup of coffee and make him bacon and
eggs.

I looked at the counter, the spot where Ryder had been leaning when I
told him that I was leaving for college. He had looked angry, upset,
frantic, and scared all once. I remember him wrapping his arms around
me, whispering that he would miss me.

I remembered it all. Each moment, each second etched forever in my
mind.

Tears fell down my face, blurring the room around me. The flickering
candle in the middle of the table caught my eye. Its flame chased away
shadows, bringing a sense of warmth to the kitchen. Next to it sat a
bottle of vodka, most of it gone. And beneath the bottle sat a picture.
A picture that had been crumbled up then smoothed out.

A picture of us.

I took a step closer, my heart pounding. With shaky fingers, I
reached out and picked up the picture.

It was one of Ryder and me as kids, our arms flung around each other.
Smiling. Happy. Together.

Turning the picture over, I saw words, written in silly, girlie
handwriting;

‘Ryder and Maddie. Best friends
forever.’

Forever.

Dropping the picture, I took off running through the house. The
memories, the fright, the terror that had once filled the house
disappeared. All that was left was Ryder and me.

Two kids who were inseparable.

Two kids who were in love.

I found him in my old bedroom, standing in the middle of the room. He
stood with his feet apart, his hands fisted at his sides. His face was
turned away from me, hidden in the shadows of the room.

I took a few steps into the darkness. The air was cold, making little
puffs of vapor left my lips, appearing as clouds of smoke that quickly
disappeared.

My eyes swept over the bed, my old desk, and the pictures hanging on
the walls. I glanced at the window that Ryder used to throw pebbles
against to wake me up.

I wanted to be that girl again. The girl that had sat in the middle
of her bed, studying algebra and talking on the phone with Eva. The girl
who had laughed at the silly jokes Ryder told her. The one that had
rolled her eyes when he called in the middle of the night, needing her
to rescue him.

I was still that girl and he was still that guy. We just needed to
remember that.

“Ryder…”

His head snapped up, his eyes blazing. I felt his animosity, pinning
me in place.

“What?” his deep voice asked, impatient.

“I…I…”
Hell, I couldn’t even talk around
him.

He crossed his arms over his chest and waited, probably hoping I
would leave. But I didn’t.

Feeling brave, I took a step closer to him but instantly regretted
it. I could see hate in his eyes. For me. It was too much.

I can’t do this.

I turned around, planning to walk away. But I paused, my eyes going
to the doorframe. I remembered Ryder leaning against it years ago,
watching as I packed to leave for college. Frowning at me when I said I
would be back in a few weeks. Making me promise to be careful.

All those memories rushed back to me. The ones of him and me.
No, I wasn’t going to let him push me away. Not again. What
we had – our friendship, our love - was too important to
lose.

Swinging back around, I stuck up my chin in defiance.

“You left me, Ryder. Without a word, you left me and your baby,”
I said, my voice loud in the darkness of the room. “You stood in this
room years ago and watched me pack. You helped me move. You helped me
leave then and you’re pushing me away now.”

I knew I had hit a nerve. He flinched, my words slapping him like my
palm never could. But then he covered it up, harshness back on his
face.

“I’m pushing you away because I’m trying to protect you.
You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. The only woman I ever wanted.
The one who made me want something better out of life,” he said, his
voice raising as he stalked closer to me.

His words made my pulse leap. His nearness made me flush.

He continued to walk toward me, his voice dropping lower. “Do you
know that I thought of you every day that you were away at college? It
took everything in me not to call you every hour. Not to pack my bags
and go after you. You were the one real thing in my life, Maddie. The
one person I loved more than anything.”

He took a step closer. Looking down at my lips, he reached for my
scarf. Wrapping his hand around it, he jerked me toward him, bringing my
lips closer to his.

“I know what kind of man I am. A hell-raising bastard that likes to
fuck, fight, and drink. You deserve more. You always have. The pain of
having a bullet in my side was nothing compared to the pain of knowing I
hurt you,” he said. “So I left.”

“How could you?” I exclaimed, ignoring his closeness. “I took
care of you when you were drunk. When you came home bruised and
bleeding, I was there, patching you up. We swore to always take care of
each other.”

I stopped, the lump in my throat choking me, making my voice hoarse,
but I needed to continue. He needed to hear the truth. “I’ve given
you everything, Ryder, and you still hold back. What are you so afraid
of? Loving me?”

“Loving you is easy. It’s losing you that will hurt.”

“Who said you will lose me? Gavin? Eva?” I didn’t wait for him
to answer. “It’s not just about me anymore, Ryder. This baby needs
you. I need you.”

His gaze turned cold again. Harsh.

“Well, guess you’re shit out of luck,” he said deathly quiet,
letting go of my scarf. “Because you’re both better off without
me.”

“You really think that?” I whispered.

Ryder didn’t answer. He just stared at me.

I bit my lip, unsure what to do. This war had taken so much from me.
I was afraid it had taken Ryder too. I loved him. I couldn’t imagine
not
loving him. But I had to give him what he
wanted.

“I’ll never be better off without you, Ryder. I’ll always be
that girl that followed you around as a kid and hung out with you as a
teenager. You’ll always be my best friend, no matter what you say or
do.”

Ryder glanced away, looking sheepish.

My heart was breaking but I had to continue. He needed to hear the
words and I needed to say them.

“When you’re hurt and angry, I’ll be here. When you need the
person that knows you like no one else, I’ll be standing here waiting
for you. You may give up on me but I’ll never give up on you. I’ll
always love you but I’m letting you go.”

“Shit, Maddie, don’t--”

“The baby and I will always be yours but…” the words stuck in
my throat.
Say it,
my inner voice insisted.
Give him his freedom.

I took a deep breath.

“It’s over, Ryder. Just let me go.”

Those words ended it. Ended us. He was broken. We were broken.

We were over.

I tried not to show how much it hurt to say those words. But tears
swam in my eyes, overflowing onto my cheeks.

Not knowing what to do, I silently brushed away them away and stared
past Ryder, not wanting to look at him anymore. I didn’t want to see
the aloofness on his face that I knew would be there. And I would rather
die than see his coldness.

I turned to leave. I had to get out of there. I needed to run as far
as possible. Disappear. I needed miles between us. He was my everything
and now we were done.

The tears made it hard to see as I rushed down the dark hallway. A
sob broke from my chest, one I couldn’t hold back.
What am I doing? What am I doing?
I thought. The words
replayed in my mind, banging around inside my head until I thought I
would burst. I was confused. Frightened. And so in love that it made me
ache.

I was halfway down the hallway when I heard Ryder jog up behind me. I
didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. If I did, I would be lost.

Suddenly, his hands grabbed me from behind, spinning me around. With
fingers tight on my upper arms, he pinned me against the wall, stealing
the breath from me. In the darkness, I gazed up at him, shocked. Placing
one hand on either side of my body, he trapped me against the wall.

His teeth gnashed in anger as his eyes raced over my face, stopping
on my mouth. The muscles of his arms grew taut, his biceps bulging
beneath his shirt as he kept me prisoner.

“Ryder--”

“Maddie, I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry,” he said sounding
upset. His voice was so hoarse and broken it tore at me. “You and this
baby are my life and I’ll never let you go.”

His head swooped down, his mouth taking mine with desperation.
Angling his lips over mine, he took control, proving to me how much he
would never let me go.

Desire leaped to life, blocking out the words we had exchanged
earlier. It was the same desire that raged out of control whenever I was
near him, burning me every time he touched me. I was an addict for him,
never getting enough and never wanting anything else.

His hands went to my head, holding me still as his kiss became
gentler. After a second, he pulled away. His eyes looked intense as they
gazed down at me. There was worry in them. A sort of desperation that I
hadn’t seen in his eyes before.

“Forgive me,” he whispered, his hands tangling in my hair.
“Please, forgive me.”

I knew I couldn’t resist him. No matter how much we fought, I would
always love him. It was that simple.

“I forgive you. I always do,” I said, watching his eyes lowered
to my lips.

His mouth swooped down again, turning frantic on mine. Like a wild
man desperate for more, he yanked my jacket and scarf off and tossed
them across the hallway. As soon as they were out of the way, his hands
went to the wall behind me, his strong arms locking me in place.

When his tongue pushed into the warmth of my mouth, I reached out and
grabbed the waist of his jeans. Tugging hard, I pulled him toward me,
wanting him closer. He obliged, pressing his body against mine, careful
of my pregnant roundness.

He drove his tongue inside me, wanting to taste the inside of my
mouth. I met his tongue with my own, sucking on it as one of his hands
threaded through my hair. When his fingers suddenly turned harsh,
yanking my head back, I gasped. He left my lips to trace down my neck,
leaving a wet path behind. Burning me up inside.

A moan escaped me when his lips moved lower, down to the curve of my
neck. When his mouth tasted my skin, I brushed my fingers over the
hardness of his stomach.

When I touched him, he hissed and tightened his hold in my hair. His
mouth moved up my neck, taking its time. Tasting me. Licking me. Sucking
at my skin like he couldn’t get enough.

“You said it was over,” he whispered against my skin, sending a
tingle through me. “But we’re never over.”

His mouth fell on mine again, taking every inch of my lips. He urged
my mouth open. I obeyed, willing to give him everything he wanted and
more. He was my forever, no matter how screwed up he was.